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| Better Living Through Chemistry Discussions of any and all sorts of mind-warping chemicals, pills, booze, mind machines, trippy stuff, current street prices, importing pharmaceuticals, smart drugs, nutrients, herbs, and altered states. Please try to keep your conversations "theoretical" in nature, since this is an open conference. |
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#1
 2008-12-14, 00:15 |
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 Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Okay, okay - this is emo - so, if you don't like hearing people whine - you better quit reading.
I've been using heroin for about 5 years, just recently - I went on Suboxone - and have been on it for a year total.
Today - I got to thinking about opiates. It's been so long. God, I can't take it anymore. I feel it - like there's something inside of me - pulling, pulling - and I can't stop it. I was doing good - now it's dominating my thoughts.
I can't stop thinking about it. That feeling - that rush, the waves of warmth and pleasure. It's driving me fucking MAD! It got so overwhelming that I just started screaming. No words - just screaming. I thrashed, and screamed, and cried and begged it to stop, begged ME to fucking stop - but it's like there's two people inside of me. One, who doesn't want to use - and the one that is kicking the shit out of the other and WANTS to use.
I just want to feel it one last time. I just want it ONE MORE FUCKING TIME! I can't take it anymore - I fucking can't. Every moment is torture. Every moment - I just want to burst into tears like a fucking child. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to call. I don't know. I don't fucking KNOW.
I feel so hopeless and defeated - so petty and childish - I'm at a loss. I wish I could just die. Part of me hates them, hates them so much - hates everything about opiates - after all I've done for them - but the other part of me just DOESN'T SEEM TO FUCKING CARE!
God, anybody - please - say something - anything. I'm shaking all over. Please.
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#2
2008-12-14, 00:18 |
Street_Pharmacist420 
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
I just want to feel it one last time. I just want it ONE MORE FUCKING TIME!
Don't do it, it's never just once.
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#3
2008-12-14, 00:19 |
Skuzz
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Good luck.
It's up to you what you do but try to remember why you got off heroin and you know it won't be one last time so just think things through before you do anything you might regret.
Just try to relax and clear your head.
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#4
2008-12-14, 00:23 |
demented
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Wow, Midge- remember the way we pwned C_N? i've got alot of respect for you dude.
You sound like you're in quite the situation here.
I suggest you see a psychiatrist. Its worth it, trust me. Just talking to someone would help no end.
I've been through benzo addiction, and if it is anything on that level, (which it most obviously is, most probably ten-fold) Then i feel your pain.
Seriously, don't waste time here letting it get to you. Just get to a psychiatrist or SOMEONE you can talk to asap.
The more you spend time dwelling within the depressing threads of BLTC the worse the pain'll be.
Just get out of here, and live life. Find someone who'll listen; be it friends or family.
Just remember, i've got a lot of respect for you dude, and appreciate what you're going through.
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#5
2008-12-14, 00:23 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Good luck.
Just try to relax and clear your head.
I can't relax, man! I'm hysterical. I'm trying to keep my mind off it by posting in other threads - but it's sitting there, in the back of my brain, throbbing with every heartbeat.
I feel this over longing desire to be comforted - and because of such I feel so childish, so immature and stupid - and I have no one to blame for this but myself - which does nothing but push me deeper and deeper down.
If I have ever felt despair before - this is it's finest, purest form.
The more you spend time dwelling within the depressing threads of BLTC the worse the pain'll be.
Wow, Midge- remember the way we pwned C_N? i've got alot of respect for you dude.
That brought me a much needed smile, thank you.
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#6
2008-12-14, 00:39 |
demented
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Good- you sound like you need it.
Do you have anyone you can call IRL?
Close friends?
Family?
They're what you need right now.
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#7
2008-12-14, 00:43 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Quote:
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Originally Posted by demented
Good- you sound like you need it.
Do you have anyone you can call IRL?
Close friends?
Family?
They're what you need right now.
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I'd call my family, but my Mom would be so upset and disappointed - and she would worry - and whenever she worries because of me I feel like a failure - a complete fuck up. An idiot.
I'm just afraid to go near the phone. I'm afraid to call my friends - my family - I'm afraid to let them know. I'm afraid to let them know because I am a coward. |
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#8
2008-12-14, 00:56 |
demented
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
I'd call my family, but my Mom would be so upset and disappointed - and she would worry - and whenever she worries because of me I feel like a failure - a complete fuck up. An idiot.
I'm just afraid to go near the phone. I'm afraid to call my friends - my family - I'm afraid to let them know. I'm afraid to let them know because I am a coward.
Don't guilt trip yourself like this.
Don't let the drugs take their hold over you. You clearly are mentally capable of getting yourself through this, its just a matter of will power.
Don't go through this on your own, seriously- you need to tell someone. I'm sure you have a buddy or two who would pull through for you in a situation like this. Telling someone is your best bet, and no- they won't treat you as if you're a coward. If they know anything they'll know heroin addiction isn't a game for pussies.
Whoever you choose to tell, it will greatly improve your mental state and level of morale. You can beat this drug, but you need to let other people help.
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#9
2008-12-14, 01:10 |
spl1ff
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
I just want to feel it one last time. I just want it ONE MORE FUCKING TIME! I can't take it anymore - I fucking can't. Every moment is torture. Every moment - I just want to burst into tears like a fucking child. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to call. I don't know. I don't fucking KNOW.
I'll let you on to a little phrase I learned in recovery.
One is too many. A thousand is never enough.
First thing you need to do is get THE FUCK out of BLTC and off totse. The whole site is one huge trigger. If you hang around in a barber shop long enough, you're gonna get a haircut.
Second thing you need to do is get to an NA meeting.
http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/
Type in where you live and get to the closest meeting. Go, sit, and listen.
In the meantime? Do whatever you can to get over the craving. It will pass. Call someone. Occupy yourself. Pray.
Now only if I could follow this advice myself...
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#10
2008-12-14, 01:38 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Keep remembering, it will pass, it may take a long time but it will pass, and you will feel good again. You just need some time to break from the addiction.
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#11
2008-12-14, 02:14 |
Hudspeth
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
I'll let you on to a little phrase I learned in recovery.
One is too many. A thousand is never enough.
First thing you need to do is get THE FUCK out of BLTC and off totse. The whole site is one huge trigger. If you hang around in a barber shop long enough, you're gonna get a haircut.
damn dude when i read that i was like fuck thats the most vivid line i have seen.
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#12
2008-12-14, 05:27 |
demented
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Midge
How are you doing?
Are you feeling any better?
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#13
2008-12-14, 05:37 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Dude, take it from me, it WON'T be once. It is so fucking easy to fall off the wagon. It's also really fucking hard to get back on.
If you want, double your suboxone dose, and snort it. That should satisfy your craving to a certain extent.
You CAN'T let yourself unravel like that. YOU CAN NOT!
Get a grip on yourself, go do something else. You have to stay active. No down time. You start feeling that thought coming back? Go watch some porn. (I'm serious)
Go hang out with sober friends. Go have dinner at your family's house. Remind yourself of the reasons you're clean.
I know it's hard man, but you CAN do it.
Don't cop out and say you HAVE to feel H again. You want to. Duh. Opes are fun. But you've been doing well for over a year, do you really wanna fuck it all up?
Remember this my friend: It's always the worst right before it starts to get better.
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#14
2008-12-14, 05:47 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
tl;dr: Don't do heroin...
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#15
2008-12-14, 05:48 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Figure out some way to clear your head.
I usually go on a run. Try driving around town for a while.
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#16
2008-12-14, 10:55 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Quote:
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Originally Posted by demented
Midge
How are you doing?
Are you feeling any better?
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I had a handful of benzos that I wanted to take - but every time I take high does of benzos, I become so inhibited that I hardly know what I'm doing, and next thing I know - I find myself on the phone trying to cop - and it just makes things worse.
I feel run down, and weak. Will I ever be free? |
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#17
2008-12-14, 16:09 |
demented
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
I wish i could help more. Having only done H once or twice myself, all i know of is the high that you crave and yet despise.
Have you ever thought of a methadone program?
Or suboxone?
Going cold turkey- (yes i know you are using benzos too) is never a good idea, for any drug. Even if it is simply a matter of strong mental dependence.
What you really need to do right now is tell someone. Don't give in to the fear that this drug seems to have made you suffer- doing so will just make you feel like a pile of shit, and even weaker as a person.
I suggest you book an appointment with your doctor asap, and inform him of your crisis. In doing this there would be so many instant benefits:
You won't damage your self esteem due to the privacy that is guaranteed in terms of medical matters- therefore no one will think any less of you.
Telling someone will take some of the weight off your shoulders.
Various chemical forms of relief. Even if the doctor is stingy, the least he'd do is probably prescribe a non-benzodiazepine hypnotic. This would be extremely beneficial for you in terms of a guaranteed good night's sleep, and within your night's slumber you can give your body the chance to repair itself, mentally and physically.
If the doctor thing fails, there's always poppy seed tea. I heartily recommend this, as i have used it frequently in times of need. Just google it, it is an extremely simple process.
While i know by suggesting the use of other drugs to overcome your addiction to this drug, i may be contradicting myself in terms of my message, but in all honesty the aforementioned drugs are clearly the lesser of two evils; and they only should be used in the time of this crisis you seem to be going through.
The most important thing i can say to you is that within just a few weeks of a new regime like this, you will be free. All you need to conquer H consists of the mental support of those around you, and a form of chemical relief that'll numb the pain.
Don't go near H. If you do, it will lead to your downfall. Midge, you can overcome this- don't let the drugs take you.
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#18
2008-12-14, 20:16 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
One of my buddies came over.
She brought some of her homemade green tea (I don't know how she does it, it tastes fucking awesome) , poured myself and herself a glass - packed up a bowl and calmed me down.
She was happy to come over and help - and glad that I called - but I just can't help but feel so childish and ashamed. Here I am, a grown man (kind of) , living and working on my own - and as soon as a bad spell hits, I have to call some one and cry.
I feel like a fool. I wish I never used heroin. I wish I could go back in time - and just make things right - they way they should have been. I wish I could change it, so my parents would actually have a son they were proud of - not someone who did nothing but bring them grief and worry.
I wish my brothers could look at me as their brother and their friend - not a liar and a thief.
I wish I could go back - and make it so I never met my girlfriend. So, she never knew me, never loved me, never cared for me and never knew heroin - and maybe then she'd still be alive.
I wish I could take back all of the lies I told my friends. All of the deceit and all of the facades I put on to disguise what I truly was deep down inside. A junkie. A liar. A thief. A manipulator.
I know. It's bitchy, it's complainy, it's emo. It's the truth. I JUST WISH IT COULD HAVE FUCKING BEEN ANY OTHER WAY!!!!!
All I ever wanted was for those around me to be happy - and all I've ever done was make them miserable.
Now - here I am, alone - in a shitty ass apartment, with a shitty ass job - complaining and whining to people who will never see me in person, never know my real name.
But - at least you will know WHAT I am.
I am a coward. A coward who wants to die - but is too afraid to take the steps to do it. A coward, who was sitting in his room, when he heard his mother scream. Scream, scream and cry when she realized the necklace her grandfather had given her was gone.
When I heard this - I was the coward who sat in his bedroom, stared at the floor - and said NOTHING.
That is but one, of the thousands of examples were I could have BEEN A FUCKING MAN and STOOD UP AND FACED MY FUCKING PROBLEMS - but all I did was run from them by sticking a needle anywhere in my body that still had a vein I could find.
I wish it could have been any other way. If there is a God, or anyone - anything up there, I pray that in time - they will forgive me, and teach me how to forgive myself.
I hate myself - and above all - I hate what I have become.
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#19
2008-12-14, 20:28 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
...
Listen man. I've been there - I really have.
I was much more into OC than dope, and thank GOD I never fucked with needles, but despite that I do know what you're going through.
You CAN'T let yourself think those thoughts.
CAN NOT!
You will never be ok if you dwell in the past. I wasted a good 6 months of my life in a place similar to yours. You can't dwell on the past!
Because you know what's going to happen? You're going to die someday, and all you will have accomplished is worry about stuff you couldn't fix.
Don't worry about the future either. Live in the present, and try your hardest to enjoy every minute as much as possible.
It's gonna be hard at first, but after a good month or so of actively trying everyday to appreciate the little things, it becomes natural.
I'm speaking from experience here, my friend.
And if you ever need anybody to listen to you for a little bit, maybe even throw you some feedback, and nobody else is picking up there phones...AIM's in the profile.
Good luck.
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#20
2008-12-14, 22:34 |
Street_Pharmacist420
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
...
Go find a shrink man, for real, you really sound like you have a shitload of stuff you want to get off your chest.
That guilt will kill you faster then a bullet man, don't let it get the best of you
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#21
2008-12-15, 02:23 |
Aces N 8S
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Talk to a therapist/psychiatrist.
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#22
2008-12-15, 02:33 |
556
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
DUDE we are in the same boat it comforts me to know that honestly. i have been sleepless for the last week because i am not getting enough dope in my system to get sleep so i stay up all night thinking about how much i have changed, not able to imagine myself being normal again. it has honestly made me a bit suicidal.
IVing heroin flips a switch in your mind man, and you can't ever go back. it makes you a piece of shit who will do anything for a fix and doesn't care about anything else, absolutely nothing. i know exactly how you feel man, exactly even if you don't think so.
keep your head up man and live minute by minute, day by day that's the only way through this.
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#23
2008-12-15, 02:43 |
556
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Midge
One of my buddies came over.
She brought some of her homemade green tea (I don't know how she does it, it tastes fucking awesome) , poured myself and herself a glass - packed up a bowl and calmed me down.
She was happy to come over and help - and glad that I called - but I just can't help but feel so childish and ashamed. Here I am, a grown man (kind of) , living and working on my own - and as soon as a bad spell hits, I have to call some one and cry.
I feel like a fool. I wish I never used heroin. I wish I could go back in time - and just make things right - they way they should have been. I wish I could change it, so my parents would actually have a son they were proud of - not someone who did nothing but bring them grief and worry.
I wish my brothers could look at me as their brother and their friend - not a liar and a thief.
I wish I could go back - and make it so I never met my girlfriend. So, she never knew me, never loved me, never cared for me and never knew heroin - and maybe then she'd still be alive.
I wish I could take back all of the lies I told my friends. All of the deceit and all of the facades I put on to disguise what I truly was deep down inside. A junkie. A liar. A thief. A manipulator.
I know. It's bitchy, it's complainy, it's emo. It's the truth. I JUST WISH IT COULD HAVE FUCKING BEEN ANY OTHER WAY!!!!!
All I ever wanted was for those around me to be happy - and all I've ever done was make them miserable.
Now - here I am, alone - in a shitty ass apartment, with a shitty ass job - complaining and whining to people who will never see me in person, never know my real name.
But - at least you will know WHAT I am.
I am a coward. A coward who wants to die - but is too afraid to take the steps to do it. A coward, who was sitting in his room, when he heard his mother scream. Scream, scream and cry when she realized the necklace her grandfather had given her was gone.
When I heard this - I was the coward who sat in his bedroom, stared at the floor - and said NOTHING.
That is but one, of the thousands of examples were I could have BEEN A FUCKING MAN and STOOD UP AND FACED MY FUCKING PROBLEMS - but all I did was run from them by sticking a needle anywhere in my body that still had a vein I could find.
I wish it could have been any other way. If there is a God, or anyone - anything up there, I pray that in time - they will forgive me, and teach me how to forgive myself.
I hate myself - and above all - I hate what I have become.
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dude this is the exact way i feel. we are the same person as far as i am concnered. there is not a word you wrote that isn't 100 percent accurate in regards to myself as well. you aren't alone sorry you got caught up in all that shit and i know how fuckin hard it is to right your wrongs but all you can do is try your best day after day one day at a time. keep your head up man and IM me or email me if you are really feeling down cuz we are in the exact same frame of mine right now seriously. |
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#24
2008-12-15, 03:46 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
God this thread is fucking depressing and it makes me wish i could do something :(
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#25
2008-12-28, 08:38 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Quote:
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Originally Posted by RelapseTreatment
God this thread is fucking depressing and it makes me wish i could do something :(
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It also makes me never want to do heroin |
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#26
2008-12-28, 08:44 |
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Humboldt County High
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Midge
Okay, okay - this is emo - so, if you don't like hearing people whine - you better quit reading.
I've been using heroin for about 5 years, just recently - I went on Suboxone - and have been on it for a year total.
Today - I got to thinking about opiates. It's been so long. God, I can't take it anymore. I feel it - like there's something inside of me - pulling, pulling - and I can't stop it. I was doing good - now it's dominating my thoughts.
I can't stop thinking about it. That feeling - that rush, the waves of warmth and pleasure. It's driving me fucking MAD! It got so overwhelming that I just started screaming. No words - just screaming. I thrashed, and screamed, and cried and begged it to stop, begged ME to fucking stop - but it's like there's two people inside of me. One, who doesn't want to use - and the one that is kicking the shit out of the other and WANTS to use.
I just want to feel it one last time. I just want it ONE MORE FUCKING TIME! I can't take it anymore - I fucking can't. Every moment is torture. Every moment - I just want to burst into tears like a fucking child. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to call. I don't know. I don't fucking KNOW.
I feel so hopeless and defeated - so petty and childish - I'm at a loss. I wish I could just die. Part of me hates them, hates them so much - hates everything about opiates - after all I've done for them - but the other part of me just DOESN'T SEEM TO FUCKING CARE!
God, anybody - please - say something - anything. I'm shaking all over. Please.
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trying cutting yourself then write a poem about it in blood. |
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#27
2008-12-28, 08:49 |
mr elusive
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
I'll let you on to a little phrase I learned in recovery.
One is too many. A thousand is never enough.
First thing you need to do is get THE FUCK out of BLTC and off totse. The whole site is one huge trigger. If you hang around in a barber shop long enough, you're gonna get a haircut.
Second thing you need to do is get to an NA meeting.
http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/
Type in where you live and get to the closest meeting. Go, sit, and listen.
In the meantime? Do whatever you can to get over the craving. It will pass. Call someone. Occupy yourself. Pray.
Now only if I could follow this advice myself...
Being an opiate (heroin, Dilaudid, Opana, all that shit) addict this is the absolute best advice to follow hands down. Every addict that has been to inpatient and/or outpatient knows this. An if the religious/spiritual aspect irks you as much as it does me know that there is an alternative called Rational Recovery as well as an alternative version of the 12 steps of AA/NA for atheists/agnostics as well as a whole Alcoholics Anonymous big book for Atheists and Agnosts.
An yeah, if only I could follow this advice myself...but I know people who have been much worse addicts, much longer much more use much more reasons to use an they did recover, so there probably is something useful there.
TL/DR - Go to an NA meeting in your area soon, pref. tonight.
Good luck, I think ur gonna need it as much as myself an spl1ff an the other countless junkies out there on totse an the streets.
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#28
2008-12-28, 08:52 |
mr elusive
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
It also makes me never want to do heroin
Its probably ok for most to smoke an snort the stuff, but once the needle gets involved its usually too much for many many people to handle, an believe you me you dont wanna find out if you are an exception to the rule, if ya know what i mean
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#29
2008-12-28, 09:11 |
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Australia, south east
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
The most stable people, the most appreciative of life in general are people who come out of really really tough timees. Chin up, good luck, etc.
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#30
2008-12-28, 10:25 |
mr elusive
Regular
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Ya you have got to find a way to take your mind off teh dope..
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#31
2008-12-28, 19:17 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
binge drink
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#32
2008-12-28, 19:42 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
I never got addicted to smack, have used several times, what I got addicted to was oxycodon. And wow, quitting was pretty much fucking miserable. Would I love to ingest somemore opiates? Fuck yeah.... Would it throw me back into that hell? Of course, so I abstain. I've smoked opium since, but nothing reasonably powerful enough to kick me back into that miserable hell.
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#33
2008-12-28, 20:20 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
I was where you are now.
It does get easier with time, but as much as I'd like to say it won't take long -- it will. Try everything people said in this thread until you find something that's right for you. Doing nothing is giving you an idle mind, and the idle mind of an addict will think dangerous thoughts.
You also need to prepare yourself and know that there will always be a desire in your mind somewhere. It won't be nearly as intense as it is now, but there will always be a lingering desire.
Time is the only thing that can completely heal these wounds.
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#34
2008-12-29, 00:24 |
demented
Regular
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
Midge
Success?
Relapse?
Do tell all.
Wish you all the best, dude.
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#35
2008-12-29, 00:59 |
ilovechronic
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
You know you can't do it just one more time. Suck it up, it will pass. Maybe talk to your doc about upping your dose?
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#36
2008-12-29, 01:19 |
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Re: Experienced opiate users!!! Advice! Emo!
suboxone's a cop out. you obviously don't wanna get clean otherwise you wouldn't have that pull to get high man. dude if your gonna be dependent, at least get fucking high while your at it....
sure, after knowing the goodness of heroin in the veins life seems pretty fucking dull afterwards but you learn to suck it up and let that pull just fade, that taste in the back of your throat dissolve into another mindless though your electrical neurons in your head thought up.
fuck the meetings man, fuck the rehab, fuck the stupid bullshit everyones trying to tell you. its not hard to not get high, it is hard convincing yourself you want to be clean when you don't however. if you find you need to talk about it, thats what BLTC is kinda for [it does help, to a degree]. trash your cellphone, tell your junkie friends your dead and move the fuck on man...
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