I don't know how I'm supposed to take this....

My sister came to me this morning and showed me a text message she got from our mum. Said "can I borrow that ring until I get my own? He proposed. Wanted you to be the first to know."

Now when that's the first thing you hear when you've just woken up after a rough night of drinking and eating dodgy kebabs, it kinda knocks you for six.

So I've been thinking about it all day...And I don't like it.

This guy is one of the reasons my childhood was thrown up in the air and which, ultimately, turned me into the manic depressive, paranoid, pessimistic, angry arsehole you all know and love today.
My mum and dad broke up when I was seven years old. A lot of drama, swearing, firearms being drawn, etc. Not nice at all. His name was thrown around a lot. She was cheating on my dad with this dude. And some other guy. And they both knew my mum was a mother of two in a relationship.
She got with the other guy but this fella I speak of now has "always been the man she loves". To hear that from her when it's not your dad she's talking about is horrible.

Skip forward fifteen years and they're back together.

I've told her if she's happy, then go for it but it makes me uncomfortable. I do not like the guy for obvious reasons. So she kept going with him. Fair enough. But this?

I have seen my mum even less than before because she's always with him...But this?...This is gonna mean she moves out of London and I won't be able to see her.

I can't talk to her about it...It's not the way with my mum...Once she believes she's right (which is pretty much all the time) you can't sway her. To even speak to her of discomfort, unhappiness or frustration would be a huge fucking waste of breath on my part because it wouldn't change anything.
My sister hates the idea but has to play along and be happy. She's taken care of her over the last couple of relationships-gone-bad (my mum takes breakups really hard).
I'm not even going to tell my dad about it. Nuff said.

I still don't know what to make of this...Am I selfish for feeling this way?...Is my feeling of anger justified?...It's confusing as Hell.

I dunno what the purpose of this thread is to be perfectly honest...Probably just to vent to somebody. It's not like I can talk to many people outside the intrawebz.

Thanks for reading my little bitch session.

Wow, thats fucked up man. If my parents ever split like that (and I believe that it going to be happening in the next few years) I would stick with my dad all the way. I don't know how close you are with your dad or your mom, but If I were you, I wouldn't go to the wedding. I would just rid myself of contact with my mom and just go live with my dad. I'm assuming that your over 18 so you don't need to do that. As for telling your dad, he WILL find out eventually. But I don't know if you want to be the one to tell him.

Good luck in figuring this one out though. Talk to your sister, see what she thinks about the whole situation. Once you do that, you can decide where to go from there. And no, you are not selfish at all and anyone in that situation would be pissed off.

I already live with my dad (moved back in with him after I broke up with my ex)...I'm 22 (Kinda sad really!)

But yeah...It was a fucked up breakup man...Like something out of a Tarentino movie. A lot of things my mind's blocked out but I remember some things in dreams and stuff (everything I remember in my sleep about that stuff was confirmed by my mum or dad...Fucked up shit man.)

Made me pretty fucked up too.

But I just can't believe this is happening. Everything is going to change and I'm basically losing my mum.

Me and her were always really close. We looked out for each other when I was growing up...I was never really close with my dad (He had a shitty upbringing so has a lot of issues.)
The last six months or so though, me and my dad have gotten a lot closer and my mum and I have drifted apart a little.

But this...This is...I dunno man...Just fucked up.

Man I feel for you, 'tis a hard fucking decision to make, and one you wish you didn't have to. I had a similar situation growing up, I don't think it messed me up that much but I am messed up so maybe subconsciously it did. But anyways, I've always felt that way about the 2 parents.. my dad has many strange issues (and a fucked up past), we can connect but not on the level I can with my mom.. But lately he's been coming around when I visit irregularly. Man it's weird I know, I can't help you because I can't help myself but I dunno.. You got some years on me so keep :"[ in.

It's like it's a joke, you know?

"Hey Pete...Not only did my cheating selfish ways fuck up your childhood and cause you a shit load of pain, uncertainty and make you feel unbelievably alone...But here's the punchline...I'm marrying the guy who helped me fuck you up and then expect you to agree and enjoy it! How's that for a side splitter eh?!"

The more I think about it the more I distrust women...It seems every woman who has been close to me has just screwed my arse to the wall, including my mother who should be one of the only ones I could count on.

And I can't stop thinking about it...It just keeps sinking in further and sooner or later I won't be able to be detached as I am now and it's all gonna hit the fan.

And I don't give a flying one who thinks I'm just being a whiny bitch about shit and your shit's more fucked up than mine...You don't like it, don't read it...Fuck you in advance if that's what you're thinking.

Gee....
feel your pain man.

Wish there was something more to say to you other than "throwing one more back to ease the pain"

Not suggesting that as a potential solution; it never really helped me that much. But it seems to be easing the pain for me at the moment.

I'll let you know how it works out tomorrow... if I live that long

Good luck to you! and for what it is worth, my marriage of 18 years was about two years of ulitmate bliss followed by 16 years of total hell.

She was cheating on my dad with this dude. And some other guy.

Your mom's a whore

Your mom's a whore

It's one of those things I never really wanted to think of...But yeah...I guess so.

Thing is though it was all my dad's fault. Apparently.

He was always out working so never spent time with my mum (the times she wanted to spend with him, he was working...Then he came home and she wasn't really that bothered anymore). So to ease her pain, she would spend a shit load of the hard earned money on clothes and shoes and perfumes and God only knows what else and go out with her friends...And screw around with this dude or the dude she's marrying. Although I think there was an interval in between the two. A load of the memories are out of sync or merged in with others.

Mother fucker...My life's like a fucking episode of Jerry Springer.

The only outcome I can see is me saying "Well, you made your choice. Just hope it's the right one. If it's not, not only are you without a boyfriend/husband but you're without a son too. Have a nice life, buh bye."
I don't want to do it...I love my mum...I really do. But I don't like this guy and I definitely do not like the circumstances. I want nothing to do with any of it. And the situation has lasted long enough for it to be un-repairable to me.
Even if it does all fall through and they aren't together anymore, I still want nothing to do with someone who seems like she doesn't give a shit. I can't trust any fucker.

I just wanna fuck off and make it all go away. And get drunk.

Ick.. Difficult.

However, why does this mean you'll be losing your mum? Is this a posesive son attitude?
You'll still be able to visit her, or she you, you know?
I mean, as much as this man ruined your life, you dont have to live with him, you dont have to have much to do with him.


It's hard to tell parents when they fuck up. As much as they like to advise us and say "I wouldnt do that if I were you.." they're still hellbent on fucking up their own lives regardless of what might happen.

Aslong as the guy isnt physically abusive to her, and he makes her happy... there's not much you can do.

I hope you dont lose touch with your mum though, It's really sad when that happens.


I lost my mum for a while, a few years back she started dating this creepy little dude and so started doing fucked up things like taking off for weeks on end to places unknown, leaving me to deal with everything. That was scary because at the time I was living with her and didnt have a whole lot of experience at paying bills or.. doing anything really.



My point being is that when older women fall in 'love' they do mad things. Perhaps deep down she feels that this is the last time she'll have love, or is scared of growing old alone. It isnt, but that's how she might feel.

I hope you support her as much as you feel you can.

She'll move away and I won't want to go to his place (kinda far away from London) and, like I said, I don't like the guy, I don't like the choice she's made and I will not show any flexibility whatsoever with this situation.

As I said I want nothing to do with this shit.

I'm not supporting a damned thing about this..."Union"...I've made it quite clear to her that it pisses me off that not only was my childhood compromised at an early age but it's like there's no remorse there whatsoever. Nothing. All I get is something along the lines of an empty "Sorry. I know I fucked up...But I really love him because of blah blah blah" or "I'm sorry your life was uprooted and thrown to the wind but please see it from my point of view...I was bored." (Or something along those lines.)

I know it sounds selfish and childish but I've put up with her "great decisions" so many times and I'm fucking tired of being there to pick up the pieces for months on end.

It just brings up old memories of just after the breakup and this new guy moved in with my mum in the new place. And she wanted me to live with her when he was always around when I could be with my dad (a guy I actually know!)
I was always told off or bitched at when I said I missed my dad or I wanted to be there instead.
It was like "Accept it, pal. I'm the grown up and I'm gonna drag you along whichever path I want and your feelings/thoughts don't mean shit because I'm happy."

I'm not an obsessive son...I just really don't like this guy or anything about the past that seems to have been conveniently forgotten when it's to her advantage.

I'd rather lose her than have the piss taken out of me.

Well, maybe the wedding'll have an open bar.

I'd say that the closest thing you can do to showing discomfort here is declining to be in the wedding party if it's offered. No best man, no usher, no head table, no toasts; all that nonsense. You're far too busy; busy busy busy.

Fuckin right mate.

Just gonna wait for the guilt trip. Or attempted guilt trip.

It's hard for me to understand why you'd give up on your mum like that, but then I've never been in your shoes or had to live through your horrible childhood with a woman that sounds so selfish.

I'm sorry it had to happen like this.

I guess the posotive bit is if this guy has been around since you were a kid, atleast he's likely to be loyal to your mum.

Yeah...I suppose there's that. She deserves that much. All the guys she's brough into the group have been arseholes who treat her badly and leave.

It's still working its way into me though.

I hope the Christ she doesn't decide to tell me soon...I'll probably end up telling her I already know and I think she's not changed a bit in fifteen years.

Uhm a thought...not a nice one... occured to me while reading your posts.

You sure you're your dad's son? It would be just be even more Jerry Springer to find out that you're the bastard of the bastard.

That aside, walk away from yer mum. Have nothing more to do with her. She lost the right to have a son when she choose him over you all those years ago.

Tell her plain you want no more contact with her and if you meet him you'll introduce him to a whole new and exciting meaning to the word 'pain'.

Then get drunk, throw up, pick a fight with the biggest geezer in the rubba...thats what we do when we hurt.

That thought crossed my mind aswell...But I'm sure my dad is my dad...I didn't get this shitty hairline from anywhere else!

And if he wasn't I wouldn't care...There was no other dude teaching me to make landmines from shotgun cartridges and Christmas lights at the age of five...Or taking me shooting...Or teaching me to do loads of things and be a good fella and work hard.
That's what a dad is to me...And he's my dad. The one who is always there to teach you, guide you and watch out for you...And buy you a pint when your sixteen year old heart's been broken for the first time!

It's fucked up...My mum's always been there for me ya know? Whenever I needed some emotional support or just a person to laugh and joke with, there she was...But there ws always something going on in the background involving a fella.
And so many times it just made you feel shut out when the dude's calling you a whiny baby or something and your mum can't hear. Then doesn't fully believe you when you tell her.

As my dad always said, it's always been about her...And that feeling has done nothing but grow over the past couple years.

I've been a pretty forgiving guy over this fifteen years but this is the last "Fuck you Pete!"

Look me ol'china we both know the rules. Yer mum could have as much hanky panky as she wanted but you never let it affect the kids. You never bring it home.

That was well out of order and she can't expect you to just forget about it cos she's been a good mum at times.

Her bit of rough fucked up your childhood and she should have the decency to keep him well hidden not flaunt it.

Mate, I can sympathize very well with you. We've both had a crappy childhood, and we always were the ones to clean up the mess.

Wether she knew it or not, wether she accepted it or not, your mother abandoned you psychologically, and probably mentally. She left you (and I believe, your sister as well?) alone, threw you, her son, away for some bastard to have fun with.

That, you can't ever let go. She destroyed your childhood, altered your potential personality, and jeopardized your happiness for her own gain.

Under no circumstances, should you give up your own happiness for hers. A man's goal in life is to be satisifed with himself and to live with what little happiness the world can give him.


You are not leaving your mother. You are simply paying her back everything she's knowingly or unknowngly did to you. She brought this upon herself, and you will simply let her do it. After all, it is exactly what she wanted.

Thanks to all of you for the support..It's good to know there's somewhere I can turn to for advice and venting!

Everything just seems to be changing too quickly...The last couple months has been fucking shitty. Now this and some swift realisations brought to light by you guys has chucked a load more in the mix.

A Newcy Brown would really hit the spot right now!

I generally find that Newcastle Brown compounds whatever problems I'm having at the time. :P

Or a Guinness would do the trick.

All I know is, the mood I'm in today has greatly affected my mood at work. I'm snapping like a friggin' alligator!

Fun fun fun.

IPA FTW...which dates me I know :(

Said "can I borrow that ring until I get my own? He proposed. Wanted you to be the first to know."

That bit bugs me. I didnt pick up on that at first.
I really, really hope that bit is a joke.
You dont fucking ask to borrow someones engagement/wedding ring like that!

Perhaps it makes me greedy or selfish, but if I was given a beautifull ring by someone I love as a physical reminder of his love, there's absolutely no fucking way I'd lend it to my mum. If that wasnt a joke your mum needs a slap for daring to so casually ask to borrow something so important.

Yeah, I thought the whole wedding ring bit was fucked up too.

"Will you marry me?...Great...No I didn't get a ring. Just incase you said no."

Great stuff eh?

I still "don't know"...As far as she knows.

He sounds like a cheap bastard :\

Don't give up on your mother, but you should tell her your feelings about the situation. Don't bother trying to talk her out of it if she's headstrong, that'll cause more issues.

*hugs*

No way am I doing that sweetheart. I see your point of view but I know my mum. Talking about what she wants is like talking to a brick wall that will make you feel guilty for it for the rest of your life if you disagree.

Basically it will go like this...If she shuts up long enough to let me finish this little speech that is....

I tell her that I don't like the dishonest and wrong things she did to my dad with this guy. That I know they were having problems but that it was a weak, cowardly and fucking selfish thing to do to the guy who was working his bollocks off to feed, clothe and shelter a family comfortably and buy her all the crap she just had to have.
That I'm fucking pissed off that, even though her son became a paranoid, untrusting and angry bastard who still has to go to therapy because of this shit and her daughter became a hard drug using loser who is only now actually trying to dig herself out, she's still acting as though it never happened.
That, even though she's happy with him, I told her a couple months back that the situation between them makes me uncomfortable and I want no part of it. Therefore, her agreeing to marry him and go live with him would pretty much mean she's left her son behind to be with this douchbag because she knows I'll have no contact with her if he's in the picture.

I wouldn't try to talk her out of it either...The damage has been done. Just the very idea of her agreeing to marry this guy means she still doesn't give a fuck about anyone but herself. And seems to be a little more important to her than her own children. Well it does to me at least.

Cheers for the advice though babe. *hugs back*

I think you should say exactly that to her, good luck :)

That bit bugs me. I didnt pick up on that at first.
I really, really hope that bit is a joke.
You dont fucking ask to borrow someones engagement/wedding ring like that!

Perhaps it makes me greedy or selfish, but if I was given a beautifull ring by someone I love as a physical reminder of his love, there's absolutely no fucking way I'd lend it to my mum. If that wasnt a joke your mum needs a slap for daring to so casually ask to borrow something so important.

I am not completely sure if that is the case, now I think about it...

Remember, I was hungover.

Maybe it's a ring my mum let my sister wear or something...I dunno...Just the idea of a ring on her finger from this guy at all annoys me.