Congratulations! You�ve managed to do what nobody at totse has been able to do [not that there are very many who are trying]: You�ve found the right button to push to get me to react to you : There are several pages of stuff I wrote but still decided not to post. Just the fact that I wrote them at all is proof alone. I�ve never felt the need to respond to an attack before.


After having made my peace with my condition and worked on improving the crappy self image I had, somehow, with just a few insipid posts, You undid all I�ve worked for: Once again too self conscience to be comfortable in public .

Do you feel all powerful now that you�ve shown you can hurt the handicapped?


You made mefeel disabled. Not make me aware that I�m disabled: I know I�m disabled, but. you�ve actually made me feel disabled once again By disabled I mean to feel like damaged goods; like I was not whole as a person [let alone a male], that, you are a sub human. To go out in public and feel all eyes on you along with an almost tangible emanation of morbid curiosity, revulsion, and the worst: pity.


Man WTF is the source of your systemic breakdown? Maliciousness or just good old fashion Pig-Ignorance?

If you�re over 40, which you would have to be if you�ve played drums for 29 � years.

If that is true, then I�m sorry: I shouldn�t be engaging in such a confrontation as to have a �battle of wits� For truly you are an unarmed combatant.

Your style of written communication stems either from a grossly lazy person or you have never set foot in a classroom: a contention that gets further support from your apparent insistence that poems must rhyme.

Personally, I�d place money on the bet that you�re nowhere near the age you claimed: I don�t know many [make thatany] of that age who uses �f**k� as many times as you do. In fact, your whole pattern of �speech� greatly resembles that used by many under 30 folks.

But, as I said, I don�t give a shit about any of that: Be 40, be 18, be 10: It affects my life less than the wings of a butterfly in South America does.

What [b]I DO care about is couple of things that you seem to keep returning to.

Namely: Me being a biker and owning a Hog, and the fact that I need use the public transit system.

Let me ask you: Do you get some sick pleasure by going around to disabled people and then throwing their disability in their face, making it sound like some dirty thing they should hide and be ashamed of?

I mean, did you Cream your pants as you got a mental picture of me as a biker?

Well, take comfort in the fact that least you�re not alone in that perversion: I know a couple of others here who would probably laugh so hard as to risk convulsions upon picturing the hunchback in a biker�s outfit [ �Hunchback on a Hog� would then be their phrase of the week, sure to elicit total mirth].

People like you make me vomit level sick!!

I�ll have you know that I wasn�t born like this:

I�m not a religious person � not by any definition of the word. But I sure Thank the Lord that I wasn�t subjected to you as I recovered from the broken neck: I�m sure you would had one not funny joke after another about the Halo I had to wear [�How many channels do I get?�; �Nice hat, lady�; or some other such stuff you consider the zenith of subtle wit].

As I said: I wasn�t born as I am now. This should clue you in to the fact that nobody is immune from the fickle finger of fate: You could one day find your self in a situation like this.

I can only hope that I�m still alive to see it if it does happens � But NOT so I could then laugh at your misfortune.

I wouldn�t wish my condition � not even the reduced life expectancy: And Certainly not the soul-draining pain.

I might , though, consider wishing upon you a pox that would make your dick shrivel up and fall off, but not what I live with every day of for the rest of my truncated life.

I already know that you aren�t going to believe me about my condition: In fact I�ll be surprised if you even read this whole thing � No, you probably only skimmed it, picking out things that you would then use to fire off your next venom dripping reply.

Fine. Do as you wish.


Oh, about your �totse�s not big enough for the both of us� crap: Besides being overly melodramatic, it�s nothing more than a popularity contest, which, yet again, shows you know not a damn thing about me.

I assume you are referring to the "battle" waged over in the Vogon forum. I only caught a bit of that, but it was enough to show me how much of an ignoramus Khaine is.

I'm not going to try and comfort you or make you feel better, because that may not be what you need or want, necessarily. But I will respect you.

I've only been here a matter of weeks, but that has been long enough to show me that respect is everything here. And from all I've read, you Metaphysicist, have got that in spades.

One cannot respect a man like Khaine. He makes a fool of himself with his insipid style of writing and subject matter. He is a small man, it seems, not only in intelligence but also self-confidence. His style of swagger and bravado are reminiscent of a third grade bully; he successfully displays he has the mentality of one.

So in short Meta, you have my support. Again, not that you need it, but around these parts I think it counts for something.

Meta,

Nox is with you.

Nox

I admire the patience and perseverance necessary to actually read one of that moron's posts.

Besides, I always saw you as more of a hippie than a biker

Meta, you are the shit. I'm sorry that Khaine made you forget this for a (hopefully) short period of time.

That is all.

[TIN]Kamikaze�

Hello Metaphysicist (Please Read it All)
"No Congratulation needed..."First I'm going
to Reply to your Post:"I did Read it all (Ever last word of it).You started this Bro By saying Shit about My Poems."And Yes I do play Drums (Alittle over 29years Now)."And
I'll even open a door for you to Use on Me
if you like..."You said that it seems that I never stepped into a Classroom."That is
True...I was taking out of School in G 3 to
Work..."For the most part I teached myself
how to read and all."But the U.S Navy took me into their Family and For the Most part
I just Learned How to Kill.I was on a Great Roll intel I was shot in the Head on My 5th
time there (In the Storm)...But I did bring
Home 7 U.S guys that Were in a Camp.I broke them out of there with a Gun shot to My head and Gut..."Yes I'm for the Most part an asshole."I own My own Business and I'm also part owner of Act 1 studios here in Canada."I know My Poems and all AREN"T TO YOUR LIKING...Thats Cool with Me But don't Try to Belittle Me for That.Because for the Most part I just don't Fucking Care.
"You know your not going to believe this but
I wasn't Cutting you down on your disability
Man..."I'm Maybe an asshole.But I'm not like
that...I don't down People who Has disabilitys."We all have them.And if you Feel that I was Downing you Because of your
disabilitys Then I'll Say this Right up front The I'm Sorry About Hurting You in that Way..."IT"S just not in MY Blood to Fuck with other Peoples illness>"I'm a MAN."I'm 6"2 and 267lb."No fat thank god for that...I have My 2 little Girls,My wife Died giving Birth to My 2nd girl...That is really all I have...I'm a home owner too.'I have alot of things for a Guy that only has a G3..."I fight Part time for Cash."I'm Fucked up for the most part."You know what's
really funny.My friends or People like the
Band Heart,Rush,and alot of other Bands and Art Folks here in Canada..."I would like to send you a Few tapes of My Music."I really would..."These are the Folks that I hang with.And they don't give ONE Shit about
My reading OR wroting."Their Real Folks,Not
the Assholes you see most everyother day...
"My 6year old girl came up to me not so long ago and asked Me with tears in her Eyes
to stop kick Boxing and all..."The money is Good But I'm to Stupid to Quit...I just would like to give them everything that I can..."Is that Wrong."I don't need your Respect or Rev-Dxm or NOX..."But I'll say this "I DO have alot more respect for you for Coming out and Saying what you Feel in your Heart and all."You can not help But to respect a MAN for that..."And like I said at
the Beginning "I am sorry about Hurting you
like that.but that isn't what I meant to do.
I was just Fucking with you because you seem to Believe that you were better then I.
"To me were all the Same."Be it Male or Female..."We all are the Same...NO one is Better and No one is less then..."that is what I live By..."Well Now you can FIRE BACK or whatever you like to do..."I'm going to end this GAME RIGHT NOW and Move on."BUT if you feel like keeping this Bullshit going Then Don't Bitch Because I sure love a Great Fight..."And As for anyone
else reading this Post..."It go's for you all to..."I'll start Being Cool with you all and if you would like to still play Game's then BY all means do So..."Bring her on fucker.(Metaphysicist,You take Care O.k)
And don't Sweat your disability because you
just Proved to me that your More of a Man then most Folks Here...

KHAINE

stopped reading at the third line, you�re not worth it ...

Then you missed the most important part of the post BSK...

Metaphysicist, you better not ever complain about your "disabilities" again. I don't believe you have disabilities, because you are quite possibly the wittiest, most intelligent, strong-willed person I have ever come across. Whatever you think is physically disabled is made up for in spades by your keen intellect and acute powers of observation. Your humanity is too noble to believe, and I wish I could play and write music in the proficiency that you do. You sir, are not disabled, and have no reason to feel self-concious. I know you just well enough to know that you will refuse to wallow in self pity, and that you will continue on in the struggle that we all face in our own ways.

What's my opinion worth? Not much. I remember the first time I came into contact with you; you had flamed me in SA. After reading this flame, I was in awe of how you were able to command my respect with such caustic words.

See you around on &totse, Meta...

quote:

---

Originally posted by The_Famicommie:
Then you missed the most important part of the post BSK...

---

No he didn't. The thing he saved was time, how long it would take to wash his hip boots.

Nox

any text that is not made to be read in a user-friendly way is bullshit for me. If you obviously want to waste my time with a stupid writing style, I can be sure that you�ll waste my time with stupid facts.

Make your posts shorter because my lazy ass doesn't feel like reading them. Hehehe

Meta, can I just point out that we are all responsible for own feelings? No-one can make you feel something, without you Choosing to feel it. This is a pretty hard concept for some to grasp (but not for you, I'm sure), but we all choose to feel, react, etc in the ways we do.
If you felt crap, it wasn't Khaine who Made you feel that way. You Allowed Yourself to feel like that. I didn't read the posts in question, but, from what I gather, he has really been not worth the effort of working yourself up over. Don't allow yourself to be bothered by ignorant remarks. You are the stronger person, be it.

Aside from that, Khaine is obviously making an attempt at showing more respect with the above post. So, his layout, grammar etc is crap, but at least give him some credit for trying you guys.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Tooth Fairy:
... Choosing ... You Allowed Yourself ...

---

only one ID allowed Khaine ...

After deciphering Khaine's post, I've come to a conclusion, they make absolutely no sense.

And, another conclusion.

Meta = win

Khaine = lose

Although the first part of this reply is specifically to Khaine, the later half is to the rest of you who wrote in to support me: So hang in [or just skip the top]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Khaine:
Hello Metaphysicist (Please Read it All)
"No Congratulation needed..."First I'm going
to Reply to your Post: "I did Read it all (Ever last word of it).You started this Bro By saying Shit about My Poems.

---

I did read your whole post; I accept your apology - that you didn't mean to attack via my disability.

I did feel as I said - at first, and for only a brief time: I had a reason to post this regardless, which I will explain later. I want to first respond to your reply here.

I am not, however, trying to keep or restart things up. I just want to be sure certain things are clear, at least from my point. Hopefully you'll see what I'm talking about. If you don't: well, I drop it for good, knowing I made a sincere attempt to have things clarified.

Having said that then, let me just start out with: I was not the one who started it.

At the top of the thread where this all occurred I quoted part of the description of the forum. Specifically one line I quoted was: "The area was inspired by a desire to allow users to be creative in a sick or poorly versed manner reminiscent of the Vogons in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. "

You must have mistaken my meaning in using the word "Sick", because you wrote:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Khaine:
So you would LOVE to get some REAL Disgusting,Weird,and Total SICK Poetry
on Here."Is this TRUEEEEEEEEEEEE."

---

That is not what I meant.

But that would have been ok; no harm, no foul. But you didn't stop there.

What came next is what I consider to be the first stone thrown in this whole thing. You wrote:

quote:

---

BUT First I'll like YOU to
Say THAT YOU LOVE ME OUT LOUD..."And Tell
everyone on HERE that you Love Me TOO......

......."But you won't get anymore intel
You say PLEASE MR.KHAINE...Oh by the WAY I LOVE YOU

---

I took that to be antagonistic, which is why I responded with the "...agility of a small soap dish bit", Which I had also thought you'd recognize as Nation Lampoon, seeing you said you were my age -or older.

Nowhere did I criticize your writing: I did comment on the lack of no rhythms, which was just what I was griping about in the post in the first place.

Well, I'm not going to go down the list as I had intended.

Suffice it to say that with each new post of yours you got needlessly insulting - and kept returning to this biker thing.

Where did that come from?

Now normally I'd even let a lot of what you wrote go right on by; perhaps I fire back a round or two, but I wouldn't let it get to me.

The timing though was not good.
As you may have read elsewhere here, I am bi-polar [manic-depression]; severely. I keep it in check most of the time, but sometimes it gets out of hand, especially when I'm stressed.

Well at the time this all occurred I was at a low point in the cycle. In addition I had the following to deal with:

1.) Irrational depression about turning 39 [which, by the way, happens today, Oct. 4th - Wahoo I say]

2.) My company was preparing a major lay off [three days ago 30% world wide got the ax: I'm part of the 70%, and was pretty sure I would be since I run the facility. Still...]

3.) A friend that went back to high school with me had been killed in an auto accident.

So, those things kept me off balance enough that I let your posts affect me.

quote:

---

"I DO have a lot more respect for you for Coming out and Saying what you Feel in your Heart and all."You can not help But to respect a MAN for that..."And like I said at
the Beginning "I am sorry about Hurting you
like that.but that isn't what I meant to do.
I was just Fucking with you because you seem to Believe that you were better then I.
KHAINE

---

Before I respond to the others I want to again make sure I make it clear that what I wrote is what I did feel, and I thank you for what you wrote there.

[Though I don't think I'm better than you - or anyone for that matter. I may feel I am better at some things or others, but I also know that you will most certainly be better than me at many things; so that it usually all balances out in the end.]

Though what I wrote is what I felt, it was still, none the less, miss leading.


The rest is for all

It is quite correct that nobody can make me feel anything, that it is up to me. I realized that very quickly after reacting as I did.

However, partly due to being in a down mood anyway from events explained above, I felt that even if I could let things go, that there are many disabled who do take things to heart [probably too easily, but it isn't easy to let it go: I know it was hard for me to learn and I think I�m stronger [or more thick skinned ;-) ].

So I wrote what I did in part because I did think he was directing things at my disability. And I was 'standing up' for other disabled who can't or won't do it for themselves.

The other part was that I knew [or strongly thought] that I would probably elicit a reaction from the masses here, much as it did. And I felt that that would be better than any single retort I could toss back.

Now I don't want anyone thinking that I was being insincere, and manipulating everyone,, and all the rest of the things that I know it could look like.

That is why I wanted to be clear at the top that I indeed did feel what I said I did: it just wasn't quite to the extent as I implied.

If anyone here feels slighted, or used, I'm sorry, that was not the intention [can I claim bi-polar and have that excuse everything?]

On the other hand, I am probably going way overboard in this post, since what I wrote was legit.

And for the record: I don't really or normally feel disabled: I'm in constant pain all the time and I can't stand straight enough to even see in front of me - and I have many limitations, so I know I am disabled. I just don't really feel it, most of the time. In fact, for the longest time I didn't even get the parking permit or do any of the other things I could have [get in front of lines, etc.]. I guess because it came on me over time that I just feel that the way I am is the norm.

I do though feel self conscious about my appearance. That is what gets reinforced when I let something affect me, because I�ve seen pictures of how I look [can't really even look in mirrors, unless they're hand held].

Not to mention I do get comments from strangers all the time - insensitive bastards, I know but one can only be so think skinned.

So, thanks all.

[I think I'll likely come back and edit this later, but now I've got to get ready for work. I'm going to let this go as it stands, because I want to get something said - even if it is all garbled as this likely is ;-) ]

Meta, I too have severe manic depression and thankfully finally found a medicine that helps me. So believe me, I really understand and empathize with your condition. In my early teens the mania episodes were so bad I thought I had schizophrenia because I was hearing voices. My life was like I was truly living in a nighmare.
I don't know if I have told you Meta but you have helped me so much with your advice and support; it's almost like you've restored my benevolence in mankind.
I hope that you work through your problems (which I'm SURE you will!).
I can also relate to the loss you encountered recently with your friend. My grandfather whom I was very close with lost his battle with cancer and my best friend killed himself both within 3 weeks of each other and I am probably facing another loss from cancer with another loved one soon.
Oh God! I'm I have turned this into a Bitch and Moan! I am soooo sorry guys! :| As I was saying I just wanted to support you in your time of need as you have me and thank you and the rest of the kind people that have helped me here.

Sincerely,

Annabelle

quote:

---

Originally posted by BSK:

only one ID allowed Khaine ...

---

Huh?

quote:

---

Originally posted by Annabelle:

Meta, I too have severe manic depression and thankfully finally found a medicine that helps me. So believe me, I really understand and empathize with your condition. In my early teens the mania episodes were so bad I thought I had schizophrenia because I was hearing voices. My life was like I was truly living in a nighmare.
I don't know if I have told you Meta but you have helped me so much with your advice and support; it's almost like you've restored my benevolence in mankind.
I hope that you work through your problems (which I'm SURE you will!).
I can also relate to the loss you encountered recently with your friend. My grandfather whom I was very close with lost his battle with cancer and my best friend killed himself both within 3 weeks of each other and I am probably facing another loss from cancer with another loved one soon.
Oh God! I'm I have turned this into a Bitch and Moan! I am soooo sorry guys! :| As I was saying I just wanted to support you in your time of need as you have me and thank you and the rest of the kind people that have helped me here.

Sincerely,

Annabelle

---

THanks for your support.

Thank to all who support/ed me.

Sorry I didn't get back to this sooner; I've been out for a bit [see thread in SP for explaination].

Ok...I missed out on what Khaine did. But, I can infer one point.

So, let me get this straight: Meta has some sort of disability and Khiane put him down for it.

Back in Cali, this was the sort of fucker I would beat the shit out of. In high school I tutored many autistic children. At some point during every week some piece of shit would talk trash to one of my students. I got sent to principals office more times than I can remember. If it wasn't for the reason that I fought, I would have been expelled, again.

So Khaine, be thankful technology hasn't gotten to the point where I can beat the shit out of someone across a TCP/IP connection.

"Hello Moron
So boy you feel like Beating My Meat do you Pussy?You can't even beat yourself.So FUCK you FAG.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Who's Your Daddy?:
Ok...I missed out on what Khaine did. But, I can infer one point.

So, let me get this straight: Meta has some sort of disability and Khiane put him down for it.

Back in Cali, this was the sort of fucker I would beat the shit out of. In high school I tutored many autistic children. At some point during every week some piece of shit would talk trash to one of my students. I got sent to principals office more times than I can remember. If it wasn't for the reason that I fought, I would have been expelled, again.

So Khaine, be thankful technology hasn't gotten to the point where I can beat the shit out of someone across a TCP/IP connection.

---

Oh yipie: Look who's back.

I guess I should have expected it; it's been that kind of week so far.

If I didn't know not to,I'd ask 'How much worse can it get?'.

Good thing I know better.

Meta you gave advice to me in which you should adhere to yourself. Don't take insults over this BBS personally. And Thetas right, quit saying you have a disability. From what I've seen you are very intelligent, caring, and controlled person. Nothing in your posts puts up red flags as to this so called "disability" you have. Just quit thinking about it?

quote:

---

"No Congratulation needed..."

---

The first line was all I had to read. In his attempt to recompense he exhumed his ignorance even more. His ego-drive is on full Meta, and don't give him the satisfaction of backing down from this abomination.

quote:

---

"Hello Moron
So boy you feel like Beating My Meat do you Pussy?You can't even beat yourself.So FUCK you FAG

---

You notice that nowhere in his post did he signify that he is not the type of creature to tease people with disabilities.

P.S.-You notice the support? That should show you something.......

Thanks. And yes i have noticed the support - and not just here -and I really do appreciate it.

If you read the post I wrote towards the end of things there I explain a couple of things, but I don't mind going over some again - I might even make myself clearer .

In most ways I don't see myself as disabled: I do what I can to my limits and work around them carrying on life as normal as I can [which, to me, is normal since it's all I know].

Also, since it came on slowly I was able to adjust as things got worse, so I didn't even notice for a long time [which is part of the reason it got as advanced as it did].

For a long time I wouldn't even get a disabled parking placard - since I didn't really see myself as disabled, I felt like it would have been somehow dishonest or something.

[There is one area where I can't deny my disability and there it is glaring and it one of the few things that bums the hell out of me: I look disabled.

By that I mean I have a back that bends me so much I can't see where I'm walking; kinda a hunchback - kinda. If you want to know more, read http://www.totse.com/bbs/Forum5/HTML/004133.html

I tell more about my condition there IIRC.

This 'altered look', shall we say, has eliminated any social life I may otherwise have had now.

It wasn't like this when I got married - just when I got divorced .

Even when I was young I had little self confidence -but only in matters of the opposite sex - everything else, no problem.

I did date a bit, but only if some female asked me out. Period.

So now that I'm single I have even less confidence and in fact, based on reactions I get when out in public anyhow, I don't know that I'd want to subject myself to that kind of rejection/ and such.

Don't tell me about how I need to find someone who looks past the disability - No sh*t, where & how?

Don't tell me that women - especially as they get near my age - don't worry so much about looks: maybe not but I know that they worry enough.

[Sorry; don't mean to sound cynical or bitter; it just happens sometimes]

It's pretty bad when you find your social life more boring than a priest [no offense to Catholics meant: I was raised such too]

So, in that area, at least, I do feel disabled and doubt I could be convinced otherwise]

Finally I changed my mind - and I don't know quite what made me change my attitude a bit; perhaps reaching a certain point of limitations or pain or who knows.

But I figured that eventhough I don't see myself as disabled - in most ways - I had to admit that I was in that there were many things I could no longer do that most people could; I have a permanently bent back [and let's not forget the constant pain: I know I don't ].

So given all of that I decided "Why not' take advantage of things for the disabled; as a way to compensate for what I can't do that everyone else can.


So I got a parking card [though I still need a car to go with it, if anyone's got one that don't want....hint, hint, hint ].

When I'm at the bank or any place with a long line, I use the disabled window. If they don't have one I go to the front of the line and ask, a little more loudly than needed if they do have one that I don't see, and if not, how do they accommodate the disabled?

I usually get helped right away.

Places like Disneyland? They send you to the front of the lines [so if I ever get to have my daughter visit me long enough to go there it will be cool].

It's now to the point where I, well not demand, but I make sure my rights are respected.

For instance: one busses the front is supposed to be for seniors and disabled if they need it.

I live in the Bay Area [read: Oakland. Berkeley ain't so hot in this either] so many was the time I got on a packed bus and struggled to keep standing [very psychotic drivers, I must say], while perfectly able bodied people sat in the reserved seats.

Not now they don't Now if I get on a bus and there's nowhere for me to sit I pick the 'healthiest' looking person and bluntly tell them that I need to sit.

usually that's enough, sometimes I need to remind them that they are breaking the law.

And if they still don't move [and if the drive still has pretended not to hear me] I ask the driver to enforce the law on their bus.

If I'm sitting and another disabled comes on [or senior] I will make someone else get up.

I was always good at such things; I just now am applying them towards speaking up for those disabled who won't or can't or are too timid to for themselves.

People who park in the disabled spots without a card? Fresh meat!

And you should have seen me when a friend [also disabled but gets pushed around a lot] took me to this major store. They were having one of those sales where they have a lot of stuff outside. And they had stuff all in the disabled spots.

That was fun! I talked to a clerk, who thought I could be pushed around [my friend had tried to talk to her earlier and did get pushed around.

I didn't let her say two words when the attitude came out: I called for the manager in a loud voice - in front of all the shoppers.

When the manager finally came out [thought I would just go away I guess], I proceeded to make a very loud very animated scene in front of the whole store about disabled rights, how thoughtless they were being, how they were breaking the law and how I was going to turn them over to the district attorney - after taking their names.

That did it, all right. and to be sure I did a follow up: I sent them a letter that was a copy of the one sent to the DA - except I never sent it to the DA; they just thought I did.

Anyway [got carried away as usual], I wrote to Mr. dude like I did because many disables wouldn't - eventhough I didn't really feel as I wrote - many would and I'm sure he's done it to others.

Eh, I have noticed that Meta does seem to talk about his problems a lot, but hey, why not? Although some of the conversation here is theoretical in nature, much of it has to do with personal experiences (Weapons, Drugs, Music, Bad Ideas, everything really). Many of Meta's personal experiences have to do with his phyiscal disability(disabilities?), I just look on what he says as another perspective, and usually very interesting.

Complaining about meta talking about his disability is just as silly as complaining about say, a singer talking about his/her experiences singing..