Well it's now a little over 24 hours since I was last here.

I�ve been asleep for 20 of them.

Or didn't you notice the relative quiet?


Did anybody notice that I seemed to be acting outside of the my normal bounds?

Now unless you think my normal behavior includes making mean spirited and insulting posts....

And who is a paranoid conspiracy theory nut of the highest degree....

Then you had to at least take a passing moment to wonder to yourself "WTF?".

Well I'm not going to try and make excuses: I always take full responsibility for my actions, words & deeds.

I am going to give an explanation and hope that it will lead to some amount of understanding.

I�m sure some already know�

Unless you�re really new here, you know I�m bi-polar [AKA manic-depression].

I will go 2 or 3 days without sleep [without drugs], time which I work on any number of a multitude of unfinished projects. I feel like I can do anything [well, within certain limits ].

This is followed by 2 to 3 days here, given the chance, I will do nothing but sleep. I don�t get anything but the most pressing jobs done � at home or at work.. My mood turns black; I am unable to see anything in even the slightest positive light. I focus on all of my regrets and failures [which, at 39, are too f**king many, damnitt].

Normally in this point of the cycle I just want to go crawl under a rock.

However, as in all things, there are extremes that both the manic and the depression sides can take, given certain circumstances/conditions.

For the depression side, if I�ve been awake longer than usual and/or if I�ve been taking any of the do-it-yourself medications I sometimes use to try and preserve mental balance. Lithium does do that � really really well. But that requires visits to the Doctor every other month for lab tests, because lithium f**ks with other systems and needs to be closely watched. I can�t afford that � no insurance and make too much for free services. So I�ve �developed� some alternative �regimes� that work over the short term, but are unsustainable in the long term; meaning sooner or later I crash, big time. Worse by far than if I just let the bi-polar run its own course. Because of that I don�t usually do it, unless there is a reason I might need to be �stable� for some short term.

Towards the end of a prolonged [or chemically induced] manic episode my already hair trigger temper gets even more easy to set off � even the most benign of things get interpreted as being a personal attack - and if that happens, instead of the dark of depression overcome me, I take all of the negative energy in me and it explodes out at he nearest target or targets, lashing out at the slightest provocation.


[Note: it is now 13 hours later than it was when the above sentence was written � apparently I wasn�t done sleeping. I woke up, impression of the keyboard pressed into my face and the rest of this page filled with �t�s� mostly, with a few runs of other letters [as I moved my head in my sleep.

Though I�m still pretty groggy, I feel much more clear headed than I did
Last night.

So, I�ll continue [and finish]]

Such was the case recently.

I had been up for a little over two days when I learned of Junglist�s departure.

I knew if I let the bi-polar go its merry own way, BLTC would go for a couple of days with no moderation at all.

I felt I had a responsibility to not only J.C. & Root, but to everyone here, not to let it go. So I went to local �pharmacy� and settled in for a long run [I even spent more time, while at work, at totse, than I did actual work. Fortunately I have a job that�s flexible enough to do that and not risk the job].

Then came the post by J.C. which I took all out of any proportion. If anyone was logged in when I read it, that sizzling sound you may have heard was the sound of my fuse, not lit, and it wasn�t any too long.

Then came that post by the newbie asking how to inject OC�s.

Well you all know how I feel about both of those topics.

So, with fuse lit and target acquired, I went off.

And, well, you know the rest

As I said what, yesterday?, that this is only an explanation of why I did what I did � it doesn�t excuse it.

So, I would like to say to the following people:

OC40 [whatever your full name is; I�d rather finish and post this than look it up: We all know who I�m referring to]:

I�d like to apologize to you, specifically, because that was a way over the top reply I gave you, not to mention just plane mean spirited and is not my normal way of dealing with people.
I may not like what you do, but I usually will say so in a civilized manor.

J.C.:
I�d like to apologize for my accusations. I don�t think there was anything meant for me personally in what you posted, though you got to admit, you can see how I arrived at my conclusion, faulty though it may have been..

Even had I still believed that they were, I should have taken my complaint to you, not posted in an open forum as I did. I�m sorry. I�m just glad that I was rational enough to see that I might have been wrong, and to write that too.

Z3m:
[b][I need to go back and reread what I wrote to be sure but..] What I wrote to you [replying to your talk of me delegating a post you made] I did mean ..


[b]Well, that�s about it. Now you know why I seemed to have lost all reason that night.
I know I could have just went on ; acting as if nothing happened.

I�m not like that, either, and felt that you all at least deserved to know why I snapped.

I can�t guarantee that it will never happen, as much as I wish I could.

I can only hope that if I do, you will know what�s up ahead of time and not listen to me.

Sincerely,

Metaphysicist

Hi Meta Any person can develop manic depression, however, studies indicate that highly creative, sensitive people, people tending to be perfectionists and high achievers, have a higher incidence of bipolar affective disorder. Although biological factors seem to play a major role in producing the illness, a person's personality make up and or ( Stresses in the environment ) may also play a part in bringing on an acute episode.

So Everyone dont Piss him off with stupid posts and wind hi up because hi does a good job as a mod.
Online2002



[This message has been edited by Online2002 (edited 11-24-2002).]

i'm sorry to hear about that, meta.

i'm sure i can speak for the whole forum when i say; we forgive you, you're the voice of reason in times of [stupidity] hardship.

those posts certainly didn't represent your (usual) disposition.

and thank you for telling us rather than keep your problems to yourself. (the latter of which i also wouldn't blame, you're more than welcome to keep your personal problems to yourself)

Shit, I'm manic depressive too (not nearly as bad as you though), its tough. Don't worrk about us, use us to vent. Its just the internet after all.

I'm definitely willing to look past some of your more notable outbursts, but the whole thing of editing your comments into others' posts is just getting too damn creepy...




[This message has been edited by Metaphysicist (edited 11-25-2002).]

Seriously, now...

Sorry if it does that to you; I won't do it to your posts any more: no disrespect intended.

The reason I do it, well there's two.

1.) There are occasions where I want to make a point and it would emphasise it better for them to see it where they wrote it as opposed to a quoted reply.

2.) I do it to keep my post count from being artificially inflated. [I know size doesn't matter, but, I don't want to be accused of false advertising.

P.S.

Dude, I'm sending you an e-mail as soon as I post this: We three should have a pow-wow.

I totally agree. Meta, why don't you go ahead and set up our little pow-wow and tell us time/date/medium and we'll go from there. I only sugest you set it up because of time and date restrictions you might have. I almost always available

Gotcha, just waiting to hear from Theta...