I like to think of myself as completely nuts, there are things I�ve done that sicken me when I think of them. But recently I have gone to a moral low, I installed a monitoring program on my girlfriends computers that sends updates of her computer use, chats and website visits to a specified email, I regularly view these logs for suspicious activity. Am I sick? I have picked up on her entering a lesbian chat room before, that had me alarmed but she did not carry on any lengthy chats or whatever and I assume she was just in a curios mood, or should I assume more? I dunno I am an extremely over protective guy, anyone wana tell me some krazy advice?

Love is built on trust, if you can't trust her, then the relationship is doomed as you will never experience intamacy with her as you will be too afraid to reveal your true feelings and you will put no stock in hers. Pretty much, I think you are fucked.

You are sick

this trust thing is getting old....

You're scum. Privacy is a right, not something you can take away from someone just because you're dating her.

So the fuck what if she wants to go to a hundred lesbian chat rooms, it's NOT YOUR BUSINESS.

yeh man. what wintermute said. its her life if you cant trst her then it is.......fucked. its like if i watched you with a telescope all the time ay its dumb what your doing.

Wintermute [and the poster after her] are ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY CORRECT. Yes, you ARE SICK!! I don't care if she is your GF, your fiance, or your (very unlucky--may God help her) wife, you have no business invading her privacy. SO STOP IT, AND LEAVE HER ALONE!!! Love, Venus.

Damn man,
you are one of the few to actually admit man. Very few people, and I mean very few will actually elaborate on their fucked up tendencies. I mean, it does all boil down to trust, but who the fuck has complete trust. Of course, after I leave this message, some people will come on and say.."I have complete trust with my partner..."
But seriously, all bullshit aside, tons and tons of people have thought of what you have implemented; they probably just didn't want to, or didn't have the requisite intelligence to. It is fucked up. You should stop it. Seriously, just talk to her. I am the same way with my girlfriend, but I do my best to trust her, and it works. Take it easy man, and chill the fuck out.
dlacouve

Ok, I'll be the first(I think) to say that Tocsin is not wrong or sick but maybe a little. I really don't think there's anything wrong with monitoring someone as a test. I mean if he was gonna marry this certain girlfriend then by all means he should test her first. No point going into marriage or a more serious relationship then finding out about these trust problems. Prevention better than cure.

Nothing good can come of this. If you seriously believe you have a problem, then I'll relent and not bash you too badly, but stop. Don't wean yourself away from doing this, because that's liable to lead to you still spying on her, just to a lesser extent. Stop, completely, now. Otherwise, you don't deserve any girl at all.

quote:

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Originally posted by just.landed:
Ok, I'll be the first(I think) to say that Tocsin is not wrong or sick but maybe a little. I really don't think there's anything wrong with monitoring someone as a test. I mean if he was gonna marry this certain girlfriend then by all means he should test her first. No point going into marriage or a more serious relationship then finding out about these trust problems. Prevention better than cure.

---

If you're going to be in a relationship with someone, especially if you're thinking about something like marriage, you better have enough trust in them that you don't need to test their loyalty. Besides, this is not a test of any kind. A test would be if a good-looking friend of yours you know she's somewhat attracted to hit on her. This is pure, unadulterated spying.

To Tocsin and JustLanded: I can't believe you have said what you said!!! No girl with any brains who found out about your "test of trust", and how you were tromping on her sacred right of privacy would ever stay with you after that-------and it wouldn't make any difference whether she "passed your test" or not. She simply would not want to be with a sneaky, untrusting, overreaching, abusive, insensitive, and nasty control freak man, which your little plan clearly reveals you to be. You should both be required to tattoo "I'M A LOSER" on your forehead so you could be readily identified for the creeps you are, and kept completely out of our female world. You, Toxsin, are TOXIC. And you, JustLanded would just have landed on your butt if you were mine. Love, Venus.

Il be the first to say that the original poster is full of shit.


Nobody is THAT fucked up...

Well indeed I seem to hit a spot with you all, I know what I�m doing is sick people, but I have not always been like this, its only started after she cheated on me, then all my trust just blew away, she now says she loves me yada yada and would never do it again. But how do I know for sure? We are contemplating getting married, but with the no trust factor I may have to call it off.

Oh and it doesn�t require any effort to do it, the program is readily available on download.com for the purpose I�m using it for!

Lets switch this around, the guy cheats on the g/f, the g/f puts a monitoring program on her guys computer, all the girls here, how would you feel in that situation?

[This message has been edited by Tocsin (edited 12-08-2002).]

Hi again, Mr. Toxin: Go ahead and CALL OFF THE WEDDING. No problem. But stop your spying on this girl!!! If you call off the wedding it may be the best thing for both of you to do....and, unless you change your ways, it maybe even save this poor girl from a dreadful future as the wife of an untrusting control freak!! About what would I think if the girl/guy situation were reversed. I would be just as upset and disgusted with the girl for invading the sacred privacy of her guy as I am about what you are doing. So do the right thing, and STOP snooping on her NOW. Love, Venus.

I will call it off, and I am fully aware of what I�m doing is wrong and sick. But she already fucked up my trust. I felt I had the right to see if she is fucking me around AGAIN. It totally rips your heart out when your cheated on and I couldn�t bare to let it happen again. Oh and I�m not a control freak, she has me well and truly pussy wipped.

You have two choices when someone cheats on you. You forgive them and move on, and trust them again.

Or you don't. And you break up.

You do not do what you're doing.

And I'd be just as fucking disgusted with anyone that did that. There is no excuse for lying (as you're doing) nor invading someone's privacy. It's pathetic.

Well thank you mute. And suppose I did find her cheating because of this monitoring, would I then still be the pathetic one?

I'm so proud of you for your decision to just call it off instead of going on with the distrust and the "monitoring". But I would be ecstatic if (in answer to your last question) you just yank the stupid monitoring software out and NEVER EVEN LOOK AT THE RESULTS to see if you 'CAUGHT HER" or not. If you just do that, you will have turned from a "loser" to a "hero" in my mind, just as an ugly moth turns into a neat butterfly. Hope you just rip the monitor out, never looking at it, and throw it away. Love, Venus.

Do it. Many of my friends have busted their girls and they thought they had loving, trusting relationships. My two closest friends are in the middle of divorces right now and each busted his wife with that same program (did you buy it or download it? If so, where?)

Love and trust all you want. You're a fool not to at least spot check, especially with a tainted past.

~Jimm

If you do end it, keep the software.

You are an idiot.

trust in ignorance in the name of love in order to achieve self gain.

trust is a joke really because its just the opposite of what people want to do with their mates. however its still essential for a good relationship and should be present no matter what. not one person here can honestly say that they dont want to know if their mate is doing something behind their back and if you deny that your just repressing your true feelings(dont tell me your not because the whole point of repression is not being aware of it).

so in conclusion:
1.yes, your sick
2.trust is bullshit
3.trust is needed
4.and most importantly those who disagree with me are just repressing thier feelings since thier fathers never hugged them, because I AM god and cannot be wrong

can u give me the name of the software I can think of a couple of things id like to do with it.

PS: not spy on my gf


And yeah your good for calling it off get someone you can trust and mary them.

As far as trust goes its good to have it even though it is blind. Even if she is cheating on you youre beter off not finding out. If you do find out what wintermute said.

quote:

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Originally posted by Wintermute:
And I'd be just as fucking disgusted with anyone that did that. There is no excuse for lying (as you're doing) nor invading someone's privacy. It's pathetic.

---

Not to mention illegal.

I gave my girlfriend my EMail password, and anywhere I go shows up on the history... I dont think this guy is as bad as everyone is making him out to be.

Of course the fact that hes still with her after she cheated on him makes him a cowardly loser, but the checking her EMail thing isnt so bad.

You CHOSE to give your girlfriend your email address.. BIG difference..

And even if you did find out she was cheating by using this software, you'd still be the bigger loser.. still scum.

Why the hell are you in the relationship if you can't trust her?.. I don't get it..

Tell me, how would you feel if the tables were reversed?. If everything you did was monitored?.. If she had cameras hidden all over your house, and recorded everything you did?..

Why is it that people assume that they have the right to invade another's privacy?. What goes on when I'm alone, what I think, what I do, what I feel, those things are my property, invading my privacy is like raping my mind. That's what you're doing to her, raping her mind.

If you're serious about this relationship, you need to be talking to her. Not spying on her.. A real man would admit what he's been doing (which imo, is far far worse than cheating on her).. and see what happens then..

Of course, I would hope that a real man wouldn't sink to such depths to start with.

quote:

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Hope you just rip the monitor out, never looking at it, and throw it away.

---

Now why go and waste a perfectly good monitor? Just remove the software... geez :P

I agree with everyone who says that it's wrong to spy and you should just call off the wedding if this is what you have to do. I can certainly understand the lack of trust, especially after she cheated on you already, but now you're being the bad guy. Either you are going to trust her again or you won't. There is no middle ground here.

I would bet that both on this board and in "real life" it's mostly girls telling you to stop this.

It's also true that once you do this, you actually don't have enough trust in your relationship to merit having a relationship. So don't do it our of mistrust. Just do it as a ramdomized safety precaution. At first I thought, "Whoa, maybe it's the crowd I hang out with". But it isn't. People cheating on people transcends social groups. It's the same all over.

~Jimm

I think I am the only one here that totally agrees with Tocsin. I also checked my girlfriend like this and I think is a good method to know her better before is too late... And if she finds out, she will know I am interested in what she does, will know I am watching and maybe will give up any cheating thoughts. And trust... trust is a beautiful dream... but only a dream. And one more thing: Tocsin, don't be so ashamed of this, if you belive in something... do it, regardless of the disaproval of this majority here.

Dudes... if a woman (or a guy) is going to cheat on you do you really think they'll stop simply because they know you're watching? The only thing it'll do is make them more careful.

You don't want your woman to cheat on you? Then treat her like a woman. Take care of her needs in the bedroom, not just your own. Do the little things they love, like giving her a simple backrub, or brush her hair. Most important of all, fucking talk to her.

And if she still wants to cheat, then to hell with her.

I said my password, not address.

Fuckin rights.
she's not worth your time, and doesn't realise how good you are!

props all the way man.

oh yeah and break the guys legs who does it.

SNAP CRACKLE POP!
haha

I meant password.. you still chose to give her access..

IMO, the reaction of any person who finds out their partner is monitoring them like this, is going to cheat out of spite.. if you're constantly being accused of a crime, especially an emotionally laden one like cheating, why not at least do the fun part?..

Bottom line, this is a shitty thing to do. If someone's going to cheat on you, they're going to do it, and you're likely only going to find out after the fact, if at all.. if there is no trust on your part, YOU'RE the one who's going to be miserable.. Why would you choose to be like this?. Why would you choose to be with someone you don't trust, who you believe you HAVE to monitor?.

You create the good parts in your relationship, as much as you create the bad.. If someone you're with is going to stray, they're going to do it whether you're watching or not.. and if YOU are going to be happy in any relationship, you have to trust the person you're with. And if that trust gets broken, you have to decide to trust them again, or not to be with them.. All you're doing is taking the perceived easy path, when in reality all you're going to do is make yourself miserable. Guaranteed.

I totally agree with Wintermute and LutherX!! Hey, Sherlocks!!....I will absolutely guarantee you 2 things about a girl: (1) Once a girl makes a DECISION to "cheat" on you, she CAN AND WILL DO IT SUCCESSFULLY--sometimes for years-- and no matter what you do, you WILL NOT FIND OUT!!! Unless she is slow or stupid (and I would never imagine any of you guys would go for a girl like that--hee hee), once she has made the DECISION to do it, she CAN, and she WILL, and you won't discover it(and even if you do, she won't give a "rat's ass"!!) SO the solution should be for you to throw the handy-dandy computer spy program away, and to begin TREASURING HER and being good to her, so you increase your chances tremendously that she will NEVER MAKE THAT DECISION to "cheat"!! (2) With even more certainty, I abslultely guarantee all you "Double O Seven" control freak guys, that your totally one-guy-girl/loyal-cherry for you only GFs who have never before even imagined "cheating" on you, WILL DEFINITELY AND IMMEDIATELY START DOING IT when she discovers (and she will) that you're being a computer Sherlock with her. Better yet, she would just consider you a piece of sh_t, and walk away from the sorry relationship. So the conclusion is that you spy-agent-spook-guys will never find out any useful information with your computer program--that is, you will never find out that your GF is cheating if she IS, and that your handy-dandy computer program will destroy your relationship if she is in fact a happy, loyal, committed, goody-2-shoes GF, and has never even thought of "cheating" on you before. So besides being a cold, calculating, untrusting, overreaching, paranoid, shallow, and stupid thing to do, what you are doing is a relationship buster!! It will not reveal the smart cheater girl, and it will drive your loyal, cherry/NON-cheater GF away!! Love, Venus.

I agree with Pretty & Mute and etc. you shouldn't invade someone's given right to privacy..its just wrong...if someone were to do it too me I wouldnt be a very happy camper.....And I can guarantee you wouldn't either..and as for you Pinay, Just because a women decides to cheat doesn't mean she won't get busted easily...it can follow under the same rules for male or female just because you have different genitals doesnt mean your very different in the way you think...It's probably normal human behavior...And I know if I got caught cheating i wouldnt give a "rats ass" either heh,just my 2 cents....I'll exchange it for a dollar o'course..

I guess what I am saying is that the girlfriend who is stupid enough to "GET CAUGHT", is a girlfriend who doesn't care about the sorry relationship, anyway. Love, Venus.

You need help. If you don't control yourself you'll never know how far you'll go.

gulty until proven innocent my friends....


she's probably cheating anyway...

Ha! Liquid science!

this is a kind of empty solution.

I can't believe you've had to resource
information to decide what to do!
Get it together!

I can't believe some people here actually believe that it is right to "check up on her". What you are doing is infact nothing more than stalking. If she's gonna cheat on you, it's because you're not doing something right, or not giving her the right affections or whatever. Instead of hiding in the shadows watching her, come out and SPEND SOME FUCKING TIME WITH HER.

Listen to people like Wintermute and Pinay, as they seem to me to be very intelligent human beings

oh, and Tocsin, it was a good idea to come here with your problem. At least you realized you had/ve a problem and need help. Unlike people like Jimm, who seriously need professional help.

(and Mishu)

no more posts. I promise

You do realise that you can edit your posts to add in anything you forgot the first time around right?.. saves you having to quadruple post.. there's an icon above each post that lets you edit/delete your own posts.

You've already lost her.

Way 2 go!

So, FRO-mage, you are saying that if I do everything right she will never cheat on me. Have you ever thought that are many women having everything in a relationship and still trying to cheat, only for fun? And... if me and another one here disagree with the rest means we need medical help, right? Nice democracy... And, pretty pinay, beautiful speech... One question though : What makes you the spokeswoman for the entire feminin population?

If you do things right, the chances you'll be cheated on are low. With most women, it's approximately zero, but not all. Yes, the possibility remains. That still doesn't give you the right to invade her privacy (and vice versa). If you're still so concerned about it, you either need to banish the thought or get a new girlfriend that you feel you can trust without such bullshit.

Can't trust any? Go join a monastery.

Hi, Mr. Mishu: I never said I spoke for the "entire female population". In fact, on MOST issues the "entire female population" mostly DISAGREES with and bites and snaps at me. (hee hee)!! I speak for ME ONLY!! However, on this nearly primal issue of THE RIGHT OF PRIVACY, I honestly believe that the sounds you will hear from most others (girls AND GUYS) will be pretty much the same as mine. There are some exceptions, of course........like, for instance, YOU!!!! Love, Venus.

I'm just curious as to what all these people would feel were it their OWN privacy that they were losing?..

I'd wager many of them would say no problem, I have nothing to hide. Go right ahead. Not all of them would be able to live up to it in practice.