I have had a girlfriend for the last 11 months straight, during our relationship i have cheated on her, i have lied a lot, i do drugs a lot and she has no idea. the thing is that i can hide it from her easily now that i moved away. But i no longer want to lie to her and at first i didnt really take our relationship seriously. Now, however i really think i love her, and i want the relationship to last, im moving back to be with her in two months. She thinks that i quite smoking, and i really tried to, but i just cant. I want to make her happy and i want to begin an honest relationship with her and i think that she is a really great girl, but im afraid that if i tell her about what ive done in the past it will hurt her and our relationship. I cant stop smoking but if i tell her that she will be upset im sure, not for the fact that i do it but because i lied. I was just wondering if any of the intelligent people on totse had any relationship advise or could tell me something that i could try, so that i can make the relationship work.

I don't think there's any way you can tell her and not hurt her. You can possibly salvage the relationship, but telling her will hurt her feelings, unless she's clinically dead.
I think you should first become very attentive and romantic to her, and then tell her generally what you did. Let her pick if she wants to hear more details. After this, you will probably have to become even MORE attentive and romantic. If your intentions are good, and she is compassionate and does love you, this relationship can continue, but I don't think it will be easy, in fact, I virtually guarantee it will be hard for a least a week or 2 after you tell her.

if you do tell her the things youve done in the past maybe she will get over it at first and maybe she wont seem mad. But i can almost garauntee that she wont forget about it, and that the next time a situation comes up and she thinks your lying, it is going to be so so much harder to convince her of your honesty. She will think about how you lied to her and how you hurt her for well past 2 weeks, she will think about it when you propose to her, she will think about it on your wedding night, she will think about it on every anniversary you have, and she will think about it everytime you do something wrong or right, i dont think a girl that really does love you would ever be able to forget that you once cheated on her (or more) and that you have lied to her so often in the past. I recommend that you just try your very haradest to quit smoking right now so that you can be a nonsmoker when you move back to be with her, i think that from this day forward that you should tell her the truth about everything that you do wrong, and i think that if you ever do cheat on her again you should just break up with her because you obviously dont have any respect for your relationship and that is not fair to her. Good luck though

All I can say is honesty is the best policy. I don't want to sound harsh but if she doesn't want to be with you because you are or were a lying,cheating,smoking kinda guy then maybe you dont deserve to be with her. Or you could always ask for a second chance.

-That wasn't too harsh was it???

-laterz

If you want the relationship and your going to take it seriously dont tell her about your cheating. She will dump you for sure. You cant change the past, but you can be honest in the future (and you should be).

Since you're still smoking i think you should either really quit or tell her that you tried and failed. She may be upset, but i DOUBT that something as silly as smoking could end a relationship (especially if you dont do it around her). But do be honest in the future, if you really love her then you owe her that.

If you don't tell her, quit smoking and call it your penance.

Love is stronger than nicotine.

I agree .....stop smoking, and don't tell! Love, Venus. PS: Spiffy: I think BOTH Love and Nicotine can kill you!! Love, Venus.

don't just try to quit smoking cold turkey.. try patches, gum, whatever.. but do quit.

as for telling her.. eh, I believe in honesty. If she ever found out, your relationship would be doomed for sure. By telling her, yes you run the risk of losing her, but if she's worth anything at all, you should tell her. gloss over details to start, but come out with "I haven't been honest with you, I hope you'll listen to me until I'm done"..

and end with "I know I've fucked up, but I realised I love you, and I needed to be honest with you".

Erm..

Honesty is best IF she can handle it. Also, what if she finds out 20 years down the road? She'll be pissed, most likely.. but are the chances better that he can say, I'm sorry, but it was all two decades ago, I've been straight with you ever since? Or doing it now, being totally honest, and trying to convince her that it'll never happen again?

I have a friend who was in bad straits with her boyfriend of many years. A guy we knew, lived out west, convinced her to see him when they would both be in the same area visiting yet another friend of ours. Basically, he worked her over mentally and got her in a compromising position.. alone in a hotel room for TEN MINUTES.

Gasp, I know you want to.

She did nothing. She laid there, freaked out of her mind, while he was laying kisses on her until she finally pulled it together and bolted. Nothing, right?

Her boyfriend was an incredibly jealous bastard. She didn't tell him for some time because she knew he'd flip out. Waited.. I don't even know.. a year maybe, told him, and he flipped out. If she had done half of what this guy did and 'fessed up, that relationship would've been in the shitcan. (Not that anyone would have minded besides her, but.. whatever.)

Worse yet, when shit got rough in the future, he would mention it and throw it back in her face. That's a danger equal to, maybe worse than, a break-up. Obviously, not everyone will resort to such bullshit, and if you're with someone who treasures honesty, that's the way to go. But not everyone does.

I saw this happen to a friend of mine. He did the same as you and he was totally up front with his triffling ways. Was that probably the worst thing in the world for the both of them. The look on her face was the most awful thing I've ever seen. It was like someone stabbing her in the back and then ripped out her heart. Ouch. And to add to that. She left him and my very bad friend was really tore up. But He deserved it. Besides he would have left her if she lied and fucked around on him. So it works out. But any ways. I figure, you can either do one out of two things.

#1 Do what every one else is saying. Beg and beg and I mean BEG for forgivness. Be honest about EVERYTHING and oh... Did I say BEG. And oh yes, dont just tell her bits and parts because it would really suck if she figured out the rest a month or so down the road. If your really sincere then you have a good 20/80 chance she wont break up with you.
And this may sound a little weird but dont just grovel in your pathetic-ness but be a man and take responsibility for your actions. Explain you didnt take her serious and say you want to restart the relationship because you love her now. And oh yes, buy her ALOT of shit. It'll sugarcoat the anger for a day.

#2 Dont tell her shit and pray that she never finds out. Flaws for this is if you ever develop a concioncess it'll eat at you for a long time. That will end up tearing up your relationship apart unless you get rid of your concioncess again. And also theres always a chance she might find out and then there wont be a relationship to salvage.

Either way. Your relationship is screwed anyways. Sad to say but you seriously fucked it up and I hope she dumps you in ten seconds flat. You deserve it. Maybe next time you'll take the next girl more seriously.

Spiffy, yeah, I considered what you were saying, before I made my original post.. and yes, personally, I think this relationship is screwed either way, but the only decent thing to do would be to come clean and hope she forgives.. cuz a relationship based on lies isn't one at all.. and it hurts WAY more to be lied to, than to be apologised to.

lol, I didn't say a whole lot to consider..

In all honesty, I said what I said taking him at his word about how he feels, and that he won't end up like most people, realizing sooner rather than later that the love isn't as strong as he thought it was. I wholeheartedly agree that a relationship can't be based on lies- I just don't see it as being like that in a case such as this. A relationship is based on the interaction and emotion between the people involved.

Turning over a new leaf while not telling your significant other that there was ever a leaf to turn is not in the same league. Lying about if asked straight out.. that's another story entirely.. and also not the issue at hand.

Let's be honest (and I ask this of everyone).. if you knew, were just about 100% guaranteed with no hope of it being otherwise, that being honest about what you'd done would end the relationship and quite possibly cause no small amount of hurt to the other person, and you knew in your heart of hearts that despite your past screw-up, you loved that person through and through, would you still do it? Would you stay? Or could you simply not live with yourself under either scenario, and instead break it off for a relatively minor reason and spare them both the pain and your presence?

Lies hurt more than apologies, but not all falsehoods are discovered, and how often does truth hurt more than lies? Besides, a relationship like this is essentially living on borrowed time, is it not? I tend to believe sincere regret and apologies if confronted later will not be noticeably worse than sincere regret and apologies with confession now- especially if she's the kind of person who is suspicious of confessions because there must be a worse truth than what's being acknowledged- and that the possibility of sparing her the pain, as well as keeping the opportunity to make amends in your own way, is worth the risk of her catching wind of these things through other channels.

But only if your heart is in it, and only if you DO NOT LIE- merely say nothing until prompted and answer all questions honestly.

[This message has been edited by Spiffy McBang (edited 08-30-2002).]

Spiffy, yea I get your point.. I'm not really a good person to ask for advice on this particular subject, because I would rather hear painful truth, every single time, than I would lies.. any time you lie to someone, you're putting up a barrier between the two of you, you're saying that they can't handle the pain of the truth, when in reality, more often than not, it's merely that the liar can't handle the pain of telling, or the consequences of their actions..

And lies have a way of surfacing.. yeah, it might be ok if they're never discovered.. but the likelyhood of that is.. not good...

I dunno, honestly.. I still say go with truth and facing the music, because that's the only worthwhile relationship you could have, if you love her, give her the chance to realise who you are and escape if she needs to.. concealment only protects you, not them..

hey thanks for all the advice, but now im really confused and shit, i wanted the relationship to work and for everything to be ok with time, but were still together but its like one of you said, she brings it up all the time and she seems a lot lot lot different lately, i dont know, i dont think she has any idea how bad i feel and how much i want her love and her trust. what do i do now, these last couple days or however long its been have been really bad. I think that maybe i should break up with her, not for me, but i honestly think that she deserves someone who will really care for her and someone more honest than i have been with her. But then again i need her, i love her. I dont know

...does this mean you told her or no?

yes, that means i told her.

Well, hey, good for you. If she hasn't straight given up on you- the only real reason to not tell her- then you did the right thing, and you can probably make it better with her.

if you love her that much, yeah do break up with her, let her get to know you as a friend, so that she can choose if she wants to take it to the next step after she knows the real you. Then you can start a new loving honest relationship with her. Yeah do that.

Honestly, I'm proud of you. can't have been easy by any means, but I think you did the right thing..

Maybe you should point her to this thread at some time, let her read what you wrote and what others thought too.. I think she might appreciate the difficult situation you were in then, and realise that it was really hard for you to be honest, but that you WERE being honest..