1. Milking It: When stroking aguys' cock,
don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing ofwonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top ( where your face sgould be), not two thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking aguys' dick, don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forth. It's a beautiful instrument; it sould be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come, and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4.NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carriied away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock sucking slut" or " I want to rinse your mouth out with my fresh,white love potion". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it.
Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5.CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic momant of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6.POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is allimportant. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy style. Roll over andpresent. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: Whe he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one night stand, you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for aphone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowd any thing.

10. CLOCK WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying, "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes, you should be grateful. This is not a time trial, but a blissful union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such and important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the man to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know how to do it, but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSESSIVE: If you are luck to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a treesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past it's sell by date. At best, it looks like that snatch of a 10 year old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and trowing from side to side. A line like :"I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you- especially if a) sex has lasted more than 5 minutes and/or
b) you managed to achieve and orgasm.
A mans role is far more demanding than a womans' so it is always nice when ones' prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your mans' warm after sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, " Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex and business. It's called whoring.


This is for the girls who wnat to know how to be better in bed. It's what my boyfriend gave me when we started dating.

Cheers

You are my new best friend.

People should'nt be allowed to post shit like that.*saves a copy for reference*

-lol this is quite good actually thanks for that.

-laterz

mm, yeah.


How about I write one for guys?.. the 999 ways men fail in bed...

HEY I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE SOMEWHERE!!!
You copied that, tell the truth.

-=MaTrIXSpiirit=-

quote:

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Originally posted by Wintermute:
How about I write one for guys?.. the 999 ways men fail in bed...

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That's it? We're doing better than I thought.

ok, go on, I�m interested ...

Hey Matrix...
I have no doubt that HE copied it from somewhere....he simply doesn't have the intellect to produce literature at it finest ( in such example ) independantly.

im going to mass mail that to every box in america.

If i found something funny or worth mentioning on the net, even if it is not my own work, i would still like to share it with people here. I agree on the fact that he probally didnt write that, and i also agree that men has their own flaws. But you have to admit, that is some funny/interesting stuff.

If I like the taste of cum, then am I a bad lover? A girls shouldn't swallow if she doesn't like to. Puking in your other's pubic hair would be mortifying...

I would enjoy that.

quote:

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Originally posted by syphon detonator:
box

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ts ts ts

>>>>.CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic momant of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.<<<<<

What the fuck? I wouldnt be disappointed if my semen was denied the utility of eye drops.

Now if only I could fit all those 17-things on a wallet size card.

-*goes to chick* "Would you like a wallet sized card telling you how sucky you are in bed?"

-laterz

quote:

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Originally posted by Wintermute:
mm, yeah.


How about I write one for guys?.. the 999 ways men fail in bed...

---

how'd i know you respond something like that

quote:

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Originally posted by Wintermute:
How about I write one for guys?.. the 999 ways men fail in bed...

---

I'm still waiting for the list.

If theres only 999 ways I really want to see it I thought it was somewhere around 100000 but then again its the same for women

oh what a load of bollocks.

Anyway he didn't write it because i have seen it on another message board, and that guy said he got it from some website.

As soon as i saw the title i knew.

more women are unpleased in bed then men, if you love someone than sex should be agout pleaseing them, not youself

Did you get it from here?
http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/sexjokes/womenfail.shtml

ROFLMAO

That's some funny shit........

Sheesh, I think some people need to get a sense of humour.......

I want to read Wintermutes' version...!!!

wow...anyone know where i can find a girl that does all those things..?

1-800-pornhoe
or www.pornchicks.com