Not only that but I don't even know what all to say or where to start. So you'll forgive me if this seems more disjointed than usual.

I wasn't even sure where to post this, because by no means is it a spurious generality, and I thought it deserved a little wider audience than it would get in BLTC, etc.

Right now I seem to be the eye of the proverbial storm of chaos that is my family right now.

As I've said before, I was a mortician for a while so I know how to deal with death and the way death affects the living. Yet, apart my grandfather in 1985, I've not had to deal with the death of anyone close to me. By extension that goes for my whole family; we've been unusually lucky in this regard [I'd say blessed if I believed in that kinda stuff. But I don't, so I won't].

All of that ended Thanksgiving with the discovery of the body of my younger cousin, behind some crawl space amid drug utensils.

Having been recently released to a halfway house he was supposed to have someone with him 24/7. Why he didn't is just one of many questions I and my family have [will have I should say; most everyone else are all tranqed up or close to needing to be].

Like I said, he was in a halfway house. If anyone can be said to be an example of how fucked up our system is, my cousin is/was/can be said to be.

He spent more of his life in jail than out. Yet his biggest crime was to be caught living [be caught, period] in the white trash HQ of Northern California; where anything other than Bar Fights, wife beatings, husband beating, DUI's , get's treated all out of proportion [This is also before there became a proliferation of meth labs found/busted up there].

Nothing he ever did � or was even accused of � was worse than what most of us talk about in the various forums [I mean the stuff we�ve actually done � Bad Idea�s and such not withstanding].

What got him 3 to 5 up there would have got probation � or even dismissed � in Alameda county. Most of the time served was for having a dirty piss test whilst out on probation. And even though he finally took my advice and moved up to the city here, once popped he�d get sent back to rural hell and judges who I swear had it out for him [of course I�m biased, so�].

I don�t even remember what the original charge was that put him in jail. Neither can any of my relatives; well not any with whom I�ve been able to speak with � a really small percentage of the whole, I confess. As I said earlier, this has my family torn up.

I mean, in my 40 years I�ve seen my Dadd cry before [I�ve caused him plenty of grief myself over the years], but it has always been short, fairly controlled. This time I haven�t even been able to talk with him [we live 400 miles apart]. When I was talking with my Momm, I could hear him n the background. Inconsolable barely describes him right now � It tore my heart out to hear it, and I�ve walled myself off from such things. Or so I thought.

And if he�s like that I can only imagine the condition of his sister [my aunt, my cousin�s mother], and his mother [my & my cousin�s grandmother].

I�ve also got to talk with my daughter about this too � he was one of the very few of my family that she actually knew.

The cause of death hasn�t been given, but it seems pretty obvious, given the items found around him.

I knew he messed with needles, but to the best of my knowledge, it was only speed. In other words, I never knew him to mess with heroin or any other opiates. Though I had last seen him years ago and people do change/move on// etc. Yet I feel that opiates are/were involved.

Like I needed another reason to be against recreational opiate use.

I didn�t write this for any self pity sake or such � I�m not exactly sure why I did, to be absolutely truthful here � But I know a big part is so others here can see that their problems ain�t all that bad, when looked at in context of the big picture = much as mine here is, too, when I pull back a couple of notches.

I think the trigger to write was reading the post in Bitch & Moan where the dude was talking about his worst weekend ever, which consisted of losing a $50 bag of weed which was only a partial bag due o having smoked some before losing it.

I don't know what to reply. I feel for you man, I do. I've never had to deal with death in any way, but I'm sure it'll be hard when I have to cross that bridge.

That is some very interesting reading. I never knew you were a mortician. You seem to not have a reason for typing all this up, except to get it out of your system. If this is the case, I sincerely hope you were successfull.

Another god damned death from heroin. When will it end? I cant really relate to you, as i havent had many deaths in my family, other than an aunt when i was pretty young. My grandfather has prostate cancer, and reading this post kind of made me sick to my stomach thinking about these kinds of things. My deepest condolences to you, and i hope your family gets everything sorted out.

On a side note, this just makes me think back to April when they found Layne Staley of Alice in Chains dead. Heroin pisses me off to no end.

As I said, it's not certain it's heroin and I wasn't aware of him messing with it.

But, as I also said, I last saw him over 5 years ago, and I feel deeply that heroin was involved.

Yeah, part of my reason for posting this was to get it off my chest, and yeah, it has helped a little.

[Again] as I mentioned before, I had thought I'd walled myself off from such things.

After being a mortician, you have to learn to do that or you will be eaten alive by grieving families.

The dead don't get to you in the business, it's the living, which is what made me decide not to make a profession out of it, and left while the only thing permanently warped was my sense of humor.

I've also tried to wall myself off from the drama that is my family. Being Italian their favorite pastime is pinocle [sp] and arguing over everything . Don't get me wrong, they love each other dearly, and they love to argue . I could never get into that.

But, somehow this whole thing has got in through whatever cracks there are in my wall, and I find myself disturbingly troubled by the whole thing - and in ways I can't put my finger on or nail down.

I think part of it is the constant bombardment I've had to deal with - this has been the fist quiet period I've had in over 24 hours.

Knowing I was a mortician, everyone is calling me with questions: how long does a tox screening take, will they have to cut him open if they know it's a drug OD?, when will they release the body? Will they 'deliver' or is it something that needs to be arranged on this end? etc. .

YOu can see how that can be emotionally wearing me down, I should think.

{So I'd like to take a moment to apologize, now, to anyone in BLTC, who may be on the receiving end of anything from me the next day or so.}

The other main reason - that I'm aware of - for posting this, is to let others feel a little bit better about their problems and life.

After the ordeal is over, do you think that this could possibly change your out-look on life? You said yourself that this was posted in order to make people see how good their life is, will it possibly do the same for you?

I'm very sorry this happened. I have dealt with death in the family myself. Just of recently my Father died, and I was subject to immense emotional bombardment. You may feel depressed, confused, lost. Just know that the feelings pass in time. Everything came to light afterwards. If you are in any need of advice, pm me, it's the least I can do.

This sort of reminds me of an old favourite poem by Lawrence Ferlinghetti:

The World Is a Beautiful Place

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind happiness
not always being
so very much fun
if you don't mind a touch of hell
now and then
just when everything is fine
because even in heaven
they don't sing
all the time

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind some people dying
all the time
or maybe only starving
some of the time
which isn't half bad
if it isn't you

Oh the world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't much mind
a few dead minds
in the higher places
or a bomb or two
now and then
in your upturned faces
or such other improprieties
as our Name Brand society
is prey to
with its men of distinction
and its men of extinction
and its priests
and other patrolmen

and its various segregations
and congressional investigations
and other constipations
that our fool flesh
is heir to

Yes the world is the best place of all
for a lot of such things as
making the fun scene
and making the love scene
and making the sad scene
and singing low songs and having inspirations
and walking around
looking at everything
and smelling flowers
and goosing statues
and even thinking
and kissing people and
making babies and wearing pants
and waving hats and
dancing
and going swimming in rivers
on picnics
in the middle of the summer
and just generally
'living it up'
Yes
but then right in the middle of it
comes the smiling
mortician


It sort of applies to Metas situation- the good with the bad, the way that people do die but there are still things to be happy about.

Chunk

Hopefully, he died happy. Even if it was drug induced happiness.
Thats all you can hope for anyone isn't it? That they die happy.

That really sucks...I can't think of much else to say.

I understand what you mean by your family likes to argue. I live in an Italian family as well, and from what I've seen everyone LOVES to argue. Out of my mom's side of the family, my uncle and I are the most calm people, as we try to enjoy ourselves instead of being caught up in the yelling/loudness. As for my dad's side...well everyone is a bit calmer there.

This summer, I lost a lot of friends. Two of my best friends moved, one of my best friends drowned, and a bunch of others moved away. Life was nothing but hell for me for a while. Death is a horrible thing. No matter who it is dieing. My friend who died though...he was the one person nobody could ever imagine gone. His nickname was JESUS, due to his long hair, facial hair, and how he was always filled with wisdom and knowledge. We were like his diciples most of the times. If not, he followed us around, and that was something everyone enjoyed. He was a huge stoner, but he was the best kid you could know. His death was like...I guess I could only relate it to a bomb. It fucked everything up. I only knew him for half a year. I cried my heart out at the viewing..

I'm real sorry about your cousin. This is really depressing. I just hope it wasn't due to opiates, and he did die happy. Sorry man...best wishes to you and your family.

I've been through family deaths before, and they hurt beyond all belief. I feel for you, and best wishes.

I know you say you arent sure if it was a heroin OD or not but you also say you are biased and probably dont want to believe it was. It does sound like one though and the fact he was only out of prison would make it all the more likely, What happens is your tolerance for the drug goes down cos you havnt used for a while and then when you do you think you can use the same amount as before and it increases the chance of overdose. I know this isnt probably something that can give you comfort but if Im right the chances are he had been clean and making an effort to stay that way for some time for the tolerance level to drop that much, and something might have and probably did happen that you might never know that made him want to use again. Of the hundreds of heroin addicts I know not one that has tried to kick has done it without slipping at least once and unfortunately some of them even the most determined will OD and die. Again I know this wont make you feel better but at least look at it this wasy that he was trying.
Just to add you have my deepest condolences, I was the very same way a few weks ago when my friend was killed on holisay and it was a releases of sorts to speak out on the boards here.
If you are looking for someone to talk to about this if you get in touch with your nearest Narcotics Anonymous they can put you in touch with a parent and family support group who can help you and your family throughit.

Is any tpye of action going to take place is what I want to know. Couldn't the system there get in trouble?

I guess I cannot really feel for you or anything because I have not really experienced anything like that before. My grandfather died when I was six but I was really too yound to understand what all was going on, and i guess i sort of still am considering that I am one of the younger members of this forum. But my heart goes out to you man and I have a lot of respect for you and that is something because I have never even met you in real life. I just felt like I should say something. So my deepest condolences for you man and I hope you can make it through all of this allright.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mackofett:
I know you say you arent sure if it was a heroin OD or not but you also say you are biased and probably dont want to believe it was. It does sound like one though and the fact he was only out of prison would make it all the more likely, What happens is your tolerance for the drug goes down cos you havnt used for a while and then when you do you think you can use the same amount as before and it increases the chance of overdose.

---

I think you misunderstood me a little.

I�m not sure if it was heroin because in all the time I knew him he never messed with that.

Speed & needles, yes, heroin, no.

But, as I said, I hadn�t seen him in over 5 years so he may have very well got into them.

I said I�m biased, and I am in that I�m against recreational use of opiates

As for not wanting it to be heroin that killed him, that�s not true;

I wish he hadn�t dies , but that�s not an option. It doesn�t really matter what killed him because dead is dead.

If it was heroin [or other opiate] that just gives me another reason to be against recreational use.

And I�m leaning towards it having must have been heroin.

I say this because, as far as I know, OD�s involving speed aren�t usually the kind you just find the body with � Does that make sense?

I�d like to thank the kind words and support offered to me here.

Though you don�t really know me, nor I you, it has helped more than you can know.

Especially since I seem to be a focal point for everyone due to my experience as a mortician.

A little more news came my way:

It seems he had been at the halfway house long enough to be given permission to go on �excursions�.

Him and a �buddy� went on one to the City [San Fran].

Somewhere along the way [I suspect when the �buddy� noticed a problem with my cousin], he split, taking my cousins car.

They now are looking for the car & the buddy.

Boy, if I find out that this guy just left my cousin to die, when something could have been done�.


I�ll just leave it at that

I hate it when people say "look for the good in this" when someone dies. Not a damn thing good comes out of the death of a loved person. This rule applies with very few exceptions. The very notion of gaining anything positive for myself out of a death is terrible. Even if a lesson is learned, or a change is made, the pain it causes eats away the goodness left in us and leaves us numb with grief. My condolences to you and your cousin, and anyone else in a time of grief. Anyone here who is battling addiction, I admire your courage and hope with sincerity that you succeed.

Great poem Chunk.

My heart goes out to you hun., I lost a sister in 1999, her lungs collapsed and her hubby watched her die. We are a really close family, Mum and Dad were travelling around Australia and three hours away from her when she died; if anything was to happen, I thought it would be to them, this was so out of the blue it threw me. When I found out, it was literally like a punch in the stomach, I went out the front and howled like a friggen mad woman, I just sat on my verandah holding my stomach rocking back and forward and sobbed and sobbed. It's funny, cos every day after that my every thought was of her. With time, it slowed down a lot, I wasnt so absorbed in it all, but when it's fresh it's so hard to not think about. For you to have the experience as a mortician is the pits though huh? Sometimes being an expert isnt always a good thing, you're expected to be the expert and not left to your feel your own grief as no one will leave you alone, and after all, people think you can handle it cos you've been surrounded by death for so long. You need your own time to deal with this, and people will stop ringing you soon, cos the questions will run out and you will be able to deal with it in an emotional manner, not just professional like you've probably been doing so far. I know you cant say it, but what your family need to realise is this is the reason why cops and ambo's are not allowed to deal with their own families accidents.....personal involvement. You can be trained to your eyebrows in how to deal with stuff, and switch off from emotions, but when you know the person involved it's a totally different story. Even when you know someone is dying from cancer etc, you can prepare yourself all you want - you're never really ready for it though, it's still a shock. People just need to back off and let you grieve and stop treating you as the professional you are.....you're still human.
I really feel for you, I know where you're coming from, and just remember that time heals all wounds. The strange thing is, when you think you've finally dealt with it and anniversaries or birthdays come up (of the deceased) you prepare yourself to have a really shit and depressing day, and it doesnt happen! Then out of the blue, something trivial will set you off. I just had that happen yesterday, I took my kiddies to a christmas show, and while these bloody dancers are up on stage dancing to 'Rudolph the red nosed reindeer' a tear came to my eye and I was choked up cos that was a song my sister tap danced to when she was little, only she forgot the dance and stood on stage and cried! boo friggen hoo, everyone thought I was getting nostalgic, but there you go.
And a bit of info for someone else, Im sorry I forgot to write down your name, the person who commented on the fact that no user had ever gone clean and stayed clean - Ive seen one (touch wood). My girlfriend was a heroin user for seven years, and when I met up with her again she'd been on methodone for quite a few years (thanks to revenue raising fuckwit doc's in Australia), anyways, she was a guinea pig in one of the hospitals out here, and went into hospital for two weeks to dry out. They dosed her up with pain killers and knock out pills for the two weeks to get over the withdrawals, and I went to stay with her while she went cold turkey for the two days prior to entry, and visited her every day in hospital. The person has to really want to get off the crap, not just think they should, and it works. Its hard work, mind you, I cant describe some of the pain she was in, physically and emotionally, but she did it, and has been clean for two years. So hopefully, she'll stay that way (or Ill kill her before the heroin does). People have very little time for junkies, but they have a sickness just like everyone else. You cant tell me that any junkie stuck a needle in his arm knowing they'd get hooked. I feel for them, it must take a very troubled soul to turn to such heavy shit.
Take care darl, it'll get easier. Just think, he's no longer in pain now. We're the ones left to suffer.


[This message has been edited by Kezza (edited 12-02-2002).]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kezza:
Sometimes being an expert isnt always a good thing, you're expected to be the expert and not left to your feel your own grief as no one will leave you alone, and after all, people think you can handle it cos you've been surrounded by death for so long. You need your own time to deal with this,

---

Oh good god yes!

You've hit the nail on the head.

And nothing against them, in their state of mind I'm sure they haven't even given it a second thought [or a first ]

[Also: I'm sorry to hear about your sister.]

quote:

---

I know you cant say it, but what your family need to realize is this is the reason why cops and ambo's are not allowed to deal with their own families accidents.....personal involvement. You can be trained to your eyebrows in how to deal with stuff, and switch off from emotions, but when you know the person involved it's a totally different storyPeople just need to back off and let you grieve and stop treating you as the professional you are.....you're still human.

---

Yes, thank you.

I wish I could somehow get them to read this, but I guess you can't direct family [or friends, for that matter] to read a site like this, like you would an Ann Landers column, eh?

quote:

---

I really feel for you, I know where you're coming from, and just remember that time heals all wounds.

---

Yes, and Time wounds all heels

quote:

---

The person has to really want to get off the crap, not just think they should, and it works.

---

I've said the same all along [if you search and read my posts you'll see that I've quite a lot to say on the subject].

Wow, was your post a breath of fresh air.

Not that any of the other well wishers weren't; you all have been, and I again thank you

But when I look at your total posts; under 10, I have to say that I can only but hope that you're the first of a new wave of newbies; an omen, if you will.
I welcome you to the Temple of the Screaming Electron .

Awwwwwwww - shucks - thanks so much! Ive got a big head now!

but I was trying to make you feel better, not you make me feel good!

Its' good though, when you find someone on the same wavelength huh?

Take care hun, Im thinking of you.

A big fat hug from me to you.....

While an individual needs time to deal with the pain of losing a loved one, it's good to keep in mind that people die everyday. Some by accident, some by murder. Americans have a far too sheltered view of the world around them. Just because you've never seen someone shot in the head (less maybe on tv) doesn't mean the world is without violence.

I have seen someone shot through the head; through the eye as a matter of fact.

I've also seen [since you seem to think I'm sheltered]:

A person stabbed multiple times

A 16 year old whose head was crushed when the support holding his tranny slipped [and he was working alone]

I was amongst the first to see, deal with an AIDS death, in the very beginning[back when they still listed men from Haiti as suspect groups] - the early 80's, in case you want a time frame.

A 12 year old with road rash over 75% of his body because he tried running across a freeway

A 6 year old cancer victim

More infants and babies than I care to remember

I've watched more autopsies than Jack Klugman

I've been inside the L.A. county coroner's 'Meat Locker'** where:

1.) Bodies not only lie on gurneys, but hang from meat hooks
2.) I saw one hanging on such a hook that, upon closer inspection was only half a body: from the hips down was missing
3.) I saw a gurney with a sheet covering it that had, when my partner [and trainer] pulled back the sheet, was just a pile of legs, arms, and other misc. limbs and body parts - internal and external. [To give you an idea of the warped sense of humor people in the business develop - as a defense mechanism - I wanted to take a picture of that gurney, and use it for the cover of an album; calling it parts is parts.]


So, Mr. Z3m, don't think to try and shame me because I'm feeling grief for a member of my family;I've seen more death in my life than you hope to never have in all your nightmares.

[Sorry if I've grossed anyone out; that wasn't my intention.]

**: Besides time spent here [Bay Area] as a mortician, I spent a short few months in L.A. working for a removal service].


[This message has been edited by Metaphysicist (edited 12-02-2002).]

So to counter-act an assumption, you react with one:
I've seen more death in my life than you hope to never have in all your nightmares.


Interesting.

Its amazing how death can make us all seem very human.

�We have familiar experience with the order, the constancy, the perpetual renovation of the material world which surrounds us. Frail and transitory as is every part of it, restless and migratory as are its elements, still it abides. It is bound together by a law of permanence, and though it is ever dying, it is ever coming to life again. Dissolution does but give birth to fresh modes of organization and one death is the parent of a thousand lives. Each hour, as it comes, is but a testimony how fleeting, yet how secure, how certain is the great whole. It is like an image on the waters, which is ever the same, though the waters ever flow. The sun sinks to rise again; the day is swallowed up in the gloom of night, to be born out of it, as fresh as if it had never been quenched. Spring passes into summer, and through summer and autumn into winter, only the more surely, by its own ultimate return, to triumph over that grave towards which it resolutely hastened from its first hour. We mourn the blossoms of May because they are to wither; but we know that May is one day to have its revenge upon November, by the revolution of that solemn circle which never stops-which teaches us in our height of hope, ever to be sober, and in our depth of desolation, never to despair.�

Taken from the sermon of John Henry Newman entitled �The Second Spring�.

I�m sorry for your loss. I can imagine the pain your going through. This has happened to me before and whenever I�m feeling down I read this passage it always gives me hope for the coming days. Whether you know a person for a day or for your whole life when they die it is always hard for those who know the deceased and cared for them. I understand there are no words that can say what you're feeling and you just want to lock yourself up in a room and scream at everyone who tries to tell things will be better and everything will be okay. But you have to be strong for your daughter and the rest of your family.

I hope this helps and I hope in time your wounds will heal.

-Vijeta

condolances, Meta.

this is the case of the little flower from asia ruining lives. opium in any form has torn people apart. i hope you recover your life after this, but there isnt much else to do but get on with life.

the creator gives all of us challenges that will either destroy us, or we can learn from them. i wish you luck in your judgments between right and wrong as you'll find that todays choices is what makes tomorrow.

My deepest condolances go out to you, Meta, and your family in your time of greiving.

I cannot truly relate to this, as I have never been old enough to realize the pain of a death of a family member. This thread has, however, humbled me greatly and even given me a new outlook on life.

Another interesting thing is that during my time at totse, reading BLTC posts, in an environment that one would think would make me more inclined to try hard drugs, I have actually rather been steered away from hard drugs because I have experienced the pain and suffering involved with them through posts, like a second set of eyes to view the world with.

Once again, my condolances,and thank you.