At least you have a choice about looking like you do.
I get irritating reactions due to my back; and I can't do a damn thing about it.
Most of the time I am able to totally ignore it, but being bi-polar there are those times when it just comes at the wrong time and it can have a large effect [I'm glad that
that doesn't happen too often.
The reactions I get vary but fall into a few categories; mostly grouped by age and gender.
The one I hate the most - on those occasions that I don't/can't ignore it - come mostly from young women [and I
include those all the way up to my age: thank you very much
].
By and large their reaction is to assume I'm depressed based on how I look when I'm walking [head down and all]. "Look up, it's not so bad", "Cheer up!", and "Look up and let me see you smile!" are some common things I hear.
Alone, that wouldn't bug me. It's when they find out my condition; then they pour on the
fucking pity.
I hate,
hate,
hate pity!!!
I am slowly losing more ability and range of motion. I try my best to have a positive self image [something I'm afraid I have utterly failed in]. Pity undoes what little progress I am able to make.
it validate the voice in my head that says that I look like a mutant - even though I know in the rational part that it can't be as bad as I think.
It's impossible to have a bad self image and still have confidence enough to try for any sort of social life [read: dating], not only is that why I am still single, it is also why the last woman I went out with was my wife [before we split up, obviously].
[Sorry, I digress; and this is not a subject I care to go into any more than this.
I may even decide, upon reading it after I've had some sleep, to delete that whole part.
Ah, but you'll [the collective totse 'you'll'] never know if I do, so I don't know why I'm still typing here.
Right. Moving on to adult males:
Mostly with adult males I get a flat 'What's wrong with you?'; in a tone that is more an accusation than a question.
I used to give the whole explanation - when I did chose to even react. But that just got tedious. So I now say that me and a motorcycle lost an argument with the side of a mountain. Most of the time that will serve to shut the person right up.
The other thing I mostly hear from adult males is "Look up" or " Watch where you're going".
That one I almost always find I must respond to [The disease has done nothing to my male ego
].
Depending on the tone used [and my mood, I guess], I will usually just fire off an "I would if I could" or an "I'd really love to do nothing more that that."
I've even had a couple of guys actually
walk into me! They had expected me to get out of their way!
Every time this has happened the guy
always says "Why don't you watch where you're going?!". To which I get to answer with the old "Because
I can't: What's your excuse?"
Now a there is one group who reactions to me do bother me more - more than they should too, though I still am able to let most of it leave me unaffected.
It's kids; there's two groups: the under 6 or so, who are mostly female. They bother me the least, though even their reaction can get to me if I'm in the right [or wrong] state of mind.
They react as if I'm Frankenstein�s monster: They are actual afraid of me [remember, I'm talking about 'them' in a most general sense - as I did with the other groups]. The try to hide behind mommy, get ever more terrified the closer I get: some have gone into out and out hysterics: that poor kids mother was so mortified and embarrassed. She apologized over and over to me.
That one I found funny as I did the time I was standing in line at the grocery store - I was still in the body cast/halo, and this little girl - about 5 or 6 years old -she just kept staring at me. No fear in this one, curiosity; you could see the curiosity. Finally she asked me - very politely, I might add, what happened to me [that I had such a contraption bolted into my head].
I look down at her with a serious expression; bent back to look up briefly
at her mom so she could see I wasn't PO'd.
Looking back at the little one I said - in the most serious tone I could: "I didn't eat my vegetables".
The other group [of kids I was referring to above] is between, I'd say, 9 and 11 or 12, and are mostly males.
The latter group's main thing, when they see me walking towards them or near them, is to act like some mutant zombie creature is coming towards them: They scramble to get out of my way - well out of my way - while making sure that I and everyone around know.
As I said, I can mostly just ignore such crap: they are only kids after all.
Occasionally someone in a group will get bold and throw some age appropriate insults my way. That is a bit harder to let go, but I mostly do.
However, there was this one
real fucking obnoxious bastard of a boy. He just couldn't let it go, he thought he was impressing the whole block with what he thought was witty comments directed at someone who, though bigger than him, couldn't do anything to him even had I wanted to. Probably true, so he figured himself totally safe an immune from any retaliation.
Silly boy.
I think it must have been his first lesion in how the word can cut as deep or deeper than a knife; because I really gave him both barrels, as it were.
[And while I do sometimes get a small pang of guilt when I think about it; it never lasts long; he was
that much of a little shit.
What did was walk right up to him, bent backwards [so I could look him in the eye as best as I could - this only gave him more confidence, which was as I intended]. I then deflated his bluster.
What I said to him went along the lines of this:
"Ah, a cleaver little shit aren't you? Sure; I many look quite funny to you when I walk, but at least I am
able to walk after hitting the side of a mountain on my motorcycle at over 95 mph.
A motorcycle, I might add, of the type you'll never be able to own. Because while my looks now be such to cause you great amusement, they will never cause any door of opportunity to be closed to me, and I
know that you already know that you can't say the same for yourself.
Face it: unless you win the lottery - which you can't because your not here illegally - you have only two hopes of ever making more than minimum wage: Sell drugs or pray the Government decides to pay reparations; and I wouldn't hold my breath on that one!
In fact, while you may have got a few minutes of fun at my expense,
I will have many over the years at your expense each time I think about how statistics say that before you're half my age you will either be in jail or dead. And I'm sure that someday you'll make somebody a great wife!"
And I turned and walked away.
Damn, this is just too much to have written about nothing.
I'll post, but only because I'm not going to have wasted the time, stiffened my shoulder joints from standing and bending over this key board since 1:00am [it's now 3:50am].
That don't mean I won't delete all or part of this upon wakeful rested [but, alas, still pained
]
You can bet your sweet bippy that I'm not posting anything more
until I am rested.
Good bloody night/morning all.
2002-10-17, 04:56
reactions to body modifications
and possibly some others, not sure though