In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told.

Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up. Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the r�sum� of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this.

So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results. So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing.

And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite. I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend. But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to.

And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing. So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun.

But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci.

Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat. So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50.

Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!

Man thats too fuckin long for me to read, but i did read the first couple of lines, and i agree.

Beautiful.

peace out.
sph3ric pyramid.

If you don't believe in magic, nothing magical will ever happen to you. If there is no God, how did existence begin? I'm not talking about evolution, or Darwinism, but existence. Open your fucking eyes, just when I was typing this, my bro turned on the TV, and this dumbshit jock is talking about there not being a God. Open your eyes. There are signs.

everything had to come from somewhere, if you question how existence began dont you ever wonder how god came about, you cant possibly believe that he has existed forever. Everything has a beginning, so where did god come from?
why isnt this topic in MY GOD CAN BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR GOD?

RIP you nigger, where you been all these years.


And Shut the fuck up moron. there is a god.. This shit isnt random.


Hi Loki Poki

WARNING WARNING BULLSHIT DETECTOR WARNING WARNING!!!!

Ok, first, about your alias, FUCK MCVEIGH! He deserved to die by stoning.

Onto your post....

It is plaigarized entirely from George Carlin.

Verbatim.

Brain Droppings. George Carlin. Hyperion, New York. 1997.

You should read the page after the title page. It might be of interest to you, especially.
Here are a few people who should be phased out, also from his book, p2-3

Guys who wink when they're kidding
Guys with creases in they're jeans.
Old people who tell me what the weather used to be where they live.
Guys who wink and give me the peace sign simultaneously.
People who give their house or car a name.
People who give their genitals a name.
Actors who drive racecars.
Athletes and Coaches who give more than a hundred percent.
Guys who flash me the thumbs-up sign. Especially if they're winking and making the peace sign with the other hand.

Not understanding something is not irresputible proof that God exists.

Thanks Phantom, I picked it up after the second paragraph. McVeigh, you are a dildo.

dildo: noun (dihl do) a fake dick.

god is a metaphor.

quote:

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Originally posted by Canyonero:

dildo: noun [b](dihl do) a fake dick.[/B]

---

I beg to differ. There's nothing fake about this guy, he's a real dick.

quote:

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Originally posted by Sivvy:
If you don't believe in magic, nothing magical will ever happen to you. If there is no God, how did existence begin?

---

LOL! It is a complete mystery! Now why jump conclusions?

God exists to comfort and guide the general population. That's why everyone who needs to believe in god, believes in god.
The people that don't have the reasons to believe in god, simply don't.

<rant type=offensive>
I consider those people superior to the general population.
</rant>

First off I have to say, you�re posted name, well it�s over rated, Timothy McVeigh, Do you even know whom this man is. Maybe some where in your thick skull, you think you are like him, probably work a lonely job at a minimum wage burger joint, and pissed off that you didn�t properly fill out your w-4 form and are getting taxed like a bitch. You especially chose the wrong time to post a name, of someone who decided to drop a building like a bad habit, in the great state of Oklahoma. As we are coming upon the memorial of the day those, Arab terrorist decided to drop two planes in the heart of New York City, next thing you know you will be posting as
Osama Bin laden. But we are totally far from the subject; you have made no plausible cause, for you not to believe in god, no hard evidence, nothing that would state that you don�t believe. Well nothing that your febrile mind could come up with, that where actually yours. I don�t know maybe you where abused as a child, or maybe your just tired of beating off alone, in your room alone at night. Or maybe you�re just an immature teenager with nothing better to do than slander things. You really know nothing about. My advice to you---- go out get a Life and, stop fucking with peoples emotions. People chose not to believe in god But those people don�t write there thought on a internet message board, Unlese they are deeply disturbed.

somehow the conversation about religion isn't as enlightening in spurious as it is in my god...

saying there is a god doesn't make it so, and saying that its the only possible explination is just being stupid. just because you don't know how things started does not mean a supernatural force did it. where did your god come from anyway, someone already pointed out that everything had to come from somewhere. or is god the only exception to that rule?

"This shit isnt random."
and if it was random, what would you expect? something similar to this? everything in this world is chance, so why wouldn't the very fundamental creation of this world be a product of chance? what special reason do you know that your not sharing with the rest of us? is there some gigantic picture in the sky that everyone is missing, or are you missing a few brain cells?


"There are signs."
cropcircles????

ive never seen any, next time you see your god (oh, silly me, you can't see him) tell him to pop by my house and show me some signs. i have nothing against the idea of a god, except for the fact that there isn't one. show me one and ill belive in it, but until then, the only smart thing to do is to not waste your time on imaginary supernatural entities.

lets think about this, lets say you spend 2 hours in a church each sunday hearing about a book, and then another two hours a week talking to your god. if you live to 50 thats 433 days youve wasted. and all youve got to show for it is .. well .... nothing. and all this wasted time is justified how? a few books and a vauge feeling. the book doesn't prove anything, its just a prop to your elaborate play that you have created for yourself to show that someone really does care about you, and the vauge feeling is something that must come from the slow realisation that your life is being wasted on your imaginary friend.

if the belief in god is so natural, why don't i belive in it?

No one ever said what you had to believe in. What you belive is your choise. You can take it Two ways chose to belive Or chose not to believe. One way or another you will never win. this is a never ending battle. because what one believes in, noone can ever change that, no matter what arguement you put up. so why sit here write about it and waste your time writing something, that will lose track in a couple of days. No matter what you say or what you do you can never change a persons mind freely.

quote:

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Originally posted by ChrisTPuncheR:
No one ever said what you had to believe in. What you belive is your choise. You can take it Two ways chose to belive Or chose not to believe. One way or another you will never win. this is a never ending battle. because what one believes in, noone can ever change that, no matter what arguement you put up. so why sit here write about it and waste your time writing something, that will lose track in a couple of days. No matter what you say or what you do you can never change a persons mind freely.

---

If another person cannot change your mind, you are no better than a cow in a field. Any intelligent person must be able to doubt anything, even themselves. Blind faith just makes you dumb.

There is not a person on this earth that can make me change my mind. I am as stuburn as they come. when i put my mind to something its set. so i guess you can say i am like a cow in the field cause there's no moving me.

Well, I have nothing to say to a human who admits his/her own primitiveness and does not try to change

quote:

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Originally posted by Global Dominator:
I beg to differ. There's nothing fake about this guy, he's a real dick.

---

i meant he is a dick, and a phony. we're both right.

once again, god is what you make of it.

shouldnt this be in my god can beat the shit out of your god? Why must you people argue so much, neither one of you can prove each other wrong, and none of you can prove yourselves right. This argument has been going on for melleniums, you think your going to solve it now arguing with 13 year old that listen to maralyn mansin when thier parents go get groceries? If you believe, great, if not, that is great too, starting shit like this just increases posts, it doesnt solve anything.

*Straps on flame retardent blankie and covers eyes.*

quote:

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Originally posted by RAOVQ:
[B]

"There are signs."
cropcircles????

ive never seen any, next time you see your god (oh, silly me, you can't see him) tell him to pop by my house and show me some signs. i have nothing against the idea of a god, except for the fact that there isn't one. show me one and ill belive in it, but until then, the only smart thing to do is to not waste your time on imaginary supernatural entities.
B]

---

Get off your lazy ass and use your head. You think God rewards people like you with the power of prophecy just by saying "okay God, show me you exist now." He gave you a mind, use the fucker dumbshit. Meet him in the middle for christs sake. I know there is a God, I've seen him but not visually.. It is personal and so explaining would be ridiculous.

Of course I've thought about the creation of God, confutatious. But we are just humans who uses our brains (small percentage of us anyway). Our brains were made by God. We cannot understand past a grain of sand on an entire beach of existence past God... so don't try.

What the fuck does God have to do with religion???? Don't use religion as leverage for your viewpoints you dumb atheists.

[quote]
Posted by Sivvy
What the fuck does God have to do with religion???? Don't use religion as leverage for your viewpoints you dumb atheists.
[quote]

You know, the average IQ of atheists is higher than the average IQ of religious people. You don't have to look at official polls, you just have to read the above post.

A closed minded Atheist is just as bad as a closed minded Christian. What I want to know is why people can't just respect eachother's beleifs. I would have no problem with christians if they didn't try to annoy me into going to church. I've had two families in the last month come to my house and try and talk me into going to church. WTF is that? If I wanted to be "Saved by Jesus" I would be at church every Sunday. Do they honestly think there are people who don't know about christianity?

You all debate as if there was any original content in that post.
Perhaps I'll quote some bible verse or koran and pass it off as my own.

Long, but witty. I like it!! Though Al Pacino can whoop Joe Pesci's ass anyday!!! "Say goodnight to the bad guys..."

quote:

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Originally posted by tr0g:
.


Hi Loki Poki

---

How are things on your side of the bath house, pecker puffer? Your goat and weasel still scabbing up your anus?

Umm what who what where why and what?


Bathhouse? those went out in the late 70s. How old are you again and who do you know about the gay sutro?

quote:

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Originally posted by Atheist Mantis:
You know, the average IQ of atheists is higher than the average IQ of religious people. You don't have to look at official polls, you just have to read the above post.[/B]

---

You think God can only be worshipped through religion? dumbfuck dumbfuck dumbfuck

religion is a crutch, and i'm not crippled

quote:

---

dumbfuck dumbfuck dumbfuck

---

re�li�gion Pronunciation Key (r-ljn)
n.
1. Belief in and reverence for a supernatural power or powers regarded as creator and governor of the universe.

which one is the dumbfuck here? not me

You can beleive without making a big deal about it. I don't think that there is a god, but I treat people decently and am not too big of an asshole so I'm covered if god does exist.

I'm glad someone was able to confirm my suspicion that the text in the topic was plagiarised. The sad thing is, the person who posted it almost certainly actually believes it's a compelling argument against religion, rather than a humorous piece satirising religious behaviour.

quote:

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God exists to comfort and guide the general population. That's why everyone who needs to believe in god, believes in god.
The people that don't have the reasons to believe in god, simply don't.

---

Atheist Mantis overlooks the section of the populace that needs to not believe in God, the section of the populace who are so determined to not believe in God that they have to affirm their atheism by coming up with cunning arguments with which to ridicule the concept of a God.

<rant type=offensive>
I generally consider these people to be as irritating and idiotic as the evangelists who will stop at nothing in their attempts to convert people.
</rant>

Those that have no need to believe in a God and no need to disbelieve in a God simply don't care.

quote:

---

Originally posetd by RAOVQ:
if the belief in god is so natural, why don't i belive in it?

---

If the belief in God, or gods isn't natural, why does it transcend time and culture; why does the majority of the worlds population believe in one or more?

God is real motha fucka

I guess you need to ask Mary about that.

Nox

quote:

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Originally posted by FuckOffandDie:
...irritating... ]

---

funny, that's what i was thinking about atheist mantis too. Speaking of him: Your entire post was a perfect example of your M.O., to over-logic everything you come in contact with. Arguing over what other people hold sacred. We both knew what i meant by religion, but, of course, you had to look like you're so clever and stick webster's poor dead dick in my face. I bet you annoy your parents because you think your so fucking smart.

stick to your own business atheists. It says something about one's personality if they have to destroy something they cannot understand about another person.

[This message has been edited by Sivvy (edited 09-10-2002).]

jeez, were you so angry you had to double post?

kay kids, the simple fact is that religon is a very personal thing. It's whatever conglomeration of beliefs and structures a person feels they need to acheive enlightenment in whatever form they desire. For them, god does exist, for you, it may not, but that really isn't the point.

your presumption to be able to prove ANY negative, especially one like this is preposterous. none of us have the intellectual capacity to singlehandedly nail down the true nature of god, and so far all I've seen is people bashing the biblical god, which speaks mostly to your hatred or distaste for a particular religon.

God is, for you, whatever it needs to be for you. But to deny it's very existence is absurd.

genius my friend, pure genius.....the bible is for those who aren't content with not having an explanation. Im quite happy to sit on the fence and say i dont know what happens post-death, and im unsure of how the earth was created rather than trying to find a quick answer in religion.

hey guys, loosen up! I'm atheist, but GOD DAMN! I don't try and press my belief's on other people. I don't even defend my belief's to people who question me, fuck, just live every day of your life like it's the last, cause chances are, if you have that kind of attitude, it is.

quote:

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Originally posted by Atheist Mantis:
jeez, were you so angry you had to double post?

---

i didn't, somebody fucked up or i didn't mean to anyway... so i'll just do a bit of editing.

people will belive what the choose to belive in, when that freedom of choice is violated then there are ramifications.

Is there a god, we will just have to find out when we die.

or not.

God is a non-answer. It takes something of unknown origin (the universe) and attributes it to a greater unknown that just happened to arbitrarily exist.

Okay, I have been reading these posts, and biting my cybertongue, just wondering the ages and life experiences of most on this post...

I am a little older probably than most, and am well versed in religion. I have read almost every religious text you could possible think of. I am in college to be a religious ethnographer- a Cultural Athropologist who studies people and their religion.

There is no God. Gods are Myths. They were created to give explanations to things which primative people could not understand (thunder, the sunrise, birth, etc, etc...). They lasted because most humans are culled to be little more than sheep, weak and needing someone to lead them, give them answers. They were perpetauted because the smarter, and often times more manipulative, humans saw an opportunity to exploit the weak. It has happened throughout human history.

I find it soooo sad that humans today, with all the revelations and discoveries and science and progression, still cling to the ridiculous ideas that religion presents to them. Whether it be all those silly Mormons in Utah, that follow a religion created by a shister criminal who needed to justify his pologymist urges, the Hollywood idiots that follow the cult of L Ron Hubbard, and the millions upon millions who follow a book that is nothing more than an amalgamamtion of religions, stories, and folklore manipulted by the Church to lull them into giving their life and money to a fictional fantasy, I find it all sad that people could be so foolishly duped.....

Do you knoww that there are still Judeo-Christians that believe the world is only several thousands years old,l beleiving that all the history presented by science is a myth, because it does coelesce with the Bible?

Open your eyes...You don't need a God. Know yourself. Know your family. Know your community. They are the ones you need faith in...

quote:

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Originally posted by RedBananaMonkey:

Do you know that there are still Judeo-Christians that believe the world is only several thousands years old?

---

YEC's, Young Earth Creationists. They take Genesis to be a literal creation account. God literally flayed Adam's chest open, removed a single rib, and made an entire person out of it. Since the appearance of dinosaurs, religious authorities had to make up shit quick so some are trying to pass off the idea that humans and Dinosaurs existed at the same time.

With that in mind, God makes animals at about 6:00 A.M., then man comes in around 8:30 and if he makes good time, he can get the dinosaurs in by noon in time for lunch.

The level of cognative dissonance amongst some would actually be funny if it wasn't for me once being a believer (albeit at a gullible age). Think for yourself. The preconcieved notion (religion) is the biggest killer of all time. When Gallileo went before the church, indicating how the Earth wasn;t the center of the universe and appeared to revolve around the sun, he got the scripture layed on him.

many people knew that the Earth was round, they just didn't want to get burned at the stake for heresy by ignorant religious zealots.

RedBananaMonkey, thank you for putting into words what I personaly beleive.

It has been said that the Christian rules and regulations were created in the Roman empire as a way to control their population. If you can print a few books and spread some bullshit you don't need as many police.

I think that part of the reason for all the violence and evil in our society is because people are losing faith. Without the instinctive fear of hell people do things that they wouldn't have with those instincts.

We are in a transition state where the god myth is being exposed for what it is, but people are still adapting the ability to do the right thing without a fear of not doing the right thing. Not to mention adjusting to the ability to decide for yourself what the right thing is rather than having others tell you what it is.

the univerese in all the ways that it acts is 'God'. It is the known and the unknown, it is what is and what could never be, it is what we know to be and what we neglect to accept. 'God' is not the deity of the higher self but the acceptance of all that is.

Everything is true, when you lie it is true that you lie, call it god if it is convinent, but it is just an analogy to help one understand ones self better, for there is no way to deny such a concept or need to help our pshyche stablilize.

we are given choice, it is the choice to belive or disbelive and it is that core of what makes us human that allows us to be ourselves.

quote:

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Originally posted by likuidsmoke:
It is the known and the unknown, it is what is and what could never be, it is what we know to be and what we neglect to accept.

---

You just stated a bunch of mutually exclusive things.