Love and Kissy Kiss,

Nox

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions
and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE. Definition:
a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic
embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee,
do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke
or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in
conjunction with ESCAPEE). Definition: When forcing poop, several
farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in
the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The
act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log
hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME. WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink,
to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with
all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: A group of coworkers who
band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The
Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A
seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not realize that
you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of
the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a
dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd
Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-
up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE. Definition: A
subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that
creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of
diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire. UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when
the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees. FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom
before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going into the bathroom.

i wasted too many years of my life huddled quietly in the last stall of public restrooms trying to be quiet and hoping no one would associate my shoes (seen under the stall) with the terrible odors that accompany most public shitting facilities.

then one afternoon, drunk as hell on g&t's, i sat there takin' a dump and thinking...

i came to the conclusion : fuck this, even madonna and george dubya can't have fresh-smelling bowels ALL of time. if you don't like my ass, carry a pack of matches.

I used to hate taking a shit at work - but now it doesnt bother me. I used to dread walking out of the cubicle to a work mate. And of course that happened - he couldnt stop laughing "ha ha you had a shit at work" and i said "yeah but my breath doesnt stink of it". It was very satisfying.

Peace Renegade,

Don;t be ashamed of your turds and stink. show some pride. In fact, when you are finished and leaving the bathroom, walk with your head up and shoulders back, be proud of what you left behind, and leave other to enjoy it.

quote:

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Originally posted by Renegade:
I used to hate taking a shit at work - but now it doesnt bother me. I used to dread walking out of the cubicle to a work mate. Peace Renegade,

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You know whats challenging to do at work. Try and see how far you can trickle a fart when going to the toiddy.

See how many people you get a response from knowing it was your brand of scent.

It sucks even more, at school, we dont have stall doors..

No stall doors? That could be a legal nightmare.

quote:

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Originally posted by razorlines:
It sucks even more, at school, we dont have stall doors..

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for the love of god, no stall doors!! what has the world come to?!?!

They apparently remove the stall doors in an attempt to reduce teen smoking of the cannabis plant...*lol* yeah, right, they just smoke and shoot up in the parking lot now.

peace out.
sph3ric pyramid.

It gets worse, they installed 23 new cameras, yes, 23, and there 2 at the entrance of each bathroom...

send me copies... i've got friends that'd pay good money.

I still smoke in the bathroom, only if im in dire need of nocotine!, other then that, i go to the parking lot, but there cracking down on us

Wow, this post speaks to me. I took a dump at work only 2 days ago... it was the first time in years.

I felt as if I just lost my virginity.

quote:

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Originally posted by razorlines:
It gets worse, they installed 23 new cameras, yes, 23, and there 2 at the entrance of each bathroom...

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Thats....illegal :-\

quote:

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Thats....illegal

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that the real bitch... it's (probably) not.

seeing as how all the schools in my district now have cameras everywhere

(kids in elementary (yes, elementary) school were caught breaking off a stall door. with a camera. meaning they have cameras pointed at (i would be surprised if they were pointed in the stalls) the stalls. (why can't they just fucking get better hinges?!))

[This message has been edited by CRaZyAmishMaN (edited 08-08-2002).]

Nobody really cares when you take a shit in a little blue plastic box; leaning to one side in the mud, hoping it doesn't fall over; heavy machinery running around outside; trying to keep your tools from falling in; reading your co-worker's claims of your homosexuality; 100 degrees; no paper...