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Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of
soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.
Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under
the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.
They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the
shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I
took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in
case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I
left today which my instructions from the management is to leave
3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid,

I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not
tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of
soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had
added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I
am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought
my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which
are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing
teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel
soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6
soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the
soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine
cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3
complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine
cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to
when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of
further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this
A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy
with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room.
I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give
it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and
5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave
the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30
or 6:00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.
You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he
could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid
you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today,
since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet
along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering
soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of
further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and
5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was
taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in
late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little
Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your
soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your
room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each
time they service a room. The situation will be rectified
immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came
in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54
little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do
you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath
size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had
them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all
your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24
Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to
receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere
Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3
daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel
issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory
which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest
soap inventory. As of today I possess...

On shelf under medicine cabinet ...
18 Camay, (4 stacks of 4) and (1 stack of 2)
On Kleenex dispenser ...
11 Camay, (2 stacks of 4) and (1 stack of 3).
On bedroom dresser ...
3 Cashmere Bouquet, (1 stack of 3)
4 Hotel-size Ivory, (1 stack of 4)
8 Camay, (2 stacks of 4)
Inside medicine cabinet ...
14 Camay, (3 stacks of 4) and (1 stack of 2)
In shower soap dish ...
6 Camay, (very moist)
On northeast corner of tub ...
1 Cashmere Bouquet, (slightly used)
On northwest corner of tub ...
6 Camays, (2 stacks of 3)

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure
the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her
that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest
that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an
excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have
purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in
the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

personally i dont you soap, i prefer to have that natural aura of B.O. about me.

Ivory? Camay? Dial? What are they? Use fucking Lava or Gojo soap!

That is the funniest stuff I have read in a very long time.

J.C.

i dont know why, but i think its funny too. but if i were ever a maid at a hotel and had a picky son-ofa-bitch like you leaving me notes like that id probably jizz on your pillow cases ir somehting. piss in your shoe, or wipe my ass with your tie, just where it sits in front of your face, so all day youd smell my shit, and not your bath sized dial soap.

im pretty confident that ill never be a motel maid though.

surely there was a waste basket in your room it was your complaints that got it all cocked up.
Still a very read

i think communicus was having some problems communicating.

AI always leave a $5 for my maid. Or else, she'll pull a George Costanza on my arse and tuck in my undersheets under the matress. I love how they smell of salsa and cheap perfume. They all have hearts of gold, though. Except Maria from the Pyscho ward that went through my toiletries container which happened to have my stash of cigarettes and matches.

When I went to complain they threatned to send me to the 'lockbox' Fuckin' Dr. Friedler.