I wish I was 28 or 29 or 30. Somewhere where I was just barely a real adult and I had all my memories of being a young adult behind me. So, I could just be able to look back on all the great things I'd done as a young adult and be able to just settle down and forget all that crazy stuff and it would all be okay.

Like those Friends kids. Those Friends kids who are always halfway between high school and adulthood and pull it off with such precision a ease! That show fucking HAUNTS me! Why can't I do that? Why can't I be so satisfied with just being a young adult working and doing my thing.

I feel like I'm being forced out of the door of young adulthood but the door to real adulthood is nowhere in sight and I'm just Lost and gropping my way among perversions and pavement and strobe lights and everyone is laughing at me and thinking everything is just fine and why aren't I joining the party.

I don't even know where I am?! How old am I supposed to be?! How old am I really? Without age and time ticking away on some man made clock face? Where the fuck AM I?

Cheers,
Lost

[This message has been edited by LostCause (edited 07-12-2001).]

Pure emotions.
Awesome.

Now let's meet because I'm a very romantic talker and we can drink beer and smoke pot in a county park then we can make sweet love in the back of your car, yes - sweet love with the chemicals flowing so fast that,we, or I, can forget about where we are, where we are going, and focus on nothing but the great, the best - the most soul filling climax in the entire universe.
Then, smoke a cigarette.
Talk some more.
Eat at Denny's.
Talk some more.
and we drive back to our cities.

I guess emotions can be savored, they do make you human after all, but they have to be tamed.

Do not let them dictate your behaviors, you'll be lost forever, look at liberals...laws based on emotion...

It's not about emotions. It's about space and time and fucking memories that I don't have and NEED to have, even though I don't even really want to CREATE them, so I can look back on my life and feel no remorse while moving on to the real adult life.

What seperates then and now and before. What is the prime element. Clocks ticking were created by a man. But, what is time besides the rising and the setting of suns and moons. What is it in ESSENCE?

Why can't I skip ahead and back at will, whenever I feel, like reading the last page of a novel before you read the first.

I just don't get it. I just want it to be over with and done with. And celebrated and forever embedding in my brain like a tomb stone of youth.

Already already. Now I'm getting way to melodramatic. I'm going to go take a nap while listening to depressing music.

Cheers,
Lost

I'm with you. I'd write more but I'm pissed and I need to go outside to smoke.

Life is to be lived, not to be looked back on. Savor the experience of making the memories you'll have at 28, 29, 30. If you won't do that, then I really feel sorry for you.

Ahhh. Dear sweet lost.

Lost, you ARE living those experiences. The bits you remember will be things like being lost and confused. Having a choice in where you want to go rather than being stuck in a dead end job. Or stuck looking after a family. Right now your drifting, floating about. Give it time.

You posted stuff about what you been up to in other posts. You're not wasting your time. What you're missing is a goal, something to strive towards... but... at this point in your life, you're supposed to take a few years to smell the roses and just live. You don't have to make the tough choices yet, but you can still make some choices. You can still try some things. Thats the stage you're at... enjoy it, and don't worry too much.

Also once you get to uni, things are a little different

Finally... don't compare your life to TV. It takes a whole TEAM of writers to make those things "fit just right". And even then you can often see how they gloss over stuff.

As to where you are, (thought I still think the question is more "when" you are) you're inside yourself... exploring. Just don't wonder too far from the ship, and if it all gets too confusing... take a step back, listen to some music, read a book, got for a walk.. or something. Many people have driven them selves mad trying to work out if we really exist or not. In the end, it doesn't really matter. Worth with what you've got and let God or Fate or Destiny take care of the rest.

i know where you are lost cause.

all as i wanna say is you only need to 'fit in' and feel right for your own identity.

not any one elses.

you will make the right choice for your self this way.

those feelings you entertain in your mind, arnt the be all and end all of so called existance,(memorys youth etc) acceptance and exploration come in many forms to the feeling you can have inside. messages to your brain to to resolve from conflick to harmony, for your wellbeing.

memorys come from exerienced lived'(im 27 like you describe and i feel your age-18, even, still exploring ,in awareness and exeriences'), and you are doing that,(still exploring) as long as you can perceive what is going on around through your 'own' eyes and not in the living up to expectations of others and image of them,(they look happy but what lies beyound this is better when you find it your self-trust me mate) you can attain more understanding of how..

you know your self living life to 'you 'really feels and feeling the experiences you like to identitfy with and relish.

i see a few factors influencing you latley, just from an observation, point of veiw.

i hope you dont mind me speaking my mind on this issue lost, you may have opened a can of worms by being nice to me,

to me loyalty and respect based on a mutial understanding is one of the 'real' connections you can make with a human being.

you seem down about your money cituation and friends or the way things were then, plus the feeling that every one else is so called 'living and exeriencing' and you feel either not up to scratch or perhaps maybe left out?

i may be wrong?.

it proberly will take one of those so called 'triggers' to set you back in extreme mode right?

or maybe a guy?

a girl?
sorry(my fantasy 's shouldent be in this-lol)

i reserve the right to always try and be an arse on your postings and to try and cheer you up mate.

im proberly wrong,(i am never wrong in bed-lol)

but i think you need to have a real conversation with some one, or either do some of the things you think will make you feel better, like spend some cash on your self, and or realise a few things, dont force them let them take form peacfully.

the 'experience' i can say from a healthy point of veiw, dosent have an equilibrium, it keeps attaining and influencing, the more you dont have behind you means the more you have yet to 'experience'(good!!)

and that is one of the strengths of life.
no need to turn your self into a spunge lost.

just to live, and experience MORE.

you dont loose any of your youthfull energy and mannerisms when you experience the ways of people and how the world functions(18-28). or miss out on any thing by going straight to there.(you now?)

you always have time to catch up and emerse your self in things you think you missed out on.

time is here for you lost.

let it happen to you babe. you'll be okay.

alright?

regards nihil.

** wipes tear from eye and sniffles **

regards was such a nice touch.

where's magician he should take some notes on shit like that.

You made him open up!
Awww!
I tried and tried,
kick ass.

Wow. nice.

All Spiffy could say is that he felt sorry for Lost...

*Yells from afar*

*Nice goin McBang!* *echo* *echo* *echo*

Lost, you're asking to be someplace I am now? And i often wish i could go back in a time machine to your Gen?

Anytime you want to switch for a day im cool with that. Because i love my life now because of my kids and wife. I wouldnt give them up but i want to visit my past. it was awsome because it was freeeeeeee. freeeeee of anything really responsible. Now i have no choice. When you are a teen you can just fuck shit off and go get stoned. When you are a parent you cant do that. You cant. Every day you wake up, weather you are sick, or just dont feel like being a parental unit you cant do shit about it. Sure you can hire a baby sitter for a day but its hard to trust people. You will go do something but feel hell of guilty (Or as we say in the bay "Hella")

nope. Be happy. your time will come and you will serve it.

lost mind, your the one of the only dudes thats nice to me too,(or just normal man)

i am not impractical, i have understanding, and can communicate this way.(just with out hang ups) you would be a great friend to any male or female. very clued on to your self lost mind, a value that will get stronger.

think i like calling people lambs, and standing over them,

i 'feel' bad from seeing this happen.
it is i that 'hurts 'from the lack of direction.

i can only ever hurt inside like this(i dont feel pain but the lack of feeling hurts me).

when we cant be practical and understanding and productive in our own lifes!!!!!.

and have to fall in the trap of selfishness.

i train and do alot of things the normal people do not take pleasure in.

its not to be better than any one.
i dont wont to call any one a lamb.

you want me to open up diluted.
i have been every since i arrived here.

sch bch, here you go , i am "SORRY"if i caused any discomfort and or time away from the normal sense of what you do and are here and or wasted any of your time, please feel free to be normal and act like nothing and any grudges from my side exist.

you won every thing, you are the man, okay. you are better than me etc etc, and more intelligent witty etc. you are cooler, and won. okay mate. good stuff. please feel better. same with matius

i dont want the image and recongnition of some bad ass dude, bigger and more violent and pissed.

i dont want to be populor, and have any one look up to me. and or any attension.

you all are the same creation as me(humans) i am the one wrong to take this form of behaviour with all of you,(i have encouraged it) and i think it is time that i let you all have what ever doubts and negativity of me exercised.

I HAVE NEVER LIED TO ANY OF YOU,

i swear on my nihilistic existance i never will.

i can prove it.

but i want you all to be yourselfs, and forget about me, i dont have any interests and or relativeness in the things you all function in....(my life is different and so is my existance)

i am nihil(nothing)

remember that okay.

i as a person dont even exist, so no image, no ego, and no attension is needed for me to motervate people to motervate them selfs in strength and awareness.(my reason for being here)

all this desire, i learnt , cripples and enslaves man/woman, and turned me into the selfish life less being, that the machine tryed to create of my mind at an early age.

i am free now.

i have my horde, my projects, my loyalty and respect. my self.

i am alone,

and need to be.

i want to formally apologise to all the bad negativity caused by me to any of the new bees, and or moderators.(even z3m!!)

please dont feel you need to forgive me and or act any different,

i am the one that looses in that cituation,

it is how i hurt.

its all i can ever feel.

thanks for reading. you all kick arse!!!

nihil.
--------------------------------------
lost cause, sorry if i turned the thread away from you for a second, but you have been one of the only people that i feel i wanted to express this around.

thanks friend.

nihil.

** wants to hug nihilistic if he was a woman; instead.... **

lets go sodomize some lambs;

you're starting to lose that farakhan element in your lingo.

i guess you can say youre halfway between the gutter and the stars....

*awaits beating*

All I said was the truth, Lokil. Same as nihilistic, same as magician, same as whoever. Maybe I should feel sorry for you instead.

I don't know what to say.

Thank you nihil. I'm incredibly drunk, so if I say something stupid please forgive me. I'm concentrating very hard on just typing.

I know what you mean. It was my excuse for never fitting in. That I am different and should be fine with that and learn to love myself the way I am wether I dit in or not because it's who I am and we're all different and great and the rest of the Seasame Street gang.

"those feelings you entertain in your mind, arnt the be all and end all of so called existance,(memorys youth etc) acceptance and exploration come in many forms to the feeling you can have inside. messages to your brain to to resolve from conflick to harmony, for your wellbeing."

That's what makes sense. I am entertaining thoughts in my mind to comfort myself through tumultous times. I'm holding on to nostalgia, because I'm a sucker for it, and it's my way of coping with reality. But, it's not REAL.

You said something that really meant something too me. I thought I'd point out. The way you said that it will feel even better when I become a real adult after I go threw all the young adult crap. And that made a lot of sense to me. I feel a lot better.

And I agree with you, loyalty is very important to me.

You apparently know me better than I would like to know myself.

I just need to let go. It will be alright. It's awkward now, but that's part of where I am and getting to where I'm going to be.

You made sense. I'm honoured.

God! I KNEW IT! I knew you weren't senseless.

Btw, don't give up the 'lamb' thing. I like it. I call everyone I don't like a lamb now. Very fresh.

I'll continue on more when I'm sober. But, I really have to pee now.

Cheers,
Lost

quote:

---

Originally posted by Spiffy McBang:
All I said was the truth, Lokil. Same as nihilistic, same as magician, same as whoever. Maybe I should feel sorry for you instead.

---

What a weak ass, liberal defense.

quote:

---

Originally posted by nihilistic:

memorys come from exerienced lived'(im 27 like you describe and i feel your age-18, even, still exploring ,in awareness and exeriences'), and you are doing that,(still exploring) as long as you can perceive what is going on around through your 'own' eyes and not in the living up to expectations of others and image of them,(they look happy but what lies beyound this is better when you find it your self-trust me mate) you can attain more understanding of how..

---

Lost Nihil in 100% right. From you rother recent post (the letter) I'd say you've been living up to your own expectations for a while... you just don't know what to expect from yourself at the moment.

quote:

---

to me loyalty and respect based on a mutial understanding is one of the 'real' connections you can make with a human being.

---

Here. Here. Both of you, Lost and Nihil have given some of that trust to people here. (By this an other posts). I just hope we can earn it. I know I don't deserve it. I can't speak for others. Nihil... mate, serriously, sorry about some of those posts. Lost... sigh. You were right about kisses here being fake, and therefore not really worthwhile. Its the support and trust thats important (as Nihil so aptly said). That said it hurts no end sitting here, listening to you and knowing there's this person out there somewhere. A real person. And I'm sitting here looking a glass screen, and pressing plastic buttons.

I don't want to be mellow dramatic here... it wouldn't do it justice. But... imagine a person on a hospital bed, about to die. There family is gathered around the bed. Ther person is in a coma. The family is talk. Now imagine you ARE that dying person. Only... your really standing on the other side of a one way glass. They can't see you. But you can see and hear everything they say. You want to talk, but can't. You want to reasure them but... you're not there, you're on the wrong side of the glass.

quote:

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i reserve the right to always try and be an arse on your postings and to try and cheer you up mate.

---

quote:

---

but i think you need to have a real conversation with some one, or either do some of the things you think will make you feel better, like spend some cash on your self, and or realise a few things, dont force them let them take form peacfully.

the 'experience' i can say from a healthy point of veiw, dosent have an equilibrium, it keeps attaining and influencing, the more you dont have behind you means the more you have yet to 'experience'(good!!)

---

100% agree.

Nihil, you're a legend. Can you stay like this ?

quote:

---

Originally posted by lostmind:
** wipes tear from eye and sniffles **

regards was such a nice touch.

where's magician he should take some notes on shit like that.

---

I don't follow. Or maybe I do.

Nihil's post was amazing.

Lost, I got my own problems too (bare with me a sec this isn't going where you think it is). My problem is I split my heart in two and have half away. And it wasn't returned. That left me not only with a gap that wouldn't heal, but also with a distrust. I won't say love unless I mean it. I have a friend (a girl in SA) who I wrote some of those long letters I mentioned else where to. She always wrote back with "Love ~~~" (~ = name). I wouldn't do that. We had whole discussion via (conventional) mail about it. Anyway, my point is:
1) I say what I mean
2) I'm scared to mean to much

If I felt comfortable doing what Nihil did there I would for you Lost. I envy Nihil that he can do it, and either deal with being hurt, or not care.

Some of your posts have been making me cry Lost. A few of them infact. Most of them, be they deep or silly, have made me want to put my arms around you and hold you. Remember I've never done that with any one in real life. I don't know how. The one girl who did it for me I'll remember as long as I live. (And I'm meeting her for lunch this week.. Yay !) anyway... what I'm saying lost is you're great. If I didn't have this darn wall around my heart (and I do, I even have a poem about it... some where) anyway... if I didn't have the wall I would. If I took down the wall... I'd probably fall a part. I have to one day just... let me avoid it a while longer. Nihil... maybe you can explain me better than I can. Mate... feel free.

Lost...

Nope. Sorry.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Spiffy McBang:
All I said was the truth, Lokil. Same as nihilistic, same as magician, same as whoever. Maybe I should feel sorry for you instead.

---

Spiffy... I'm tired so its probably just that talking. But... you're making me feel like some kind of measuring stick. I'm not up to it. It's your posts mostly that reasure me I'm doing ok with my life. I think we've got a lot in common, only you've got a few years on me. So... if you can still feel the way I do about some stuff (eg love, sex etc) then I can't be totally insane.

Other than that... I had that yard stick thing happen before. And its not because I'm a "nice guy" (I can't hold a decent conversation unless theres a purpose to it. Give me a goal and I'll deliver for you. Give me marching order and I'll march. Tell me to chill... and I'll fall over). The reason is pure stuborness and refusal to take no as an answer. I don't care who I'm talking. If a lecturer of my make a mistake, I'm the guy that calls out in the middle of the class. And I do that from not the back, but the very front row. If the lecturer isn't teaching right... I tell them after the lecture. And repeatedly with suggestions until they improve. There's not a lecturer in my departmnet who don't know my name. Nor a student for that matter. First year I was made a student rep (I say made becuase I was at home sick the day that happened). Near the end of Second semester I got stuff thrown at me by fellow students. And verbal abuse. And web abuse. And e-mail abuse. I was running a student club I started for the department at that time. I stopped being a rep... but at the end of second year the abuse was so bad I retired from my club as well... just to get out of the lime light. And third year I'm a rep again. The guy that replaced me did such a poor job... I couldn't let it stand, so I volenteers to take it on again.

Point: (Sorry... I was rambling again) What ever you guys think of me... there's a lot more to it.

More rambling.
And I'm not telling it because I can't share every thing. I just can't. Nihil was right when he commented ages ago about me being picked on in school. There was a bully who kept challenging me out to the oval to fight. What he doesn't know (I'm really not picking on you Nihil, you just gave me an opening) is that I went. 8 times I went. Out to the back oval, where is guy and all his mates were. Who went with me ? No one. Why did I go ? A stupid thing called honour. I said I'd be there, so I was. If the date didn't suit when the guy pulled me up in the corridor... I told him to take a rain check. And we did. And I was there. Oh... 4 Times he didn't show up, that annoyed me.

Point: What Nihil said about trust and honour. The trust be I spoke a lot about in the past (and above). The honour bit... that big on my list too. I swore an oath "On my honour to do my duty to my God and to the Queen of Australia". That was when I was in scouts. And I stand by that. It wasn't to the governer General or the priminister. It was to the Queen. Come Australian referendums... my vote is already bound. For life. In my scout group if someone gave there word on something... that was law. If there was debate on if someone was in out in a game... they person was taken a side and if they swore on there honour that they were in... that was the end of it.

I wasn't around in the 1950, or the middle ages for that matter, but yes I do have a grey patch behind my one ear. I have had since I was 13. Lost... enjoy life. Enjoy childhood (whats left of it (excuse the term I use it loosley)). I never really could cope with it. lol. That an understatement, I had to go to play therapy for years.

Spiffy, sorry... this stopped being a reply to your post about half an hour ago. But thanks for being there too You might not know it, but it is a comfort. (Now rant and rave about how all that other stuff I just spoke about may be me but isn't you and we're nothing alike at all as I said I got off topic.)

quote:

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Originally posted by LostCause:
I don't know what to say.

---

Its becoming an epidemic ! Sorry ppl... its 2am here and I'm still posting. I should probably stop soon.

quote:

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I know what you mean. It was my excuse for never fitting in. That I am different and should be fine with that and learn to love myself the way I am wether I dit in or not because it's who I am and we're all different and great and the rest of the Seasame Street gang.

---

Yeah... and then you wonder... what am I missing out on ? And you think "Well I could do something about that...", and after that "but I'm no good at it. I'll mess up. I'll embarace myself. And then I won't we able to try it again." And you sit there, on your bed crying. Or refusing to cry. You think of what you have done. Nothing. Then slowly things come to mind. You list them, then you laugh to yourself. A hallow laugh. The list is nothing. It means nothing. Eventually you sob yourself to sleep.

Or that could just be me. I am odd remember.

quote:

---

That's what makes sense. I am entertaining thoughts in my mind to comfort myself through tumultous times. I'm holding on to nostalgia, because I'm a sucker for it, and it's my way of coping with reality. But, it's not REAL.

---

What I said in the paragraph above. Don't get lost in the past lost. Its hard. I spent years being homesick after I left South Africa. I still miss my treehouses and secret paths through the forest at the end of my street. When I was in SA 2 years ago, I went back to visit it. I spent about an hour just walking there. By myself. The place I remembered no longer existed. The stream was there, sure. The tree were too. And the cliffs. And even the log across the stream. I crawled under a tree near that log and cried. What I had wasn't what I'd been dreaming about. What I'd been dreaming about probably never existed in the first place. The same with the girl I fell in love with. I doubt she really existed. I mean there is a girl, I know her name etc. I knew her so well I could tell what she'd do before she knew her self. I was right most of the time. But my idea of her was still made up. Our idea of people always is. We shape them into what we want or need. Friendships break when they no longer fit that mold. So too with memories. Have them, write them down... read them, share them... then move on.

quote:

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You apparently know me better than I would like to know myself.

---

Magician gives a hollow laugh. Yeah... yeah. The person that can hold a mirror to their soul and not be incinerated is either blessed with t a very simple life... or a saint. No... scrap that last one. There's always people even a saintly person can't help.

quote:

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I just need to let go. It will be alright. It's awkward now, but that's part of where I am and getting to where I'm going to be.

You made sense. I'm honoured.

---

Nihil, me too mate. Thanks. (I mean that 100%). I think I must have soem in common with you too. lol. My full name (if you check my e-mail address) is magician_noone. On IRC its just noone.

I better who posted what while I been posting lol. If no one posted more... night ppl.

Hey, Nihil.

"i reserve the right to always try and be an arse on your postings and to try and cheer you up mate."

Thanks, I need somebody to be an arse to me sometimes. Being bitched at helps me ignore my self pity. Hehehehe.

That's too bad about the girl, Magician. I know how it feels, but I'm usually at the clean end of the stick. I have fallen in love (NOT using the term lightly) and have left many hearts trailed behind me in my brazen path of youth.

Within the last three years I've been proposed to 4 times. I'm not wearing a ring right now, so that should give you an idea.

It's tough missing old loves. It's nice that you're seeing her today, too. :-) I wish I could see some of them, too. But, it might be too difficult for me. Like I said I'm a sucker for nostalgia and I don't like tempting fate.

Cheers,
Lost

quote:

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Originally posted by Lokil:
look at liberals...laws based on emotion...[/B]

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So I guess attempting to ban abortions and executing criminals has nothing to do with emotion> Dude, conservatives base their politics on personal sentiment much more than any liberal.

And Lost, everyone feels lost at one point on their life. Maybe more, depends on the circumstance... It's happened to me on so many occasions I've lost count. Let me just say look forward to being found.

When you're in your late 20's or so, it must be a great feeling to be able to look down victoriously at these crumbled years and point and laugh. It must be an excellent feelign knowing you've defeated that annoying force or possibly existing higher power that likes to taunt and bitch slap you off any stable ground you may find.

Sorry about that, I absolutely suck at making metaphors. I've made worse ones though, so bear with me people.

So, in conclusion, just give it awhile... let time put you in your place, and you'll be able to laugh at these years just nothing more than an annoying memory.

magician, nihilistic was being honest. You were being honest. I was being honest. That's all. I don't expect anything out of anyone, save sincerity. In my eyes, that's all anyone can rightfully expect out of anyone else. All other standards are self-imposed.