Hi,

I'm in one of those moods. You know the kind of moods you get in when you're not exactly depressed and you're not exactly nostalgic, but it's something in between those ones? Well, that kind of what I'm in. It's the kind of mood that makes me hate a lot of things. The thing is, I hate a lot of things sometimes, but I almost don't hate anything all the time. I think I'm pretty good at seeing the good in bad. But, I am 3,000 miles away from EVERYTHING (excuse the All Caps). Literally. All the streets I used to walk, all the shops, and Golden Gate Park. I really miss Golden Gate Park. I even miss riding MUNI. Never thought I'd see THAT day. But, I do. But, what I miss most of all is my friends. Because, I didn't have the kind of friends that like you for your money, or your popularity, or your looks. They didn't stab each other in the back and they were always there for you when you needed them or a place to crash. I mean, serious friends that I'd known since childhood and I just turned my back on them and ran 3,000 miles away from the only people I know who would literally die for me.

I know the kind of friends that most people have. They have the kind of friends that they do drugs and get drunk with them and go cruising around the city all night long talking about sex and drugs and all other things superficial, and even things that aren't superficial but on a strictly superficial level. They think they're all really fucking cool so they make fun of each other relentlessly to prove to the group just how cool they really are. But, my friends weren't like that. They are genuine, intelligent, funny people.

I don't know. I'm really just blathering. But, you know how when you can't get something off your mind and everything reminds you of that something you're thinking of, so you rearrange things, so that it won't remind you of it. But, once everything is rearranged and you sit down and look at it, it still reminds you of it because you know why it's rearranged. Know what I mean? Well, I've been neurotically cleaning my apartment, over and over again ever since we got here. I'm not a neat freak or anything, but every day I have the urge to rearrange all the furniture, which makes me ultimately want to clean. Finally my pop is telling me I'm doing it to avoid dealing with my thoughts. I hate it when he's right. Around here they call him The Lord, and they don't just call him that for no reason at all.

So, everyone keeps telling me that good friends make for good memories and that friends come in and out of your life. They tell me I'll make new friends as good as the last and sooner or later we'll part and make new friends, etc... etc... But, I don't even want to make new friends, because I know it's when you make the new friends that you stop talking to the old ones! And there is this girl: "my-best-friend-in-a-bag" conveniently packaged for me. He's my pops best friends niece and she just moved from Providence Rhode Island. Apparently she has a million contacts and has VIP passed to all the clubs. I've seen her a few times and she's pretty groovy. She keeps inviting me to come with her, but I can't seem to be able to pick up the phone and call her.

It's so annoying! I just wish I could be in two places at once: West Palm Beach and San Francisco. I know it's impossible. I hear that modern science is working on teleportation, though. Which would be convenient. Alter the way we look at travel. But, who cares, because when the aliens land teleporting will look as ancient as the wheel. Why the Hell do they have an "h" in wheel anyways? Why isn't it just weel? Weel isn't a word. At least not in English? Why the Hell did they have to add in an "h". O God, I'm rambling. I'm going to stop now.

Cheers,
Lost

[This message has been edited by LostCause (edited 06-21-2001).]

im sorry, lostcause, im afraid i cant relate to your condition. i recently felt nostalgic and depressed, but i didnt hate everything, i just loved everything and missed everything that i no longer had. im having trouble understanding your feelings.

sorry this wasnt very helpful.

that is what drugs are for

------------------
you should learn to listen to the rantings of the crazy

It's a strange feeling, starting off a post when you dont really know what you're going to say. I guess i'll start with the friends thing, i know exactly what you mean about having the right friends, and its not like you dont know what you have until its gone, its when you have something and you knwo exactly what you've got but inevitably it gets taken from you. Friends that will be there for you are so special it changes your life on so many levels not just a 'having a friend there basis' it changes the way you see things, the way you think about things and the way you actually do things...
When you move away from this so suddenly you feel alien.
You, of course, make friends and try to make the best of it and sometimes you even take part in the superficial discussions about peoples hair, until you realise what you used to have and get nostalgic, then you think youre selfish for wanting it back and that makes you depressed, then youre stuck somewhere between nostalgic and depressed and you get all bitter about it.
Some kinds of people you can't find again no matter where you go..........

i forgot where i was going i may edit this later

sorry

I hung out with my friends around here tonight. Didn't give me a chance to talk to my online friends. Some nights, I talk to my friends from wherever on here, but I don't get to hang out with my friends in the area. It's hard sometimes, but I'd be worse off if I only had the friends from far away or the friends from here.

any more? of the parallel's and meaningless similarities that one normal person thinks can relate to lost,

things are not that generic, and this is where the journey spins.

its a quality you seek, i think, a quality of well being.

do not judge what your feeling becasue of your surroundings, and how much false people act when they are in your view.

the senses can deceive.

you have that ability to recongnise what characteristics make you complete as a person, and what sort of atmospheres your personality wants to allocate its time too in spending it with other people(friends?).

others instances away from the norm will build this(strength), it is a character building aspect, you have to have the quality to share and act in this way where ever and around with ever you are with,

or you are only part of what you feel and not whole.

just stay extreme woman, and you willl understand what i said and meant.

regards.

nihil.

Thanks everybody! *muah*

Somebody told me today something that made me feel a lot better. They told me that even though the relationship has changed the love is still the same.

*staying extreme*

Cheers,
Lost

[This message has been edited by LostCause (edited 06-21-2001).]