After I've just recently posted in a few threads about this I've come to the realization that I really am numb.

I feel like I've seen everything but have done nothing. My generation has no war, no cause, nothing to fight for. Nothing but chittery lap top key boards and Starbucks mochaccinos.

I've seen fire, flood, famine, people blown apart, shot, maimed, stabbed, strangled, shit on, pissed on, vomit for sport, die of AIDs (wasn't there for the actually death), tied to a fence, whipped, and raped and this is excluding the internet!

By the time I was twelve I was carrying a gun. I don't even know if I even knew what that meant at the time. By the time I was thirteen nearly all my friends were dead or pregnant. Destruction seems to be everywhere and there is no place to focus the hatred!

And then there was this one time, years ago, when I was fourteen and I remember driving up to GuernVille with my family because we stayed at one of my uncles funeral homes up there for the summers, because it was a cabin kind of place. And on the way there we saw these three kids on the side of the road, next to this field and they were screaming like Hell. Two of them were holding up the other kid who was bleeding severely from the head, as if he'd been bashed in the head or something. The other two were soaked in blood and a few yards away from them was another kid, freaking out.

They were screaming at everyone driving by and there were plenty of people on the road.

They kept yelling for someone to help them and I looked at my mum, who was driving and she didn't do anything! She appeared to be paralyzed with fear. I said that shouldn't we do something and my mum told me that somebody else would help them and that the police would be along soon.

What the Hell? Of all the crazy and creepy things I have seen and done, that one really stands out in my mind.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about that incident and remember my mum, trying not to look, and telling me somebody else would help.

Is that world I was born in to? Somebody else will do it. It's somebody elses problem. Let somebody else worry about it?

What the Hell? I wish I'd gotten out of the car, at that moment, and helped those kids. They were terrified and who knows what had happened to them. There was no car crash in sight. They looked like they'd been through Hell and we didn't even stop. No one did. No one even cared!

Every day I think about that and I wonder what happened to them, if they're okay now, and if they died it might've been my fault because I could've helped them.

I guess that's the day I realized what it was to own a gun and what it was to be truly cold.

It scares me to think that that is the mentality of my country when we have a bozo who can barely pronounce his own name in office. May be we'll just all die. May be the economy with colapse and we'll kill each other with biological weapons and everyone across the world will say to themselves

"It's somebody elses problem. Somebody else will fix it."

Cheers,
Lost

i think there is a famous poem about everybody wating for someone else to do it well anyways that sucks

Lost,
This is a good post, alot of times you write things that are quite touching and so, even if it is an indifferent eye with which you see and then relate the things you've witnessed(not the litany in the beginning of this post, but in things you've written in the past), it is a good eye.
No where in your post is there any indication that you wish things were different, so this may be completely unsolicited, but if you know the people around here, as you said, then you know me. But! I will be short and sweet, and nice and weird, but mostly short.
The lost in your names of choice aside, again
I know you didn't ask for advice and I am not trying to ram anything down your .....
So I think maybe as a courtesy to and out of some, (self)-respect for that part of you that thinks about those kids so often maybe you could change your screenname someday to something not as capitulatory to nothingness.
If the whole nothing is something etc. train of thought is something you adhere to dearly, then I guess this is wasted space, but it does seem that there is care(and apparently a boyfriend interested in such things) in you, then simply tell yourself that henceforth, when a situation presents itself and in doing so puts upon you to either care or not, just do. Or every other time. It's a good thing.
I'd like to say it comes naturally to me, more truthfully, it is probably more my nature to try and offset that which I feel is
uncaring and selfish about myself with palpatable good deeds, as it were.
It probably helps me sleep at night, not that I always do, but thats a concept thing.
Anyway thats all, except for the bs that happened today, that I may post some other time. It would seem that the majority of readers here have finally tired so of my epics, that perhaps todays good deed will be sparing them all of it.

Take Care, I probably dont need it.

ps-all the various facets of a persons personality/soul/whatever seek validation in varying degrees. If they don't get it alot of weird behavior can ensue looking for it somewhere/anywhere...to initially look to oneself is , to me at least, pretty novel and definitely a good sign that there is a wealth of something good and caring that you may be trying to tap.

So now either you owe me a nickel, or I will just shutta upa my face. Which is also a good thing.

Cheers, cause you do

------------------
=/\___/\=
~<o"o>~
>>(xYx)<<

The notebook keyboard I'm using is *silent*.

quote:

---

Originally posted by LostCause:
I've seen fire, flood, famine, people blown apart, shot, maimed, stabbed, strangled, shit on, pissed on, vomit for sport, die of AIDs (wasn't there for the actually death), tied to a fence, whipped, and raped and this is excluding the internet!

---

quote:

---

Yea, in fact, I'm desensitized it's not even funny. Aside from the internet, I've seen people maimed, murdered, stabbed, shot, strangled, shit on, pissed on, vomit for sport, whipped, orgies, and tied to a post in a pigs mask.
I have a grandmother who lives in a weird suburbs and one day I went for a walk with a cousin and we saw this kid tied up to a fence with a pigs mask on...

---

Lost, exactly where in hell do you live? I think you have to take into consideration that where ever it is that you do infact live... it's pretty bad. As innocent as my world must be, I've never seen such things, I mean not evev close... I've never seen anyone die... let alone a dead body. The world you seem to live in is a lot worse than everyone elses it seems. Sorry. Or I suppose you may have suspected so... but not all the world is like that, we should hope, their are still places where people would have stopped, where everyone that could have stopped, would have stopped. Their are places where people care. Maybe not as many places as their are places like from whence you came... but maybe theirs still hope... somewhere. But I think that the famous "The End" comes right after our chapter in the book.




------------------
I have become death,
shatterer of worlds.

I find that most people who are innnocent victims are hardly innocent. Those people at some point in time probably did something deserving of their fate,(maybe not as extreme as you explained, but eserving of something.) the little kids that you said you saw were truly innocents it would seem, and they probably didnt deserve what befell them, but thats life. The world sucks, people die, it happens. While it is sad that the common consencus(sp?)is that someone else will get it, it cant be helped, thats what the world has turned into, mostly as of recently. The problem is that the people have no banner to get behind, no cause. Our president is a moron, everyone seems to have a hidden agenda. Everyone is afraid to follow or support someone becasuse they dont want to be lied to.
Our country has an unsaid out of sight out of mind feeling. People dont care what happens because it doesnt affect them directly. The depletion of the rainforest, the polution in the air, famine in africa, cival wars in the middle east, since its not in front of peoples faces they ignore it. Its sad but true.

------------------
Sinner...
Jesus watches you masterbate

Where do I live?

I started to write about the actual stories where I saw all these, but I didn't want anyone to think I was bitching so I erased them. Besides, I'm saving it for the book.

Well... I hope this explains a little bit of where I've seen all this:

Under bridges
Whore houses
S and M clubs
Caves
Back seats
Suburban house wives...
Nut houses
Hospitals
Morgues
Crematories
Funeral Homes
School
Gangs
Juvy
etc...

Cheers,
Lost

[This message has been edited by LostCause (edited 06-16-2001).]

You should watch the movie "Targets" before you get any ideas about helping people with head wounds.

time has come lost, the time has come for you to identity the positives and negatives in your existance.

you have an energy, and an expression unique to you you feel must have its life, but you are directing it to the wrong out lets to fill some sort of satifaction and or void where you cannot attain the result your 'what i call' carnal instinctive drive is'.

living through their world you are going to be contained in their weakness, you must break away from the social conditing, and realize what your true compassion is, its not to help those that cannot help them selves, or to try and fit into other ppl's expectations, it is all about YOU, your self and your feelings.

you should be numb, from the way consensus reality defines your happiness, thoughts, imbeds materialism into you, and makes you conform to what is accepted for society.(question?)

it is your self crying out that you are better than this, THIS IS THE TIME TO STEP UP WOMAN, i aint fucken around, forget all this dwelling and self judgement, its the sign to now act.

find the things that matter to you in,life and go from their, it is how any one can start to attain the strength for the self,

live in harmony and sustainability of the self, and your well being comes from these core principles.

weighing up the insecurities of the weak is not your burden, you have to have your self looked after before you worry about the slaves and dying humanity from their choices.

i cannot be spacific becasue you and i have only scratched the surface, i also wish i had more time, i am trying to do what i can here at toste, but i do care about individuals, you and i have gotten off to the right start and i at heart think of you as extreme, a person, joking about her period, very liberated like some one else i know, and not the sort of person that should suffer from repression.

------------------------
totally nihilistic

some times i wish i was winki's pussy.

(cat)


-------------------------
totally nihilistic

I'm sorry. But, why the Hell does everyone hate Nihil? He kicks so much ass.

Cheers,
Lost

MY GOD IS EVERYONE SO SCREWED UP IN THIS WORLD , ANYBODY NORMAL OUT THERE WITH A NORMAL CHILDHOOD I AM STARTING TO WONDER IF THIS IS NOT JUST FICTION , I DONT THINK I BELIEVE ANY OF THIS

Coming from a guy who writes in All Caps and calls himself the X Files Addict, somehow it doesn't really matter to me if you believe it or not.

And letting you know, there are very few people on the planet that have walked the tight rope called the norm, let alone had "normal" childhoods.

If you did, I can't decide whether to be happy for you or feel sorry for in.

Either way, I'm still pissed off about Witch so now I'm pissed at you, too.

Don't take it personal. Just back the fuck off.

Cheers,
Lost

Your gettin me all wrong , nobody has had a brady bunch childhood , but for fuck sake , this is too much to be true , where did you grow up fucking nazi germany , true there are bad parents ,shitty parents , crappy neighbourhoods , but you gotta put the fucking past behind you and move on with your life , biology is not destiny , you can make things different man

Lost, I've been around his type enough to know he's got nothing worth my while to offer. Read: Not creative.

Obession is usually on something you have that you don't want. LAMBS!!@ BWAHAhaHaHAHA.

But it doesn't really matter. No one cares enough to...

Something or other.

Here! *hands you a new li-ion battery*

I can see this is a long time you are spending on this end of the bell curve, Z3m. It will end, but I guess it doesn't help to try and offer comforting words to types such as ourselves.

I just bought a li-ion battery and it has 5 hours of stand by time instead of three with the standard battery.

Today I bought one for my camcorder that lasts for up to 10 hours recording time. MiniDV rocks my cock.

Holy shit.

And here I was thinking seeing somebody get their nose bitten off in a tavern was bad...

I don't think I've ever seen that. But, when I was a kid, my pop once cut off a guys nose with a pen knife because he attacked my mum and him. They thought my pop was gay and were nazis or something. Now everyone calls him Zorro, because it made a Z pattern in his face. It was pretty funny, but he had to spend the night in jail, which wasn't so funny.

Cheers,
Lost

xfilesaddict,


the truth is out there...


go find it.