often times i wish i was back in the hospital taking chemotherapy drugs and throwing up at least 12 times a day.

people there seem more human (so to speak) there than in the "real world." kinda like people do here. our manifestations on the internet are like those two drama masks; tragedy and comedy. they are so animated, either one extreme or the other. and that is what makes it beautiful.

same thing in the hospital. a constant struggle for survival. living is the main point. the slice of pecan pie in the afternoon (though it tastes like shit) is your God given reward that lets you know that you have survived yet another day and that you may rest peacefully. in the really real world, people don't LIVE. they work as mindless ants fulfilling their task for the queen. i'd rather be on the brink of my own destruction and know that i am truly alive, than to spend my days as a mindless statistic. i want to live again.


thats nostalgia for you.

Life has each main stage approximately each 7 years.
first 7 years are childhood and after that you become aware of life.
14 years is the start of adolescence and so on and so on...
Only a few months ago i always was looking forward to something extra in my life, i get to go ot the snow soon, i get to do this i can buy that. Only recently i reaslised that you have to take life for what it is and make decisions to do exactly what you want and stop letting social standards adn other things dictate what you do. If your life is so shitty you should find sumfin you enjoy and do it...while keeping your responsibilities. Not everything can be al good in your life, if it was you would get bored and think your life was as shit as before, its human nature to destroy yourself.


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r3M|_4[]D|\|4yR

*begins to cry*

hmm were should i start???
ok...MY LIFE SUX
my dad left my mum i lived in holland at the time.
my grandparents wanted to keep me in holland, and started a law progress, in that time i lived in a home (sorry i cant remember the exact name for it) i was 5. i lived there 1 year...i lived with another family, which wasnt as good as i think it was for i have nightmares sometimes, short but not to cool.
i stand in the hall (a small 5 year old) infront if the stairs that go down..i see myself and as i see myself i feel myself going down the stairs like yooming out..the stairs dont stop...
my mum won and took me to spain.
in spain i went to a normal school and i was lonely cus i didnt know spanish the first few months, i was picked on by other children all the time and sometimes they would beat the shit out of me..leave me crying on the ground...i was 6-8 in that time.
ofcourse i learned spanish and i started beating them back.
still i got picked on, and shit.
i had epileptic attacks since i was 6 too, i dont know exactly why, but i red that u get that cus of ur mum might have taken drugs while bein pregnand, my mum was a drug addict-i realised wen i was about 12 or so.
wen i was 7 i allready knew how to take care of myself cus my mum would go out a lot and leave me alone for sometimes 3 days before she would return, i had to take care for her, she is a diabetic and she fell in come some times, i was really scared back then, i didnt go to school to often neither.
i sleept over at friends a lot, i didnt like my home.
my mum had a lot of... pimps too that was the part that sucked the most, there was only 1 person i really liked becouse he did care about me.
time passes like that, my mum goin out and coming home fucked up, i didnt go to school so often but my notes were okay.
wen i was 11 she...came up with this guy...i hate him the most....
hmm, he made it all worse...
he stole my mums money, took her out and brought her back home really sick...he wasnt shy in giving me a slap or 2...actually he did often slap me...and yell at me, call me names...i sometimes have a nightmare/flashback of me wen i was 11 (i see myself again) in the corner of the room, crying and begging god that he has to stop that man from coming into my room and beating the shit out of me again...it never worked, god never did nothing i stopped believing in god after that.
he deals with drugs...
one night we tried to have a normal family dinner...what started okay turned out shit
i think my mum had done something wrong..(she was very skinny at that time and had diabetic attacks a lot) he threw the table on its side all the food everything on it was just ruined, my mum had spend like hours in the kitchen for that, just becouse he said: i want a normal family dinner.
he started throwing things and yelling at my mother calling her names and cursing, i couldnt let this go on like that and screamed back...thats wen he pushed me against the wall and slaped me and then punched me in my stomache..i was banned to my room and i just heared them scream..and..him..raping my mother..
i think thats allready at the age of 12 my epileptic attacks stopped.
my mum was in prison cus of that ass, he faked some cards or something...
after about 2 years we moved away from there into another hell.
it was as far away from the city and possible friends for me as the other house, i still didnt have friends.
the only good thing was that my mother couldnt go out neither, and couldnt take drugs.
i was about 15 then.
she looked terrible she looked really old, she was a cool mom, she liked techno and trance music and stuff but that changed..
i was very very lonely in that period of my life.
i lived in the basement and i didnt go to school anymore, i was in that dark basement the whole time, i just listened to music (basicaly koRn)and i started to smoke and i got my first piercings (lip and tounge) i had it done wen i went out to the city..i just went in and had them done i didnt care what they would say at home.
i lived in my basement and at night i would go up to the roof and watch the stars and thinking around, i was really lonely, they took my dog away, i still had my cat, okay, but i missed my dog...AN ANIMAL WAS MY BEST FRIEND!!! he took her away...
ehm..in that summer i had a friend. and i had a tattoo done and another piercing (above my nose) and i went out a lot...i had problems at home too but they dimmed a bit..after the summer we moved into the city..problems seemed to be gone..i went to school again, i was lonely at school cus i was aparently a FREAK and NOT NORMAL cus i wasnt that happy as everyone else i dressed black alot and i did crazy stuff..i found a friend, shes kinda like me..only in another way...shes never as happy cus she lives in pain cus of her alergy..her skin hurts sometimes..so thats my best friend.
oh well.
at home problems calmed, but the last 3 weeks there coming up again and i feel a bit scared...
a weird thing happened about 2 weeks ago...i sat in the living room behinfd the pc chatting to my bf and a friend and suddenly the door was slammed and my mum and that ass started zyelling at eachtother and wen he came down really fast i just went num, i couldnt do anything my eyes were on him watching his every move i started shivering and the only thing i got on the screen was: im scared, im scared.
as he went upstairs again i broke up in tears...i dont know why.
so im 16 now, i have my first real stabile relation with a guy, whom i thank for he listens to me.
i have some friends.
i am an exsessive smoker, i will probably die cus of lounge kancer, but i dont care.
i tried to kill myself twice in my life.
i got fired a week ago, but i dont mind. i can get another job easely i know 5 languages.
i got another tattoo and my nopple pierced.
and i am goin to have the best summer this year im leaving on monday to germany with my bf for 6 weeks....i think i am a bit happy now, i think it can only get better, i guess i will leave this place wen im 17 or 18.
i dropped the last month of school but im goin after summer again.
i dont care what people think of me, i just do what i like, i dont that ass lay a hand on me, i will go to the police.
i got a shadow over me, i will not forget anything that happened to me, i didnt write evrytthing but i think you can make that my childhood (that didnt even really end yet) is fucked up.
i guess i will never be something.
and talking about this will always make me cry.
i am 16 and i can say that i expirienced how hard life can be.

sshit i just realised as i red that i made a lot of spelling mistakes.
see that yoomed.? it should be zoomed.
my mum fell into a come and not come..and so on. sorry.

Sounds like you grew up sorta hard.
I hope you relise that about two thirds of the entire world population grow up in those kind of environments.
Lots are worse.
At least you seem to have a somewhat sort of individuality moulded into you, my guess from the weeks and months of living in your basement.

Anyways i hope life gets better for you, oh and if you go somewhere holland is a pretty nice country. Especially Amsterdam.

FUUUUUUCK its comA not come shitty brain...
anf its nipple not nopple
...u can make UP that my childhood......
and so on., im so imbarased..

well im half dutch i visit holland.
i like amsterdam, its cool.

i know a lot of people grow up like this, i think....hmm i think its sad that the re are actually a lot of people growing up like this, its horrible.
i was in that basement about 9 months or so.

#i have a lil sister too, shes 4, she gets..totaly spoild...by that ass, cus its his dougther.
he gives shit about me, if its up to him i would just rott away in 1 minit infront of his eyes, that yell hate at me wenever he looks at me...foe whatever reason.
shit i could go on writing like this forever...
but im gonna stop now.

i have a question about my last post.
do you personaly think i have a right to hate my little spoild sister?

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i had to take care of her, from the moment she was 1 year old, i DID NOT go to school often neither. i always had lame excuses for school, no one knew about my home status.

she is spoild, and she gets anything, and she knows that.

i have to beg for monex to buy myself close.
oh shes got a rather strange cold? OF TO THE DOCTOR!!!
i cough till i spit blood? it will go over.
goin to the doctor is kinda cool for me, i didnt go that often, ok, only wen i had an epileptick attack, i would be in the hospital about 3-7 days, i was more than ten times.
i think that goin to the doctor is kinda...exciting.
ur stomache hurst and mister doc finds out what it is...he will touch ur stomache and ask u if it hurts and if u say yes he says ahuh and turns around and goes to the desk and will starts writing in this writting no one seems to understand. i have spend looking at a it for 5 minits...its nuts i tell ya.
well u go and sit on the chair on the other side of the desk, he starts explaining what u have and what his subscribing and u have to take it so often blablabla
i dont know how u feel about it, me that never did go to the doctor too often thinks its exciting.

�h well.
i cant go to the doctor now cus i dont have insurance, i cant be on the "card" of that ass cus their not married and im not a kid of his and my mum cant have a "card" becouse she doesnt work.

her eyes are goin worse cus of her diabetis, sometimes she flips it cus she cant see normaly, i sayd she should go get glasses, but she hasnt got any money, and that ass wont give her.

i am for real pretty concerned about my mother.

i am a sentimental wreck, i never showed my tears to no one, i still dont, its all cropped up inside and sometimes comes out wen im alone cus i drop a plate or something.
i was kinda really sentimental once(for about 3 days) and i was crying really loudly and horribly on my bed, my mum came in and started carishing my head and just huggin me, that mad eme cry more cus that was the first time ssince i was 11 that she did that.

sorry i am writing to much.

oh no no no! Freakangel, there's nos uch thing as writing too much! Really, unless of course chatting means a great deal to you as well, no I take that back, there is such thing as writing too much and there's also such thing as giving a shit re. aforementioned blah blah blah...meow meow meow, sick and the snot dries up and suffocates them. So, meow meow, now get a hot cloth and clean their faces. Things are fine. What's the saying about a torch...oh yes, carrying one for you. Hello Hello

hey angel.. it IS me.. just a PS to say have a nice 6 weeks..

i really hope everything goes cool with you an sazu..

and just to let you know if you want, i'll always be on IM if you need to talk if things r shit for you (and other times 2 )