I'm there right now. I am at a fork in the road in terms of life. You take the red or the blue pill and you live and you learn. How did you get to this point? How did your drug use start? What is your reason for doing drugs and don't say to chill out or to have fun. If you are addicted you probably have a reason. It might be a good idea to tell me or totse where you are at in life and how you got to that point.


I'm not saying drugs are completely bad, but to those select few....How did your drug use improve your life? I'm talking, how did it help you meet good people and make money in a good way? How did drugs do that? Don't tell me they help you relax and chill out, that is a cop out.


At this point I am a little depressed and have decided to make some changes this year. I applied to college, got a nice job, and live in a nice house now. I know that if i continue to use drugs the WAY that I use them, to escape/take a break, then I am going to fail at school. I desperately want to succeed and help people succeed in doing so. I just don't know how....well I didn't, but I have been soul searching and now I finally feel like there is a way.


This is not my blog, this is a conversation set up strictly for people who feel like they are walking the line on the fence. One side is a prosperous life. The other side is a life full of disappointment and anger and failure. Please respond in the manner that you feel.

Keep it real TOTSE.

nigger i go to an ivy yet still manage to do as much of what i want whenever i want.

I dont feel like im on a downward spiral... my wallet might but hey, these things do come at a price....

honestly i think im one of those people who have a better life thanks to drugs...

I thank LSD for helping me with depression, and weed to a lesser extent... I can be happy without drugs, but i still use them recreationaly...

I started drinking to get pussy
I started smoking to chill out
I started triping to learn more about myself
I started benzo so I could deal with stage fright

I dont think im going down a spiral I do very well in school even with my drug use

yeah honestly dude youre a pussy, just learn how to manage your time and quit blaming drugs for your problems.

i switched a switch i cannot switch back via IVed dope. Big regret now I will always know how awesome it is for the rest of my life.

I started drinking to get pussy
I started smoking to chill out
I started triping to learn more about myself
I started benzo so I could deal with stage fright

I dont think im going down a spiral I do very well in school even with my drug use

basically this..

i'm going to college next year, state school, full ride.

i smoke weed every day, drink every weekend. those are well managed (well I could potentially have a DUI every weekend.. but let's keep our fingers crossed on this) and have been for around a year and a half. weed gives me motivation to do well in school because my mom knows i stay baked all the time. i know if i start slippin she will find my stash so fast and take it. she catches me drunk or high at least once a week, but i'm high alot of the times i see her. she doesn't really trip on it at all.

i sporadically use opiates in low recreational doses, mostly hydrocodone, but i've done codeine, oxycodone and morphine. usually this is at night or at school. there is really no downside to this since i can't afford to stay fucked up on opiates at all, plus my supplier is flaky with em since he pops them like skittles.

sporadically use benzos, which i would describe at the right dose as the perfect drug. however, i'd say 8 times out of ten i go overboard when i take these and end up with alot of explaining to do or at least a great great confusion about what has gone on. benzos have really fucked me over bad in the past so i've tried to chill out on them lately.

sporadically use amps, just adderall, which is the main avenue of my concern. the way i feel on 80+ MG of adderall makes me want to try meth.. which I know would be so fucking good. but the good thing about these drugs is its fun + productivity mixed, as opposed to skipping days at a time on benzos.

So nope, no downward spiral yet. Long post.

we call that an instant gratification complex. really fun thing to deal with....

we call that an instant gratification complex. really fun thing to deal with....

This. Also makes relationships fun, doesn't it?

This is the message about Heroin (and most drugs IVed) that people need to hear. I considered trying it myself, and forums were one of the main reasons I changed my mind. Pretty upsetting shit :[

The reason I keep doing drugs is because I don't feel emotions much, if not at all, and drugs such as opiates actually make me feel emotions. It's nice to feel things once and awhile.

Drugs havn't gotten or made my life any better either. This year i dropped out of college with a 3.2 gpa because of drug use. Drug user also has negatively effected me at work since everyone knows i do drugs because of a 'friend' who went around telling everyone about it. I've also lost a lot of friends. Seriously, never trust anybody with your personal problems. I'm never telling anyone anything that could come back to haunt me from now on.

I intend to stop drugs in 2008 and make 2009 a better year. I've re-applied for college aswell.

I'd say my drug use stems from my mental problems (depression/anxiety, schizoid personality disorder).

The reason I keep doing drugs is because I don't feel emotions much, if not at all, and drugs such as opiates actually make me feel emotions. It's nice to feel things once and awhile.

most relevant statement I've ever fucking read in my life, but not opiates for me. alcohol makes me feel emotions with he most intensity, stimulants make me feel normal, opiates just make me comfortable not feeling. I started really fucking with drugs after I discovered ecstasy and abusing the shit out of it actually brought my life to the highest point its ever been, and then a load of bullshit went down and now I need drugs to enjoy life, I'm not addicted yet and not to any specific drug but I can't envision a life without intoxication at least several times a week.

Drugs are fine, but don't let them define you. Follow this and you'll be straight. I used to abuse opiates to the extent of rehab, but now I find it so much better to just smoke good green and drink good liquor. Don't get me wrong, I still nod every once in a while, just not spending thousands of dollars trying to stay high all day every day.

Ahh fuck, why'd you have to go and say something like that?


That's the kinda deep subconscious shit that sends people spinning.

i dunno about you... ok well now i do... but i consider my drug use an upward spiral.

i stomped on a downward spiral...

it was such a shitty album.

This is a good topic. I'm just starting to get my shit back together after a nice year long heroin binge. Ended up in rehab and then moving to a 3/4 house in Cleveland. Shit helped me get off the opiates/benzos. After i got out of the house i moved to Conneticut where I am here sipping on some rum, listening to some house music, and watching the snow fall. Past couple months put shit into perspective for me. While I'm not drug free I am off the dope and pretty content with my life at the moment and where it's going. Started working out and shit and getting some sleep and I feel completely different.

basically this..

i'm going to college next year, state school, full ride.

i smoke weed every day, drink every weekend. those are well managed (well I could potentially have a DUI every weekend.. but let's keep our fingers crossed on this) and have been for around a year and a half. weed gives me motivation to do well in school because my mom knows i stay baked all the time. i know if i start slippin she will find my stash so fast and take it. she catches me drunk or high at least once a week, but i'm high alot of the times i see her. she doesn't really trip on it at all.

i sporadically use opiates in low recreational doses, mostly hydrocodone, but i've done codeine, oxycodone and morphine. usually this is at night or at school. there is really no downside to this since i can't afford to stay fucked up on opiates at all, plus my supplier is flaky with em since he pops them like skittles.

sporadically use benzos, which i would describe at the right dose as the perfect drug. however, i'd say 8 times out of ten i go overboard when i take these and end up with alot of explaining to do or at least a great great confusion about what has gone on. benzos have really fucked me over bad in the past so i've tried to chill out on them lately.

sporadically use amps, just adderall, which is the main avenue of my concern. the way i feel on 80+ MG of adderall makes me want to try meth.. which I know would be so fucking good. but the good thing about these drugs is its fun + productivity mixed, as opposed to skipping days at a time on benzos.

So nope, no downward spiral yet. Long post.

Im sorry to be the one to say this, but ur a pussy.

Im sorry to be the one to say this, but ur a pussy.

were 'chubbychaser' and 'chubbychaser1' honesty already registered?

were 'chubbychaser' and 'chubbychaser1' honesty already registered?

hey man its just what i do!

I started drinking to get pussy

No no no... you're the one that's not supposed to be drunk!

hey man its just what i do!

well i can't argue with that, you sure do know a pussy when you see one.

No no no... you're the one that's not supposed to be drunk!

yeah if you want to be accused of date rape.

dude it wasn't that bad some songs were okay, hurt is a pretty good song the namesake track is shitty cause its an instrumental and alot of its mediocre at best but I wouldn't full on stomp on it.

That was a good, honest, post. Thanks.

I noticed in my own experience and this goes out to all you fucktards who take drugs to "do" things.......stage fright/get sex/chill out/feel emotions..........When you are taking drugs to do those things you have low confidence and self esteem and you don't think you can accomplish happyness on your own. It does the exact opposite. Makes your brain used to the chemicals and when they aren't there your shit gets wack. And those guys who do drugs like that, including myself, are in trouble. I'm just trying to make people aware that drugs aren't just candy.......its like eating the forbidden fruit.

Don't get me wrong they are FUCKING AWESOME. I have gotten laid so many times thanks to booze, amphetamines, opiates, and especially benzos....those are like tang pills.
If you can't just do one and stop, which i can't, then they are not something you are ready to handle. Maybe one day, but it also runs in your family genes. Alcoholism is really bad in my family.


btw Alcohol is the new gateway drug fuck what the government says. I was drunk when i tried weed and I'm sure most of America was, too.

If you can't just do one and stop, which i can't, then they are not something you are ready to handle. Maybe one day, but it also runs in your family genes. Alcoholism is really bad in my family.



Yep. When I do drugs all I want to do is more the next day. It also runs in my family genes as well, both parents actually were heavy drug users/alchohlics. I think I got my depression from my mom aswell.

Fortunately i'm not able to buy alchohol yet, but i suspect it will be a future problem...

well if it's any constelation i am on day three of weening. i've spent $30 in the last 3 days on dope.. go me or somethin

Good job. I'm down to my last bag (aka line) of dope. I've been looking at it all day, but just did half of it. Instantly feel better. After this I am stopping. My dealer ripped me off a couple days ago too (I gave him $100 for 13 bags, he gave me 6 bags), so I'm not going back to him anymore anyway, so I have no place to get it so I think this time will be easier to get off.

Thing is, I always have to have something to fill the void. Once i stop dope, i go back to eating more and more. I've never gotten fat from it, but spending 20 bucks a day on fast food, pizza, steaks, etc isn't good. I also usually go back to pot and cigarettes. I'm too self destructive.

Good job. I'm down to my last bag (aka line) of dope. I've been looking at it all day, but just did half of it. Instantly feel better. After this I am stopping..

quote of the day

After getting back from rehab for my cocaine use, I stayed clean for 6 months. I now smoke meth and crack. I have never been happier.

I wish I was you

Take it from someone who has learned it the hard way: drugs are best done when you don't want to get something done; when you just want to relax and rest.

Using drugs to get things done ends up making you mentally dependent until finally they stop working and you realize that you're alone with nothing left to latch on to.

The reason I keep doing drugs is because I don't feel emotions much, if not at all, and drugs such as opiates actually make me feel emotions.

do you remember if you felt emotions before you started doing drugs? was there any major events any life around the same time you started to lose all emotional capacity? I've been looking at the progression of this shit in my own life over the last 5 years or so and I'm wondering how big a roll drugs played

If you are worried, why don't you do the work now. Focus completely on the academic and financial sides of it.

Afterwards you will have more money, something to fall back on and a life;
furthermore you will have
more money for drugs AND a lower tolerance.

You can't lose!

do you remember if you felt emotions before you started doing drugs? was there any major events any life around the same time you started to lose all emotional capacity? I've been looking at the progression of this shit in my own life over the last 5 years or so and I'm wondering how big a roll drugs played

I started channging for the worse around when highschool began. That was the same year I first tried drugs. Although I have always felt different since as far back as i can rememeber.

Also, day 1.

The whole day today I felt like I could just lay down and fall asleep at any moment, even with sleeping for 8 hours.

sounds like most of you are depressed. It is not a bad thing to be, but it must be fixed or you won't get any healthier anytime soon.

I had a conversation with a friend about this recently, he told me that most of us just sit on that line, but it's are own willpower that makes us fall to one side or the other..

Drugs have helped me reach a newer level of spirituality that I don't think I could have reached without them. However, currently, they're destroying my life and I have no control over it. I'm addicted to LSD and THC (say it can't happen, i'll slap you. Mental addiction is different than physical). I lost the best girl ever, (seriously, smoke and fuck whenever) all because I couldn't keep control over the horrible hole in my soul that I will keep throwing drugs into. I enjoy the sensations, only because they're sensations now. The pain of taking a massive rip, the mental fuck-age of LSD, the cough that feels like you're going to get a lung up and outta ya, the almost debiliating pain in the spine the day after. I've got around 50 bucks in the bank, and y'know what? I can't even get a decent amount of nug for that. My tolerance is so high and my brain is ravaged. So, I guess... y'know, just saying this all felt good. Thank you OP. Thank you so much for just allowing us here on Totse to vent.

It's funny how you do this, 'cause I am the person that most of my friends come to with problems, and now us to you. I respect you yo.

I started channging for the worse around when highschool began. That was the same year I first tried drugs. Although I have always felt different since as far back as i can rememeber.

Also, day 1.

The whole day today I felt like I could just lay down and fall asleep at any moment, even with sleeping for 8 hours.

this is how i feel also..

I don't really think my life is on a downward spiral. I've done E, shrooms, acid, oxycontin (snorted), meth (smoked), ketamine,

the list goes on. but I still have an overall gpa of 3.52 in high school and I've been taking a college class up at the local community college every semester for the past 3 semesters to get a head start on my general ed.

the only drug I regret starting is smoking cigs. I've been addicted to many other things and cigs have always been my downfall.

Other than that I feel like my life is at a crossing point... the decisions that I make in these next couple of months are going to affect the person I am and my life style... But I plan on staying in college and getting a place with my brother.... and getting my medical card :D

I don't blame the drugs for the problems.. I blame myself for the problems.... and I learn from them.

Good job. I'm down to my last bag (aka line) of dope. I've been looking at it all day, but just did half of it. Instantly feel better. After this I am stopping. My dealer ripped me off a couple days ago too (I gave him $100 for 13 bags, he gave me 6 bags), so I'm not going back to him anymore anyway, so I have no place to get it so I think this time will be easier to get off.

Thing is, I always have to have something to fill the void. Once i stop dope, i go back to eating more and more. I've never gotten fat from it, but spending 20 bucks a day on fast food, pizza, steaks, etc isn't good. I also usually go back to pot and cigarettes. I'm too self destructive.

yeah i am almost done. i have had like $100 since my last post but i don't spend more than $15 a day. i do two doses a day basically. after tomorrow i'm dropping it down to $10. after a few days of that im converting my abuse on over to dank ass weed. cross ya fingers neezes and neezettes

I guess I have always had a bit of a depressive outlook on life, always too highly strung and worry about most things.
My real drug use started after a shit relationship though, but it wasn't because of this relationship, it was more about my perspective on life changing.

I started trying all different things just to find out what was out there, some kind of soul searching even. I started off fairly slow, I still remember I was very nervous even trying Xanax, concerned what it would do to me, yet at the same time I enjoyed the rush of feeling something new, something different to the every day life.

Drugs have effected me both in a positive way and a negative way. LSD has changed my way of thinking, and MDMA made me realize the beauty of nature, but I don't abuse either of these drugs and have only used MDMA once and LSD about 2 or 3 times, however they were under poor circumstances (I had complicated work to do the day after).

LSD also caused a few major problems for me. Around the time I took it I was depressed and quite busy with life, and I was looking for some answers. I had a difficult trip, and after coming down my girlfriend informed me she had read all of my chat logs on my laptop and such and found some pictures of my ex girlfriend that I didn't even know were there. So we were on the rocks, and I just curled up on the floor for a few hours wishing to just die.

Just thought i'd share that because it was one of the worst experiences of my life.

For a long time I walked the exact same line you are talking, I smoked a lot of weed, and just basically needed to have something intoxicating in me, I couldn't even tell you why, it was just like life is too hard, there is no point etc etc. It sounds ridiculous, but I'm sure a lot of you can relate.

I still smoke weed now and if my girlfriend let me I would probably take some more things now and then, but in all honesty MDMA really changed my perspective. Ever since I took it I have realized what is important and I have lost a lot of the urges you are suffering from now. I don't think I have touched opiates, benzos, lsd or even mdma since then, in fact I have only smoked weed since that experience.

I know the struggles you have though, try and find something to work towards, a new house, a degree in something you enjoy, set a money goal, aim for a boat, find a nice girlfriend, non drug using friends etc etc.

Eh I think I kind of went off topic a bit, it's boxing day and I'm a little tired so excuse me if I'm ranting, but I know exactly what you are talking about, and I have a family history of alcohol and drug abuse too to a degree so I watch myself too.