So I was crossing this intersection a few blocks away from my house, and this hilariously ugly Chevrolet Lumina minivan comes barreling around the corner out of nowhere. I just froze in my tracks and thought how hilarious is this, I'm about to get hit by a fucking car. Right before the impact, I jumped up as high as I could for maximum air (I'm whiter than the chick from Nightwish, but I wear Jordans). My body hit the windshield and I went fucking flying over the top of the car, landing like 50 feet away, my head hitting the pavement with a hilarious thud. I lost consciousness for a moment and had this hilarious dream about being naked at some hippie wilderness retreat in the middle of the night and puking blood all over everyone while they were sleeping as I simultaneously stroked my cock, which was significantly larger in the dream. I considered totally raping them all but was thrown back into my hilarious reality before I could work out the logistics.

When I came to, all these people were standing around me with hilariously concerned looks on their faces. An obese old black woman -- presumably the driver -- was standing over me crying, and she looked exactly like Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House, but then again all obese old black women look like this to me. Anyway, the sight of Big Momma blubbering over me was just too hilarious and I started giggling uncontrollably, and this turned into real gut laughter when I realized that I was totally covered in my own blood. I tried to pick myself up off the pavement so I could go tell my friends about this hilarious occurence, but these hilariously distraught people kept forcing me back down, rambling about potential spinal injuries or some shit. It was pretty hilarious. I laughingly told this bloated creature that I was going to sue the shit out of her, which made her sob so hard that she started making these hilarious panicky little high-pitched Pikachu noises. This was so fucking hilarious to me that soon I was in tears as well, and I could feel my obviously broken ribs poking my partially collapsed lungs, which only tickled me further. Then I projectile puked blood all over everyone, which was hilarious.

Eventually an ambulance arrived, and the paramedics loaded me onto a stretcher with a hilarious sense of urgency, asking me various questions in a ridiculously serious tone of voice. I answered "yes" to everything because I was laughing so hard that I couldn't understand what the fuck they were even saying. In the back of the ambulance, I started to feel horny from the sheer euphoric hilarity of the situation; I tried to squeeze in a quick jack session before they doped me up at the hospital, but this blatantly Mexican EMT restrained me. The disturbed look on his swarthy Mexican face when I asked him if he could jack me off instead was absolutely hilarious. It made me laugh so hard that I hilariously puked blood all over the back of the ambulance. Then I started to slip in and out of consciousness from the blood loss, and my life began to flash before my eyes. I endured a series of hilarious, formerly lost memories, including but not limited to: being born, getting circumsized, purposely shitting the bed at age 3 just to rebel against my parents, and hilariously almost choking to death at age 5 while playing Chubby Bunny.

I passed out and then woke up in an ER bed a few hours later, still laughing my ass off. The nurse, who resembled Kathy Bates except even more hilariously piglike, told me a bunch of hilarious shit like how I almost died and how I shouldn't worry because my parents would be there any second. As soon as this silly bitch finally left, I ripped out the IV and breathing apparatus they had me hooked up to, and dipped the fuck out of there with my ass showing through the back of the hospital gown, which I thought was hilarious. I walked all the way home like this, with random cars honking at me and people asking me if I was "okay", to which I responded by giggling derisively and making a jacking off motion with my hand. Randomly, I approached a 12 year old girl and said, "Pop quiz: who wrote Notes from Underground?" and puked blood all over her when she didn't know, then I grabbed her ass and gave her a brutal wet willie; it was hilarious. When I finally got home, I hilariously had to break into my own apartment since I hilariously forgot to get my keys and everything back at the hospital. It was so hilarious that I had to eat a box of DayQuil to stop laughing long enough to jack off and write this post.

Overall I'd say this was a pretty hilarious day. I love being human.

I'm doing this someday. I promise.

I read this thread, then noticed your username.

Lawl, oh the irony...

Yay, deadteenager is alive!

you forgot to mention how afterwards wings sprouted out of your anus and zipped you across the galaxy.

Aw I feel loved. Hell yeah I'm still alive. Of course I'm still haunted by this username, but at least I won't be confused with what's-her-face anymore WINK WINK (not using the wink smiley, it's too gay)

That was one of the most interesting things I've read on totse for a while.

Lol.

Worst post eva

If this is really true, when what a funny day you had.

If this is fake, you did a great job making me think you had a funny day, and made mine a little better

good god this is the trippiest post in the world. My head hurts

Interesting for a post filled with the pitiful teen tragicomedy that results of assumed nihilism.

That was actually kinda funny.

Tl;dr, but i bet it was funny.

can you post the rest of your dream lol without the fag cock part. it seemed funny

I digg it. I wouldn't mind seeing the OP being made into a short film, I'd so buy it for a dollar.

and then i lol'd and then i puked blood and then i did something totally outrageous and then i lol'd and then i puked blood and then...

Hilariously enough, that hilarious story was pretty hilarious.
Hilarious.

Even the bible has more credit and is more probable than your story. Try again next time.

God bless ADD.

I enjoy your story telling skills sir.
I salute you.

Well, they say laughter cures all ills.



...so, how you feelin' after your ordeal?

Nihilism? My life bubbleth over with meaning & purpose. And that's exactly why I think everything -- including your post -- is so god damn hilarious.

Totse's Newest Fuck-You-to-the-World: Staging pedestrian collisions.

Hehe.

O hayo!

Reminds me of the time when i got hit by a car and cant remember nothing leading up to it or after, but i got told i kept constantly asking for opiates and medical marijuana.

That was hilariously hilarious.

To OP: http://www.getscottkellettout.com/images/Pics/Thesaurus.jpg

What up apex. Good to see you're still around.

Probably the funniest thing I've read all week.

If this is true, you're going to get one hell of an insurance settlement! That will be hilarious on the drivers part!

Oh, and 10/10!

Sorry, let me rephrase it.

Interesting for a post filled with the pitiful teen tragicomedy that is the result of the sociopsychological dregs of psuedo-subcultures and cultural decay that ingrain an assumed nihilistic worldview in the gaping hole of ignorance resulting in an unenlightened nature that is reflective of much of 1st world youth in America today. It parallels populist-romanticism that effects the political leanings of such youth in light of of their ironic lack of empathy, drive, respect, and understanding.

You know, after reading all that, I am -really- surprised you did not move in with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

No! say not to bel-air!

I'm going to take a habanero and stuff one in your ass, and the other in your penis.

Just kidding, I love will smith.

Huh? Kind of like when I wear my "I Love Pussy" redneck trucker cap even though I'm not a redneck truck driver? And that vintage Beach Boys shirt that I paid $300 for?

Hawt.

Can I have my way with your anus afterward?

http://www.nope.org/images/nope_logo2.gif

hilarious