You hear about it all the time: Girl gets sexually abused when younger, becomes crazy or a slut.

Well my eldest foster sister (I'll call her Jane) is already becoming problematic. Jane was sexually abused as a child by her father and her eldest brother. Bashed and degraded by her mother. And who knows what else? She's had a fucked up childhood, yesterday at the dinner table was a clear example of that. Her siblings were making fun of her because she once ate her own vomit. In her defense she said "I didn't know when my I'd get my next chance to eat...(her real mum) always spent food money on drugs".

She's dealt with every type of abuse, and already has a "will do anything to be liked or for attention" attitude. She even has this whole "bad attention is better than no attention" mentality. Which I can only see leading to trouble. My mum's answer to this is boarding school like discipline and religion (just pushes her further away).

I can see her being taken advantage of. And never want to let that happen. Out of all my siblings she has the best chance at growing up normal.

I wonder, is there anything I'm able to do or say that will make sure she doesn't go down a path like her mum? Is there help I can offer or do I need to stand by and just watch?

Pics.

make her realise that she needs help.
If she doent want it,, you cant help at all!

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Serious answers only please.

EDIT: Missed the "already in a foster home" part.

People like that are pretty much permanently fucked up. She'll probably just drift from guy to guy as they get sick of and dump her.

It's her who has to want to change. You can't make a person change (short of chucking them into the armed forces) unless they decide that it's a good idea.

Talk to her. Tell her that you think she can do better and make a happy life for herself and that you'll be willing to help her.

Short of that, I'm stumped without knowing more details about what her current behaviour is.

Show her she can do better...Like set her up with a date or give her a hug.

I'm sorry arquin...man...
That was the best answer i could write...
I'm pretty blazed right now. :o

Thats a reasonable answer. Try to get her self-confidence up and try to get her to see the brighter side of life.

Spend more time with her, teaching her the wisdoms of life.

Or, you could introduce her to Totse - she'll get more attention than she can handle, and, maybe, stop craving it.

hmm, abuse and sexual abuse is hellish to deal with..

the best coarse of action is getting proffesionall help, someone she can talk to, and someone that will guide her properly.

i dont know if you are that person for her, as i was for my girlfriend back from a millenia ago who had to deal with the same stuff.

she was raped by her father and ran away, i met her and gave her a place to stay, guided her life back on tracks - she's a lawyer now :) but the road was hellish for both of us. with her waking up screaming at night and name it...

so the best you can do is give her all the attention you can, listen to her and make her feel save.... thats all you can do.

If you think there's a good chance for her why don't you start a meaningful relationship with her? That way she can displace all that sexual aggression on you :)

Realistically though, especially if you're older, just be there for her ready to talk, tell her you'll always have her back but don't make it seem intrusive, just let her know you're there.

Of course I'm always there for her. She knows this.

I'm thinking about having her take up some type of martial art.

Something practical and pretty competitive.

Give her some self discipline, allow her to become competitive and motivated, but most importantly I want her to have a strong personality so that she isn't easily influenced. I want her to be able to defend her self.

What do you think of this idea?

It's not a bad idea. I've been doing one type of martial arts or another since I was 7, loved it.

But some won't. Maybe she'd rather play a sport? Something physical for sure though, you can't beat a physical activity for stress release.

By sport I mean maybe she'd rather be on a team.

By sport I mean maybe she'd rather be on a team.

Team sports go by age. She's incredibly small for her age.

Don't most martial arts go by weight/size?

She has a mild disability effecting coordination, so she's kind of unco and when you're on a team there's the added stress of having to perform well for your team mates.

I'll ask her what she'd prefer tomorrow.

That sounds like a splendid idea. If she doesn't want to do it though, all you can pretty much do is talk to her and be there and for her and do whatever you can to make sure nothing ever happens to her. Basically, just be a good big brother. She may hate you for it now if you "ruin her fun" but she'll sure as hell appreciate it down the road.

Team sports go by age. She's incredibly small for her age.

Don't most martial arts go by weight/size?

She has a mild disability effecting coordination, so she's kind of unco and when you're on a team there's the added stress of having to perform well for your team mates.

I'll ask her what she'd prefer tomorrow.

Then she might even feel out of place at a martial arts dojo.

Start off slow, teach her some things yourself, go have a pickup football game or something. Or if you're in the same house, join martial arts too. Won't hurt and she won't feel alone. If you already are taking it, take her to your dojo and you can teach her and make sure she stays ahead.

If she performs well she'll feel good about herself.

I'll try. I love the little shit, and I'll probably go to jail if some one fucks her over.

Or if you're in the same house, join martial arts too. Won't hurt and she won't feel alone.

If she performs well she'll feel good about herself.

This is a really good idea. Thanks. :)


One other thing I needed help with is: They've been living with me for 8 years now, the three of them, and I love them heaps, but I've never told them. Is that important or can it go unsaid and shown through actions? I also have the feeling that she needs to know that her family love her and will be there for her. Y'know?

*edit*

Just realized I've never told a sibling I love them. How do you tell a sibling you love them? It just seems creepy to me.

It's not a bad idea. I've been doing one type of martial arts or another since I was 7, loved it.


the only reason you loved it was because the sensei showed you the flaming fist of fury up your ass. lolololololol

op: give up on her or use her for your sexual needs if she is so needy. abuse fucks people up and not many grow up to be decent people after it...


Vote me for dictator of the world in 2020, i will make bad parenting a crime punisable by the death sentence.

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Something like that.

As far as telling siblings you love them, it doesn't really take a lot of thought. It's as easy as breathing, I don't know what sort of shitty American TV you've been watching where the dad only says "I love you" to his kids once in his whole life, but it's said a lot in normal households.

It doesn't really hold much weight because it's said often, but if she makes a big deal about it just laugh. Obviously your actions are more important, but it's nice to say. The thing is, and I shit you not, I'm being 100% serious here, as your foster sister, there might be sexual tension because you're not related. So if you don't want it to go that way just keep reminding her she's your little sister and pick on her the way you would if she was 13.

Make sure you draw a non-sexual line and then when you say you love her, hug her, kiss her, etc, it's going to be in a strictly brother/sister way, not a way that leaves the door open for sexual feelings.

as your foster sister, there might be sexual tension because you're not related. So if you don't want it to go that way just keep reminding her she's your little sister and pick on her the way you would if she was 13.

Make sure you draw a non-sexual line and then when you say you love her, hug her, kiss her, etc, it's going to be in a strictly brother/sister way, not a way that leaves the door open for sexual feelings.

Woah...unlike most of totse this really creeps me out.

Uhh...well I think I draw the line pretty well. But now I'll be more conscious of it.

*is never again going to walk around in his boxers in the morning*

Woah...unlike most of totse this really creeps me out.

Uhh...well I think I draw the line pretty well. But now I'll be more conscious of it.

*is never again going to walk around in his boxers in the morning*

NO NO NO.

See, that's the thing. You have to be open with her as you would a real sister. Because after all, there's no sexual tension if you choose to laugh it off.

Just realize that it's there so you're aware of it, but treat her as if you would a real blood sister, because that's the best way to address the issue.

1. Buy her some lingerie from ann summers or victoria's secret
2. Pimp her out
3. ?????
3. Profit

pfft... rykoshet stole the helper of the day award.


it's basicly pretty much all you can do: Be there for her. and make sure she bloody well knows it.

this was from my experience the most difficult part. trusting that someone will be there for you.

having her know that she can count on you for anything is in my eyes the most important things in the world... even if all you can do is listen and lend a shoulder/lap to cry on.

Much of this could just be reiterating or disagreeing with what has already been said.

1.) Do not ruin her fun. Be involved in her life and be a friend, but she has to be able to make her own choices; let her see the consequences. If you try to lay down the law, it will just give her a chance to get negative attention. If you have friends that are burned out party girls, use them as an example of what the lifestyle can get a person. Learning from the mistakes of others always beats making them yourself; though it's not always possible, it's a good lesson.

2.) Don't get into the whole love thing unless you feel comfortable or want to get into it. I don't think that I've ever told any of my stepbrothers or sisters that I love them. It just doesn't seem "right". They know and I know, but some things are simply unspoken; actions can speak louder than words.

3.) Make time for her. It's usually not enough just to be there when she needs you, be there when she doesn't as well.

4.) Getting involved in something together is a good idea, but let her have input in it. Take the time to look through the options with her and come to a decision together. Make sure that she makes friends in whatever you decide to do; that way she doesn't lose interest if/when you're gone.

5.) Ignore any thought of sexual tension. People often don't give foster kids enough credit; she's a member of the family. You know that and can find ways to make sure that she realizes it as well.

6.) She knows how to deal with major things, so she has a good grounding to develop a strong personality. Support her and do what you can to let her trust herself. When she makes a good decision, make sure that she knows it; this is assuming that she doesn't trust in her own decisions.

Good luck. There's nothing surefire and it's an ugly situation, but sometimes great people grow out of bad situations.

Thanks, it means a lot.

As for the love comment, I'd have to disagree with Euda. It means a lot to hear it, even if it's just a simple "love ya" as you're heading off to bed or something. If she takes it as a big deal, shrug it off and tell her "duh".

I wonder, is there anything I'm able to do or say that will make sure she doesn't go down a path like her mum? Is there help I can offer or do I need to stand by and just watch?

If you'd actually read anything you talked shit about, you'd already know the answer to that, wouldn't you?

Funny. Hippies talk about karma like it's something mystical. Usually, it's more a case of "stupid people will fuck their own self over." Quite more direct.

But yeah. It's there. You just have to face the fact that you care about your family a lot less than you care about being petty and pathetic in displacing your own lack of happiness on innocent people around you. Have a nice day. Try to smile when she finally commits suicide, and enjoy the part you played.

Meanwhile, we'll be laughing at you, 'cause you talked so much mad shit and then came back whining all butthurt asking about shit you talked shit about because someone 'dared' to talk about the very things you're asking about. That's irony for you, and irony's just hilarious.

Now we get to sit back and watch you crash and burn.

As for the love comment, I'd have to disagree with Euda. It means a lot to hear it, even if it's just a simple "love ya" as you're heading off to bed or something.

From a sister or brother?

A little stepbrother used to ask me if I loved him; it's not a question of love. He's family and that doesn't change for the world.

From a sister or brother?

A little stepbrother used to ask me if I loved him; it's not a question of love. He's family and that doesn't change for the world.

Yeah, but especially with younger kids, it's nice to hear. They don't understand the value of family yet and because she's a foster child, I'm guessing her old family never understood the value she had either. So it's simply a matter of reassuring her that she's loved and will be forever, because she may not really know it.

If you'd actually read anything you talked shit about, you'd already know the answer to that, wouldn't you?

Funny. Hippies talk about karma like it's something mystical. Usually, it's more a case of "stupid people will fuck their own self over." Quite more direct.

But yeah. It's there. You just have to face the fact that you care about your family a lot less than you care about being petty and pathetic in displacing your own lack of happiness on innocent people around you. Have a nice day. Try to smile when she finally commits suicide, and enjoy the part you played.

Meanwhile, we'll be laughing at you, 'cause you talked so much mad shit and then came back whining all butthurt asking about shit you talked shit about because someone 'dared' to talk about the very things you're asking about. That's irony for you, and irony's just hilarious.

Now we get to sit back and watch you crash and burn.

Duuuuude...stop being a pedo. I have no idea what you just said, you're smarter than me, I wont deny that. But I'm a not a pedo so...that atleast makes me happy.

If you would have made sense I wouldn't do the following...but seriously, it's like you're speaking 'spiteful pedo' or something.

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Duuuuude...stop being a pedo.

Yeah... that's what got you into this.

it's like you're speaking 'spiteful pedo' or something.

Nah. "Spite" is technically sliiiiiightly different.

See, it wouldn't have been so freaking hilarious if I or anyone else had lifted a finger to help bring it about. But... we didn't. You did, all on your own.

'n that's what's so funny. Not so much the fact that you got yourself fucked and totally lost... it's the fact that you actually managed to do this without anyone's help. Wouldn't be quite so cosmically hilarious and ironic, were that not the case...

Or at least, so I thought. This...

I have no idea what you just said

...sort of raises the spectre that it might not be so much "laughing as the universe takes care of itself without intervention" as it is "making fun of the disabled"... which is far, far less entertaining and noble a thing. Nonetheless...

If you would have made sense I wouldn't do the following...

The very first post you decided to talk shit to for no legitimate reason just happened to devote several paragraphs - probably about a page to a page and a half, depending on browser size and formatting - to being in the exact same situation you started a thread about here. If you'd actually read it, rather than just burning the book without reading it, you might have actually gotten an earlier start and not had to make this thread - or at least gotten something out of it.

But... you didn't read the book without burning it, and you didn't even read what you condemned at all. You have absolutely no idea what you're talking shit to - you've pretty well proven that - and you successfully shot yourself quite directly in the foot, coming back a couple weeks later to beg for the very same contents of the first post you tried so hard to talk shit to. Yeah, it's funny to watch. You did it to yourself. 'n if you'd actually read instead of launching a two minutes' hate on the title alone, you'd have the experiences of others in some pretty successful outcomes long before you made this post.

But you didn't read the post before you started shouting over the internet. 'n since you can't even read this, you don't even know where to go back and look if you wanted to go back and look. You keep digging yourself deeper when the answers were right in front of you all along. 'n probably, this is somehow a metaphor for life in general that I can't put into words.

Instant karma. The universe takes care of its own. No need to even lift a finger.

Of course, the other person affected by all this is your sister. That's kinda sad. It's not like she's responsible for your personal problems, or anything. The only person that can take responsibility for your life is you, and as we've seen, the only person your hatred really affects is... you. But you're almost dragging your sister along for the ride.

Maybe her chance to get on the bus will come from someplace else. I certainly hope so. But... to be honest, you're not exactly in the best position to offer her service anyway. The old axiom that one can 'lead a horse to water,' but cannot make them drink, tries to grasp at a very great wisdom, but it's not even true. No one's strong enough to drag a horse. All one can do is know the water is there, and let the horse wonder if you know something on its own time.

In the sort of situation in which you mention, you can't really "do" anything to help someone. Anything in a person's head is confined to a world in which it's only them, and thus it will always be between them and themselves, fairly irrevocably. All you can do is be something so categorically different.

You're not ready, grasshopper. The way you treat other people is no different than the way her mother treated her. 'n as much as your self-esteem is contingent on trying to deny it, the way her father treated her was really no different than the way her mother treated her. Unfortunately for all your nobler aspirations - which I give you some credit for - putting her on the "good" list won't cut it. It will only make her cheapen herself further to try to get or stay on everyone's "good" list; it's a survival mechanism, nothing more, nothing less... in the case of those with very little trust, like my ex-girlfriend, choosing the rare person she thinks is good enough that it would be safe to be hurt by, because she can always go it alone... and in the case of people like your sister, who never had the chance to avoid people... everyone she can find, because if she's not on the "good" list of everyone around her, she's going to get hurt, just like you do to everyone you write off as 'not human.' You can't just put her on the "good" list without reinforcing that worldview, you have to be something so totally different that such a thing is not even possible before they can begin to wonder if there's a world in which not everything is like that.

You're not ready to do that. I was perfectly happy to let you give it a try anyways, honestly, but you're not ready for that, either - you were given two chances, when you blew off the first one, and you charted your own course. It is said that the universe takes care of its own, but maybe the universe takes care of its own order - as though people can't even see anything that's outside their own little world, and one must move one's mind, and the world will follow.

Oh, well. In this obsession you have between me and you, the only person you've managed to hurt is... you. And your sister, but she's got her own world, her own set of things she sees, things she has not seen yet, and things of which she cannot even concieve, and perhaps she'll find her own path without you. It's entirely possible that the universe will take care of her, too.

Namasté, brother. I hope your path finally brings you the peace it takes to know true joy.

For fuck's sake Joe...

Why do you bother typing such long replies if you can't even put in the effort to make them comprehensive...

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He's an idiot. Tries to be all 'open minded and freewill' but he's just a predator. Sick of it.

Professional counseling in addition to the above ^ She's going to need counseling no matter how well you take care of her.

Funny, I thought I made it to "the underlying nature of life, the universe, and everything" in brief as related back to the post; I know I threw in something about how the underlying nature of the universe has its cycles of action and reaction, and how it's better to let them take their course without getting involved in them...

...but...

Why do you bother typing such long replies

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Why do I make posts? Usually a random one of several reasons, the most common two being either that something is, or someone asked a science question when I'm bored enough for simple shit to be fun.

Why did I make that post? A bunch of reasons. One is that a door has been in front of arquin for a long-ass time, and he's too confused and lost and mentally blind to walk through it. I'd read the writings of satan hisself if doing so might help me serve people I love - hell, I'd probably read satan just for a good book.

Another reason is that he's probably not the only person who will ever face this or a host of other issues. Everything he needs to know is sitting right in front of him, and he can't see it. If this would help someone else to do good work, than so be it.

Yet another reason is so that it wouldn't be my fault. I tried, I tried again, and I tried three times to give him the exact knowledge he requested. Just shows that there are some things he cares about more than his sister, and one of them is starting fights with people on the internet. Luckily, no one can honorably say I didn't try to give him exactly what he was seeking in this particular case, and I'm comfortable with that. It was a good cause, even if the person asking has a lot of self-development to do in this world.

'n last but not least... if you read the last string of posts in this thread, you'll see a string of prophecy. I rather like prophecy; it's as simple as acknowledging what one cannot change and watching it unfold, and when it calls for itself, I'll probably tend to do it. It's rather satisfying to engage in, in part because it helps one feel one has absolved one's self of responsibility. Buddhism more-or-less teaches that this attachment and guilt is itself a trap in the same order, but hey. No one's perfect, right?

So, call it equal parts of two things - other people will be seeking the same knowledge, and have it... and I have nothing to feel guilty about for not only doing the right thing, but making sure the right thing gets done. The part of that latter that deals with the fact that the answer is sitting right in front of him and he can't even see it amuses the crap out of me, but hey - I did what I can to help my fellow living being. Accept what I cannot change, and have faith that of the several billion people on the planet, someone else will come along and read this, and I have helped someone find a happy, healthier life. That will be enough.

Perhaps you meant "comprehensible." Well... they are. They're not long, either - there are people who flip through five hundred to a thousand page novels or nonfiction works in an hour or to, and do this back to back for entertainment. These people are among the many who find my posts simple and light to read, while a minority of other people won't be able to read them with a dictionary right in front of them. That's okay, it just happens, nothing I can do about it, and quite frankly, as an early literate, there's nothing I can do to change my conversational style anyway. Except for talking only in *chan memes. Which were invented, by the way, to allow people like me to finally get shit across to people who... umm... read less.

Buuuut... yeah. Why? Everything arquin asked for is right in front of him, and he still won't pick it up. Other people will benefit from it. This chain of events is no fault of my own.

Surely, that is reason enough? "I did it for the lulz." 'n any positive benefits in the lives of people close to other readers is pretty good, too.

no theres nothing you can do.
shes gonna turn out how she will, as all abuse victims do.