Hello there S&A. This is going to be a pretty long post, but I feel like I need to write it. I've never really been one for relationships. Never really had them when I was younger. I mean, I had oppourtinties, I just never took that chance on them. I guess I was just shy. The girls that would hit on me, and flirt were attractive. Some just straight up out of my league. I never took that chance to try it out. I don't know what it was till this day, I guess I just saw everyone breaking up with each other, and all the pain it caused, and I guess I didn't want to feel any pain. In retrospect, it caused more pain by not experiencing what everyone else was, and I closed myself off to all females for a long long time. I pretty much turned into a complete asshole towards the opposite sex.

I'll start this little endeavor off at about age 15. I was just going through the time when every boy really really starts to notice the opposite sex. They were everywhere! It was heaven and hell all mixed into one. Seeing all these girls everywhere I turned. Wanting to talk to them all, and take them home with me. It was nice. It was also hell. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid that they would just laugh at me. I always had the little voice in my head telling me that it would never happen with them, that I would get rejected. It all started with that voice. It has caused me so much trouble and pain. I started listening to that voice too much. I became really shy, because I listened. I became self hatefull, because the voice had gotten stronger, and bolder. Telling me things like I was unnatractive, unappealing to the opposite sex, that I had nothing to offer, and that I was lesser of a man, that I would always just get passed up for a friend.

16 years old. Things had just gotten worse over the year for me. It was okay though, I found ways to spend my time. Usually at the skate park, skating or on the computer learning about things. I wasn't in school at this time, and I think that had another part to play into it. I guess it was my fault for not showing up to school though, all they had left to do was kick me out. Shows how much they care lol. The time at the skatepark was probably some of the best times I've ever had in my life. It was like a meeting place for EVERYONE I knew. And over the year, it just became even more popular among people. It was mostly just us guys hanging out for a while. Then, girls started to hang out there.... I never understood why. It use to just be a couple of girls. They would just come to hang out with us because we knew them from school. It was cool, just friends hanging out, just being teenagers. Over the course of a month or so, the girls started bringing friends. The skatepark wasn't for skating anymore. It was almost like a mating grounds. No one really skated, just stared and talked to girls. All of my friends were now obsessed with our newly acquired female friends. That is, except for me. That little voice kept me away from them. I watched everyone hook up with everyone that year. Relationships that were destined to be, and ones that were destined to fail. Everyone had their chance at everyone. Except for me. I stayed away from it all. Though, I did start talking to one girl. She lived quite a ways away, but I met her through a friend, that was dating her best friend. For once though, I found someone interesting, and that she was interested in me.

It was a wonderful previous year. Some amazing times that I will never ever forget happened when I was 16. The girl I was interested in were still talking, but it was a new year though, same old shit, same old place, just a new year. Summer time was the best of times at my second home; the skate park. I had made many new friends, guys and girls, and felt comfortble with them. I knew them and what they were about, and they knew me. Little did I know, that this year was going to be different. Very different. This year, I met back up with an old friend. He was my best friend, and is one of the best of them still. He turned me on to a whole new world. A world full of carelessness and drowing your pains. That's right! He turned me into the alcoholic that I am today. Not only did he turn me into an alcoholic, but he showed me how much fun it was to sleep around and to not give a shit. Over time we grew alike. We were both complete assholes, alcoholics and really didn't care about anything other then getting fucked up, and maybe getting fucked. Of couse, he was getting fucked. I wasn't. This really made things worse. We were both alike, yet he was always getting some, and I wasn't. Maybe it was because I wasn't trying hard enough, or maybe it was other factors.Maybe it was because I was still talking to this girl, and she was holding me back. None the less, this drove me crazy. That he could be almost exactly like me, and get laid but I couldn't.

Spiraling downward in a constant drunken rage, I had enough of the shit. It wasn't fair to me. I hated the opposite gender and everything that they stood for. I was played over and over and over again. I had given up on being shy and listening to that little voice in my head. It was drowned out by the alcohol and rage. I wanted to sleep around like everyone else. I wanted to have the relationships like everyone else. I wanted what they had. Something finally snapped inside me. I couldn't tell you what it was, or why but something snapped. I don't know, maybe it was after I was turned down even when I wasn't trying to get in some girls pants. I was just being a friend....

It was a new me. I hated everyone with a passion. I wanted to destroy them. To hurt them. This went double for women. I had the urge to kill them every time I felt like I was being played, and this was everytime they talked to me. I made up my mind that I would get even. That I would make them the fools now. That I would no longer suffer from their games and manipulations. That I would be the one pulling the strings from then on out. They would pay.

No one ever saw it coming. I was genuinly nice before this point, but over night I was out to hurt. I was the biggest asshole that anyone ever knew. I still am to this day, and I regret it with everything I have. First, I fought fire with fire. I would play interested. Some of the girls that I did this to, I really was interested in. But I had bigger plans then getting in their pants. I would go out of my way to make them smile, and to make them laugh. I was 'the perfect guy' in some of their eyes. I would do this to every girls. Showing each and every one of them the exact same ammount of attention. This happen to be part of my plan. They were all friends. I got some interested right off the bat. I would such them in and play my games with them. One day, I'd give them undivided attention, like they were the only ones in the world that I cared about right at this moment. Then, I would ignore them for the next few days. Rinsing and repeating, to show them how it felt to be fucked with. I had all the bases covered from there on out. Some confronted me about it, and some were left just completely fucked up. It was working, I was hurting them, and leaving them confused. Those that confronted me about, got a 'sincere' apology and a very well thought out excuse. Then, it would happen all over again. Things couldn't have worked out better for me. I was causing 100x damage. Then, I would lay low for a while, and just be nice. Not too nice, but just nice until it was time to start the games again. Things went off without a hitch. I was pleased with what I was doing. Things couldn't have gotten any better.

Things then changed for the worse. It was no longer a game, it was who I am. I wasn't able to have a relationships if I tried. After hurting them for so long, I wanted to give up the games, and pursue what I wanted all alone. And I never got the time of day from any of them. Complete fucking backfire. There were some that I was very attracted to, and they hated me. I think in some way, they knew what I did and they would never let me live it down, they would never give me another chance to make up for what I did, even though, this time I was genuinly sorry. Word spread to all of their friends and I was the guy you didn't want to date. Or that's at least how it seemed. Complete self pwn!

Winter time. I was drowning myself in even more alcohol. Everyone still kept in touch, but things were different. This friend and I were dragging people down with us. Bringing them into our world. I feel ever so guilty for this because we corrupted a few good people. It was fantastic at the time. Nothing but drinking and mistakes that we didn't care were going on. It was the life. I was working, but just to support my habbit. And with the joining of new people into this lonely fucked up world, it made it even better. I'm going to fasteforward a little bit. One night we all had gotten carried away. I can't remember much of the night, but a lot of alcohol, and a huge mistake on my part. This girl was completely fucked up. This is the one that I had gotten rejected from. The one that was mentioned above. She didn't live but a few blocks away at the time, but she was driving, and even though I was an asshole, I wanted to make sure she got home safe. I offered to go alone with her for the ride, to make sure she got home okay. She agreed and we were headed home. I was wasted beyond any measure, and she might have been too. We pulled up infront of her house, and I was litterally dragged insde. I had no idea what was going on, and I didn't care. I was shoved down onto a bed and a toungue was stuck into mouth. Things were moving too fast for my beer drowned brain to comprehend. Like I said, not much of what went on on remember, but I do remember one thing. That it was my chance to get even. I took her virginity. I took it, and afterwards, I just left. I just got up and left. I told her that I had work in the morning, and walked home with a grin on my face. I feel so bad for what I did.... She hated me, and I hated myself. Word had gotten out, and it was chaos for a while. All the guys applauded me, all the girls hated me even more. I dissapeared for a while.


This isn't over yet.... my finger are quite tired, but there is more coming to this....

Well...how old are you, if you don't mind? Also, do you want to change your ways? It's pretty clear that you've done some awful stuff and you seem to know it. What are you asking exactly?

holy shit, too long.. I only read maybe half of that

Holy shit. We are the same ....

Except I am 17, and that is currently happening to me, at least you are out of the mess.

You are the fucking man. Keep telling your story.

Fabulous.

If that's true, I'd advise you to change your ways. You'll see why I complete it.

If that's true, I'd advise you to change your ways. You'll see why I complete it.I hang out with some "playas", but I'm the only one who isn't fucking the females of the group.

That's the only reason I started MMA and BJJ; to get rid of this unneeded rage.

Meh, I'm trying..

I thought you were going to confess that you hacked Totse.

No, not Totse. But I have hacked many other things. Like stores


See:

http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i91/O__RLY/inside2.jpg

I like it... Pretty well written. I see some aspects of myself in you; the growing up without relationships, the misplaced anger for all female-kind etc etc... I think I was terrified of rejection. So much so that I would rather just be alone and watch everyone else be happy than risk the pain/humiliation of rejection. I don't think I'm fully past it even now, and I'm 19. I usually don't have problems with girls, but there are still things that I want to do, but just can't because of this fucking mental block. Anyway, finish the story, d00d.

You are afraid of bitches, that's the only thing consistent in your post

LOL, you win for the first dumbass reply. Here's your prize, a Shut the Fuck up and Get the Fuck Out!

LOL, you win for the first dumbass reply. Here's your prize, a Shut the Fuck up and Get the Fuck Out!
An permaban too?

You had sex with only 1 chick in your entire post and felt bad about it. BITCH, be more like your buddy who really doesn't give a fuck, it's just pussy.

Murder/suicide might be your only option. If this isn't something worth dying over then you can get over it and move on. Shit happens and life isn't about who you were or what you did more so than who you are and what you will do. You're still young (I think) so take advantage of everything you've realized and change your ways for the better.

??

am i the only one who totally did not get the point of that?

honestly... are we supposed to feel bad for you? what?

you sound like some geek trying to sound badass, but it's really just pathetic. seriously. grow up man...and that's meant to be some helpful advice, not a flame.

Okay, I actually read your whole post, and highlighted your main problems.

The girls that would hit on me, and flirt were attractive. Some just straight up out of my league.

Here's your first problem: No girl is out of any man's league unless he thinks that she is. Have confidence.

I was afraid of rejection.

Why be afraid of rejection? Even if they do reject you, is it the end of the world? If she had said yes, it probably would have ended with an emotionless fuck anyways. The only time you should be afraid of rejection is if you are asking a girl to marry you.

I became self hatefull, because the voice had gotten stronger, and bolder. Telling me things like I was unnatractive, unappealing to the opposite sex, that I had nothing to offer, and that I was lesser of a man, that I would always just get passed up for a friend.

I can tell you realize this is a problem you have with yourself just by reading your post. Stop thinking that way. BE ALL YOU CAN BEEEE DAMNIT!

He turned me on to a whole new world. A world full of carelessness and drowing your pains. That's right! He turned me into the alcoholic that I am today

No, YOU turned yourself into an alcoholic, and you are just using him as your excuse.

I had the urge to kill them every time I felt like I was being played, and this was everytime they talked to me.

You weren't being played dumbass, they were just talking to you, and you got emotionally attached.

It was working, I was hurting them, and leaving them confused

And the point of this was?...... To self pwn yourself? Cause it worked. Honestly, what good could come out of doing that though?

Things then changed for the worse. It was no longer a game, it was who I am. I wasn't able to have a relationships if I tried.

You can change yourself easily. Nobody just "becomes" someone and stays that way.

There were some that I was very attracted to, and they hated me.

No, they didn't hate you. Unless they swore at you and spit on you, they just didn't "like" you that much. And you could have easily changed that by how you talked to them.

This friend and I were dragging people down with us. Bringing them into our world.

Ass.

I took her virginity. I took it, and afterwards, I just left. I just got up and left. I told her that I had work in the morning, and walked home with a grin on my face. I feel so bad for what I did....

Double ass.




What the hell is wrong with you, seriously. First you are filled with the love bug but are too shy to do anything about it, so you drown yourself in drugs and blame your problems on others. Then you try to get with girls again, but you are so messed up they don't want to be with you (stop drinking and hanging out at the skate park. You aren't 12.) Then you become this sociopath and take a girls virginity and just leave her? STOP IT.

Congratulations, you managed to take the same fucking feelings that just about everyone else in the world has and blow them into a drama fest 1000 feet wide.
However I will reserve the rest of my judgment for the second half of your post.

Really, there is not much of a point to this thread as of yet. It's not finished yet. It's not to try to get anyone to feel bad, sorry, anything. I'm just putting it out there. I know, it doesn't make sense, but it will when it's finished.

I used to be the exact same way. You had me typing out a long response, ultimately getting into my whole life story . So I erased it and put this instead .