There's a guy I would consider a best friend of mine. I've known him for many years now, there's always been an attraction there but things just never seemed to work out that way for us. He's sort of a constant in my life - even when we don't talk for months, for whatever reason, I always know things will be back to normal for us when we do get together again.

He knows I have a boyfriend and he also knows that things have been kind of 'iffy' between my boyfriend and I as of late. It seems that in knowing this, he's taken the chance to pretty much try and maul me every time he sees me [which has been happening more and more than usual. He drops by my house without notice, calls me at work, invites me over on my days off, etc...] He's made it very clear that he wants me and as much as I reject his advances he shows no signs of stopping. I've tried being nice to him and telling him that he can't pull this shit and that it's not helping my situation. He's tried kissing me 7 times in the past 10 days and whenever we're hanging out he's always sitting extremely close and trying to put his arms around me and touch me, which are things he's never done before.

His actions are slightly bothersome and shocking to me and I'm honestly a little disappointed. I've never known him to be so aggressive and one of the reasons I've always gotten along with him is because he's more sensitive to other people's feelings and their situations. It's like a switch has been flipped and he's become a completely different person. He never acted like this with me when I was single so I don't understand what's brought on this sudden bout of confidence. He seems very strong in his belief that he WILL sway me into breaking up with my boyfriend.

I'm not sure if I should just cut off contact with him. This is someone that I've always been considerably close with and have seen as a great friend for a long time. Knowing how things have been with my boyfriend though, I don't want to have this temptation and I know it would be a lot easier if he would just stop coming onto me so much and not really giving a shit about the way things are right now.

I'd like some advice please.

Too long/didn't read version - My best friend knows things are shaky between my current boyfriend and I. He's recently started coming onto me and made it clear that he's interested and believes he can sway me to break up with my boyfriend. I don't want to break off contact with my best friend because we've always been very close and this sudden behaviour is not like him at all.

Easy to follow steps:
1. Remind the friend that you are still friends and only friends. Trust me I know its crappy to be just the "friend" but its nicer to let him down gently than it is to shoot him down.

2. Tell him that you need a bit of space and that he should step back.

3. Talk to your boyfriend! Work on your issues at least that way it will send a clear message to Mr. Eager Hands that he doesnt have a shot.

4. Ask him to speak up.

My theory is that he's feeling a bit desperate and thinks that he knows you better than certain random guy, so he's relying on the fact that he's already in your good books to further his agenda, which is trying to date you/get in your pants. Pretty much unless you tell him bluntly he'll continue to be like an eager dog constantly trying to hump your leg, trying to get closer to you. Some people (him) don't learn these things early so unfortunately youre gonna have to break the bad news to him. That all he's doing is driving a wedge into your friendship.

On a final note to many guys think they can befriend someone then eventually through badgering it will grow into more.

Thank you, that's very appreciated. I feel like I DO need to punch him in the side of the head to get through to him, it seems to be a completely different guy I'm dealing with here. Maybe I will have to be a bit more blunt. I hate the thought of losing him as a friend, especially over a guy that sometimes I'm not sure things will last with.

I'll try what you said though. It seems like it ought to work.

Dude, I'd really just go ahead and tell him to fuck off.

By saying he's your bestfriend when he's hitting on you behind your boyfriend's back just makes you a bad partner. Imagine what you'd think if your boyfriend was in your situation? You'd be pretty pissed.

Get rid of the "best" friend.

Yeah I'm not sure I ever thought to look at it that way... I know myself that I would never do anything, but I can only imagine how it would look or sound to my boyfriend and I'd definitely have an issue with it if one of his girl friends was doing the same thing and he let it happen... Thanks for the different perspective. I'm probably going to talk to him about it the next time he's here. As much as I adore him, it's not really fair what he's doing and I shouldn't be letting it happen out of respect for my boyfriend.

He's tried kissing me 7 times in the past 10 days and whenever we're hanging out he's always sitting extremely close and trying to put his arms around me and touch me, which are things he's never done before.

His actions are slightly bothersome and shocking to me and I'm honestly a little disappointed.

Huh. I think you should be more bothered.
Tell him to cut the shit. Being nice shouldn't be a huge issue after the 7th time in 10 days, what the hell. I doubt he'll stop being your friend if you lay down the law. Some shit is jsut not appropriate and anyone with some good sense should know it. If he doesn't have that sense he's a waste of a friend.

If he's such a constant in your life, he will remain a constant after being shot down. Tell him he's unattractive and you only see him as a friend, nor could you ever see him as more.

Problem solved.

fuck him and see where it goes....you have the power.

Huh. I think you should be more bothered.
Tell him to cut the shit. Being nice shouldn't be a huge issue after the 7th time in 10 days, what the hell. I doubt he'll stop being your friend if you lay down the law. Some shit is jsut not appropriate and anyone with some good sense should know it. If he doesn't have that sense he's a waste of a friend.

See, I consider myself more laid-back and friendly, and some touching is ok but I've NEVER crossed a line, which I feel he's doing. I usually like to give people the benefit of the doubt and lately I feel like he's just taking advantage of the fact that I can be more forgiving towards people. I appreciate the advice.

If he's such a constant in your life, he will remain a constant after being shot down. Tell him he's unattractive and you only see him as a friend, nor could you ever see him as more.

Problem solved.

Thanks :) I don't want to hurt his feelings so maybe I won't tell him he's unattractive to me, unless you feel that's REALLY the only way to get him to back off? I might try and sit him down and have a more serious talk the next time he pulls anything, maybe forcefully let him know he's being inappropriate.

When you lay down the line for him, tell him you're afraid of having to lose your friendship over this.

If he values your friendship as much as you seem to, that should at least set off alert bells in his head that his actions (if they continue) will have undesired consequences for him.

sorry but thats shit advice; heres why.

youre only paying attention to some of the OP, if you you were freinds with someone for years and years, and best freinds at that, are you going to just fucking cut them off JUST LIKE THAT?

Is that what people do?

No no you made a mistake, aw you tried some to kiss me im going to abandon YEARS of friendship over this.

NO people dont do this, PAY MORE FUCKING ATTENTION, this is not some random guy she just met and thought she he was cool.

anyway, it seems to me that when you say "this isn't the guy i know" that this can be true, obviously for some reason he has become infactuated with you, even more probably he was always or has been for some time infactuated with you, but has been supressing these emotions, if that were the case then every time he is with you (which is alot if he is a constant in your life) everything that he loves about you and is infactuated about accumulates and compounds, it wasnt and isnt going to go away by just wishing it away, it needs to be dealt with.

I dont know if you could ever want to be with him or if there is any remote chance of that happening, but i do know alot of the qualities of freindship are whats needed in a romantic relationship to last (talking tiil death do us part). Whether there is room for romance or not you need to make it clear this is not a good time, and if you just want to be freinds you will have to tell him that.

just btw i never read any gender specific personal pronouns relating to you,

is this just a coincidence or are you really a gay dude asking for advice about your fagget fuck buddy?

:p

your fucked

he obviously wants more than your willing to give him and something has to change. it goes one of 2 ways either:
1. you give it a shot with him and see where it goes (sounds like this isn't an option you wanna take though)
or
2. your friendship dies because you can never give him what he wants and seeing you with someone else tears him up too the point where a friendship is no longer possible

if he's really persistent and convinced that things will work out no matter what you say then he might stay around and take a shot at it every now and then but of course then your gonna have to put your foot down again and eventually cut him out of your life.

either way this friendship is screwed, its the ladder theory/abyss at its prime

yeah... I've seen stuff like this happen before. The good thing is that you are aware of it.

I'm pretty sure that your good friend has liked you for a long time. He might have even become your friend initially because he liked you, and unfortunately for him he kind of got stuck as a friend. And now he finally sees his chance. Now I'm not saying that he isn't a good friend or that your friendship with him hasn't been meaningful.

I'd agree with the other posters, you are going to have to tell him straight up that you just want to be friends. If he keeps being heavy handed about it, just don't hang out with him for a bit.

Now it's up to you if you still want to be friends with this guy. Not even saying it's a bad thing but you'll just have to accept that he likes you, at least for a while. He might get over you with time

sorry but thats shit advice; heres why.

youre only paying attention to some of the OP, if you you were freinds with someone for years and years, and best freinds at that, are you going to just fucking cut them off JUST LIKE THAT?

Is that what people do?

No no you made a mistake, aw you tried some to kiss me im going to abandon YEARS of friendship over this.

NO people dont do this, PAY MORE FUCKING ATTENTION, this is not some random guy she just met and thought she he was cool.

anyway, it seems to me that when you say "this isn't the guy i know" that this can be true, obviously for some reason he has become infactuated with you, even more probably he was always or has been for some time infactuated with you, but has been supressing these emotions, if that were the case then every time he is with you (which is alot if he is a constant in your life) everything that he loves about you and is infactuated about accumulates and compounds, it wasnt and isnt going to go away by just wishing it away, it needs to be dealt with.

I dont know if you could ever want to be with him or if there is any remote chance of that happening, but i do know alot of the qualities of freindship are whats needed in a romantic relationship to last (talking tiil death do us part). Whether there is room for romance or not you need to make it clear this is not a good time, and if you just want to be freinds you will have to tell him that.

just btw i never read any gender specific personal pronouns relating to you,

is this just a coincidence or are you really a gay dude asking for advice about your fagget fuck buddy?

:p

Thanks for the great advice, and no I'm a girl :) You're right that I'm not willing to just throw away his friendship. He's someone I've grown to love [in a way] and a part of me really thinks that if he had done this 6 months ago I would have been all for it. The timing is all off, is really the case. At the same time though, I've told myself that I want to give my boyfriend a chance and be sensitive to what he's going through [which are the things that have been making our relationship kind of rocky at the moment] rather than just break up with him. As much as we care about each other I don't feel as though we're as serious about each other yet. I'd like to give it time because I can really see myself staying with this guy if things settle down. Like I said I'm just going to have to be straight forward with my friend. I'm not sure how to word things though... I don't want to string him along. I don't want to say 'Now is not the time' or something because then he'll most likely end up thinking that if he waits long enough or tries harder things might happen. But I don't want to say 'Back off or I'm done with the friendship' because then I could potentially be losing a really great friend that means more to me than most people.

This whole situation makes me feel like a mentally challenged monkey...

do women actually realise men, unless ther r gay, will pretend to be great friends to a hot girl so they can try and fuck them.

it makes me sick seeing men do this.

it makes me sick seeing men do this.[/QUOTE]

yeah i dunno i kind of do it, i think sub-conciusly. that is i look for physical buety in female freinds, despite this being an irrelevant component of friendships, i certainly dont pick male freinds based on this. On the flip side of this i stereo type hot chicks automatically into being disingenuous and fake, who only seek superficial and artificial qualities in others because that is all they are, whereas i see "uglier" or less attractive chick as being humble, interesting, caring and most importantly Zealous about important shit. This stereotype is deserved to a certain extent.

Sorry for going off topic but this is relevant.

Alot of my friends (and i know some guys might cringe when i say this) are really cool and if things had been different and they had been incarnated in a female body then i would probably fuck them ( i dont say that to myself when i think of them, like yeah id fuck you if you where a girl, its not like that because its grose, its hard to articulate what i really mean).

What im saying is if you were a guy then none of this would happen, i suppose in reality its complex saying that this person is meant for me and this person isnt, thats not my call what i will call is that this is probably pure infactuation, nothing has developed sexually or intamatly between you (i.. think..) so really its just all in his head (which real love isnt, despite it being intangible).

He simply is having trouble dissociating what he loves about you and your personality from your body and your sexuality, as i said before i fuckin do it aswell, but when your infactuated its like your fuckin high, especially if you have a good imagination, you could say its more insatiable than love because of the mystery, mystery results in curiosity and that is such a powerful emotion. I dont really know why im writing this, i certainly a not qualified to because ive never really been in this situation before and therefore have the wisdom that comes form going through it, but i did have one experience when i was younger, i think it was my first infactuation and i was really young and immature back then, it was ammazing what a big deal i made over nothing.

My parents went overseas for a week and i was staying at my good freind Toby's house for a week. I was in 5th form (15) and on my second day at his house that a girl ( fuck i cant even remember her name man) from Australia who was one of his relatives came over for a holiday and some other reason, never the less she was there for a while. I dont know what it was but we naturally spent time with each other being in the same house (there was my brother, toby, and his 2 sisters aswell as the parents). And we didnt neccacarly spend any intamate or moments with jsut the two of us, more group activities, but as time progressed it became known to the group that she had grown fond of me (you know how chickz gossip). Ah and also now that i remember the 2 sisters had freinds over too and one of them liked toby aswell so yeah :p. We were both pretty shy and never really did anything or openly talked about how much we liekd each other but shed say shit like how she really liked my long hair and it was pretty and sort of flurt with me, although it wasnt always obvius she liked me. She was experienced with other guys so i dont know how much she really liked me but never the less by the end of the week i was to infactuated the reality that was always in the back of my mind that i would have to go home and so would she, i thought about trying to keep in touch, but that would only hurt me. I went home and just got depressed about shit for a week, with her lingering in my mind for a while, i dont know if i portrayed my infatuation well but i basically fell in love with seomone and i didnt even know shit abot them , i was 15 it wasnt real love, but it was powerful man.This happened to me again when i was 18 and it was even worse it went on for months before i asked her out and she just fukin shut me down cus she was all upset about ehr ex who took her virginity and shit, and thats a whole different story but basically i was at her batch for three days and i wsa basically drunk + hungover+stoned+depressed+confused all at the same time but there where other ppl there so i just partied... she just wanted to be mates and i hardly talked with her the whole time cus im socially handicapped ( especially around women).

Anyway point is you need to understand where he is coming from man.

There's a guy I would consider a best friend of mine. I've known him for many years now, there's always been an attraction there but things just never seemed to work out that way for us

Maybe he's always liked you and...


one of the reasons I've always gotten along with him is because he's more sensitive to other people's feelings and their situations. It's like a switch has been flipped and he's become a completely different person.


Maybe he's realised that being the sensitive one to other peoples feelings and situations doesn't get you a relationship, it gets you a friendship


Just puttin it out there...

Men are fucking imbeciles, you have to be brutally clear and direct or he will keep doing it. Even entertaining the idea for a second before you tell him no will egg him on and make him think there's hope. Maybe he thinks this is his chance to "save" you from your boyfriend and finally get some justice, we can only speculate because we don't have that much info but this might be it.

Look, watch some Chris Rock, and get thru your head that men cannot find a girl fun to be around and pleasing to the eye and not want to be with them. Unless they are with someone else who they find even better, or know such people, they are always going to want to pursue you.

Not that they nec will, as many, like I was for many years, are too pussy to do this. Easy to hit on girls you don't give a shit about, but when you actually have regard for them, the stakes are raised. And so the 'friend zone' emerges. Truly as Rabbi Chris rock says, every single female platonic firend I have is because I wanted her and fucked up or lost my nerve somehow.

I have been where you are, with sex's reversed (which would take a while to explain), with my female 'best friend' eventually pulling me from a girlfriend, then pulling my guts out and setting fire to them. I tell you now Your 'friend' has always wanted more, and from the sound of it your have been aware of this and even felt a little like this toward him. But this is an incredibly crule position for him to be in, because of the diffrent ways you relate.

To you, he's such a good friend that 'maybe, who knows, you never know' and so on.
To him, you are probibly the one. Or damn close.

To be hounist, him being your friend is living a lie, and if he values himself he should cut off from you and try to find someone else who he can love as much as you. I understand that that is hard, and that you want to keep this old friend in your life, but as long as he is this close to you, he will be causing himself a hell of a lot of angst.

Sorry, it's just the way most of us work.

lol his best friend, his pooch

Oh no. But she is a bitch.

But you can't get bitter.
Cause then the cunt wins

your boyfriend/girlfriend should be your best friend,
my mother told me the best relationships start as friendships its kinda like in the old days when people didnt have sex on the first date, you dated a girl to see if your personalities meshed and you could be happy sharing your life that person, that way you didnt end up with someone that was great in bed but you couldnt stand any other time.


---not saying you should date this guy, just giving you some insight on his motivations
--ps you getting a (shaky) boyfriend is a motivation for him to hit on you because it shows him that you dont get what he is trying to accomplish, so he is trying a different way

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way.

This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you.

But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Word.

I really appreciate everyone's advice, thanks... You guys have really given me a lot of great insight into what he's possibly thinking. When I see him next I'm just going to let him know that I am in this relationship and that things can not happen between us and he needs to accept it. I won't use phrases like 'Not right now' or 'Wrong timing' or anything like that.

Thanks again guys. :D

All you have to do is this:

When you're together, casually fit into the conversation that you and your boyfriend had ridiculous makeup sex last night and talked for hours and things are better than ever.

If he's still all over you, tell him if he keeps doing it you're going to have to stop hanging out with him.

i think you should get on your knees and suck his dick maybe?

Thanks for the great advice, and no I'm a girl :) You're right that I'm not willing to just throw away his friendship. He's someone I've grown to love [in a way] and a part of me really thinks that if he had done this 6 months ago I would have been all for it. The timing is all off, is really the case. At the same time though, I've told myself that I want to give my boyfriend a chance and be sensitive to what he's going through [which are the things that have been making our relationship kind of rocky at the moment] rather than just break up with him. As much as we care about each other I don't feel as though we're as serious about each other yet. I'd like to give it time because I can really see myself staying with this guy if things settle down. Like I said I'm just going to have to be straight forward with my friend. I'm not sure how to word things though... I don't want to string him along. I don't want to say 'Now is not the time' or something because then he'll most likely end up thinking that if he waits long enough or tries harder things might happen. But I don't want to say 'Back off or I'm done with the friendship' because then I could potentially be losing a really great friend that means more to me than most people.

This whole situation makes me feel like a mentally challenged monkey...

Tell him straight up how you feel and go from there. If he is a true friend he will understand.

my problem is exactly the opposite of yours. I am the one being flirtatious and my best friend had to finally tell me to settle down. Its been tough, but I'm working more on the friendship now than seducing the poor guy

I think that you should go out with your best friend.

I mean, if you're best friends, you enjoy being with him, right?

I think you would have a lot of fun :)

I think your just being a cunt.

Fuck the poor guy , come on whore.

Lucky I wasn't your best friend , I'll just fucking bash your face against the concrete floor. Then I would just take that shittyhole.

if you are going ahead with one of the prvious suggested plans good for you however beeing a male and haveing been in a similar situation i ask you to be easy on the poor guy if he's doing it either he's been feeling like that about you for a long time or he may be looking for a friends with benefits situation, at least those are my guesses and if you hurt him now well you may lose him altoghter just make him understand it can never be altrenatively you may wish to actually see if it may really be between the two of you...
you never know

This fool gonna kill you , yo.

There's a guy I would consider a best friend of mine. I've known him for many years now, there's always been an attraction there but things just never seemed to work out that way for us. He's sort of a constant in my life - even when we don't talk for months, for whatever reason, I always know things will be back to normal for us when we do get together again.

He knows I have a boyfriend and he also knows that things have been kind of 'iffy' between my boyfriend and I as of late. It seems that in knowing this, he's taken the chance to pretty much try and maul me every time he sees me[ which has been happening more and more than usual. He drops by my house without notice, calls me at work, invites me over on my days off, etc...] He's made it very clear that he wants me and as much as I reject his advances he shows no signs of stopping. I've tried being nice to him and telling him that he can't pull this shit and that it's not helping my situation. He's tried kissing me 7 times in the past 10 days and whenever we're hanging out he's always sitting extremely close and trying to put his arms around me and touch me, which are things he's never done before.

His actions are slightly bothersome and shocking to me and I'm honestly a little disappointed. I've never known him to be so aggressive and one of the reasons I've always gotten along with him is because he's more sensitive to other people's feelings and their situations. It's like a switch has been flipped and he's become a completely different person. He never acted like this with me when I was single so I don't understand what's brought on this sudden bout of confidence. He seems very strong in his belief that he WILL sway me into breaking up with my boyfriend.

I'm not sure if I should just cut off contact with him. This is someone that I've always been considerably close with and have seen as a great friend for a long time. Knowing how things have been with my boyfriend though, I don't want to have this temptation and I know it would be a lot easier if he would just stop coming onto me so much and not really giving a shit about the way things are right now.

I'd like some advice please.

Too long/didn't read version - My best friend knows things are shaky between my current boyfriend and I. He's recently started coming onto me and made it clear that he's interested and believes he can sway me to break up with my boyfriend. I don't want to break off contact with my best friend because we've always been very close and this sudden behaviour is not like him at all.

I put the important parts in bold. The funny thing about what people say, is that the truth always comes out in their words.

Sounds to me like you don't think things are going to last with your BF, and you're right, because whatever we believe often becomes are reality, fabricated or not. What you're also asking us, is how do you tell your friend that you're attracted to, to ease off for now, but not completely. I think you know that you are going to leave your BF, but don't want to be the girl to leave for your best friend. You're worried how it will make you look, and I have the feeling you are with your current BF because of looks too. However, before your friend never seemed to show interest, and now that he has, you're tempted to go to him. In my opinion, you actually do want to be with your friend because he gives you everything you ever wanted. I think because your current BF is obviously not your type, and you're only sticking with him for girly stupid reasons, you should be honest and dump him. Wait a short while, and then start dating your friend, because he's obviously the one you want.

Quit lying to totse. Figuring out a way to keep your best friend at bay, but keeping him around until things fall apart completely, isn't right. Maybe you should realize your best friend is acting in your best interest, and make the decision to be with him, cause it's obviously what you both want anyways. Stop your stupid games, or you're going to end up with nothing, or in a relationship that isn't fulfilling.

I put the important parts in bold. The funny thing about what people say, is that the truth always comes out in their words.

Sounds to me like you don't think things are going to last with your BF, and you're right, because whatever we believe often becomes are reality, fabricated or not. What you're also asking us, is how do you tell your friend that you're attracted to, to ease off for now, but not completely. I think you know that you are going to leave your BF, but don't want to be the girl to leave for your best friend. You're worried how it will make you look, and I have the feeling you are with your current BF because of looks too. However, before your friend never seemed to show interest, and now that he has, you're tempted to go to him. In my opinion, you actually do want to be with your friend because he gives you everything you ever wanted. I think because your current BF is obviously not your type, and you're only sticking with him for girly stupid reasons, you should be honest and dump him. Wait a short while, and then start dating your friend, because he's obviously the one you want.

Quit lying to totse. Figuring out a way to keep your best friend at bay, but keeping him around until things fall apart completely, isn't right. Maybe you should realize your best friend is acting in your best interest, and make the decision to be with him, cause it's obviously what you both want anyways. Stop your stupid games, or you're going to end up with nothing, or in a relationship that isn't fulfilling.

The chemistry doesnt last forever.

By the sounds of it though, this friend will, and if you've always been close, I imagine chemistry would'nt have trouble brewing between you.

Than again, I am being sorta preachy...