I was cheated on once, and because of that I'm completely incapable of absolute trust. Every answer totse gives me is usually "If you can't trust her, there's no point being together" or "break up with her if you don't trust her". Well, I can't, or I'll have to be single for ever.

So what can I do?

I've been away from my girlfriend for quite a while, we took a 4 month break (travel on both our parts). While I was away she got quite close to, and even kissed (how many times I'm unsure about) one of her friends. She has made it very clear that there is nothing between them now, that she likes him as a person but is not attracted to him (although it's very obvious she would find him physically attractive) and that she loves and wants me. She's even said she will kick him out of her life if it means she can be with me.

Thing is, I don't trust her and I trust the guy even less. I'd trust her a lot more if she did get rid of this guy but I know this is a dick move on my behalf. So what do I do? Set limits on what her interaction with the guy is? Just relax and not care? Pretend for her sake that everything is fine and that I trust her totally?

Fuck her, fuck him and fuck my trust issues.

It's a difficult thing when given the option in a relationship to have your partner lose a "friend", as you feel like you're controlling their choices and that's never a good place to be in.

The relationship will never be great on your part since you can't trust her fully, as that's a huge part of a relationship.

I had my trust broken in my last relationship and I can see it affecting my current one. As hard as I try to believe he won't hurt me, I'm afraid to let my guard down in case it happens again.

You need to talk to her properly and find out how she'd HONESTLY feel about dropping this guy as a friend. Voice how you feel and see her reaction to this. Then you can decide where to go.

Good luck :)

Don't let your guard down, He IS going to leave you, it's just a matter of time.

Why thank you

You need to talk to her properly and find out how she'd HONESTLY feel about dropping this guy as a friend. Voice how you feel and see her reaction to this. Then you can decide where to go.

Good luck :)

Well I think communication is key, which is why I already spoke about it a while ago. Her response was:

"it would suck to get rid of him because he is a great person. But your happiness is more important to me".

Why thank you

Not like you didn't know it, not like you all don't know it.

Well I think communication is key, which is why I already spoke about it a while ago. Her response was:

"it would suck to get rid of him because he is a great person. But your happiness is more important to me".

Do you think she meant that? Or was she just saying that in hope that you wouldn't in fact ask her to get rid of him?

Means it. We're very in love. But at the end of the day, she is a woman and women are prone to following their emotions. No matter how good things are between us an outside source can always stimulate a sense of excitement and something dangerous. Women love that shit. OH I just remembered, she lied about kissing him when I asked. Lied lots. She only came clean when I became very suspicious.

This goes for us guys a lot of the time too.

You see, I don't believe that. I believe women only cheat when there's something wrong or something missing in their relationship.

If she's having to lie about stuff to you, especially stuff that matters, then imo she's not worth the time of day.

It's difficult when you love someone as much as you seem to, but you're going to end up hurt. More so in fact.

fuck her and dump her
=]

It wouldn't be a dick move for you to tell her you don't want her hanging out with that guy anymore. It'd be a dick move if the only reason was just because he's an attractive man, but if they're kissing and getting physical, and she's lied about it, then fuck her, you know...

EDIT: Why the fuck does it say that I have a post count of three? It should be in the thousands. I haven't been on totse for awhile, has something messed up?

Uhm, she likes this guy and lies about kissing him. Like... This thread should be dead? If she was in love she would never have done that shit and she wouldn't need to lie to you. Sorry pal.

http://www.totse.com/community/showthread.php?t=2170431

http://www.totse.com/community/showthread.php?t=2170431

Well, that sucks. Thanks for the link.

Accepting the fact that you don't trust her and finding a healthy outlet for that distrust could help. Is there anything you're doing that you can "work out" your negative feelings?

Trust is a tricky beast. You have to accept that she cares about you and wants you to be happy; however, she has to realize that this happiness is dependent upon her honesty. That your relationship will be stronger if she tells the truth.

Try presenting trust to her in a WIIFM format. That stands for "What's In It For Me". It might help if you focus on how trust will benefit her and the relationship, rather than yourself.

You can replace the word trust with "confidence in someone else".

^^ But how's he supposed to have confidence in a liar and a cheat?

I've never known how to properly deal with trust issues. The conclusion I've come up with is that I'll never be able to trust someone completely, unless they were perfect. Perfect people, however, don't exist. People lie, they fuck up, they do stupid things, and it's just something you have to learn to deal with if you ever want to be happy. It all depends on how much crap you're willing to put up with. If you love someone enough to deal with them screwing up over and over again, and to constantly having feels of jealousy, anger, frustration, etc. towards them, but always forgive them in the end, good for you. I call people like that idiots, but maybe they're happy. If you can't put up with that though, find someone else. And always be prepared to look at yourself critically, because maybe you make the same mistakes and just don't want to admit it, which is why you attract such people in the first place and why you put up with it for so long.

Arquin, don't pretend everything is fine. That will make it worse. And don't give ultimatums, even if she's willing to give in. She'll resent you for it eventually, and you'll regret it. You have to decide if you can be happy with her as she is, because it's likely she'll never change.

I see 'trust' in a more abstract fashion. It's like, the truth will come out, one way or another. Sooner or later, in seemingly every situation, we must eventually face reality, and it can't be avoided despite any of our best wishes. Things will just be as they are, and sometimes trying to swim against the current just acts against us. Though sometimes it's useful, as well... I just think not as much as it isn't. It's best to conserve energy so you can put it forth with a sort of focus whatever.

Sometimes people have to yank the wool off our eyes yourself after being intentionally deceieved by someone else. Sometimes we pull the wool over our own eyes, as well. So you can reduce it to two questions: Do you feel you can trust your partner? What about your own judgement of your situation?

Whatever the case, I just have faith that the truth will come out, eventually. Chances are I won't be able to significantly change the outcome, despite whatever thought I may put into it. Some things can't really be held onto at all. You can show them that you care and that you feel devotion towards them, and maybe some other things, but even still it tends to come down to just trusting their judgement and the effect or bond you're able to create with them. I mean, what about death? Unless you're able to die with your partner as well, even the best relationships are fated for some kind of separation, eventually. It just becomes a question of when and in what way.

Maybe trust is just having faith that your affection isn't misplaced? I've never felt a strong need to hold on to people. A part of me was always kind of philosophically removed. Like I'll do my best to make it work, or whatever, in an honest and contructive fashion... and if it doesn't work, then I suppose it wasn't meant to?

If you feel as if you're being deceived (and unless otherwise prone to unrealistic thinking) then you might be. You might also be kind of jaded from your past experiences, which would be understandable. Other than that, I don't really know what else to say.

With the guy, you tell her to not communicate with him. If you "set limits" you seem week to her, if you say "i don't care" and try to act all not-jelous, she will probally just cheat on you with him. Why else would she keep him in her life? Men and women can't be "friends." There are very few exceptions to this rule. There are NO exceptions to "men and women who have hooked up can't be friends." One time my girlfriend asked me if I minded if she saw her ex boyfriend to talk to him. I asked Totse for advice and some people said "you shouldn't care fag" and some said "don't let that bitch talk to her." I told her to cut off all communication or I would break it. There is no reason for you to associate with your ex, what the fuck are you thinking? I haven't had a problem sence.

As for the whole trust issue..

I am pretty much 75% trusting of my gf now. I use to be at 5%. You just have to..do it kind of. Instead of trying to change your attitudes by forcing your mind to trust her, just act like you trust her, and you will eventually fall into that mindframe.

You really shouldn't fully trust her, anyways.

BTW, girls like it when you are jelous of them. They really don't like that guy who doesn't care what they do where they are who they are with. They want a man to think they are hot and worth something. If you didn't worry about her cheating on you, its because she isn't attractive enough to get anything (that is how a female thinks).

I was cheated on once, and because of that I'm completely incapable of absolute trust. Every answer totse gives me is usually "If you can't trust her, there's no point being together" or "break up with her if you don't trust her". Well, I can't, or I'll have to be single for ever.

So what can I do?

I've been away from my girlfriend for quite a while, we took a 4 month break (travel on both our parts). While I was away she got quite close to, and even kissed (how many times I'm unsure about) one of her friends. She has made it very clear that there is nothing between them now, that she likes him as a person but is not attracted to him (although it's very obvious she would find him physically attractive) and that she loves and wants me. She's even said she will kick him out of her life if it means she can be with me.

Thing is, I don't trust her and I trust the guy even less. I'd trust her a lot more if she did get rid of this guy but I know this is a dick move on my behalf. So what do I do? Set limits on what her interaction with the guy is? Just relax and not care? Pretend for her sake that everything is fine and that I trust her totally?

My her, fuck him and fuck my trust issues.

People who find people untrustworthy, are usually un-trustworty themselves. The solution is to read David J Lieberman's stuff, it's pretty good, developing a lie-detector is a great tool. When people know you can catch them out, they're usually much more honest with you.
Hope that helps.

They would have to build it up over time. That's one of the reasons that relationships take time.

People who find people untrustworthy, are usually un-trustworty themselves.

I used to be untrustworthy. I used to lie about drugs. I don't do drugs any more and I've never cheated, come close to cheating or ever will. It's not in my nature and I think loyalty is one of the most valuable and important traits.

On a side note, something you guys need to take into consideration is that she did nothing wrong by kissing that guy. I dumped her and moved to another country. She was pretty torn up about it and one of her male friends comforted her and they kissed at a club. No crime there. The crime was when on my 21st birthday I decided to ring home, and asked, she said "No, haven't kissed any one". This is where it gets tricky, she tried to justify lying by saying "I love you, why would I ruin your 21st birthday and tell you I kissed some one". Euda pointed out that she 'lies to protect me', which is fucked up because if she thinks she's actually doing me favors by lying, there's no recovery.

The reason I want to fix this, as opposed to just dumping her, is that over the past months, living in a ski resort, being around like minded people, I still did not meet a single girl who came close to her. Not one. I met awesome girls who I just couldn't feel attracted to. I also met attractive girls who I couldn't stand being around for more than a minute. But no one like her, no one came close. She's absolutely amazing and if I can fix my trust issues with this girl, one day she will be the one I want to marry.

It's going to sting like a bitch if it turns out I can't fix it.

Is there anything you're doing that you can "work out" your negative feelings?

Trust is a tricky beast. You have to accept that she cares about you and wants you to be happy; however, she has to realize that this happiness is dependent upon her honesty. That your relationship will be stronger if she tells the truth.

Try presenting trust to her in a WIIFM format. That stands for "What's In It For Me". It might help if you focus on how trust will benefit her and the relationship, rather than yourself.

Outlets? Well would the gym + swimming count as outlets? I'm pretty keen to get started again.

Also I think I might do that, let her know that my happiness is dependent on honesty. If she lies to save my feelings, I'll explain to her that being worried, paranoid and untrusting for days is much more harmful to me than being hurt for 10 minutes because of brutal honesty.

btw, can you go into a little more detail about wiifm and what it actually should do?

She's even said she will kick him out of her life if it means she can be with me.

So make her do it. Make her prove she cares, brosef.

So make her do it. Make her prove she cares, brosef.

she shouldn't have to prove it




Anyways, arquin, i can offer you no help but i know how you feel. I'm always paranoid as fuck. One day, i decided if i love someone, i just make a leap of faith and trust 'm completly. Sure i can be wrong, but the insecurity of not trusting m in the end does me more damage. I understand for you it ain't as easy as just making a leap of faith.. but maybe if you love her and want it to work long term, you should consider it

trust- hard to earn, easy as shit to destroy, and impossible to regain...

Instead of trying to explain all this shit, would it just be easier if I showed her this thread?

Good/bad idea?

im the same, all you do, is ................TRUST HER. It's seriously not even that difficult to trust someone but at the same time know that people do make mistakes, and remember not to be paranoid that this girl is trying to pull one over on you!!

Trust, itself, if highly misunderstood. It's easier for me to look at it as a trust in sort of legal terms. What are you sure she would do for the relationship, and are sure you would do? What is the agreement, the understanding of who can carry which responsibilities? Who is expected to bring what, and is each person capable of providing these things more often than not?

I was once with this girl, the trust I had with her was simple: We fuck each other, nobody else. This trust was broken, she couldn't keep her half of it. She needs to fuck a different person because she gets bored with fucking the same person. I don't. The trust we had failed her needs. I took it personal for several months. Honest discussion revealed that she had been like that for quite some time, and that it had nothing to do with me.

Now, in forging a new trust, all things had to be considered: If I am in a trust meant to foster a romantic relationship, I need monogamy to be one of the terms. She needs that term to be excluded from the trust. The conclusion is that a romantic trust is not possible between us. From there, it was then a matter of coming to a new trust meant to foster a respectful relationship. In this case, a romantic relationship is not possible, neither was a close friendship; the new trust between us fosters little more than a friendly acquaintance, but neither of us hurt the other or betray the trust we have with each other now.

Arquin: Talk to your girl; find out what she needs from a relationship with you, lay out what you need from her, figure out what each of you can actually give to each other; come to an understanding and agreement based around what you are capable of in order to form a new trust to replace the broken trust of old.

Fuck that mate.

She kissed another guy. And it meant nothing. Why do it in the first place when she knows it could jeopardise a relationship with someone she loves?
She sounds like a mind fuck to be honest.
In addition to that, she can apparently drop someone for someone else. Fair enough. But who's to say it won't be you next time?

Knowing that your regular options are trust her or leave her, I'll venture a new option...
It's called detaching. It can take time if you're trying to attain this mental state...Or it will just happen without you even knowing like it did to me.
It's a mental state where you just don't really care. Like you have a shield around you that stops you getting very close to someone and not letting them hurt you. You enjoy the positive attributes of a situation and fuck the negative because it really doesn't matter anyway.

With time you can achieve it but beware it can become very hard to discard when you find someone you actually love who loves you. Keep yourself on the razor's edge and you can drop it when the time is right.

Whatever happens though, I hope you'll be okay mate.

Outlets? Well would the gym + swimming count as outlets? I'm pretty keen to get started again.

Also I think I might do that, let her know that my happiness is dependent on honesty. If she lies to save my feelings, I'll explain to her that being worried, paranoid and untrusting for days is much more harmful to me than being hurt for 10 minutes because of brutal honesty.

btw, can you go into a little more detail about wiifm and what it actually should do?

Yes, swimming and the gym can be a good outlet, if you feel better afterwards. If it moves you into a more positive mindset and doesn't have a negative impact, then it's a good outlet. It's just anything that allows you to let go of your negative feelings and move forward.

WIIFM: You're basically selling her on the benefits of being honest. It should allow her to see the positive impact that honesty will have on her and her relationship. You're taking yourself out of the equation and focusing on what it will do for her. It should show her that she'll be happier with you, and herself, if she's honest. Basically, it feeds into self-interest. A good lead in is talking about what she wants out of the relationship and continuing to focus on her and how things can progress.

http://www.totse.com/community/showthread.php?t=2183129

Lulz