Ehh, never thought I'd want relationship advice from totse. But I have some matters I would like your opinion on. It will be long, I apologize

I am 18 years old and a virgin, never had any relationship. I have seen potential relationships through out most my life, but I have never had real interest in any girl other than sex. With the exception of one girl. This girl amazes me, we hold the same exact spiritual views, and very similar views on all sorts of things.

We have both liked each other for about a year, during which time she has been with two of my friends. After she broke up with my one friend, it was obvious to me that she was interested in me. I couldn't do that to my friend though. I was still considering it, when my other other friend let me know they were going out. The girl still made clear to me that she wanted to hang out, and i asked, but aren't you going out with him? And she said no. I backed out, not wanting to ruin my friendship.

All through their relationship I became increasingly aware of how poorly he treated her. Her and I got along amazingly while they were together, when we would talk it was like we were seeing the world clearly, like one mind, we would merge and just have the best time together. As it became clear to me that he was not treating to her right, I decided to go to her school 3 hours away, and tell her how I felt. It turns out, my friend had basically raped her repeatedly, when she didn't want to have sex, it didn't matter, and nothing she ever said mattered, he made her feel worthless. We agreed on everything, and while she said she would need some time to recover, she really did want to be in a relationship with me. All through september we talked everyday. With out a doubt it was love. No flirty games, just us being ourselves and being completely amazed by the other person.

In early october, I went down to visit her, and it was just off, we didn't really talk, and when we did, it felt forced. This really got to me, I took it personally, because in person she just put out the coldest vibes. And really, I can't just be my self around her any more, she makes me feel anxious, and like everything i am doing is wrong. She convinced me that everything was fine, and we hung out again, we dropped acid, and while her distance bothered me, i talked to her about it and it went away, we had a really good night together, just talking. The weekend of the 17th of october, i went down to visit her, and we both got really high, and were really distant, i felt like she was judging me constantly, and i just couldn't be myself. It hurt, but I figured I was working through it and we could break down our barrier through hanging out. When I talked to her about it, she said that she couldn't maintain a deep relationship right now. It hurt, but i thought i got over it, and that we could just hang out and not worry about it.

I had some people over tonight, and she came over. We talked a little, but it was awkward, I feel strange even just hugging her. I can tell that she has no interest in pursuing a relationship right now, and she really won't let her self be attracted to me. I called her and told her that I can't do this. I feel like we could work through it, but i feel like she doesn't really want to. My reaction to the barrier she puts up turns me in to a person that she can't really be attracted to. So yeah, I told her, that I can't just hang out and not think about her. I wish it was just casual and fun, but we can't do that when she wont let herself have feelings towards me at all. If she was ready to let go and not worry about the relationship escalating, then I would be the person she was attracted to. But hanging out with everything the same just renforces the anxiety she causes me, and her not being able to be attracted to me. I miss talking to her so much. I don't know how it just died. And I can't stop blaming myself. If I didn't care so much about her, she could love me.

Does totse think this relationship is dead? is there any way to repair it?

How can I deal with this? I am in love with her, but she won't give me a chance.

do something really nice for her... something you've never done before. Something that shows that you put in LOTS of time and work into.

I would like to, but I feel like that would come across as me trying to hard to repair it. Idk. I think I might just want to let it slip away, and see if we can come back to it later. Our connection is undeniable, its just not here now. I think its hard for her, being 3 hours away at school, I don't think she will let herself feel for me.

yea, you could just let it/her go (as hard as it will be), and move on with your life. To break it down, its a 50/50. It will either work out between you two, or it wont. I'm a believer that there is more than ONE perfect someone for anyone. Just take those good times with you and move on

I didn't read all of it, but what I got from it was that you're an 18 year old virgin who's never been in a relationship, and the one time you find a chick that you really connect with, you say "Oh no I can't, I don't wanna be a bad friend." EVEN AFTER she tells you she likes you.

From what I've learned, people rarely change. It looks like you're a failure and you're going to stay that way forever. Just kill yourself. I'm not even taunting you or making fun. I really think you should commit suicide.

There's not a lot you can do about it man. I sympathise, but she's made it clear that it's time to move on. She's not into it anymore, so find something better to do than wasting your time thinking about her. Don't lose sleep over it.

Lol, I have such a guilt complex its insane. Like seriously, I have a lot of problems with myself. A big step in conquering them, was telling her how I felt. But its not like they are gone, I can't really blame her for not liking me. Its just so strange to me that I haven't hidden who I was, been completely open about my problems, and told her that I am slightly hesitant about this because I can see them affecting the relationship, but she was still all for it. And then it changed. And the slight change was noticable to me, and I can't help but let it effect my self image, and it built back and forth. I just wish we could start over.

I was thinking its completely done, but she still does want to hang out with me. Tonight she brought up a Disco Biscuits show on New Years, asked if I'd want to go. I think she sees the potential, or wants it to work, but its just not here now.

Time is the cure mate. If it really is love, time and distance shouldn't affect it.

You gotta remember, she said she was basically raped over and again. Just after it happened, you were her friendly face...Her go-to guy. Someone who made her feel safe and wanted her purely for her mind and soul. Now she's cut herself off in an effort to protect herself, even from you.

Time, my friend. If it's worth it, you'll wait. If not, scrap it and get a new one.

I've just posted a thread that's quite similar. Not to generalise, but in my experience of girls, they have so much of a problem being straight with themselves, it gives us guys an ice cube in hell's chance of understanding what's going on.

What I mean is, there could be any number of reasons for a girl going cold on you, my advice is to make the efforts to woo her ('woo' - fuck me...) before it's too late, and if she tells you that nothing's going to happen and she means it, accept defeat and save your dignity.

If I were you I'd want to talk to her about those old times, ask her how she felt then and if she still feels that way now. Once you have an answer everything's out in the open and there's no need for the ice-queen show.

Time, my friend. If it's worth it, you'll wait. If not, scrap it and get a new one.

This.

And I hope you've learnt your lesson about this bros before hoes crap, real friends wouldn't fuck over a nice girl like that.

And get therapy for your psychological problems. If you can see that they're there you can fix them.

She probably got sick of waiting around. You really should have acted sooner.

You didn't pursue her because you didn't want to damage the friendship, now ironically the friendship is fucked any way.

I feel like the core of the problem is that i misinterpreted the distance at first as a problem she had with me, it made me very insecure. Once I was insecure because of that she was no longer attracted to me. I just hope she can think of me the way she used to. It is dead because I wasn't myself. To be honest hanging out with her now, I am not really attracted to her, but I still think of her as the girl that I felt so comfortable with. If I could be more confident, then she wouldn't have a problem. Not sure if I can do that on my own. If she decides to see me the way she once did then it will all work out. Nothing I can really do to change her mind right now though.

I think I will let her know that when she feels ready to give me a chance, it will all work out.

This.

And I hope you've learnt your lesson about this bros before hoes crap, real friends wouldn't fuck over a nice girl like that.

And get therapy for your psychological problems. If you can see that they're there you can fix them.

To be honest, the idea of giving up and letting my friend go for her wasn't hard for me at all. This kid was my best friend, and I figured they would be happy together.

Realizing that he was not the person that he pretended to be has been pretty tough. I am very critical of the relationships I form with people now, and while I think it is good to understand who are your real friends, and be weary of growing to close to anyone, its depressing to realize how people really have their own agendas. I am getting over that though.

If I were you I'd want to talk to her about those old times, ask her how she felt then and if she still feels that way now. Once you have an answer everything's out in the open and there's no need for the ice-queen show.

She is saying that she just can't be close to anyone right now. But what I am going to ask her is: If things were the same way now as they were before, would you still feel like you couldn't maintain a relationship?

I think that she will realize that would be fine with that, and she will be able to understand that its a problem she has with how I haven't been able to be myself around her, so she is no longer attracted to me. Its not impossible to work through this, if she realizes that she would like things to be the way they were.

You're so far deep into friends-zone denial, it's sad.

The problem is that I figured, I should play to her needs, since she just got out of a bad relationship. I am done. I am telling her that there is no reason we can't be together, and if she says no we are done and that will be fine with me. She doesn't need to be the one to lead, she needs someone she trusts to lead. Will let you know how it goes, but I have no doubt whatever this leads to is best for both of us.

Yeah, what you need to do is stop being insecure about it. Obviously from her past experiences, she is going to be very unsure when it comes to guys. So what does that mean for you?

You need to be the secure one. You need to be her beacon of comfort and reason. You should tell her what she wants to hear. And if you tell her, and she doesn't want to hear it, well, then you're fucked.

Either way, you need to do it. Be a man about it, don't reflect her sense of insecurity.

Just forget about her. You're lucky you can even find a girl who you have anything in common with. I haven't met a single girl who had enough in common with me or who I wasn't ashamed of.

Pretty much, I've decided to leave behind the whole relationship issue and just try to focus on intellectual pursuits for a while. Love is just a big distraction.

this man's advice is worth gold

To be honest, the idea of giving up and letting my friend go for her wasn't hard for me at all. This kid was my best friend, and I figured they would be happy together.

Realizing that he was not the person that he pretended to be has been pretty tough. I am very critical of the relationships I form with people now, and while I think it is good to understand who are your real friends, and be weary of growing to close to anyone, its depressing to realize how people really have their own agendas. I am getting over that though.

It can be depressing to see that people have their own agendas...

None the less, make friends at will, just be willing to look straight through them.

Find your agendas, they;re there.

It can be depressing to see that people have their own agendas...

None the less, make friends at will, just be willing to look straight through them.

Find your agendas, they;re there.

I like to think that I see my own agendas fairly well, but I am constantly finding out new things about myself.

One of my driving forces in life is understanding, its my security blanket, when I feel like I can grasp something, I am at peace. So I value you people for their opinions. I also like to understand people, and people can be put off by how i see them.