tl;dr at the end.

Back story: I got together with my best friend, we fell in love, and it was awesome. We bickered heaps, but she's smart, funny, hot, faithful, sarcastic, compatible with me (doesn't get angry at my sick totse-esque rape/racist/sexist/homophobic jokes), fantastic in bed and motivated, so despite the arguing (I like to look at it as two very dominant people constantly challenging each other) I want to stick with this girl. She is amazing and I can't imagine life with out my best friend.

She's always hated talk of the future, yet with me, there were glimpses of talk about us moving in together, growing old together, etc, and it felt good. We started to fight more and more. It became too much. The worst thing was, we were fighting because she loved me too much. She just became too much to handle. She wanted to see me too often, ring too often, message too often, etc. I was a cunt and would handle it the wrong way. Like if she stayed for 3 days, then went home and rang me the same day, I'd flip out and ask what she could possible have to say to me in like hours. I had a point: What COULD she possibly have to say? But I handled it like a cock head. I communicated and told her, instead of accepting it and fixing it she got offended and over did it, and dropped too much communication to 'make a point'.

Eventually I got fed up with it, and bought a ticket to NZ. We broke up pretty much at the airport. She held so much resentment towards me. Before I left, one of her friends had started making moves on her. She was turning him down as was to be expected. I told her until he stopped making the moves I didn't want her to speak to him at all. She assured me he was only a good friend and promised me that NOTHING would ever happen between them. Any way, while I was away she kissed him. She lied to me and told me she kissed no one. I didn't care if she kissed people, except him, but the lying REALLY pissed me off because she did cheat on her last boyfriend. She also made promises. I found out, not through her, which pissed me off. When I found out, I also found out that she doesn't 'just see him as a friend'. She does like him.

I got home sick a while back and started to miss her heaps and sent her an email, after a bit of talking I mentioned how there was heaps here I'd like to do with her. She asked if I'd let her come and visit. I said yes. Like two days alter she got a ticket and came to visit me.

Now, we've been emailing each other heaps.

After a series of emails, only one stood out, this one:

I'm not saying you're crazy. It's the worst feeling in the world being jealous. I apologise that I've left any doubt in you. I have been vague about my feelings still being strong in 2 months time because I don't know if they will be. You're not around so it's very difficult to gauge. Right now how I feel about you, I see you as my best friend who I have amazing sexual chemistry with. I don't know how things will be in person, whether we'll still be in couple mode or just friends who have sex. It's the ingredients of a great relationship, but I think there has to be something more to it, or maybe that's just affection and we haven't been able t do that? It's confusing and i'm sorry for putting my confusion onto you and seeming 'dodgy' for going out with my friends.

Last night you said you don't want me to speak to you anymore, is this still true? That's fine, but just don't say it in the heat of the moment, otherwise I wont leave you alone because I think you don't actually mean it.

I am friends with Andrew, yes I do see him out and talk to him, the same I would any friend. If you and I do get together when you're back, because it bothers you, I wouldn't speak to him and he would know we're together. It'd be shit because he actually is a lovely person, but you're feelings more important to me.

Now, she flew to Nepal like 4 days ago and will be there for another 68 days (Yes I'm a fag for counting the days away) and I'll be leaving for Asia for 40 days a few days before she returns, so I have some time to think. I don't 'think' she'll be hooking up with any Nepali men, so it's all safe.

Pretty much what I'm having trouble with is:

A. We both want to travel but our styles of travel are very different. I want to live places, she wants to holiday there. It means that for the next 2 years we'll be in the same country maybe a total of 6 months. Do I just break up with her and accept that I met a girl who was perfect for me, but we just couldn't happen?

B. Her friend Andrew, as much as I hate to say it, is actually really fucking nice guy. He's her 'thing', a trendy as, popular indie kid. I'm over that phase and am just happy being a hobo who shops at thrift stores. They're very well suited together and think that she could be very happy with him, but as long as I'm around he'll never have a proper chance. Not only this, but I know she would get bored of him and come back to me. Do I leave her alone and let her find more stable happiness with another guy?

C. I think if I got together with her and let her speak with Andrew heaps they'd hook up again at some point. I left her and flew to another country, he was around and helped her get over me (until I got her to come back, now she's head over heels again) At this age, he's a novelty for her. She assures me she loves me and it's only me, constantly. But actions speak louder than words. If she lied once, she'll lie again, right? So to be with her I have to ban her from people, which is just controlling as fuck. I don't want to do that. Do I get back with her and ban her from seeing that friend? Is there another way to deal with that friend?

D. She said she's happy being best friends who have wicked sex. Does this always end in heart break? FWB if two sided love is involved (the second I'm around her for like...3 days she would stop her '"I'm not sure if I love you" bullshit, it's just a game she tries to play to get the upper hand....which fails horribly) Do I just see her as much as I can while we're in the same place, have great sex and hope she doesn't get over me?

E. Should I just let her get with the guy and take their course while I travel the world? and when I get back and I'm ready to give her 100% and settle down only THEN go for her?

TL/DR: Girl I love gone to another country. I have to decide if I want to get with her, now, later or never. When I broke up with her she met a guy who's actually nice, if I want to get back with her, I need to make sure she never sees, speaks, messages or emails this guy ever again. I'm deathly afraid of being cheated on.

Euda, this one was for you. A classic Arquin drug fueled thread. To those who read this, thanks. I'm sad that I missed her going away party and had a pity party with a 12 pack, a shit tonne of salvia, some weed and speed (first time I've done durgz in ages) which may explain why something that could be TL/DR turned into a long as thread. I'm still incredibly fucked (chain smoking salvia is NOT a good idea).

If any of you guys can think of a better solution based on the information I gave you, please, let me know.

If you did get back together with her, it would start off on a bad note, with you mistrusting her and setting rules, and struggling not to get smothered like last time. If you fought so much before, you'll fight just as much now, if not more once you throw the trust issues in the pot. It'd be a power struggle from hell.

The romantic in me wants to say that there must be something there for you to hold on to it for so long in lieu of just moving on, but I think maybe you two need to be apart, at least right now. It sounds like you are great friends and connect on a really deep level, but maybe you're really not compatible relationship-wise at this point in time. She wants more than you can offer her (which is no fault of your own, we all have our limits) and that will always cause conflict unless one or both of you will conform to meet the other's expectations. And since you're both such strong-willed people it doesn't sound like that will happen any time soon.

My best advice would be to stay in contact, send e-mails, talk, be friends. Get together when you can, but don't put labels on it. If hooking up feels right, then do it, but don't expect or force a relationship. If you're meant to be together it will become obvious eventually, but if you're not then there's no reason why you have to lose a good friend. Don't try and to pigeonhole your relationship, because it will lead to expectations that neither of you are prepared to live up to and create problems that you really don't need. Just continue to keep in touch, see each other when you can, and soon, as fruity as this sounds, you'll know what you're supposed to be.

Option

A) People do grow apart; you're recognizing this and I know it's hard as hell. When I started getting out of things and into my own life, I faced the same challenges. She was perfect for you, but as you grow as a person, there will be someone new that suits. Life lasts a long time and there are a lot of people out there.

B) Sometimes stepping back is a good idea. You can be that friend. It's not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but it's often the right thing to do. If you see that potential, I'd recommend encouraging it. Don't expect another person you can care about on that level to fall into your lap right away, but it'll happen.

C) Actions do speak louder than words. It's a hell of a saying and it rears its head on a regular basis. The more often she lies about this sort of thing, the easier it becomes; it's easy enough for a person to slip into the mindset that the lies are for your own good and that they're just protecting you from the truth. There are always ways to deal with things, but if she's willing to lie and wants to see him, they'll just be a bandaid.

D) You can probably keep the relationship going in this way, but it won't be easy with suspicion rearing its ugly head. It can work, but be aware that there could be other guys.

Option

E) Talk to her about this option. An open relationship while you're on the road sounds like it might work. It's a question of being able to bear it. It's not an easy thing to hear about her, someone that you think of as your girlfriend, messing around with some other guy. I've been there, it just messes with your head a bit. If you take this route, make sure that she realizes that anything that happens with this Andrew guy is just a temporary thing; however, you should be aware that it might grow into more.

Extra Option

F) Talk to Andrew and find out if he can be a friend. If he can be there for her without dating, or messing around with, your girlfriend.

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Everybody needs to fall into a pit sometimes, just make sure you pull yourself back up.

In the end, it all comes back to deciding what role you want her to have in your life; this decision needs to be based upon what kind of role she can handle.

Option

A) People do grow apart; you're recognizing this and I know it's hard as hell. When I started getting out of things and into my own life, I faced the same challenges. She was perfect for you, but as you grow as a person, there will be someone new that suits. Life lasts a long time and there are a lot of people out there.

+


C) Actions do speak louder than words. It's a hell of a saying and it rears its head on a regular basis. The more often she lies about this sort of thing, the easier it becomes; it's easy enough for a person to slip into the mindset that the lies are for your own good and that they're just protecting you from the truth. There are always ways to deal with things, but if she's willing to lie and wants to see him, they'll just be a bandaid.

Haha, that is FUCKED UP. That's EXACTLY the excuse she used.

I think is the answer I should probably go for. Silverfuck's idea of just being with her when I can is what will most likely happen. But I think I'm better off not asking about her personal life in the future. I'm way waaaay too loyal to properly be in an open relationship. I know her, she would cheat on the next person she's with for me (unless they were absolutely amazing. But even then...) but I would never be with two people I cared about at the same time. Just the thought of it is driving me crazy, I dumped her and left the continent, what more can you fucking do to get over some one?

I think I'll wait for her to get back to let her know it's over in person (unless you still some how managed to stalk totse from Nepal...in that case...it's over, but I doubt it). She rocks my cock and she's an amazing girl, but what I feel, the stress, isn't worth it. Surely there are chicks out there who don't lie. I might get with her one day, or, travel might help her grow up. We'll see.

Haha, two replies and they both managed to be fucking awesome. Thanks guys.