Posting about this hoping to get some insight, opinions, whatever really. I also do need to kind of vent.

So the other night me and my boyfriend are at this party that a close friend of mine was having. This girl isn't related to me, but she pretty much holds the status of a cousin as my parents and hers are good friends. It wasn't a huge gathering but it was a bunch of very good friends so the alcohol was cracked open and we were all getting fairly drunk. We're hanging out in her bedroom and its getting into the night and the three of us are lying around on her bed talking and the sum of it is, the lights were turned off and my friend starts stroking me, kissing my neck, and so on. I'd sort of seen this coming and was okay with it but at this point had a quick and whispered conversation with my boyfriend about whether he was cool with it as well. He was fine, we set down some quick ground rules about what we did and didn't want each other doing with her, and that was that.

One thing leads to another, all three of us are having fun, and eventually we realise its starting to get light outside so we decide its time to actually get some sleep. We all just kind of crash on the bed and manage to sleep for an hour or two before the sunlight got too annoying (she'd just had her house painted = no curtains). At this point, I'd figured that the sexual side of things had stopped when we'd decided to go to sleep. So I wasn't ridiculously keen about it when my friend is still occasionally reaching out to my boyfriend, hugging him and kissing him and such. This was not cool, because at the end of the day he IS my boyfriend, and we're not in an open relationship. And I'm not going to lie, I started getting a case of the green-eyed monster.

She got up for a bit to get a drink and this is when my boyfriend turns to me and asks if we can restart what was going on last night. He was the drunkest out of the three of us, so while he didn't seem bothered at the time, he couldn't get it up to enjoy himself more, and says to me he doesn't want to pass this opportunity up in case we don't get it again. I told him that, in short, I wasn't okay with that, and I promised him that if he was pent up then I'd do whatever he wanted when we got home that afternoon, but that I really wasn't comfortable with any more experimenting at that moment (this was my first time messing around with another girl, and before each other, neither of us had done more than kissed someone).

And here is where the problem is. After she came back, we tried to get to sleep again. I slept for a while but then my phone started beeping and woke me up, in time to hear my friend and boyfriend whispering and then start kissing and I looked over long enough to see him on top of her before I walked out of the room. Clearly they both thought I was asleep.

Now, I don't know. Am I justified in feeling like he's, technically, cheated on me? I'm not going to pretend that I'm not an insecure person - I've got some pretty deep issues when it comes to my femininity, stemming from being infertile and needing to have hormone treatment to even develop properly. The root of that insecurity is feeling like I'm not "woman" enough for any guy to truly be satisfied with me. I'd overcome 99% of that with my boyfriend, and I understand that, yes, we were messing around with my friend for most of the night so it doesn't seem that bad, but I point blank told him that I didn't want him to continue it in the morning. And then, less than a metre away from me, when they thought I was asleep, he went against what I asked. His reason was "I don't know why I did it, I was drunk and wasn't thinking" and he followed me as soon as I walked out of the room, and he does feel bad about it.

I don't really blame my friend - she didn't know I told him to stop, and neither of us had given her any serious indication that the sexual part of the night was over. Doesn't change the fact that I feel like slapping her across the face. Funny how emotions don't listen to logic. I know I'm definitely being a bitch about that.

But fuck. It just seems like one thing after another. He's not the most reliable, but I thought I could trust him about this kind of thing. It's a stab to my pride, my confidence and my heart. I don't know, opinions, thoughts, am I being uptight, am I being whiny, am I justified, whatever. Thanks.



SHORT VERSION:
Me and my boyfriend got drunk at a friends party and ended up having what I guess could be called a threesome with her, though no actual sex was involved, just everything but. In the morning my boyfriend asks to continue it so he can be more involved (too drunk to be 'up' to the task the night before - but no sex still as this was where we drew the line) I said I wasn't happy with that, as this was the first time we'd done anything of the like and had had enough experimenting for the moment, and that if he was really pent up we could sort that out ourselves at home. Boyfriend and friend then decide to continue anyway when they thought I was asleep, which I wasn't. Am I justified in feeling betrayed, or am I just being whiny?


- T_M

i would consider this cheating. i, personally, would freak out on my boyfriend if he did this to me. i mean, if you turn this the other way around and say you guys were messing with one of his guy friends, and he didnt want you to do anything with him when he was supposedly asleep or whatever and you turn around and start messin around with his friend behind his back - what do you really think his reaction would be?

That's what you get for not doing what your man wanted.
Learn your place woman.

He'd probably freak out as much as me. I'm calmer about it now but I was on the verge on hyperventilation for most of the drive home (she lives about an hour away) and I spent a good deal of last night crying and generally being angsty. The night was fun, it was definitely interesting being with a girl and if the rest of it hadn't happened I'd probably have been up for something like that again on occasion. But now I when I think about him with her I feel physically ill. I know he loves me, and I can understand him genuinely not thinking straight when drunk. But thats a reason, not an excuse. It doesn't change the fact that he went against what I asked.

Part of me is thinking I'm just being uptight and why split hairs about it. But as I said, he's not the most reliable, and its seems like he's always coming up with new and interesting ways of hurting me without meaning to, always hitting me with a new one just when I think its safe again. And I cave to an apology because I'm willing to swallow my feelings for the sake of our relationship. I know I've never done anything nearly as hurtful to him, but I just can't stick it out when I know that not having my forgiveness hurts him.

- T_M

If i was in a situation like that, and i truly loved my girlfriend i would not have hooked up with the girl, despite being drunk.
I'm not saying he doesn't TRULY love you, and i just think you have to see the reality of the relationship, but if this is a one off case, i would just put it down to, the drinking, the built up sexual desire from the night before and the fact he is male :P and also the fact that you were in on the act in the first place so he probably thinks that you were going to be cool with it.

you have a right to feel back-stabbed, but i wouldn't worry too much about it, just talk to your boyfriend about it and also your other friend and see what the say.

What's good for the gooses is also good for the gander.

If you were being all hip/cool/bi-lezzie because it was hip/cool/bi-lezzie & "not-really-the-thexxth"! Because it was with another girl?

Perhaps it is time to think again. You allowed the pandora's box of sexuality to fall open. It's hard to put it back in once it's out & all spilled over the bed. Pretending is all fun & games until the real consequences happen. It's not always easy for drunk people to draw lines in the dark.

If you want to play those games? Perhaps leave the lights on/put away the bottles. Either that or make sure you all get really drunk. So drunk that your memories are unreliable & thus you all can admit or deny whatever suits you.

I have NO idea what that sentence means.

But I do understand the Pandora's box thing. Thats why I made a point of both of us knowing what we were okay with doing and what we weren't. I told him I was cool with him doing pretty much whatever, just not sex, and he was okay with me doing anything except going down on her. And that was fine, even when he was far more drunk he stuck with that. It was in the morning, when he was still drunk, but less so, that he did the wrong thing. I don't know, maybe I am being a bit over-the-top about this.

As an aside, I'm not saying I wanted to experiment but didn't want him to. I'm not that inane. As soon as I realised something was definitely going to happen the first thing I asked was if he was okay with it. If he'd said no I would've stopped straight away. Vice versa. Honestly, the main reason I enjoyed it was because he was involved. She was fun, but I can officially say that girls don't a whole lot for me. Man. Not feeling 100% coherent atm.

- T_M

He cheated. You are completely justified in feeling back-stabbed. The two of you set down ground rules (which was the right thing to do) and he violated them and your trust. Simple as. You two need to have a serious talk about this, find out why he did it (and not that stupid drunk excuse) and where the two of you do now. You should also talk to your friend - you need to find out if she knew you weren't cool with him doing more.

Perhaps when you were ready to go to sleep you should have told your friend that you had fun but weren't comfortable with more that night. If she knew she might not have done anything behind your back.

I think that if he was sober enough to ask, then he was sober enough to decide. You put up a clear boundary and he pushed past it.

It's completely situational and between the two of you. Good luck on whatever you decide.

He cheated on you. Basta.

You have every right to feel narked.

It stops now or you can kiss your B/F goodbye....its probably too late anyways.

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