The next few months are gonna be hard - I have two moves coming up (one temp until the next is ready), another year of study + my normal work (which I am quitting in Jan due to stress) and my birthday, the 18th Sept.

I have never had good birthdays. The past decade each one I've spent crying my eyes out and feeling unloved, however many friends were around me and cards and messages I got. I just never felt okay. I need to get to the bottom of that one.

But I got another bombshell last week.
I have been extremely close to someone for the past two years - non sexual, whatever, just one of those intense platonic relationships. We loved each other immensely and said so often.
It has often been misunderstood - the more we tried to explain to people that 'it wasn't like that' the more they'd think so! It was funny. It didn't matter because the most important people understood - that's me, him and my boyfriend. My boyfriend gets along with him and they're friends.

This summer, he went home from uni for a couple of months. I felt like I was having my heart wrenched out watching him wave goodbye out of the car with all his stuff packed up in it. One of our friends held me tight as we waved him off.

Our relationship had changed in the months preceding him going home, but in a good way. It was comfortable and we were still going out for walks, cinema, whatever. I get along very well with his friends and I was happy to drift in and out of his week because it was just 'fine'.

This summer I pretty much left him alone - we've had little contact, and we were pretty much leaving the other 'to it'. We had the odd long phonecall which was nice but otherwise it was texts and facebook messages.

I've been a long time depressive and he has been insanely good at calming me down and being there for me. I make an effort not to overload anyone with all my stuff as it's just not fair, but he and my boyfriend J are both brilliant at helping me into a better place in my head when I'm not doing well. I was rarely happier than when I was in a room with both of them - the guy I love and my best friend who I love too. They're both my best friends.

Then on Tuesday he rang up and said that he didn't feel the same anymore. He said that he couldn't be relied upon, I said I understood. The tone of his voice made me ask "Do you still love me?"

The silence I was met with was louder than anything I've ever heard in my life. He said that he just didn't feel the same, and that he still cared about me but he feels he has closer friends now.
"But I love you! What have I done!?" I said. He said that I hadn't done anything, he just feels differently. Every question I asked he just answered 'I don't know'.
I told him I'd always love him and said goodbye.

Since then I cannot keep food down, I am sick a few times a day, I have nosebleeds all the time, I can't sleep, I can't do anything. I feel SICK that my beloved best friend no longer loves me. He no longer feels that special thing we always had.

This on top of everything else pushed me over the edge. My doctors rang each other and instructed my meds and any sharp things be removed from my homes. As an ex-psych patient I am still quite carefully monitored for my suicidal tendencies. This time I don't even feel I'd need to slit my wrists - I feel like I'm dying anyway.

I just want him to be happy, and if he is happier not loving me then so be it. I half want to ring him up and beg him to love me again but he can't help how he feels. Every day and night since I have cried myself to the point of dehydration. My ME has gotten worse and I can hardly move anymore.

J is being very good as always but I feel like I can't connect with anyone right now. I am so lucky I have J and friends who understand, or try to. I just can't feel anything except numbness or utter heartbreak at the moment.

I don't know what I'm doing, I have no awareness of time, I am just out of it completely. It gets worse at night, as nights have a tendency to make you feel worse, it's so quiet and you are totally alone. When all my friends have gone to sleep and I am alone it is total hell. I've been wanting to die and not admitting it to myself. I haven't told my doctors.

I am a total wreck of a person. I am utterly useless and cannot do anything. My best friend no longer loves me and I have trouble believing a word anyone says. I feel so utterly horrible for doubting my friends - even J - when they say they love me and they'll always be around.
The guilt in me is toxic and I grow less and less in touch with people. I am a very social person but I have suddenly cut off everything. I can't believe a word anyone says, because I know he said that too, and now he doesn't.
I know it's partly because I am so depressed - though people meeting me would never know it. I don't blame him. I am a disturbed freak and I don't know why anyone loves me. From the outside I seem like I've never seen a horrid thing in my life but on the inside I am totally disturbed and covered in deep wounds.
When someone describes me I do not recognise myself at all.

I just want him to be happy. I just don't know how I'm going to get through this.

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He doesn't love you anymore. That says something about him but fuck all about you. Doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

You are, as far as I can tell, not only a beautiful young woman with a big heart for others but also you also have an IQ far above most people (and far above mine).

You know you have zero self worth and you know why.

So measure yourself by J , by his love for you. His eyes mirror your value.

Its time also that he took you 'in hand' a bit. Being a modern go-get 'em woman is all well and good but it isn't going to make you feel better about yourself.

You KNOW you are better than most of the men who work under you. But that won't help when you stand naked infront of that mirror at night.

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Keep your chin up. You've got people who love you, including us net-folks.

Have you talked to him and asked him what feels so different?

Maybe he is feeling the same way as you and since he knows he can't be close he's trying to push you away. I know I've done it before.

I hope things start to go better for you, you deserve good things.

Keep as cool as you can, man.

Go for the music. The music is your only friend. And there is always music you don't know or have forgotten. I was into the Hollies on Ytube last week...just a phase. I was sucking up the drum 'n bass last night.

wires is a virgo

and i am moderately compatible with vurgos

Without killing yourself, and staying calm. That's the only real goal here. So he doesn't love you anymore, that's life, nothing is forever, everything always changes. You will find someone else who you can have the same, or better, a relationship with. Also, although you clearly stated how it is a platonic relationship, I still think that the reason he acted like this is because he did have feelings for you and it hurt him too much to hide them. It's been the reason why I've stopped talking to many of my female "friends". Maybe it's not it at all, but I just can't see there being much else of a reason.

damn why are you so emotional? just chill out

Damn good point and one you, wires, should really think about. It might very well be the case then from what I can gather a lot of men would kill to be your J.

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Dude shut the fuck up, thats not what she needs right now.

I know things must seem hard right now but they key of going back up to that happy place is to use your feelings. Not wallow in them, mind you but embrace them. Get angry, find a purpose. DO something that you enjoy that's methodical and can take your mind off of things.

Hey, wires you know one thing. Even if the rest of the world is against you, we will be with you . So just chill and take it easy. Relax do some exercise run in the park etc. Your friend might be in some problem or he is just confused about your relationship with him.

I don't want to make matters worse, so i will say one thing.

Wires your a kind and beautiful person inside and out. Please don't degrade yourself AND DEFIANTLY never think about dying.


<3 Always.