Basically I have setup a timeline for myself. 15 days and I want to be rid of my "ego" and my idiotic fears and anxieties. I have been suffering for so damn long and I need to do something for myself. I am taking drugs and other bullshit for anxiety when I know deep down that I could instead just face my fear and get over what is bothering me so.

What scares me is to talk about the depression I live everyday. Especially scary to me is to talk about my previous obsessions and phobias about Jews. I refuse to talk about this stuff and my mind keeps fucking with me making me miserable. My mind communicates to me that I cannot be free of the misery until I complete these tasks.

I have made multiple attempts at overcoming this fear through conversation and "throwing out" things about Jews etc... Upon completing these things I do feel some relief, temporarily. It appears that I cannot be 100% free until I make the real plunge.

I have this crippling tightness in my stomach at all times, my sleep is terrible and I can't hold down jobs very well. My quality of life is far negative. I don't know why I haven't once just concluded "enough is enough" and reclaimed my life. I am a big pussy.

I hate that I have to do this. Somewhere my mind must have split, the feeling and the thinking separated.

Well I need to do something before I lose another year to this bullshit.

It is effectively ego suicide, my entire ego is fear.

I almost wish something real bad happened to me so I would have a legitimate reason to feel so bad.

The fact is nothing that bad has ever happened to me, except what I do to myself.

I was bullied in 3rd Grade. I was the "smelly kid". Everyone laughed at me and one kid especially took an enjoyment in making me squirm.

My reaction to that harassment was an intense fear characterized by a hard tensing of the stomach and a few of the other symptoms attributed to anxiety.

At some point a little bit later, I started pretending I was Jewish. For some time only in my mind and in front of the mirror (angle face to have nose appear larger, raising eyebrow, etc.)

Later on I would tell others that I was indeed Jewish and sort of developed a loud outgoing persona, partly based on faking being Jewish.

What happens next I find hard to explain. I myself have a hard time processing, how and why I am in this screwed up state. There are a number of things; my high-school years were not a very fun time for me. I was plagued with anxiety and I couldn't make any friends. People teased me abit and I acted in my usual pussy like manner.

In public school during my last 2 years I had established myself as a kind of funny-man entertainer and proudly said I was "half-Jewish" (even though it was not true). Well when I reached high school; the status of me being funny and popular did not remain and I found myself lost and in a kind of shock.

For some reason I started as I got older to look Jewish. Something I cannot understand as when I was younger I had blonde hair and typical Aryan facial features. Over the course of when I started to fake being Jewish, my face seemed to have change aswell.

People would repeatedly think I'm Jewish at school. They'd ask me if I was, some would merely assume I was and I got exposed to some prejudice (probably mere childishness, but it still fucked with my head).

I made some new friends at one point, although I don't think I actually like them. They enjoyed flirting with the ideas of Nazism and other crap and sometimes I'd play along. Eventually they started asking if I was Jewish. They would tease and call me a Jew. I noticed my reaction to any of this was my typical "pussy" reaction that I first did in 3rd grade. I would also think I was acting like a Jew would towards an Anti-Semite. I began identifying with the people make funny of me and really hating myself hard. I went on a downward spiral of depression until where I am now.

I am fucked up and I hate living my life. I have talked to a counseller about my problems which did help somewhat.

At this moment my gut is seizing up and tensing, as it usually is to some degree in all my waking life. I hate how much of a fucking pussy I am. That I wont just say "fuck this! and tell people the whole story". That I wont do what I know will help. That I have no compassion for myself and I prefer to live in this perpetual torture. I have no fucking balls. I fucking hate myself.

So anyways, I need to fucking do this. I am giving myself 15 days. I have a suspicion it wont be successful but I am going to make as much as an attempt as I can. I am a pussy. All through this article I was hoping that the writing of this article would be enough to solve this problem, but I suppose there is really no easy way out or shortcuts. I have to do this. I have to face this god-damn fear. FUCK!

Mods after thinking for a second I know this thread would be better for Half-Baked. Feel free to move it.

Damn. That was a highly interesting post.

This is particularly awesome:


So what's your plan to finally face your fears and anxieties?

Maybe some LSD or ecstacy will help you.

I feel the same way. Probably not as bad, and minus the "fake Jew" stuff. But yeah, I'm pretty much a paranoid pussy.

Thanks for reading. I will definetly try to get my hands on some of those drugs once I start working.

One of my ideas is to when I start a new job to tell people that I am Jewish and try to bait them into going after me. I will try to act as stereotypically jewish as possible. When they think I am merely a weak cowardly jewman I will then pounce on them.

I have some more ideas I am working on. I am thinking about maybe printing the OP out and distributing it to my parents. Scares the shit out of me but would be a good ego buster.
I need to start doing shit though.

Okay I have decided that today I will indeed print out that last post I made and give it to my parents. I will take some benzos before hand but I will do it.

I am thinking of other ideas. I am thinking of getting involved in some kind of Jewish organization.

I also am thinking about how I could put myself in a situation where people would target me thinking I am Jewish.

Any feedback is appreciated.

So much of this will do you wonders, or make it worse... worth a shot though. Always an option.

Really, eh? I guess MDMA and LSD are none for profound shifts in perspective. I will definitely try to procure some.

Okay I printed out the OP and showed it to parents. They were concerned but they were understanding. They didn't think I was a freak, my dad said that somehow I developed an obsession with Jews. He even said me looking Jewish could benefit me.

Showing the OP was a positive experience and I believe it brings me closer to my goal.

It has spawned some new ideas, I am thinking of making a box for my family to hold letters to be read at the end of the month. I will call it the "Grievance Box". The letters would contain things that bother you and bad stuff and at the end of the month everyone must read it.

Other ideas for completion is to disclose to some friends the fact I may have some Jewish blood. This may give me some negative attention which I will approach differently then I used to.

Doing this will force me to speak about Jews with others. Something I find difficult.

I am printing out this picture: http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Image:TheJEW.png

And posting it on my fridge.haha.

15 days? Bit short don't you think? It's taken me (so far) 3-4 years to do something like that and I still haven't got to where I want to be. The paranoia, stress, being quick to anger and the lack of motivation are still there sometimes, although gone down significantly.

What I suggest you do is completely immerse yourself in what you fear, don't leap into it though. Lower yourself in, slowly do it over a year or so. I pretty much ran headlong (metaphorically) into what I feared and it almost killed me on a few occasions. Eventually you'll get to a point where you find yourself completely stressed out most of the time because you are constantly surrounded by what you hate/fear.

But (if you don't go nuts first) you'll slowly become accustomed to it and realise that it's either not that bad or how you can deal with it. The trick is knowing what to do and when to do it.

I know what I said might be confusing but it's the best I can think of atm.