Today I cut myself for the first time in 6 months.
And I'm not proud of it.
In fact, I feel worse than I did before cutting.
But then againg I feel whole again. I missed the feeling of self-inflicted pain.
But what hurts the most is that I promised my boyfriend I wouldn't cut. And I feel so miserable and selfish and heartless for breaking that promise, but at the time, it felt like someting I really needed to do.


The reason I cut tonight is because of my mother. She is a schzophrenic and has been for the last 4 years. And from her schizophrenia arose many mental problems for me, when I was just 11/12. I suffered from on-and-off depression ever since then.
My mother constantly mentally abuses me, or makes me feel like a social alien or something. She's always paranoid about me, being delusional that I'm really a spy or something. She should be better, but she refuses to take her meds and see her doctor. I understand that she should be hospitalised, but for some reason, I can't make the call. And my dad doesnt seem to think that what she does to me damages me emotionally.

Tonight, I feel so depressed. I don't know what to do.
It's one in the morning, and no one I know is online. Not even mild aquaintances that I could unload a few of my problems onto.

Some words of advice would be nice. Something that could cheer me up? Or help me in some way?

Oh, and if my boyfriend is reading this, I'm very very very very sorry.

Cutting does not inflict pain. You cut because you're a fucking faggot.

Fixed.

Yes, yes, I know.
I can't help that I feel sad, though.

Meh. Great advice.

Stop cutting you stupid fucking whore it doesnt make any sense.

that is definitely helpful/going to cheer her up.

I fucking hate cutters.

The thread was not asking your opinions of cutters, it was asking for advice on cutting and how to stop doing it, or at least that's what I got from the OP.

Put a bandaid on it maybe.

There was an experiment done on dogs which involved them being put in a cage which omitted electric shocks no matter where they stood. The dogs tried to avoid the shocks for a while, but after a time they just lay down and accepted that they were going to be shocked. It's called "learned helplessness". The dogs came to realize that it was outside of their control whether or not they were going to be hurt. Now in people, when something devastating like your mother going bonkers and becoming hateful happens, a similar phenomenon is observed. You have decided that your feelings of depression are not up to you, but up to your mother. You have decided that picking up something sharp and breaking your skin with it not within your control. You have a high "external locus of control", ie you believe that things happen to you, rather you making them happen. What you need to do is realize that if your mother were sane, she would not hurt you so. And that your feelings are up to you and not up to anyone else. You have learned to feel helpless, and it's very,very ,very common. And having learned to be helpless, you actively try and continue to bring abuse upon yourself (such as breaking a promise to your lover). Try and just think through what in life is within your control and what isn't. YOU are in control of how you feel. Sometimes though, you're just in Poland in 1939