totse.com | R.I.P - Sirholkms

O RLY · #1 2008-07-29, 03:18

This song describes how I feel at the moment.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VTHPlxBQlOM

Today is a sad day. I was informed by Prometheum today about the death of a Totse Member. Now, many of you didn't quite like sirholkms, but then again, none of you really took the chance. I can say that beyond &Totse, sirholkms was a good person. His constant flaming around here didn't back up what I'm saying now, but I can say that if any one of you would have taken the time to talk to him on a personal level, he wasn't what he showed around here. Him and I have had some pretty good times together. I can recall how excited he was when we just so happen to root a box. This turned into an all night hack fest. He may not have looked at me as a friend, or even an acquaintance, but I can say, I liked the kid. R.I.P sirholkms. Wish I could have been there for you, wish you could have known that I cared, just like I care about everyone else here. I'll miss you.

If you want, you can read the post from NetSplitter (sp?) from evilzone. He can explain things better then I can

Quote:

I haven't been able to look at Evilzone since this happened so you have to understand why this wasn't posted earlier.

On the 19th of July the beloved Evilzoner and deer, deer friend of mine, Sirholkms, chose to take his own life. Sirholkms had sent me a picture of the drugs and his suicide note before he had taken them, along with a text file of the note to my email account. He was conscious long enough on MSN to say goodbye to me. At first I thought it was a joke but his writing kept deteriorating as he had often done in the past when he was drinking, I told him not to take them but he said he already had. I got scared, his writing got worse and worse, I quickly rang his mum and I could barely tell her what had happend my voice was shaking so much. She latter told me she found him in his room half dead, frothing at the mouth and choking on his vomit. She called an ambulance and they pumped his stomach.

4 days later on the 25th of July sirhols died in hospital. His body had been fighting but he was to intoxicated, their was nothing they could have done.His mum told me everything that happend. Not many people knew this but Sirholkms was chroniclly depressed and mentally ill. He would often talk about doing this. Over the past 3 days I haven't stopped crying.

I miss him so much, it was hard posting this but it's what he would have wanted.

I will be away for 7 days while I attend Sirholkms funeral in Queensland.

I can't stop cryinsd sirholkms I fucking miss you, you idiot.

Bellow are the pictures he sent me and the suicide note. It's clear to me what an important part of his life Evilzone was to him. I can't stop thinking about this. If anyone speeks badly of sir they will be banned and anyone who says this is a joke, it's not and it's a fucking insult to his memory. After this post I don't want anyone to ever bring this up again, these are my wishes and I own the site so if you don't respect this I will close it down.

Quote

This note will be written in past tense because by the time you read it, it will be.

I am leaving this world.

The pain of living has become unbearable. My anxiety and sadness being re-confirmed almost everyday now. I can't deny it any more, things are never going to work out and I feel my problems can not be overcome. There's no hope for me now, nobody can help me. A person like me could never live in this world. It's nobody's fault in particular for this, almost everything is a result of my actions and things just escalated out of my control. This moment now is a result of how I am and how I've been my entire life. If I were to narrow it down we all know what it would be.

To my mother: You were a good mum, it can't have been easy raising three kids on your own but you did an excellent job. This isn't your fault mum, it's mine. There was nothing you could have done. Don't you dare blame yourself for this. I tried to tell you, but words are useless, I know exactly what would have happened if I did. I'm just saving time. I am greatly sorry for doing this, I know how much this will hurt you but I can no longer deal with this sadness. Every time I have to face it, I almost break down, I've almost broken down crying in public before. I can't repress it any longer. Love you mum.

To my twin brother Josh: You were always their for me. In school I didn't have many friends but you still let me hang out with you and your friends and for a moment their I was actually happy. I will miss you the most Josh. I hope you have a great future and get very good at the piano. Please don't grieve too much for me, I want you to be happy and have the life I never had. Please don't give up on your studies on account of what I've done. You will be successful and have a great life. Goodbye Josh, I'll miss you.

To my older brother Paul: Paul, I didn't really know you very well, our father gave you a bad time and you suffered dearly as a result. Inside I just think he was damaged because of how his father treated him. You act the way you do now a lot because of him. Some of your actions are very selfish and you rationalise them to avoid feelings of guilt, I never liked how you did that I must admit and I think you would grow as a person if you learned how to take responsibility for your actions and actually dealt with your problems for once. I suppose I am a hypocrite. Goodbye Paul, I did love you even though you were an ass hole at times.

To my father: I didn't really know you very well but I knew what you did, how you hurt Paul and some times me and my brother. I think you did these things because of the seed of hate your father planted in you. You are still in love with my mother and you've been obsessing over her for 8 years now; ever since she broke up with you. Don't lie to yourself any longer! The only way to move on is accept that you've lost some one. You are displacing your love for her into anger, this way you don't have to deal with the fact that you lost somebody that you loved with all your heart. Please learn from your mistakes with her, I beg of you! And one day you will have a beautiful new wife and you will be happy again.

To Netspliter: In these last years of my life you have been my only friend, I couldn't have made it this far without your company, as much as I hated people I still got lonely and with the support of Evilzone I lived for another few years and managed to finish a lot of my work. I want you to forget about me and continue with your plans, you are a genius no matter what anyone else says and I believe you will succeed.

To Evilzone: This community meant a lot to me, please keep it thriving and alive for me. I found it to be one of the only places that I came any where near to expressing myself at.

Odin: Stay cool, make Evilzone Album 2 for me with Micker.

Micker: You were an ass but I'll miss you, help Odin with the next album.

DarkLord: You crazy sand nigro, EZ misses you so come back.

Bubzuru: You are a great coder, don't ever stop.

Wookie: You have been a grate contributing member, and I will miss your company.

Roen Hayden: I found you to be an intelligent individual who will be missed. Keep reading mate.

jarkmeister: A true Evilzoner :d

joepie: Don't rape me, lul nah. I hope you find some one.

Red0n: Gotta shout out to the only girl on EZ. I could never figure you out, we didn't get along very well but bye.

andT36: You reminded me of Roen Hayden. You were also intelligent, although I must warn you if you keep asking questions you will become as fucked as me. Goodbye mate I hope you find peace.
#
Xeross: You don't post much, at least I haven't noticed it anyway. I hope the pigs stop fucking with you man.

Zero369(or w/e your name was): Negro don't get caught for drugs and I will miss you. I just want to die alone. Good times man, I hope you fuck lots chicks and don't get nailed for your raep activities ok?

Fair well to all of you and the ones I missed, you made life mildly pleasant for me. I can't thank you all enough.

Also to my friend on ventoc. You helped me out a lot and for a while I actually thought things would be ok in my life. Your a mathematical genius, become a professor like you wanted. Do it for me! I hope you find peace, continue your studies and achieve your dreams. You have a brilliant mind and you will make a brilliant professor. Thanks for all your help and I hope you remain ok.

As for my final wishes, I want my body to be donated to medical science, as I've read there are few Cadavers around these days. I always loved science of all kinds. I don't know how useful this body will be after it's ridden with drugs but I hope it helps in learning of some kind.

This message will be sent to Netspliter so he can post it on Evilzone because I want you all to read it. I am going now to get drunk and take numerous Rastavits as well as other pills.

Before I go I want to say. Fuck all religion. Tomorrow if I am not dead I will die of liver failure and my brain will die and thus, I will die. It has always been my belief that all religion is just the result of a presumably stupid person's attempt to rationalise an other wise explainable event using their limited knowledge. There is no heaven and hell, that is just for fear and comfort and is an example of existence derived purely by the selfish nature in us all, decaying our hearts and minds. This is one of the reasons I am leaving this sinful place.

I will never regret leaving this world created solely by the selfish drives and needs of human kind but I do regret all the pain this will cause my loved ones. Nobody has any true reason to exist really, people exist and strive to exist purely for their own selfish enjoyments. I don't want to be like you. From the moment I was born, this world and everything in it has began rotting my mind. So much evil, it really is like Adam and Eve and that fucking apple, why did you take the apple?! When we think about this, it's a good metaphor for everything that is wrong with the world: because WE WANT TO. This is the innate problem in every human being, it's a problem I have been trying to solve my entire life, but I now believe it's impossible.

You'd expect a person to be sad at the thought of impinging doom.

The hardest part was saying goodbye.

Right now I have never been happier in my entire life.

Soon the evil in my mind will be purged by an act so selfish that in it's self it proves my hypothesis, an act necessary to put another piece of shit in that gigantic trash can, where ever it may be and one less piece of trash in the world makes for a cleaner world right? Maybe I am just rationalising it.. Fuck it.

Goodbye everyone.

I love you all.

O RLY · #2 2008-07-29, 03:19

It's a sad day when someone dies. But there is even more sadness when a life is taken of it's own accord. I can say that I have had these thoughts. I've tried to go through with taking my own life. It's understandable that things come up. Life hits you fast, and hard. I just wish he could have reached out first. Basically, what I'm trying to say here, is that you guys always have someone to reach out too. Just because this is a Network Security forum doesn't mean that we aren't here to help you out in any other way. You guys can count on me, I may not be around at the exact time, but I am here for you guys if you need me. I'm not just a Moderator, I'm a friend to all of you. If I can spare some of my time to save a life, and keep from losing another dear friend, I'm more then willing to jump at the opportunity.

I'm kind of getting teared up writing this post out. I hate losing people, even those that are just text on a website, but I can't fucking help it. I feel like I know you guys better then I could ever know any of my friends in real life.

Sirholkms, you were fucking young man! Why did you fucking go! Life is hard, life sucks. I know it feels like you can't turn to anyone or anything, but you were fucking wrong! I'm sure I wouldn't have been a first, second or third choice for you, but know that I would have been there. Fucking bastard. R.I.P friend. I'll make sure to root one for you!

I'll be there for any of you. Like I'm sure you would for me.

Prometheum · #3 2008-07-29, 03:39

Shit, I have no idea what to say to this still. I pulled up my inbox and got hit with this bombshell a few hours ago.

I didn't really know sirholkms that well. I knew he was a good poster most of the time and a good hacker. He did a lot on evilzone, and I think that community sorta stole him from here

but he was damn good, and he'll be missed.

I second O_RLY 100%. We're a community and we need to and can support each other. I'm reachable just about any time if anyone is having trouble, though I don't know how much use I'd be.

This post is a bit disjointed, I'm still having problems even grasping this. I'm still just caught in a giant mental WTF.

You'll be missed, man.

Digital_Savior · #4 2008-07-29, 03:58

It's too late for him, but for others like him, I found this song appropriate.

__________________________________

All You Got

I heard you say that no one seems to care bout you
It's in your eyes, you think that life's unfair to you
Just give it all you got, my friend
Just give it all you got, it's not the end

Cause you oughta know
There's a reason for these changin' seasons
God only knows how much your heart can bear
So don't you let go
Everybody has their up and down times
Everybody needs to know how much they're loved
My friend
So hold on, it's not the end

As I remember everything you touch
Would turn to gold
You held the secrets
To make your grandest dreams unfold
You were the very best of us all
But the sun that rises still falls

Cause you oughta know
There's a reason for these changin' seasons
God only knows how much your heart can bear
So don't you let go
Everybody has their up and down times
Everybody needs to know how much they're loved
My friend
So hold on, it's not the end...

-Tait

buy porn -pay with snakes · #5 2008-07-29, 05:43

He killed himself?

I always hate hearing about suicides. The sheer scale of the misery required to even begin to think that you would be better off dead is difficult to even appreciate, let alone understand.

Even though I never knew the guy, I'm sorry to see him gone.

God Like · #6 2008-07-29, 06:35

wow that letter was sad

Voxelite · #7 2008-07-29, 06:39

Wow... I never even talked to him, but after reading all this, I feel like I just lost a dear friend. I hope no one here ever contemplates suicide... Well, I hope he's happy, wherever he is...

Aragami · #8 2008-07-29, 10:18

I didn't really know him that well, but anyone who contributed to these forums will be missed.

kr13gm31st3r · #9 2008-07-29, 14:32

That's pathetic. I don't feel sorry for him, he obviously wanted to die. Congrats sirholkms on not being a pussy like everyone else that wants to die but doesn't have the balls to kill themselves. We could all live a lot more comfortably without emos.

MrSparkle · #10 2008-07-29, 15:00

Jesus christ he could have at least become a drug addict he didn't have to kill himself. Theres loads of solutions even if they're temporary ones to depression and anxiety. Real bad things happen every day and this is just some kid that killed himself but it still makes me sad reading a suicide note like that.

Ah well he's probably in a better place now.