http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news2068.article.jpg

1. Blue Glass

Type: Euphoric

Method: Smoked

Effects: Feelings of extreme optimism and happiness; greatly enhanced
reflexes; sensory and sexual pleasure; visual acuity. Immediately followed
by semi-permanent suicidal catatonia.

Duration: Five minutes

Cost: $1 per hit

2. Brainscratch

Type: Hallucinogen

Method: Dropped into eye

Effects: Reaches visual cortex in seconds, producing terrifying hallucinations.
Test subjects report loss of identity and feelings of total dislocation
from human world.

Duration: Ten hours to several years

Cost: $2 per dose

3. Zom-B

Type: Narcotic

Method: Injected

Effects: Stuporous mental coma, yet user's motor functions are involuntarily

stimulated. Possible side effects may include walking off bridges or into
oncoming trains.

Duration: Fifteen to twenty hours

Cost: $3 per fix

4. Spike

Type: Stimulant

Method: Ingested as pill

Effects: Rush of physical strength, invulnerability to pain, and
sociopathic impulses. Originally developed by Pentagon as combat drug.

Duration: Two hours

Cost: $5 for 15 pills

≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡

"The wait is over," CIA Director John Deutch said at the festive drug launch, simulcast on giant-screen TVs throughout Watts, Cabrini Green, Newark, and other urban areas. "Inner-city Americans now have four exciting new ways to narcotize themselves, with the quality of product and wide distribution they've come to expect from the CIA."

Reaction to the new drugs (see sidebar) was overwhelmingly positive. "They had a tough act to follow after crack," said New York-area Mafia boss Alfonse DiBiasi, Deutch's close friend and former college roommate. "But this new stuff is just as cheap and every bit as addictive. We're all very excited."

President Clinton praised the CIA as well. "This is a win-win situation for all Americans," he said. "Inner-city Americans will receive the powerful drugs they love, and the CIA will raise the funds they can't get from Congress to get their Jonestown mind-control experiment up and running again."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A Detroit man injects an advance sample of Zom-B. CIA officials expect the new drug to be even more popular than crack.

The new drugs are supported by months of CIA testing to ensure maximum potency and addictiveness. Focus groups, consisting primarily of homeless men and street orphans culled from ghettos around the country, were housed in an underground research facility beneath CIA headquarters in Langley, VA. Only after six months of exhaustive experimentation on members of this target demograph, who sampled hundreds of drugs, were the final decisions made.

"Everybody loves me because I am so beautiful. Anything is possible. I am going to live a very long and happy life," said Oakland, CA, native Charles Simmons, who spent 10 weeks testing Blue Glass, the CIA's new smokable euphoric drug. Simmons then leapt out a window to his death.

"I they I drugs these are very feel good right," said Dwayne Woodson of Bronx, NY, another CIA test participant. "Pork chops three for $2.99."

CIA officials said that testing is necessary in order to avoid releasing potentially dangerous substances into the ghettos. "One initially promising drug was later discontinued due to undesirable side effects, such as increased intelligence and feelings of love for others," said Dr. Harold Vandermeer, head of the CIA's narcotics development team.

Initial product rollout began this week in the ghetto neighborhoods of Los Angeles, Detroit and New Orleans, with all residents receiving a special drug-sampler pack in the mail, including a full-color, English-Spanish promotional pamphlet and instructional videotape. If the market response is as favorable as the CIA expects, the drugs should be available in every ghetto in the nation as soon as August 1.

"I thought I'd never say this," Deutch said, "but put down that crack pipe, ghetto-dwellers: You're going to love these new drugs."

Deutch went on to state that none of the above events "ever happened" and categorically denied any CIA connection with the new drugs

hell yes

I'm stoked!

God knows that ive had all these drugs for years.

About time fuckin' CIA!

I gotsta get summah dat zom-b

Thank god, I've been looking for some cheap yet dangerously addictive new drugs.

Why does the onion pollute us with empty information?


Fake is NOT funny.

Because it has a serious undertone, it states things, packaged as humor, to highlight underlying bits of truth.


Also this:
http://tinyurl.com/6hsjum

Some of those aren't even appealing. That description of the painkiller ruined it for me. Braindead with involuntary muscle movements? No thanks.

I dont know whos more retarded, this guy or the oinion?

stick to crack, kids.

Brainscratch sounds like a lot of fun.

I dont know whos more retarded, this guy or the oinion?


I do, and it's neither of the two options you listed...

Links or this is fake!

Links or this is fake!

just... lol

Brainscratch

Type: Euphoric

Method: Dropped into eye

Effects: Feelings of extreme optimism and happiness; greatly enhanced
reflexes; sensory and sexual pleasure; visual acuity.

Duration: Ten hours

Cost: $2 per dose

Mix it up a bit and it sounds like Cowboy Bebop episode 1, "Asteroid Blues"
Fellow bounty hunters Spike Spiegel and Jet Black track down Asimov Solensan and his girlfriend who are looking for buyers for his merchandise, the "Red Eye" drug.

Peace.

found the origional post this is some funny BS from 1998

+1 that was great also made my day

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news2068.article.jpg

1. blue glass

type: Euphoric

method: Smoked

effects: Feelings of extreme optimism and happiness; greatly enhanced
reflexes; sensory and sexual pleasure; visual acuity. Immediately followed
by semi-permanent suicidal catatonia.

Duration: Five minutes

cost: $1 per hit

2. brainscratch

type: Hallucinogen

method: Dropped into eye

effects: Reaches visual cortex in seconds, producing terrifying hallucinations.
Test subjects report loss of identity and feelings of total dislocation
from human world.

Duration: Ten hours to several years

cost: $2 per dose

3. zom-b

type: Narcotic

method: Injected

effects: Stuporous mental coma, yet user's motor functions are involuntarily

stimulated. Possible side effects may include walking off bridges or into
oncoming trains.

Duration: Fifteen to twenty hours

cost: $3 per fix

4. spike

type: Stimulant

method: Ingested as pill

effects: Rush of physical strength, invulnerability to pain, and
sociopathic impulses. Originally developed by pentagon as combat drug.

Duration: Two hours

cost: $5 for 15 pills

≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡≡

"the wait is over," cia director john deutch said at the festive drug launch, simulcast on giant-screen tvs throughout watts, cabrini green, newark, and other urban areas. "inner-city americans now have four exciting new ways to narcotize themselves, with the quality of product and wide distribution they've come to expect from the cia."

reaction to the new drugs (see sidebar) was overwhelmingly positive. "they had a tough act to follow after crack," said new york-area mafia boss alfonse dibiasi, deutch's close friend and former college roommate. "but this new stuff is just as cheap and every bit as addictive. We're all very excited."

president clinton praised the cia as well. "this is a win-win situation for all americans," he said. "inner-city americans will receive the powerful drugs they love, and the cia will raise the funds they can't get from congress to get their jonestown mind-control experiment up and running again."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

a detroit man injects an advance sample of zom-b. Cia officials expect the new drug to be even more popular than crack.

The new drugs are supported by months of cia testing to ensure maximum potency and addictiveness. Focus groups, consisting primarily of homeless men and street orphans culled from ghettos around the country, were housed in an underground research facility beneath cia headquarters in langley, va. Only after six months of exhaustive experimentation on members of this target demograph, who sampled hundreds of drugs, were the final decisions made.

"everybody loves me because i am so beautiful. Anything is possible. I am going to live a very long and happy life," said oakland, ca, native charles simmons, who spent 10 weeks testing blue glass, the cia's new smokable euphoric drug. Simmons then leapt out a window to his death.

"i they i drugs these are very feel good right," said dwayne woodson of bronx, ny, another cia test participant. "pork chops three for $2.99."

cia officials said that testing is necessary in order to avoid releasing potentially dangerous substances into the ghettos. "one initially promising drug was later discontinued due to undesirable side effects, such as increased intelligence and feelings of love for others," said dr. Harold vandermeer, head of the cia's narcotics development team.

Initial product rollout began this week in the ghetto neighborhoods of los angeles, detroit and new orleans, with all residents receiving a special drug-sampler pack in the mail, including a full-color, english-spanish promotional pamphlet and instructional videotape. If the market response is as favorable as the cia expects, the drugs should be available in every ghetto in the nation as soon as august 1.

"i thought i'd never say this," deutch said, "but put down that crack pipe, ghetto-dwellers: You're going to love these new drugs."

deutch went on to state that none of the above events "ever happened" and categorically denied any cia connection with the new drugs


bullshit!

-5000 for waste of a read, and ontop of wasiting my time, u waisted my time with bullshit.. troll

Mix it up a bit and it sounds like Cowboy Bebop episode 1, "Asteroid Blues"


Peace.

I caught that reference.

Cool show!

Gimme some spike bitch.

If they were real, they'd be the stupidest drugs ever. Thread sucks.

I would take "brainscratch."

kudos to The Doc for the Cowboy Bebop reference. Only anime I ever watched every episode (or session as they referred to them as) of.

Because it has a serious undertone, it states things, packaged as humor, to highlight underlying bits of truth.


Also this:
http://tinyurl.com/6hsjum

Haha, sounds like your face.


and what the fuck! get this fake ass thread out of BLTC

My school had a poster of this on the wall of the nurses office

The poster has advised me on the color of my next Bic.

Do they possibly have T-Virus?

Only drug worth taking on that list is #4.

those blue rocks sure are pretty :p