TL/DR version is at the bottom.

We officially broke up in December, but we maintained a friends-with-benefits sort of deal with the agreement that if either one of us started dating/fucking/whatevering somebody else, that it would end. That continued until May, when school got out and he went back home for the summer.

We would talk every once in a while, probably once a week. He got a job basically babysitting kids who had to go to summer school, and it just ended now that summer school is over.

Here's where the trouble begins: I never told my mom that we had broken up because I'm not close to her at all, and I never really felt the need to. I actually never even told her that we were together, but I guess she figured it out when he practically moved in.

Anyways, a few days ago, I was really pissed off because my cell phone broke, then I lost my wallet, which meant that I couldn't get my cell phone replaced, then I found out that my work schedule was getting cut from 7 to 3 days a week (I was hoping for 5 or 6). After all of that shit happened within a 48-hour period, needless to say, I was not in the best of moods. My mom decided that that would be the perfect time to ask me if my ex and I were still together, so I told her that we weren't.

Of course, she assumed that I was upset about my ex and I breaking up (she never asked when it happened, so I'm assuming that she thinks it happened recently), rather than me losing my wallet, my cell phone breaking, and me getting stuck with a shitty work schedule. So she calls my ex-boyfriend and convinces him to come up here and spend the rest of the summer at our house. He's going to be here on Friday.

The only problem is, I recently started dating a guy from work (yes, I know that this is a horrible idea, and no, this isn't the 30-something year old). He stayed he night at my house last (well, Monday) night, and I was planning on introducing him to my mom, but she was asleep by the time we got there and we were still asleep when she left for work. I'm assuming that she's figured out that the new guy and I are together, but with the way my mom is, you never know...

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I talked to my ex-boyfriend and told him about the new guy, and he said that he was upset about it, but not upset enough to stop him from coming up here. He said that he feels like I cheated on him because I had demanded loyalty from him while we were together and that he hasn't slept with anyone else since we first got together in November of 2006, and now I'm dating someone else. But the whole reason that I even considered dating other people was because #1) he treated me like shit, and #2) he told me he was dating other people!

I don't understand it, when we were together, he told me that he would be fine with me having sex with other guys if it made me happy (which I never did, by the way, that conversation was the result of him wanting me to give him permission to fuck other girls, so I told him that he could fuck other girls if I could fuck other guys. Obviously that wasn't the best argument.), but now that we've been apart for 2 months he gets jealous because I'm dating someone new?

This is the same ex-boyfriend who broke up with me because I wouldn't get rid of my dog for him, and who later shot my dog with his paintball gun because he wanted to practice shooting at something that was moving. And now he's telling me that he wants to go with me to see my recently-acquired horse. When we were together, he wouldn't even come to my house because of my pets, but now he's willingly going to go see and meet my horse?!

I don't understand what's going on. Somebody please enlighten me. Is he just jealous because I have a new boyfriend? What the fuck should I do when he comes here? We've already established that he's going to sleep on the couch in the living room (which is where he used to sleep when we were together, because he refused to sleep in the bed with me), but it's still going to be awkward as fuck, especially if I bring my new boyfriend over (who my mom still hasn't officially met yet). And what if I want to have sex with my new boyfriend? I can't exactly do it with my ex there, but I'd feel just as bad about asking him to leave so we can do it.

TL/DR:
My mom thought I was depressed about breaking up with my ex-boyfriend, so she's having him move back in with us. She doesn't know that I was really just depressed about losing my wallet, or that I have a new boyfriend. Well, she might/should have figured out that I have a new boyfriend. I don't know. Fuck.

Anyways, what the fuck am I supposed to do?

You need a TL/DR version theres no way I'm reading all that.

Ummmm maybe tell her that you have a new boyfriend? Why would she have not cleared this with you before having him move in? WTF? Its not like they can do anything about you having a new b/f. All in all it sounds like a stupid ass situation. Honesty works best though.

Step 1 : let her.

Step 2 : on the first day she has him over, invite your new boyfriend as to introduce him to your mother.

Step 3 : watch her die inside at her phailure. If you're lucky, she might learn something out of this.

Your ex sounds like a prick. Honestly he does.

I say you and your new fella fuck like crazy and you make lots of noise. He'll get pissed off and leave.

Then you can tell your mum that you hate the guy so she owes you.
Failing that, he'll be gone!

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Just tell your ex boyfriend not to visit. Tell him he's an idiot and you don't want to hang out with him....Unless you secretly hope that he'll get to your house, sweep you up in his arms and boldly proclaim: "How could I have been so wrong all of this time? YOU are the love of my life!" And then you two will ride off into the sunset on your new horse.

Seriously, how can you even be conflicted about this?

Indeed. You sound 14.

This is what happens when you spend all your time on totse instead of taking fucking responsibility in life and speaking up/making your own decisions.

Lay in the bed you made.

Wow, that's totally fucked that her solution for thinking you're depressed is to immediately move your ex back in without consulting you.

It's really not rocket science. Tell your mother what actually happened, thank her for caring about you, but then explain to her how fucking stupid it is for her to invite your ex-boyfriend to live with you. Then, tell the ex that he's a dick, you are dating someone else, you want nothing to do with him, and not to bother showing up at your house.

Were your basic problem solving skills in your wallet or something?

Seriously. How is this even an issue?

You say "Mom, I don't want him moving back in here, I have a new boyfriend and don't want to see him anymore."
There. That's it. I can't imagine your mom would be insistent on having your ex move in after that.

What did you even do when she mentioned the idea to you? Just stare blankly and say 'ok'?

This. Assuming you're not retarded there is only one thing you should be doing which is telling him he can't come.

I don't see why you culdn't have rang your ex and told him to not come, or get your mum to ring him and tell him to not come.

Your ex-boyfriend just wants to show up and cause problems with your new relationship. He is probably thinking that your new boyfriend will break up with you because of all the bullshit....and you'll be all vulnerable and sad...so then the ex can take advantage of that situation and get back in your pants.

So...Why don't you just tell your mother you have a new boyfriend??

Fucking this.

Also:
Step 4: ???
Step 5: Profit.

I'm thinking that this is the best plan.

She left me a note this morning saying that my ex told her that he still loves me and that he wants to try to get back together with me. What I don't understand is why he told her that (if he did at all) instead of me.

She wanted it to be a surprise. She still hasn't told me that he's coming to stay with us; I found out from him. I guess she thinks that we aren't talking at all anymore.

He's coming on Friday and she still hasn't said a word about it to me.

I told him about my new boyfriend and that I'm not exactly comfortable with him staying here, but since my mom is the one that invited him and this is her house, there's really nothing that I can do to stop him.

You're right, there is no way out of this impossible situation.

Damn. I feel bad for the new boyfriend.

He's going to be one surprised mother fucker.

You should keep your wallet in a drawer where you know you won't lose it. That's what I do.

It disappeared from my car. I think it fell out when I was getting gas or something.

You could have a spit roast.

So... have you said something to her? Be proactive.

Tell me all about it.

And I now have $150 worth of charges on my debit card from a gas station 30 miles away.

You didn't think to cancel your credit cards?
Or were the tweakers who found it just a little too quick for you.

This has gotta be a troll thread...nobody could possibly be this stupid.

I lost it either Thursday night or really early Friday morning and cancelled them early Friday afternoon, but I guess I wasn't quick enough.

Tell your mother that he got you pregnant. You had an abortion or miscarried really early on or some shit....and the relationship wasn't the same after that. So you broke up, and you're not comfortable having him stay there. You might have to deal with some shit because of it later, but this solves your immediate problem.

Show your mother the nice young man who usually sleeps outside at the end of your street. You know, the one with the unshaven beard and rugged appearance?
This way, you can show her that you're not with your ex boyfriend and you can easily break it off with your current boyfriend.

Tell your mum about the dog. If she's a decent person, your sorted.

Umm, are you conflicted because you think your ex might have changed, and you still like him? or because you think he will fuck shit up?

This thread is pure win.

Be prepared for shit to hit the fan. Your ex-boyfriend said that he wanted you back, he's meeting your new boyfriend. Him starting a fight to try and 'win you back' is a possibility that you might want to keep in mind.
I personally think you should tell your mother that you don't want him there and ask her to ring him up and uninvite him.

The boot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hit bongs not kittens.

I told her about the dog the night that it happened. She called him and told him to come back later that night after I had kicked him out because of it.

I don't know... I still have feelings for him, but I know that he's not going to change. Lately, I've been telling him the same exact things that he used to tell me... He used to say that it was better for us to break up then to drag our relationship out because we both knew that it wasn't going to work out due to my hatred for children and his hatred for animals, among other things. I reminded him of that yesterday when I talked to him, and he said that he would be willing to compromise and put up with my multitude of pets, and that he could even see us getting married one day. I care about him a lot, and if I wasn't with the new guy, I wouldn't have thought twice about getting back together with him, but I know that it's not going to work out between us, so I can't really justify getting back together with him.

But I also do think that he's going to (try to) fuck shit up with the new guy.

Umm, have you told new guy about this? Is he ok with it? I know if I had a boyfriend who all of a sudden told me his ex was moving in for the rest of the summer I'd completely flip. Hell, I'd probably just end it right then. That's some weird fucked up shit dude. Is your mom fucking retarded or something? This is all going to end very badly. Hilariously, but badly.