Since I've made about 3 threads previously about roughly the same subject, this'll probably be the last and longest one. But I just need a bunch of other opinions, and I can't really talk to anyone I know.

Me and my gf used to have sex all the time. Like, 1 or 2 times a day, steadily. It was awesome. Now, fast forward about 8 months. We don't do it anymore really. Once every two weeks, if that.

We still laugh together, we still have fun hanging out, I still love her dearly, she says she still loves me and is in love with me. She's still so beautiful, and I'm still incredibly (moreso than ever maybe) attracted to her.

Before you ask, yes, I've talked about it to her. I did a few nights ago. I was ultra gentle. I was kind, and just asked her if she knew why she doesn't really want to anymore. It just ended with her crying and not telling anything, and me feeling shitty for making her cry.

Last night I talked to her again, and it was even worse, but at least she talked a little. She said that the fact that I "talk about it all the time" (which I ABSOLUTELY don't, she told me that once long ago, and I vowed to myself to rarely if ever bring it up, which I kept to pretty well) has made it awkward for her.

I'm in such a trapped position. If I continue not talking to her, it'll probably just stay the same or get worse. If I do talk to her, I make her cry, and "make it more awkward", and I want that even less.

And the last couple times we have, I just got the vibe that she just felt obligated to do it, and didn't have fun. Which kind of killed it for me. And when she does want to do it, I know she won't want to again for a long time, so it's basically a tease.

She said lots of other things. One was that we kind of don't have the opportunity to, since we're home for the summer. But I know this is BS. It's pretty much the truth that, just as if kids want to drugs they'll find drugs no matter how hard you try to prevent it, if two people want to have sex, they'll find a place.

I don't know what it is. I don't remember if our sex life slowly petered out, or one week it just kind of stopped. But I'm almost positive that she can't be attracted (physically/sexually anyway) to me. I've asked her "Are you still attracted to me?", to which she's said yes a million times. I guess she couldn't really say no, though.

Another thing is that it's slowly but surely making me feel like shit. I mean, I know I'm not really ugly, and women flirt with me pretty often, and my gf says I look sexier than ever. But all of that doesn't really help when the girl you love for some reason just doesn't want you. It hurts, badly.

I'm young, and part of me is asking if I'll regret this on my deathbed, but a meaningful relationship is more important to me. But I don't think she appreciates how hard it is for me. Even if I was single and not getting laid, at least it would be like letting a dog run around the yard to chase the chickens instead of just tying it to a stake and making it know there's no chance.

And there's no way I could say this to her, but I wish that, as much as it hurts, if she doesn't want to have sex with me, she could at least help me out. But I guess that's not gonna happen either.

I'm horny, constantly. I'll jack off and it'll do nothing for me. I'm doing it 3 times a day usually. I know that's not a lot for some people, but it is for me. And I'm so bored with porn. I have tons of it, but it just doesn't do it.

I just don't get it. I'm so confused and it's wrecking me. I'm not going to break up with her over this, but it's hard. Part of me says "Sex is a tiny part of life, jack off when you're horny, and move on to do greater things." But that's me thinking logically, and my feelings tell me something very different.

Right now what I think I'm going to do is buy a fleshlight, and LITERALLY not mention it to her for a long time. See if it helps like she said it will (though it didn't really before).

can someone please help me?

tl/dr: fuck you.

Sex is not a tiny part of a relationship, its a fucking huge part of the relationship.
Fuck other people on the side.
Seriously

Its almost impossible for us to give you any real advice because this is something going on deep inside her.

People do just go off sex for a while, not in any sense of replusion, just it doesn't seem to figure on their radar. SO it might just be that.

Could also be some fear, like fear of pregnancy (however irrational it may be).

Until she's ready to talk about it then there ain't much you can do other then wank or be celibate, assuming she's more important to you than sex.

The basic process in this situation is to:


1) Talk to her about it.
2) Try spicing things up (try new places, positions, more foreplay or romance, etc).
3) Sex/relationship therapist.
4) Break up.


Of course, if you're impatient, you can always skip straight to step 4. You have every right to expect sex in a relationship unless she has a legitimate (IE: medical) excuse. And even then, it's not like you're bound by any kind of legitimate obligation.

I'm afraid it's my fault though. It could be something with her, but I'm afraid I've ruined it or something.

She's not afraid of getting pregnant. BC and condoms.

And she is that important to me.

Have talked to her about it. Ended badly.

We've done all that stuff. We've gone through lots of stuff.

I can't afford a therapist, and there's no way she'd go to one.

Not breaking up, it's the easy way out.

maybe she had an abortion... if this was a mystery show like house or something... that would be my guess for the end of the episode and everyone would be really suprised, and be like, "OOOOHHHHHHHHHhhh, that makes perfect sense now...!"

or maybe she was raped and doesn t want to say anything about it.

No, she hasn't been raped. No, she hasn't had an abortion.

Okay first of all shut the fuck up. Stop the crying, and feeling sorry for yourself. It's obvious you want to have sex. Now, set your feelings aside for the moment, and just get to the bottom of the problem. What the fuck is wrong with asking her why she doesn't want to sleep with you? Fuck if it makes her cry, that is just her trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation. You might even find out that she has been cheating on you. Who knows, what has her behavior been like? The point is you need to ask her.

Don't go behind her back and cheat because you are too much of a coward to confront her on the issue and bring up hurt feelings. Find out what is bother her, and find out whether or not it is big enough to end the relationship. Communication is the most important thing, and you are severely lacking it.

HOLY FUCK.

Are you sure I didn't make this thread?

I was in the EXACT same position. WORD FOR WORD.

It made me feel like such shit. She never wanted me. She was so overt about it, that she felt nothing for me physically. There was no passion. And yes, we did have sex from time to time. every other week generally. And it was exactly as you said...the obligation, something she felt she had to do. And I never enjoyed it. I just got it over with as quickly as I could, and let it go. I didn't even want the sex anymore. And then one day she actually called me disgusting. And it wasn't a casual joke, it was filled with venom, hate.

I knew for a fact that I wasn't what she wanted. She wanted someone older, stronger, more aggressive. And she could never feel any sort of lust for me. I guess she tried, but it cut me deep.

In the old days, sometimes I would just lay against her breasts and suck on them, and it wouldn't be sexual. It was just the intimacy, the being close, the love. And I would fall asleep like that. And as the sex died off, she wouldn't even let me touch her like that.

I can't even begin to tell you how angry I am, looking back. That she didn't respect me. That she thought she was too good for me. That she dared to fucking think I wasn't enough for her. Because I always was. Always. She just never gave me a chance.

And the strange part is...I never felt any attaction for her in and of herself. Physically, she was okay. Nice breasts, but that was about it. I always wanted her, because I loved her. And the lust came with that love. And looking back, it enrages me that she dangled sex...like it was something I had to chase after. Like she had some golden pussy. But she wasn't a supermodel by any stretch of the imagination. She never shaved/trimmed. She had a camel toe. She was heavier then I would have liked. But whatever...those were all such small things. I wanted her, because she meant that much to me. I wanted her more then I would have wanted any supermodel type.

But the fact that she thought she was such hot shit that I should have had to work for pisses me off almost as much as the fact that she didn't want me.

It's such a psychological blow to be rejected that often. Where every time you go to touch the woman thats supposed to belong to you, you get met with disgust, revulsion. Like you're supposed to feel shame/guilty for wanting her.


The bottom line, is that sex is an integral part of any relationship. Girls will try and turn this around with something like 'All you want is sex', and its bullshit. It's just to make you feel guilty. Sex, beyond the base physical pleasure, is simply a way of bonding intimately with your lover. If one person doesn't want sex, it's because they don't want to be bonded with you. (I'm talking consistantly, not when you're just not feeling it one night)

I don't know enough about your relationship. But a lack of sex -ALWAYS- reflects on deeper problems in the relationship. Always. Something else was fucked up that you may or may not have failed to realize.

If you try to fight it, she'll bullshit you and lay a half dozen psychological traps to make you feel like shit because SHE doesn't want you. It's not even worth fighting over. Just get out of there...I know, it sucks. And you're not going to take this advice, because even though I know its the thing to do I keep expecting her to shape up and come back. It's not going to happen though.

But mark my words, your relationship has a VERY fixed amount of days left. She doesn't want you. It cant survive on that premise alone. And you're humiliating yourself by pursuing her. You'll still see her of course. And hang out, but as a sign of dignity...stop trying to have sex with her.

I'm speaking to you from the future. I'm standing in EXACTLY the same place you're going to be in less then a month. And I leave you with this message. It's going to hurt, a lot. And the only consolation you'll have are the small victories you can secure now. Stop playing into her games. And at least you'll be able to look back and take comfort in that fact.


EDIT: The kicker? She's going to read this at some point. So now I'll never have to be tempted to go back to someone who doesn't want me.

You might even find out that she has been cheating on you.

I'm pretty sure this is a very real possibility. Women love to play innocent, but the bottom line is they need sex too. And i'd bet a fairly huge chunk of money that mine was getting it from somewhere else.

Okay first of all shut the fuck up. Stop the crying, and feeling sorry for yourself. It's obvious you want to have sex. Now, set your feelings aside for the moment, and just get to the bottom of the problem. What the fuck is wrong with asking her why she doesn't want to sleep with you? Fuck if it makes her cry, that is just her trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation. You might even find out that she has been cheating on you. Who knows, what has her behavior been like? The point is you need to ask her.

Don't go behind her back and cheat because you are too much of a coward to confront her on the issue and bring up hurt feelings. Find out what is bother her, and find out whether or not it is big enough to end the relationship. Communication is the most important thing, and you are severely lacking it.

I'm not crying and I'm not feeling sorry for myself, though it might seem that way.

Yes, I want to have sex.

You clearly haven't been in a meaningful relationship if you don't mind making someone you love cry. It hurts you more than it hurts them.

I know as well as someone could possibly know that she isn't cheating. She spends pretty much all her free time with me, so she wouldn't have the time. And she doesn't really have a place, or know anyone. Trust me, she's not.

And I will NEVER cheat on her, ever. Didn't I make that clear? Maybe not. Well, I won't.

Apparently you don't understand. I've already TRIED to communicate. I've tried and tried and tried. That's THE PROBLEM. You have a pretty fucked up view of love...

Then it all boils down to just one possible scenario...

She's found someone else.

Seriously. And judging by the way that you're waxing all romantic, she knows you're not going anywhere. So she can have her little fling on the side and still come back to you at the end of the day.

But of course, you're going to swear up and down that this is absolutely impossible.

You should at least entertain the possibility...

you cant rule those possibilities since she WONT talk about it

you cant rule those possibilities since she WONT talk about it

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She may just have a low sex drive. I often just don't feel in the mood for sex, but may just end up having sex anyway because I feel terrible for my boyfriend. I hate that I can't get aroused easily - I wish I could give my bf all the sex he wanted! Some women are just not wired the right way.

I was wondering though if she may be uncomfortable with her body? I think that contributes a lot to one's sex drive. I have parts of me that I feel ashamed of showing my boyfriend even though he constantly tells me I am beautiful (yes, he's awesome). But I have been going to the gym and putting in a lot of effort. Now, some results are just starting to show, and I already feel more comfortable and willing to have sex as I do not have feel like hiding parts of me. My sex drive is slowly starting to re-feul. Anyways, that's just a thought - I don't know if she is insecure... Good luck.

I didn't read any of the replies in this thread, so I might be repeating something. I was in this same situation with a girl I was dating, so what I'm going to tell you is from my own experience. You're making it no fun for her because you're the one who wants it. Stop "wanting" sex. Don't talk about it, don't mention it, don't hint at it. Don't do anything sexual with her. Stop seeing her so often. There's a lyric from a song that illustrates this, "when you're away I feel I'm empty, I lose my mind. But when you're around I take for granted most of our time." So yeah, she's taking you for granted. If you're not around as much, she'll want to be with you more. I figured this out when the girl I was dating colored her hair this ugly fucking color. It really pissed me off, and I could barely look at her. See, I loved her hair before. I gave her too much attention. All of a sudden I quit doing that, and she flipped. She started giving me the attention, and she wanted to fuck. She told me shit like, "if i'm not married when i'm 23 you have to marry me." It was a complete 180. So your solution is simply this: stop giving her attention. She'll come around within 2 weeks. If she doesn't, there's a real issue going on. You'll want to end the relationship soon if this doesn't get better because believe me, it will NEVER fix itself, and you cannot do anything about her behavior.

sounds alot like the situation that i've been in for a few months.

did she start taking birth control when you two got together? if so it might be that. my girlfriend was on depo provera and it completely destroyed her sex drive.

Apparently you don't understand. I've already TRIED to communicate. I've tried and tried and tried. That's THE PROBLEM. You have a pretty fucked up view of love...

He's right actually, and your judgment is clouded by emotion. Sex and communication are big parts of a relationship and the fact is your relationship is lacking these things, bingo bango, we have a problem.

Did she recently get off birth control or start a new one? This affects pheromone reception and whatnot, which could lead her to not be attracted to you anymore.

Also, it sounds like she is either cheating on you or is being manipulative. Lack of communication is a pretty big problem.

Did she recently get off birth control or start a new one? This affects pheromone reception and whatnot, which could lead her to not be attracted to you anymore.

Bingo! Here is a major concern. I was having sex daily, but then she changed pill and after that I was having sex like once a week (over time, the whole wanting it, and not getting it has made my sex drive die, and it's still pretty dead).

So she'd get off the pill for a bit and be as horny as ever. It truly fucks with some girls sex drives.

Did she start taking the pill, or a new pill, around the time her sex drive for you died off?

Ask her if she still touches her self. If so, how often. Ask her to stop for a while. Let some sexual tension build up. Also listen to Fanglekai and stop seeing her as much. If I see some one every day I don't desire them as much as when I've had a break. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Threads like these make me glad I'm single.

...something has to.

Anyway, bottom line is something is obviously bothering her heaps if she starts crying. You're making an effort to find out what's up and she's guilt tripping you.

From her behaviour cheating sounds very possible.

Did she recently get off birth control or start a new one? This affects pheromone reception and whatnot, which could lead her to not be attracted to you anymore.

EXCELLENT point and one I totally didn't think of.

Nah, she's been on BC forever. Hasn't changed it or anything.

Guys, it may seem like it from what I've told you, but she probably hasn't found someone else, and she's DEFINITELY not cheating on me. She just doesn't really have the time to, and I'm pretty sure she's off sex, and not just with me.

And I really don't think she's being manipulative, no matter how much it seems that way from what I've said.

I dunno. I really have no idea. My plan right now is to never mention it, and follow more fruitful pursuits in life. Some of the most successful people have been celibate, though I'd rather not be.

You're terrible in the sack.

She doesn't get pleasure from sex.

The end.

she finds you disgusting.
she is disgusted with herself for being with you.
she is thinking: "i don't like this....but he hasn't done anything wrong".

she probably *wants* to be with someone else but is not cheating on you.

it's ending very soon and you'll probably end it out of boredom.

Not breaking up, it's the easy way out.

Hardly. The easy way out is effectively approaching her and working on a solution. She is using the tears to hide the real reason(s) why. If you can't communicate, the relationship is as good as over now.

and she's DEFINITELY not cheating on me. .

Famous last words. You aren't the first person to KNOW this and be wrong.

So. what did you end up doing?