First off, to hopefully deter any "too long didn't read'-esque replies, this is gonna be long and probably cliche ridden.

In the fall of 04, I began talking to this girl from my high school, she was a foreign exchange student who would only be there for the year. As soon as I started talking to her, I felt like in some manner I connected with her like I hadn't connected with anyone else before. Initially we were just talking on AIM, and I started spending a lot of time at the computer, just because I was talking to her. We talked for hours every day, basically. She gave me a piece of candle wax for christmas, and I still have my favorite gift from that year.

Second semester, she was in the Pre-Calculus class I transferred into several weeks after the class had started. We often worked in groups, and when we did, I took that opportunity to talk to her for that extra little bit. When we weren't working in groups, we would sign (we both only knew the alphabet, though) across the room, enough so that the the teacher eventually instituted a "**Her name** Rule" that is still in effect with his classes today. I was informed that when we weren't somehow communicating during class, she was often staring at me. She usually had the highest or next highest grades in that class, and i usually had the lowest or next lowest, cuz I hadn't taken one of the pre-requisites for the class and fell behind quickly. She tried her best to show me how to do everything, and seemed to get mad when I didn't seem to care, because she didn't want me to fail.

She had already became, far and away, my best friend. I was closer to her than I was to anyone else, and vice versa. But we both thought thats all the other person wanted, and were afraid of what would happen when she left, and never said anything to the other person. Eventually she left, after that school year ended, and it sucked. I spent the next two years depressed as fuck. I tried my best to forget her, and there was at least one very lon period where I didn't really talk to her at all. That was also the period where I was doing lots of blow, which I now realized was no coincidence.

When I started talking to her again, after awhile, I realized I had to tell her how I felt, and either find out she felt the same way or stop talking to her forever, because it killed me talking to her and holding it in. As I was working my way up to telling her, she actually beat me to it, and I was able to tell her, finally, "I love you." I IMMEDIATELY felt like a huge burden had been lifted from me, literally, and I shit you not, things really did look visibly brighter. During that conversation, knowing that afterwards I might never talk to her again, I had cried, and actually passed beyond any form of sadness to a state of just being numb, and not feeling anything; by far the worst feeling I've ever felt. I suppose thats when things started to seem more dim, but things really did brighten.

For quite awhile afterwards, we talked for hours everyday again, until it just became unfeasible. Before she left, she said that every time I missed her, I could write (ala a diary) things down in a notebook as if I was talking to her. She actually did this, and she sent me her notebook,even though it was very hard for her to do so. Although biased, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever read. While reading it, I laughed to tears, but more often was brought to tears through other means. Its in my car, but I'll post a couple excerpts in another post. I realized she had went through so many things I had. Apparently, we both had seen life as hopeless, but the thought of not being able to see the other person again kept us alive.

But to wrap this whole thing up, I still don't know how this whole thing could end. Its been 901 days since I've seen her, and I thought by now I'd be over her, but I'm not. I absolutely see her as my soul-mate, we're just sooo similar in ways that would take me hours to describe adequately. I want to marry her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I want to start a family with her. But the obvious hurdles are so huge. I live in the U.S., she lives in Ukraine. I don't speak more than a few dozen words of Ukrainian, and she loves Ukraine, although she'd be willing to move here. I don't want to ask her to do that, I feel like its my turn to make a sacrifice this time.

Basically, I just wanted more opinions about this. I'm I a fool for this? Is it completely out of the question to feel like this, still or even at all? I've met no one else in this time period who interests me for very long, and every female falls far short of the benchmark shes set in my mind. I feel like if this doesn't work, the moment when I see her for the first time in so long next summer will be the happiest I'll ever be.

"I've just realized how much I really miss you. IBut whenever I tell you what I feel you show me you don't feel the same way, so I probably shouldnt say that any more. I havent read what i've written in this notebook, but i'm sure I just say the same things over and over. I can't write in it any more. I just can't, can't, can't. At first this notebook and your messages helped me a lot. But now..Idk. It just hurts me."

"I really don't know why all this is happening. Its just too difficult to even try to explain. But you're my favorite accident, if it was, too, just so you know. And for some reason I'm always afraid I'm never gonna see you again, and this 'fact' bother s me a lot, though sometimes I think it might be better that way, because I seem to often ruin everything good in my life."

"TY for always being 'there' for helping me whenever i ndeeded help, making me laugh whenever I was sad and etc., etc, etc, etc. I'm just too tired to write it all down. I often think that if I lose you I might lose the will to move and just live as well though of course I can't tell for sure because I just don't know it yet. Because you mean to me more than I could ever explain. You're something that makes my life meaningful in a way, if it makes sense. It might not since its 4am now..............Anyway, have fun, tienes divertido, and such. I copy you way too much. I hope you don't mind I just adore you. -######"

"Its obviously difficult for me to send this little notebook to you, even thought thats what it was designed for, because its like turning myself inside out in front of you, in a way. And i've never done anything like that before. But I love you, thats why I'm doing it. But all those mistakes just make me sooooo mad at myself. I hate making em, I really do. And I really really miss you, I wish you came sooner. And I like your name alot, and your handwriting, I guess i just like everything about you, thats not surprising, is it?"

"I actually talked to you today. I wish you knew how painful it is to see yourself losing what you loved the most. Today I realized we actually see the same sun in the sky. I always loved the sun, but now I'll start loving it even more, because it connects (in some way, just for a few hours a day, but still) me and you at least a litttle bit. I've never had a friend I loved more and trusted more than you. But I understand we can't be good friends any more, we get too different over time. But today I felt again-somebody understaood what I meant, even though it made sense to know one else. **Picture of a sun** These things never happen to one person twice in a lifetime. Thats what makes me sad. But as 'Unknown' said, "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.'"



*********And this is just a random quote I wanted to add. Its from my psychology teacher, he won a grammy, hes done so much in life. Someone asked him if there was anything he wanted to pass on to us, what it would be, he said:

"The time of my life that was my time with Richard's Mother(thats what he always caused his 1st wife, his son's mother) is easily the greatest time of my life. People didnt understand. They didnt understand why she came to every band practice. They didnt understand why we were always together. They didnt understand why we always seemed so happy. They didnt understand that we always seemed happy because we were always together, because thats what always made us happy. Being around her was better than anything else in the world. And I let that get away, and theres nothing I regret more. So I would say, if you find true love, grab on and don't let go, don't let yourself make the same mistake I did. I don't care if you have to go to Nigeria, Korea, Russia, whatever, it doesnt matter. Hold onto that love even if means going across the world to do it, because true love is the most precious thing you'll ever have"

Thanks and more thanks to anyone if they actually read anywhere close to part of this, I really do thank you.

Dude! You have you heard of something called paragraphs?!

Um, yea, its in paragraphs. Its not indented at the beginning of the paragraphs for some reason, but its supposed to be. Notice where theres a long line of empty space between the last word of a sentence and the right edge of the box, thats my paragraph. Do you mean like, double spacing it between paragraphs or something?



****EDIT**** And yea, sorry dude if I came across harshly. I didn't realize at the time that the standard paragraphs on totse were basically just double spaced between, cuz apparently you can't indent. I was a bit of an ass about that.

Go to her man, go to her.

This actually made me feel something inside, which is odd, well done. You obviously love her, and she loves you. Go to her.

Earth!

How old are you?

If your young(teenager). You will get over her eventually. Just wait it out and start fucking some bitches.

If your 20+, then WTF are you still doing in the USA? If you truly loved her, you would fly to fucking ukraine right now to be with her.

You fail either way until you do something instead of whining on a fucking forum. Fag.

I've always been attracted to foreign women just because they come from outside the western culture; all I've ever known.

They're generally different; beautiful in their own ways. I attribute it to have never met someone like that before in my life. Someone so different than all of the women around me, that I can't help but be attracted to one woman.

They're truly unique.

Also, foreign women like it when you're really nice to them, completely the opposite of what you need to do to attract females of American nationality (I.E Treat them like shit; chances of sex and/or loving is increased by 20-50% if you are a junkie).

Aside from the last paragraph, most philosophical way possible to put it.

I believe you must still try and be with her. If you feel you are being selfish in asking her to come to USA then by all means go to Ukraine for this girl. Sweep her off her feet etc. In every way it is a viable solution. It's one or the other she comes to you and you come to her. If you feel this strongly about her why were you even contemplating about letting her go? In a few years if you don't try and go for her you will be stuck wondering what it could have been the rest of your life. And why do that when you could possibly be with the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I'll answer this separately, cuz its very dissimilar to the rest of the responses. I'm about 2 months shy of being twenty, to answer your first question. Also, money is an issue, I plan to go this summer to visit and see what happens.

You fail because you fail to see everything existing in more than black and white. Within the shades of grey, if the fact that by truly loving her, I care about the best thing for her. If I were to "fly to fucking Ukraine right now," its possible thats not the best thing for her. I wouldn't want to hurt her by putting on her head the knowledge that I made such a huge sacrifice, if that sacrifice would be in vain. Do you realize how much pressure she would feel? And if it already hurts her to be apart, I wouldn't want to put her through the pain of separating again, if its an inevitability. (which I don't think it is.)

So, does being empathetic make me a fag? If so, its probably only my empathy for you thats causing it. Cuz I feel your pain. Fag.

Thank you, really. And thanks to you to, Scorpio. I'm glad I was able to make you feel something inside, at least that means I was able to get my point across.

As I semi-explained in the last post, the reason I'm contemplating letting her go is because I think it might be the best thing for her. I could handle w/e hurt it might cause me to let her go if it would release her from the hurt of holding on. I've tried to forget her, she's tried to forget me, but it didn't work either way. We've both spent 3 years feeling like this, and I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life like this.

I'd be ecstatic to spend the rest of my life with her. If it doesn't work because of some stupid reason that has nothing to do with the way we feel about each other, I'd instead spend the rest of my life with the longing for her.

I've considered before, and I told her this awhile ago, trying to somehow change the way she feels about me. You know, the whole "Act like an asshole till she hates you" thing, because I thought that would be the easier thing for her. I'd still have to deal with the way I felt about her, but she wouldn't have to feel that way about me anymore. I thought it would probably even be the better thing, but I knew I'd never be able to live with myself after doing whatever I would have to do for her to hate me. When I told her that, she said it wouldn't matter, she could never hate me.

I would hate me for making her spend the rest of her life feeling like I have the last couple of years, even though it wasn't intentional. Its far worse than the feeling I would have after someone did something bad enough to make me hate them. Hopefully this paragraph made sense.

I want to sweep her off her feet, I want to make any sacrifice I can for her, but its hard. If that makes me a pussy, or a fag, then I am. Yes, I know life is often hard; but when a decision is hard, its not as easy as saying "Fuck it" and making your choice. The decision fucks you, before, during, and after your choice. I just don't know how I'm gonna take it.

I've always been attracted to foreign women just because they come from outside the western culture; all I've ever known.

FYI, I'm not JUST attracted to her cuz she's a foreign woman. Its not that shes just really different from every other girl I've met in a cultural kinda way. Shes just different in a person kinda way. We're just so alike and n*sync (sorry, had to do it) in so many ways. Of course, not totally, but that wouldn't be cool.

And I had to let you know this, pay attention to the second part of my user name. It dates back to 10th grade, but its an altered take on J1, or Jayone. Its not my real name or anything, just very similar. Just wanted to point out the J1/J2 think. Probably wasted someones time, sorries.



And WTS do you mean by Earth, Renholder? I think your South Carolina is showing.

I actually lol'ed at that one. I think he was going for Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, Heart! He might have also been expecting the summoning of captain planet somewhere down the line.

The Power Is Yours!

http://www.tjtvland.com/sitebuilder/images/OompaLoompa-192x195.png

Tackiness ensues; 'Love' will choose it's victims spuriously.. ..furiously - Unlike fate 'time' is something love won't bide - then claim their souls no matter what is done.
Take stand and battle it to lose the fight, or for Vict'ry take as a horse to ride, just "make your time now" and may it come.
Whether love is heaven or love is hell - Be warned, before the sun's course is run - the heart you'll search for a truth that's right.
A secret that father time won't tell.

- Make of that what you want it'd cheap and shoddy but there's a shitty little message in it, take of your situation what you will, when you've got your mind reply.. ..with your conclusion (on what you're going to do because you're another that can't pretend it doesn't exist in an attempt to make it fade away. You've got to choose whether you'll battle both your feelings and keep living your lives as they are or live with a quickfired decision to pack your shit up. 'The Temple''s no place for advice realer than this.) because I'm interested.
http://gilgamesh.hamsterrepublic.com/albums/Misc/Drill_sergeant_screams.jpg

It's your own life so man the fuck up make a life changing decision already and live with it....
....SAYS THE POT.

I must be brief but I have an update.

Pending no changes while I'm in Ukraine this June, she'll be moving here in order to spend the rest of her life with me. Before she said she'd move her, I had told her that I was willing to move there, etc. She said there was no way she would let me.

3 years ago, she had told me she would never leave Ukraine, she absolutely loves her country, and that always worried me.

When I brought that up, she said she still wouldn't leave Ukraine-unless I was where she was going. She said that between Ukraine and I, I win.

I'm elated. Anyone that gave me advice, thanks. Its possible if I hadn't received such constructive criticism as "ur a fag," then I would still be sitting here depressed wishing. Mazel Tov, niggas.

http://www.geocities.com/yummyphysics/imgconvection/lconvection2.JPG

I don't really understand this oven image comment of yours. Care to elaborate?

Done.

EDIT: Post-script: Just a self humouring statement.

I was truly completely moved by this. This is fucking love. I have no faith that it will work out in the end. Zero. None. But, holy god it's so fucking beautiful and so fucking rare. Do it for the experience.

Mozel Tov from Israel!

This is love!

Congrats man, I really envy you... I have a post about my problem but unfortunately it just isn't as simple as yours was :(

I didn't think the oven had anything to do with me saying mazel tov and such. Its all so clear now.

Thanks for the 'good luck' from the totse ambassador to israel. L'Cheim!

And uh, smthn to that other guy that said it won't work but it'll be worth the experience. Thanks I suppose. I hope it will, and I doubt you hope it doesn't, but I agree that it really is ultimately a long shot. But maybe I'll get lucky, ya know? And if I don't, you'll be right. I hate to wish bad things upon other people, but in this case, I hope you're wrong.

Congrats man, I really envy you... I have a post about my problem but unfortunately it just isn't as simple as yours was :(

It never ever seemed simple to me, guy. Far from it. Theres a lot I left out of explaining that would have made it a lot more complicated. So, although you still may be in a more complex conundrum, you still may have a simple solution. I'm gonna try to find it, and see if I can try and offer you any input whatsoever.

Damn man that made by eyes start to tear up. Thats deep bro, id be saving up some cash to go see her or something there's no end with anything in life unless you put one into the equation.

It always seems to be that you can get a extra wallop of emotion with foreign girls. I sort of avoided a situation like yours, in advance. Girl was heading back to her homeland in a year and theres no way I'd be able to come to terms if I managed to create a relationship with her realizing she'd be leaving in a quick year. It'd be like saying heres a million dollars, you can hold onto it, but you need to give it back in due time.

I was afraid of a relationship for that very same reason, Nitrous Mafia, and thats why we never admitted anything to each other. We were just friends, and she became my best friend, which also ended up being a very hard thing to lose. But like, I really thought it would be a lot easier than it was, and I didn't foresee us growing as close as we ultimately did.