Preface: I really don't expect anyone to read this, I just kind of need to get it off my chest. This is the best place I can think of to put this(besides spurious, but they are fucking retards. S&A seems to have the most intelligence populace, overall. I also don't feeling like having headshrinkers tell me I need medication, etc etc.)

If a mod sees fit to delete it, that's fine. Talking to a bunch of anonymous strangers is better than no one at all.... right?

The long part:

I have stopped caring. About everything. Almost entirely. I have a good* life, I have an amazing girlfriend, I am told I am intelligent. I just don't care anymore.

If I don't do well into school, I can't make it to my desired profession, I'll die poor and alone, etc. I just can't bring myself to care. I spend most days going to do work to get to a place so I can pay tons of money, which I have yet no way of making, so I can get a job I am probably going to hate. So I can scrape by and hate my life. For some reason that just doesn't motivate me.

My girlfriend is the best person in the world, she loves me more than anything, she's beautiful, just absolutely perfect in my eyes. I love her more than life itself, I don't know what I would do without her. And yet, I find myself completely apathetic. I've been avoiding her lately, and making excuses to get away from her. Why? To be alone, by myself, doing nothing at all. Why? I have no idea. She is obviously getting upset/concerned that I have been avoiding her so much.

Lately the only respite I find is solitude and absence of pretty much anything.

I'm not going to tell you my exact age. Somehow everyone older than you is instantly wiser/higher up on the food chain. It's the eleventh commandment, I promise.

It's to the point where I can't even be assed to make my own food anymore. If there isn't something readily available, I just don't eat. My place is a horrid mess, because I can't be bothered to clean it. My grades are slipping, because I just don't care enough to do assignments.

I am more apart of my girlfriends family than my own. There was a big to do here recently, which has left me stressed out like an OCD person in a dirt factory. As such I have been sick for the last week and missing classes again(which I just recently broke the habit of doing.)

I really see no direction in my life. Work my ass off for 40 years so I can sit around and wait to die?

Woo. Hoo.

I was heavily depressed in my younger years, for a very very specific set of reasons, which I never really fully understood/grasped/realized till recently. They told me I needed pills. I took their pills, I nearly died, they completely fucked me over,etc. Gave me a dozen+ "trial medications." Told everyone to go fuck themselves, refused medication of any kind for ~4 years; I got over it by myself. Cured of depression, yay. This really isn't the same box of crackers.

My psychoanalytical write up includes but is not limited to: Insomnia, mild OCD, slightly superiority complex, more than slight inferiority complex, nonexistent to severe paranoia**, and I also don't like most dogs. I am polyamorous by nature (One downfall of having a penis.) but hate that part of me, so I am faithful to the bitter end. I also like vanilla more than chocolate.

I am never having kids, my mother made sure of that. I think I might want to want to have kids, but thats not for certain. My girlfriend doesn't want kids.... right now. What if she does later on?

I used to pride myself in my punctuality; nowadays I can't even be bothered to make the effort to get places. During the summer my entire group of "friends***" were "busy" whenever I called, and only invited me in on their plans when they needed a ride somewhere.

It's impossible for me to get excited over anything. I rarely feel anything other than what can be described and a gentle humming in the back of my head, preventing me from being anything but apathetic and belligerent.

I hate my mother. A lot. By no fault of my own, tis her own doing, and it took a while, but she accomplished it.**** The only other part of my family I talked to I had a "falling out with." aka if they show up at my place, I am calling the police, and getting them for whatever I can possibly think of.

I can't sleep unless I am completely exhausted, but I just don't care to, I lay there and think about how idiotic the entire situation is. How I am aspiring to such a grand plan of mediocrity and probably unhappiness. How theres really no point to what everyone says my aspirations should be. How I am going to spend my entire life staring at my ceiling, waiting for sleep to take me, and dreading that it should ever let me go.

I guess I have run out of steam. Suggestions/ideas/whatever are welcome, but not expected. If you are going to be anything but productive/neutral, fuck off.

One last thing: Inb4 "Huff Raid", "Murder/Suicide", Any suggestion entailing rape/suicide/murder/burglary/acrobatics/pyrotechnics/politics is really unnecessary.





*Depending on how you look at it.

**depending on the situation/sleep deprivation.

***People around here I disliked the least. Not to say I liked them, only that I didn't actively dislike them. Though I live in a relatively small podunk sort of city. It is the worlds largest geriatric clinic. That could be the reason for that, but I don't see why I would liek people other places any more than here.

**** Inb4 "Cry cry, emo kid." Fuck off.

Woah...I read that and saw a lot of myself in it. Sucks for us mate.

In my situation, I'm just trying to think positively and enjoy where I am right now. I don't like thinking of "where do I see myself in 5 years" or some other such bollocks. I don't know where I will be and I really don't care.

All I can suggest is try to enjoy where you are mate. I got nothing else. But when I work out how to sort this mess out, I'll be back!

Knowing I'm not the only one is... encouraging?

Slightly depressing actually. Unfortunately for me, I am a planner by nature. I have to know what to do now, so I can know what to do later. My mind needs to make plans so I can sit around and not accomplish them.

I'd be an alcoholic, but it's too damn expensive. Besides, I'm not dedicated enough for it.

I'd be an alcoholic, but it's too damn expensive. Besides, I'm not dedicated enough for it.

I know what you mean man... I don't think I could be an alcoholic and have a job at the same time, so I don't know, I probably couldn't pull it off.

Wow.....except for a few circumstantial details, you just described me.....whoa.

Like, psycho, I'll edit this when I'm not so strapped for time (I just got a gf.....even after I told myself i wouldn't due to me hating having to share my life with another person, so I'll be busy)

In the mean time, sleep.

I honestly think you are just a pessimist self-diagnosing yourself with depression. Basically, you need to just admit you are emo, or go smoke some bud.

I use to be like that, the only thing to really make me feel good mentally use to be whatever drug i had on hand back in previous times.

I just made a transition in my life that proved to myself and such that i have something to live for and that i want to remain here.

Obviously something clicked in your head and you got this downward spiral of negative thoughts. Honestly your prolly going to get pissed at me for telling you this, but i think your being fucking selfish bro. People who dont even have 1 thing of yours are still living in this world managing to make it. What about old fuckers that are like 80+ yrs old how do you think they feel? They may be tired of living here on earth but they still realize they have some self worth around here. You got a nice setup and your complaining, what more could you want bro? Ask yourself that, you need to realize where u stand at versus others.

I thought a lil bit about that myself when i was stuck in some heavy anxiety stages and such back in the day. I didnt want to function because of whatever reason. School was near impossible to sit through...everything was just bothering me. Back then before those stages i didnt care about my life that much and even wish i wasnt here, but after going through those type of stages im glad to be alive.

I also hope you dont think your the only one feeling like this? If i had a $1 for everytime that talked negative stuff to me about themselves id have enough money to match bill gates. Everyone has down times in life regardless of age infact thats almost always what i hear anymore, people complaining, im use to it since its the american way....

I know you are right, but even so, that kind of "positive thinking" or change of attitude or thought process just doesn't help me get out this rut.

Thing is, I have never been a negative person until recently. Hopefully it's just a buildup of stress or something. I try to get motivated and whatnot, but it just doesn't seem like there is any point.

I appreciate the input guys.

Im not a psychologist, nor have i experienced what you described, but i assume its safe to say that the root of your problem lies in the fact that your family is placing such a huge burden on your shoulders. They keep making unrealistic expectations that you now believe it yourself.

Talk to your girlfriend. Shes the only person that would probably listen. If you dont like your friends of family, then take refuge with her. I think its perfectly fine to associate yourself with her family. Better than no family at all. Dont leave her out in the cold, dude. She will listen.

You have the potential to do well. Try hard, get good grades, get a good education and you can turn this upside down.

And start doing things you like again. Remember all the things you did that you could be proud of, and know that it WILL pay off in the end. Dont give up. Ever.

I feel the same way. I'm often called intelligent, and clever(it takes a lot of brain power to be clever). Anyways, i act like a jerk/retard because its so much easier then being constantly smart. Sometimes i feel exactly like you, "what is the point of working hard and getting good grades to get a job i wont like?"

The only reason im doing this is pretty much for my mom, and because i don't want to be poor and homeless. However you're right, a unhappy miserable life doesn't sound much like a great encouragement.

Whatever, im clinging to the hope that one day life will present something worth while.

I often feel like this because I hate the idea of conforming to society, you know, the grand plan of mediocrity. Get a job, yadda yadda. However, you say this isn't a common emotion to you so although we share similar emotions, I don't think what helps me will necessarily help you.

It's strange, I often get into ruts like this if I'm not busy with school or something else for more than a week. As soon as I'm by myself, with only my thoughts I turn into the person you described.

Anyway, a short term answer is to stop and think: think about what's important to you and why, then do whatever you need to do. I also like working out when depressed, it makes me feel really good.

Also, life is technically pointless, you don't have a destiny to save the world, but if you want, you can make a HUGE impact on other people's lives. And, life is essentially, IMO there to be enjoyed. Don't over think, just have fun because nobody comes out alive anyway.

Yeah, i've felt the exact same before. It doesn't go away, you just learn to accept it and just enjoy whatever you can.

Like they say, you have to lose everything before you can have it all. Accept in our situation there's nothing more to have really. Haha. But I have to say I like living like this more then living some type of lie and faking how happy you are and how many fake friends you have.

I dropped out of school when I was 16 and got a job, started paying rent etc.. etc.. And as soon as I did that my mom said "Hey, this is life, it sucks, get used to it". I was fully grown before I turned 17 with alot more life experience then most people twice my age. So shit, this is life, working 9-5 everyday to buy meaningless shit you don't need to impress people you don't know. The worlds my fucking oyster, whoopie.

But as long as you see no point in continuing your life, you have nothing to loose, I wouldn't really care either way if the cops came into my house today and I got a life sentance tomorrow. I live one day at a time, I don't care who I fuck over today for what I want, because eventually there won't be a tomorrow, and when that happens I won't be any wiser, i'll just be asleep forever with no dreams. So instead of being depressed about it and letting other people get me down even more, if someone does something I don't like, I hit them until they say what I want to hear. If I want something from someone else i'll take it, any way I have to. I say what I want when I want and if anyone has anything to say about it they can write it down on a comment card and throw it in a fucking fire and i'll read it in hell.

All in all i'd rather be living like this, live fast and die young. I don't want to live past 40 anyways.