How do I get laid? I am butt ugly and have no friends.

911..........

I've recently heard that some bathrooms have these things called "glory holes". You should try to find one.

Hookers. Yes, I am serious. Go on Craigslist and look up erotic services. Granted, a bunch are stupid spam, but do a little digging and you will be able to tell the real ones apart. They may not break any records in the looks department, but there are REAL whores on there that will take your money and fuck you for it. Be careful, don't do anything that could be construed as solicitation and be as anonymous as possible until it comes time to do the deed.

Easy... There is a simple formula to follow:

It's just a matter of slowly lowering your standards. Start high, but then work your way down the ladder in terms of looks, weight, social status, self-esteem, and age.

The uglier and fatter they are, the better chance you have. If they're very nerdy and/or lonely (IE: have very few, if any, friends; or are grossly unpopular) then you have a better chance. If they have a low self-esteem, then you have a better chance. And if they're younger, they are generally easier to manipulate (but are also more fickle). Also, if they're significantly older, and are available, they may be more likely to sleep with you.

Remember: No matter how ugly you are, there will always be someone as desperate as you are ugly.

Then, become well-acquainted with alcohol. The drunker she is, the more likely she is to put out. And, at least with some people, drinking increases confidence. So it might help for you to have a few drinks as well.

Now another thing that could help if you're quite unattractive, is to find girls that are already at least somewhat intoxicated (IE: bars, parties, etc). Also, these places typically have dimmer lighting, which is a bonus.

Go to a bar/club/party, have a few drinks, then stake out your first victim. Then approach.

I actually have this one friend who goes out, and starts with the least attractive female in the place, and works his way up. It works extremely well, if you don't mind fucking gorillas and rhinoceri.