I started this thread earlier but I deleted it because I didn't want the criticism to deter me from sending it. I sent it. Yoyobek this is for you.



This here, is essentially... Me thinking out loud. I often times find myself writing these because I need to get an important message across to a loved one in such a way that it does not lack the important details often forgotten during conversation; in this way, pain nor weakness is detectable as is the case when audibly spoken. Writing in this manner also gives me the freedom to think carefully about what needs to be said, without the pressures of time and emotion. Before I begin, I would like to say that I never regret writing these manuscripts, but sending them on the other hand is rather... Well... With that said I would like to address this to Miss Megan **** ******. My good friend and former colleague.

Megan. My dear Cow. You should know better than anyone the predicament I... or shall I say, we? Are in. I've never known where exactly we stand in terms of a relationship, all I know is that its somewhere between, "I care" and "We're not dating". Unfortunately due to the events of this past weekend, I fear that has changed for the worse. I want you to know I don't blame you. I can't. It was a poor decision, entirely on my part. I didn't think things through thoroughly, although I had predicted some of the events that took place. Rather than weigh the consequences I ignored them. I don't regret going, seeing as I've been there before and it was an experience but I do regret the days before, and the time afterward with great shame I admit my weakness. As you've probably guessed by now, I am not infallible. I'm not as strong or noble as I wish to appear. I know I'm foolish, did you know it? There is something I'd like to know. Why did you invite me?

I do believe I owe you an explanation as well my apology. My ignorance, selfishness, desire and weakness are to blame for my behavior. In the beginning I never should have pursued you. I shouldn't have taken interest, or given you the opportunity to take interest in me. I knew my future. That was me being selfish. All that time we spent together, every moment I wanted something from you, although I don't think you quite understood what. Even now you don't understand. You probably think what anyone else would think, Hell, what I would think if I were not myself. I'd be lying to you if I told you I don't lust for you at all but that is not what motivates me. More than anything else, I desire your affection. I wish I could tell you a little would have been sufficient but thats not true. Those times I figured if I gave you every ton of my affection, I would receive at least an ounce of yours. From the start you said I wouldn't but I didn't believe you.

I find it very hard to believe anything you say, especially in regards to your emotions. It just seems so unnatural to me that you can be as you are. Our friendship is based on teasing and berating one another but that is no excuse for ignoring your warnings. I hope you understand how hard it is to distinguish the times in which you're serious and when you're being a tease, as everything you say comes out monotonous and sarcastic. You're so indirect, I just can't read you. I hope your apathy isn't what attracts me. Here I would like to give you a quote by a man who knows true sorrow, Elie Wiesel.

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference."

I hope you understand the significance of this quote. Still, even this is no excuse for my actions. I knew at some times where I meant to display affection, you received them as disrespect, and that is everyones right to determine what is and what is not considered disrespect. I desired so much for you to openly accept and share my feelings that I was blinded, hence the persistence. That was me being weak. I've thought about it for a long time now and I realize now thats not the best way to go about it, but that is all I've known. From past relations, and coming from a moderately detached family I admit I do not know many ways to accurately project things to others and I am sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for loving you. If that is indeed what these feelings are. If you'd have asked me when we met if I'd ever been in love, I'd have told you I'm far too young to know such a thing. I'm not so sure I believe that anymore. Heres another quote. This by Erich Fromm.

"Infantile love follows the principle: "I love because I am loved."
Mature love follows the principle: "I am loved because I love."
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."
Mature love says: "I need you because I love you.""

Well. I do believe I've said all I need to say, although I do have one more question: Everything I've done has been relatively consistent. You should have known at which times I would try to kiss you and which times I'd fight you. So, why did you continually set the stage for those situations?

Here I'd like to put a few more quotes either because I like them or because they have some relevance to us.


"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved." - George McDonald

"A sense of duty is useful in work, but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not be endured with patient resignation." - Bertrand Russell

"People living deeply have no fear of death." - Anais Nin

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." - Albert Einstein



"My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,
So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell." - Emily Dickinson

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them."
"... joy and sorrow are inseparable. . . together they come and when one sits alone with you . . . remember that the other is asleep upon your bed." - Kahlil gibran

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." - Henri Nouwen


With a smile:


"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth."
" Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."
"Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own."
"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."
"Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young." - Mary Schmich (SunScreen)


Now with all that said, I can honestly say I felt much better... But what I am about to suggest ruined it all...

Megan, perhaps its best if we don't see each other again. I'd rather that not be how things go but if its for the best... I'll leave this decision to you.

Though, I still expect to be at the Bingo table.
- ******

Her response:



My thoughts in response,

Im glad i didnt read this before i went to work because it would have been one long night. Also, I never realized you could be dumped whithout dating the person, or at least thats what this feels like. No one is infallible, we all make mistakes, including myself in risking your entire career by taking you to that party. I didnt think the possible consequences through, at least not for you. I was fully prepared to take a ticket, but you could have lost everything. Bad idea. and especially since you looked extremely bored/ irritated the whole time. I invited you because 1. both you and my cousin made plans with me for the same night and i didnt want to ditch anyone, 2. your leaving and i did wish to spend more time with you.

I'm afraid i was unfair with your heart. Maybe i am just a tease, but a tease to myself as well since i dont allow myself to act on any of my impulses. Its not that i dont feel anything, i just dont let myself show it. I was disappointed to find that you would still attempt kissing an intoxicated woman, though it seems as though it was my fault u felt you had permission. Im not a touchy feely, show emotions, say i love you type of person, and i may never be. Youre too expressive for me, its scarry to be told "i love you" by someone youve known less than two months and im sorry to have been your "first love" what a bust.

You were right when u asked me if six months would have made a difference, time always does. But i may have been kidding myself when i said i was single. No i dont have a boyfriend, but i do care deeply for a friend that i wont let myself grow any closer to, apparently my heart wasnt there to give away. Dont get me wrong i like you, and i enjoyed all our walks and talks but sleeping together was a huge mistake. And i knew it was too soon, but i just let other people do what they want to do without telling them where i stand. Thats why im surprised i actually stood up for myself and locked you out of my room. I expected myself to cower, get taken advantage of, cry about it in my head and then forget it ever happened. I still deny childhood events that im sure have fucked me up for life. I dont feel good enough for anyone, im tainted, and i have a seeminly huge secret looming over my head threatening my life every second. My fake life where i do nothing im not told to do and admit to no feelings that may lead to affinity toward another.

I dont like being told im pretty, or u love me, it makes me very uncomfortable. Ive never know how to take compliments they seem out of place if im just doing what is expected of me, why should i receive any praise?

Its not your fault we hung out, it takes two. And apparently this was meant to happen since i usually turn down EVERY guy that tries to talk to me.....the question is why? Why did we need this? I keep telling myself that u dont really love me and that ur feelings are only intensified by your pending departure. Your truly scared to leave and start a new life and this was just your way of making one last connection in hopes that i would reassure your confidence as well as let you know theres someone who cares for you and there is a drive/reason for your lifes decisions, and someone to share in your success. Though i failed in preserving your spirit i hope you realize that if your looking for love, confidence, strength, wisdom, or companionship you need look no further than your own family. They love you and regardless of how often you beat yourself up, your always a much harsher judge of yourself than others.

As for setting u up to kiss or fight me....im afraid your assuming i realized your thoughts and patterns of actions, as i assumed you would automatically know i have personal space issues and dont like compliments and fear commitment and my own feelings. Sorry if i brought out the worst in you at times, your not weak, only human. The reason im so protective of my chest as opposed to every other body part is because its the closest to my heart. I dont like to think with my heart, it doesnt do much good. I dont like the physical closeness of someone to my heart because i deny any figurative closeness. Also i make it a point to never initiate physical or even verbal (for the most part) interaction. When i want to reach for someone, i wait for them to come to me, and eventhen i dont know how to receive them. I never grabbed ur hand or hugged you because that little voice warning of rejection and awkwardness and vulnerability. Even after you assured me your feelings, it wasnt assurance enough, i guess i should learn to trust.
I have heard multiple times from numerous people how hard i am to read, and that im a tease and how can i be so robotic. To myself im none of those things, its a shame and a blessing that no one can read my thoughts. I am very sarcastic and i know that it leads to confusion, but its the only way i know how to interact....

Had you been less forward and aggressive we prolly would have gotten closer in our relationship ( though i acknowledge you are working in a time crunch) but shoulda woulda coulda u cant change the past. If nothing more this was yet another learning experience and id like to hope it was worth it for the both of us, though i fear i may have hurt you more than u ever scared me.

Because im weak i would like to see you again, but i know its for the best to just stop now as i suggested earlier. I knew i wouldnt be the one to break it off because i cant just cut people off that easily , not if they want to see me. Though i dont know what would be left to say or do if we were face to face again, obviously id like to appoligise and give you a hug but it seems futile now, you dont purposly smash a vase and then try to glue it back together. and i dont think i could say goodbye without crying.

u know that feeling in your chest like someones grabbing on to your heart strings and pulling them every-which-way....yeah that sucks. I hate that feelings are so unrational and that you can actually feel emotions physically like a pain in your chest....it sucks bunches.

If you would like to say goodbye im of course up for it, its up to you since i seem to be the evil one in this situation u can decide whether ud like to subject yourself to my unintended torture one last time....if this is how our story ends, then i wish you the best of luck in life and your career but also in love, may you find someone able to receive as well as recipricate the love you have to offer. (you have earned it , though rewards are sometimes slow to come, be patient)
and with that here are a few quotes i like as well:

There's a lot to be said for self-delusionment when it comes to matters of the heart.


Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Huh? So yoyobek's real name is Megan?

Edit: The lack of punctuation was killing me while reading the love letters.

No this is not TO/FROM Yoyobek. Yoyobek requested I repost the letters since I had earlier deleted them. Sorry for the confusion and... Lack of punctuation?

Yeah...so do you want advice or something?

Whatever. It doesn't matter, I think the outcome is going to be the same no matter what I do/say to her. We're going to drift into friendship (which will actually be me suffering every damn day I have to see/talk to her) or we'll stop communicating all together.

Well, this is life I guess.

Okay thankyou for re-posting this. I'm glad you didnt let the flamers and trolls get to you :)

I'll respond properly in a bit.

There was a young lad named Cloudy.1
Who didn't want to listen to anyone
He ignored our advice
But the girl seemed nice
Now post pics of the chick for our fapping fun!

I read title as "Letter to MegaMan" LMAO Top Man FTW!!

Not bad. I don't know if it'd be wise to post her picture. Shes been at my house and on my PC. I'm paranoid she might know about totse, or that she too published our letters and for some reason will some day use google to find them and come across this thread and... Wow para fucking noya. I'm sorry. i'll think about it.

Shes got a really unique look. Especially in the eyes. Her eyes are green with brown flares from the pupil all the way through the iris. She has REALLY long hang, which on her head is brown, everywhere else is black including her eyebrows.

Christ. I'm seriously trippy for this girl. I woke up hallucinating. I thought she was on my bed and while I was sleeping I actually dreamt about her... and zombies. But the dreams have always been common.

I think its also important to note that I have 10 days left here. I joined the military before I met her and they're sending me away soon.

There was a young lad named Cloudy.1
Who didn't want to listen to anyone
He ignored our advice
But the girl seemed nice
So I fapped to cure my naughty vice

Would of been good if you would of made correction...

You sound like a pansy.

Not bad. I don't know if it'd be wise to post her picture. Shes been at my house and on my PC. I'm paranoid she might know about totse, or that she too published our letters and for some reason will some day use google to find them and come across this thread and... Wow para fucking noya. I'm sorry. i'll think about it.

Shes got a really unique look. Especially in the eyes. Her eyes are green with brown flares from the pupil all the way through the iris. She has REALLY long hang, which on her head is brown, everywhere else is black including her eyebrows.

Christ. I'm seriously trippy for this girl. I woke up hallucinating. I thought she was on my bed and while I was sleeping I actually dreamt about her... and zombies. But the dreams have always been common.

I think its also important to note that I have 10 days left here. I joined the military before I met her and they're sending me away soon.

God shut the fuck up. This isn't a movie man, this is fucking reality. Get the fuck over it. I hope you die in the Military, or at least toughen the fuck up.

damn, that sucks dude.
I hope you say goodbye to her.

God I love this function (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v225/raveyoyo/ignorethefatone.jpg) :D


On topic:
I read that whole lot. It's pretty heartbreaking.Thanks for posting it.
Are you deffinately going into the military? Is that your life ambition, or just a whim?

It seems you both wrote very long letters to each other to basically say "i like you but I'm leaving" "I like you but you're leaving".

One choice would be to never see her again and let memories of her fade away. Another choice would be to spend every day untill your departure together and hurt yourself and possibly her alot when you leave.

Which do you think you'll do? Totse can only advise you,cant really guide you.

tooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long

God I love this function (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v225/raveyoyo/ignorethefatone.jpg) :D

just so you know one of carbonbs posts is a picture of child pornography and the message that he should toughen up until even that picture doesnt affect him which you should probably remove from the forum seeing as its your job as a moderator to remove things that are illegal from the forums

also do you not know how tabbed browsing works because its one of the main features of the browser and you still have multiple windows open like youre using an old version of ie

just so you know one of carbonbs posts is a picture of child pornography and the message that he should toughen up until even that picture doesnt affect him which you should probably remove from the forum seeing as its your job as a moderator to remove things that are illegal from the forums

also do you not know how tabbed browsing works because its one of the main features of the browser and you still have multiple windows open like youre using an old version of ie

Yep well there are 4 other mods in this forum for a reason. And who are you to criticise how I use firefox? I like having many windows open to me at one time.

Edit: dont be a prick. If you continue I may start to suspect you are CarbonBs secondary account, and then I'll have to check IPs and it will all get so fucking messy..;

Yeah military is going to happen. We started the 'spend every single day together' thing but that went rye after she almost ruined my career. Then I kissed her chest and she freaked out and locked herself in her room. Shes got chest issues... Well, personal space issues in general.

What a coincidence...

There was a girl named Megan for me too..

Edit: dont be a prick. If you continue I may start to suspect you are CarbonBs secondary account, and then I'll have to check IPs and it will all get so fucking messy..;

i thought mods couldnt do that any more but go ahead because i'm not carbonb

sorry for being a prick as well i was on meth and that brings out my mean side so no hard feelings?? i'm not on anything today and i feel bad about it

just so you know one of carbonbs posts is a picture of child pornography and the message that he should toughen up until even that picture doesnt affect him which you should probably remove from the forum seeing as its your job as a moderator to remove things that are illegal from the forums

also do you not know how tabbed browsing works because its one of the main features of the browser and you still have multiple windows open like youre using an old version of ie

Lol, other Moderators even told this bitch she shouldn't have any users on ignore in forums that she moderates. Yeah, she's a dumb cunt.

just so you know one of carbonbs posts is a picture of child pornography and the message that he should toughen up until even that picture doesnt affect him which you should probably remove from the forum seeing as its your job as a moderator to remove things that are illegal from the forums

also do you not know how tabbed browsing works because its one of the main features of the browser and you still have multiple windows open like youre using an old version of ie

RoF.....you call this your "mean" side?????? Now THAT is funny! Ya wanna know what I thought when reading that? Geez, another butthurt simpleton crying to the teacher while playing spectator in life.

But "mean"?????? ROFLMFAO! Do us all a favor and don't ever try a speedball ok? Cuz I really don't know if humanity could take much more "meanness" from you.

RoF.....you call this your "mean" side?????? Now THAT is funny! Ya wanna know what I thought when reading that? Geez, another butthurt simpleton crying to the teacher while playing spectator in life.

But "mean"?????? ROFLMFAO! Do us all a favor and don't ever try a speedball ok? Cuz I really don't know if humanity could take much more "meanness" from you.

well ok its not my mean side at all and i didnt really feel bad but yoyobek is fragile and seemed a bit upset by it anyway so i thought i'd try to make her feel better. its just being nice.

well ok its not my mean side at all and i didnt really feel bad but yoyobek is fragile and seemed a bit upset by it anyway so i thought i'd try to make her feel better. its just being nice.

How could a troll be fragile? Or did you mean emotionally?

Yoyobek, you ar e a mod of OI, and you have a responsibility to read childish posts and remove them if they violate the rules.

Can't just ignore the fat cunt for all time.

Well this is how the story ends:

We spoke and it now seems to me she was stringing me along the whole time. I'm never going to see or speak to her again.

Bitch.

Delete thread request.