I'll get the ball rolling.

I was at a party, fairly drunk but still able. Me and this girl were talking, this and that. We decided to go upstairs to the bedroom. Kissing leads to rubbing, rubbing leads to stripping, stripping leads to sex, naturally.

After a bit i lost my boner.

"Got whiskey dick?"

"Na, im not drunk enough for that."

"Then what is it?"

"I dunno, maybe its cos youre black."

:(

damn, i don't think i'd even be able to think of something like that

Haha

Me and my girl was kissing and I blurt out this pearl.
"Old people having sex is a pretty disturbing imagery, especially kissing since they dont have teeth"
She was like "Bean! WTF!? Ew"

Also one time i was feeling very affectionate, and I was thinking her name to myself.
So I hug her and say:
"BeanBeanBeanBean, eh, GFsNameGFsName"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! "Maybe it's cos you're black!" That cracked me up mate!

When I was 18, I was with this 23 year old...And she was no supermodel...In fact she was like the complete opposite...But I was usually drunk so it didn't matter much.

So we're visiting her parents' place while they're away for a couple days and their Sky TV package was shite...Spent most of the day watching reruns of Start Trek Voyager...And all I can think of when I see that is Jeri Ryan (Seven of Nine) doing a pole dance on my pork pole!
Nightfall comes and we're in bed...And I'm jackhammering away...

She says "Oooooh Pete!"

I say "Jeri"

She says "What?"

I'm like "Erm...Claire-e" (Her name was Claire)

I don't think she believed me somehow.

worst thing i ever said was when i was at my friends grad party, and i hooked up with this redhead. We ended up goin to my friends bedroom to have sex. So while we were doin it i was tryin to last as long as possbile, tryin to keep myself from losin it too soon...lasted about 10 minutes, surprising considering how drunk i was. So anyway near the end she blurts out "Oh god oh GOD!" and then, being the idiot i was at the time say "Shut the hell up i'm tryin to fuckin concentrate!" lol i'll never forget the look she gave me after i said that

'i love... this'

mighty awkward. we both knew what i was about to say.

She actually called you by your screen name!?

*Always keeps his mouth shut*

i've never said this but i watched Bam Margeras movie "Haggard", and while the girl is getting banged she says'.

"Teenagers were meant to fuck"

i lol'd so hard

I rarely say dumb stupid shit when im doggin a fem, but one time I was taking this girls panties off for the first time, and instantly I said "I smell something burning do you smell that?" I didnt realize that was horrible timing and she got up and went to the bathroom and started to cry LMAO!

we should see eachother

not quite on topic....i can't remember anything stupid in particular that i've said in bed, though i know i've said plenty that would belong in this thread....

but a while ago i went on a long stretch without sex and i finally hooked up with a girl.....afterwards when we got dressed i just high fived her...i thought it was something lame, cheesy and immature, but i had to high five someone. she gave me a funny look like 'wtf'....

"so you came what....23 times????"

on losing my virginity.

It wasn't me who said it, and we weren't having sex, BUT. We were fooling around, he looks up at me and says "Am I doin' it right?!". I could not help but laugh, afterwards I felt bad and apologized.

she blurts out "Oh god oh GOD!" and then, being the idiot i was at the time say "Shut the hell up i'm tryin to fuckin concentrate!" lol i'll never forget the look she gave me after i said that

Win.

5

I was taking this girls panties off for the first time, and instantly I said "I smell something burning do you smell that?" I didnt realize that was horrible timing and she got up and went to the bathroom and started to cry LMAO!

Double win!

"It's not because you're Catholic, is it?"
So said I when a guy wouldn't put out fast enough; in my wine soaked state this simply wasn't satisfactory.

"Uhm exactly how old are you?"

Ignorance is bliss....

'do you pretend your fucking some else too'

"I dunno, maybe its cos youre black."

:(

Oh oh! There's a bit of wee coming out! I'm still lol'ing at that!

So I'd been banging this chick on the side for a little while, just meeting up with her whenever one of us felt like a quick fuck. So we were in her room and I could hear her Dad was in the house.

We're busily at it and I can't help but notice her Dad keeps walking by the door, so I says to her "Think he wants to come join in?"

I don't think I've ever ran so fast in my life.

hahahaha

drunker than fucking hell: are you ready to receive me baby?
her: uhh, what the fuck?



or


Yahtzee!!!!!!!!

Suicide_Mouse...Shoulda posted that one dude...I laughed! :D

(It's great being a mod...We can read deleted posts! :p )

*I do big line of coke*

girl: If you keep doing that you're gonna get really skinny

me: Well then you should be doing it


She wasn't fat I just didn't like being told what to do. I think she whacked me on the stomach after I said that.

post it? :(

I hate you mods...

EDIT: I usually just keep my mouth shut, or we sort of play fight... =|

ouch just OUCH! You're lucky she didn't knee cap you.

ouch just OUCH! You're lucky she didn't knee cap you.

yeah I know. I'm not that much of as asshole anymore.

one time doin' this chick doggy style and just as i came i yelled yahtzee loud enough to wake her parents awkward to say the least
although by far the worst really drunk at a party and im in bed with this girl i went to go down on her and im going away at it when my mate walks in he had got with her a week previously and i look up and just blurt out "you know you were right mate she is fucking loose i mean you could fit a fucking football in there" she kicked me in the head

HAHAHAHHAHA YAHTZEEE

I'm gonna start yelling that in every situation.

+10 for teh giggles.

"put in the bob the builder cake"
"that's £2.50 please"

three 15 hour days at work on the trot=exhaustion=some really stupid shit coming out of my mouth when i'm not concentrating

"how much is this gonna cost me?"

What was your name again?

psycho_8b I have been monitoring this thread because I knew at some point a mod might mention my post.

The thing is my ex knows I post on &T and if she read that she could use it as proof to show my brother and our mutual friends. I hadn't thought of that until I posted it. Sure she could just say it, but at least then I could claim she was lying.

I guess totse will be with just one less funny story.

And it was true lol

EDIT: not to mention the last girl I said, me and her are getting back together. Fuck Me I'm Paranoid!

With a previous girlfriend, after we were done I said "Your cousin was better" just to jokingly piss her off.

This one time I was super fucking drunk and my ex gf wanted to sex. Well, she was nowhere near my level of intoxication, but I agreed anyway.

I flipped her over, doing her doggy in a dark drab room. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep for like, 5-10 seconds most likely, I woke up to her pushing onto me thinking "where am I?" and then realizing with a "fuck yea drunk sex for the win".

It wasn't awkward just because I was drunk, and kept pounding away until I let her have control so I wouldnt do it again lol

You do know you can always email a mod and ask him to post stuff for you anonymously?

"It hurts so goood!!!!"

Later we laughed at that.

...

or


Yahtzee!!!!!!!!

I actually loled.

"Ohh oooh.... Oh yeah, oh yes!! Keep going baby, oh yeah, faster, faster, harder, YES OH GOD, almost there... oooh yeaaah YES OH GOD. Here it is, oooohh... YAHTZEE!!!"

Hadn't thought of that, jackketch.

Less thinking more doing. You know the rules!

Read * Know * Do

Since the topic has shifted a bit to include the more zany things said in bed, ill post this one.

As im cumming with a then long term gf:

ZIP-ZOP-ZOOBETY-BOP!

That episode of family guy was on the night before.

Also, saying "I want a beer...You want one?" whilst thrusting doesn't do it for some women.

I'll never understand that one.

I kinda just left for a cigarette. It's not that I said anything, per se. It was worth it.

along the theme of the yahtzee and the zip---whatever...
I was camping with my then gf and my cousin an his GF, and my cousin and i had been watching south park, im a huge fan of it, and one of my favourite eps was timmy 2000...
so were in tents, wich have a sound protection value of about zero... and i yell out... TTTTIIIIIIMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY, LIBENLADUMLIBENLADUM TTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEHH HHHHHHHHHHHH

Bill Maher did somethin about how delicous smoking is. Something about this girl going "you wanna finish that cigerette or do you wanna come over here and eat my pussy?" and he replies somethin realy funny that I forget.

"Pika pika...pika..pika...pika! PIIKAAAAA-CHUUUUU!!!!"

wasnt me but my mates was doing this shit, and like half way threw she was like can we stop for a cigarette?

She says "Oooooh Pete!"

I say "Jeri"

She says "What?"

I'm like "Erm...Claire-e" (Her name was Claire)

I don't think she believed me somehow.

She probably thought you said "jerry" hahah.