So I have come to this conclusion that I have been living distracted for 4 years.

I was utterly depressed 5 years ago. I got a boyfriend. I was happy. I attributed this happiness to him. Thought that he saved me.

About 6-8 months later I get bored and depressed again. I get a new bestfriend and she helps reinvigorate me. That doesn't go well but I focus on my boyfriend again but am getting slightly depressed.

About a year later I meet another new best friend who then becomes my girlfriend as well after I decide to break up with my boyfriend of 2 years.

Her and I go out for almost 2 years. Again near the end I became slightly more depressed.

And now it is the first time in 4 years I have been single.

My life has been a distraction. I have not developed the skill of self happiness. I need people. I am getting better... but I am not a real person.

How does one become a real person. I'm hanging out with friends and that's good but I know I'll gain a new infatuation. This is what i do. I intensely become friends/lovers with people and then I am happy.

Even before the start of this story this is what I would do. In and out with intense friendships that determine my mood.

I think it would be good to get therapy to help me with this... and the whole lotta other issues I've complained about on this site.

*****LONG STORY SHORT*****

How does one self actualize? How do you even know that you have? My issues is loving people and that making me happy. So how do I differentiate having fun with my friends and/or having them determine whether I am happy or not.

Maybe because I have been in relationships constantly for 4 years... i have stunted growth.

Figure out what made you depressed at the end of each relationship. Better yet figure out what made you depressed before the relationship with your boyfriend. Again, I can apply my theory yet again that I have been applying throughout the forum today.

Find something else other than people to cherish. Your concentrating on relationships too much. You may think that you need people to live. Of course one needs to be with someone in order to survive, but one also needs something else in order to survive. Find a hobby, or go out. Read, watch TV, ride a bike, do something that you can apply life to.

In your situation though, I would recommend this. Go out into the woods alone one day, and just walk around, admiring mother nature. It may sound stupid, but this can really help you think about life, and where you stand at.

And one more thing, you are a real person. You just haven't realized it yet.

cooking and cleaning for your man is a good start...

Just sit and accept that you don't need people to be happy. That being alone is fine.

That's what I did. Worked well.

dont know if its been said; but happiness should never 'depend' on outside things. Think about all the things you could do other than worry about how you dont have a boyfriend.

btw its important that when your alone, to not "feel" alone.

(you said) "I have not developed the skill of self happiness"

happiness is effortless. Just do the simple common sense things like, accept yourself, dont try to control things, when u learn how "not" to think, itll be easier.

btw, you think alot like i do... focusing on how to fix something bad other than how to find something good.

one more thing... there is no outside solution to an inside problem, and that must mean... ______

Your mother didn't hold you enough as a child.

I sense a gender identity issue...

Okay, so I'm NOT the only one confused as fuck by this post.

So is the op bi? I'm lost!! Fucking bi's not knowing what gender they are...

How does one self actualize? How do you even know that you have?

By not using psycho-babble buzzwords like self actualize.

If you're asking for any sort of analysis that can be helpful, then you've already reached the most thorough conclusion from what you've provided. That being the issue of having to love someone to be happy. After this it's all speculation in similar fashion to the comment of your mother never hugging you enough. You've essentially put me in a position to spout off bullshit, or pat you on the back; perhaps both.

You've done the ground work. Acknowledging this dependency is what you have to do, and then apply it to your life. Tricky little bit of life being the uncertainty of falling in love whilst trying to remove your dependency on others.

My advice: find something to be passionate about. Sounds simple stuff, but as you've said you distract yourself with people who you later attach yourself as almost having them be a part of your identity. Or you being a part of their identity, whichever. There's nothing, essentially, wrong about two lives merging with the whole love and sharing and etc. and other things the poets tell us. The problem, in your case, is that you're trying to distract yourself from your life with this person. This means that once they become your life, the distraction is over, all of a sudden it's your life again, and you still have the desire to distract yourself from your life.

Thus without any idea on what to distract yourself with besides somebody else, that's exactly what you do.

So you've put yourself on a conveyor belt. If you want to be happy, and especially have others in your life be happy without the fear of being replaced, find something to be passionate about outside of the necessity of somebody else. Painting, running, juggling knives, human fly, beating up mimes, whatever.

This is so familiar that I want to puke.
I love you.

sounds like someone i used to know.

yeah girl? i feel for ya.

go rent some movies and listen to some of your favorite music while cleaning your room/house.

then do something you can do only alone....

people come to you if you let them. dont cling or put yourself out there toooo much.

just let them come to you. be real be easy(going) dont lie or fuck people over in any way.

most importantly dont put on a fake face to fit in. you wont have nearly as much fun as you could be having.

Buddhism.

http://www.totse.com/en/religion/eastern_religions/thesamuraicree173967.html


Buddha is always the answer.

MOD! Holy shit, these new changes are everywhere! Congrats!

OP-Do you have any hobbies?

i was gona mention buddhism, didnt wana go all religious on people tho.... not that id call buddhism a religious thing ironically

(is that ironic? i dont know...)

Do I have hobbies...

Yes I suppose so.

I used to be a lot into sports but I've sorta stopped doing that. I like to read and watch television and then kinda analyze or think about them.

After the break up I've been trying to get into good shape. I've lost 23 pounds so far and am hoping for about another 10.

Um I don't have gender identity issues. I have sexual identity issues. I'm bisexual. I do not dress like a boy or look like a boy and I never will. I hate short hair, and like shopping for clothes. My issue is I don't know who I'd rather fuck.

I think i have this issue becuase i've had trust issues and relationship issues and because being a girl makes my best friends usually girls I feel more comfortable around them and trust them and am open to the idea of having an intimate relationship with them.

I will most likely marry a man. Also now because my ex did what she did I also don't have women up on a pedestal like I used to.

Anyways... school is starting. That will be nice. But I'm worried that will just be a new distraction.

I'm happy being alone I guess... I'm seeing lots of different friends it's just...

I don't feel whole and I don't know what to do about it.

I don't feel whole and I don't know what to do about it.

Existentialism is a word that gets tossed around the pretentious circles quite a bit, and, for the most part, has lost all of its meaning by the it arrives in a conversation outside of some abstract academic realm. Filtered through artists, psuedo-intellectuals, critics, and the frustrated it usually comes out as some perversion meaning depressed. The quote from the Ojise is a little closer to the actual original intention:

Existence precedes essence.

What this means, to put it briefly, is that life provides us with a blank slate and it is up to us to give it meaning and create purpose in our day to day existence. Sartre talked a great deal about por soi/en soi or being-in-itself and being-for-itself, these being distinctions between realms of reality. Life *as is* this can of soda, my pants, etc. just plain ol' being-in-itself, and then human consciousness. Being-for-itself isn't supposed to be taken in a solipsistic, self-centered attitude but stating that human consciousness exists without excuse or predetermined meaning and thus must be a constant project.

A lack to fulfill.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing, nor a depressing thing, but it is an inescapable thing, and what makes it a painful experience is trying to escape this forever freedom to create who it is that you are. Which is what you've been doing with the constant distraction thing, a mere attempt to delegate the responsibilty for your freedom and identity. Sartre called this "Bad Faith" and a lot of what he had hoped to develop into a new form of psychoanalysis and ethics was based on this psychological tendency that human beings fell into, which made them miserable since the denial is impossible we are "condemned to be free". Unfortunately, for psychoanalysis, Sartre then became interested in politics and never developed this into a process.

Of course, due to the nature of this existential dilema, an actual method may be difficult, if not impossible, to develop. Because, no matter what I say, you are still free and it is only *you* who can freely realize this. I try to present you with your responsibility of choice but I can't make you be free, I can't do your freedom for you, so I can only try to make you face your inescapable position.

You are condemned to be free: choose.

Choose this or choose that, chances are you'll regret either, but even not choosing is choosing, and each choice will take you to another choice. It can be intimidating since you can never stop, but it can be invigorating since your path is always up to you, and what you do will always make a difference. It may be, at times, tempting to try to be rid of this responsibility for your life by giving somebody else the rights to decide for you, but they are under the same restrictions and freedoms that you are, and, as has already been said, will inevitably become part of your life so intrinsically that you won't have escaped what you were running from after all.

So your best bet would be to just try creating yourself...you'll never be able to escape this feeling of not being whole, but isn't that a good thing? If you were whole then you'd be a finished project, but since you aren't there are an endless amount of possibilities for you.