While it doesn't deal with sex, it does, however, deal with affection...or rather the lack of affection. Hopefully this fits here...if not, I can move it.

Also, I know this isn't a very coherent or flowing bit of text, but bear with me, as I'm just kinda telling it as it's coming.

I'm 19 years old. I have my two year degree in liberal arts, I have a 3.6 gpa, I'm about to buy my first car, I don't have a girlfriend, I'm not antisocial, I am somewhat reserved. I was home-schooled all throughout high-school. I believe in working for what you want, I believe that before you inconvenience others with your problems, try to solve it on your own first. I'm pursuing a BS in Math, and then I'll attend Tokyo U for engineering. I want to work on international space station. I'm somewhat empathic, and constantly find myself taking on the emotions of those I'm in contact with. I cannot see things in black or white, as there are shades of grey in almost everything we do. This is me.

I think I first became aware of myself when I was very young. I recall always being alone. I grew up in a good family, but not without problems. My father used to beat up my mom, and drink, and stay out all night, and raise all kinds of hell. I didn't like him, and I can't say that my attitude has changed. With him constantly running the streets with his family, I was the only boy among two girls (one above, and one below)...so I spent a great deal of time by myself.

I remember thinking a lot. I remember thinking about space, human existence, life/death, eternity, etc. I don't know why I did, nor what inspired me. I hated going outside. My parents (mom) raised me to be a well behaved child. I spoke properly, respected elders, etc. I also played music. From an early age I suppose I should a gift for music. I taught myself to play the piano, and eventually the drums. Soon, Soon I began to take lessons, and in a matter of time, I was playing five instruments at the age of seven or eight. My parents pushed the music a lot. They also pushed education. I'm told that I was advanced, and ahead of my classes. Once, while bored in some grade-school class, I wrote out the notation of 'twinkle twinkle little star', and gave it to the teacher. My work was framed and placed in the principal's office.

I remember doing it out of boredom. I spoke with a lisp, and still somewhat do, so my parents put me in a speech class. I remember being very alone. I never went out of my way to show off or anything (as I was very reserved). I never had friends. Actually I had one best friend, charlie. We were friends for about a good 2-3 years, until he moved away. After that, I just seemed to be a loner. I got along with other kids, but I never seemed to find myself really fitting in. So I settled on the idea that perhaps it simply wasn't for me to have a great circle( or square) of friends. I used to go to violin camp when I was about 12 or 13, and I used to envy the other kids, and how they got along with one another. I just seemed to be the kid that was simply there....a filler if you will.

While young, I literally had no friends. I was always alone. I forget why, but I remember seeing a psychologist when I was about 13-14. As it turns out, the fellow told my mom that I had a very high IQ and that I should test for MENSA. Everyone around me would tell me that I was very intelligent for my age, and how I was more or less an adult. I actually hung out with more adults then peers. I used to hate it when people would compliment me, and I still kind of do. I guess I see it as acknowledging what it was that made me stand out to the point where not even my peers would talk to me.

My dad and I never got along. He saw things one way, and I saw them a totally different way. I mean really. I would rationalize as to why I did or did not do certain chore, whereas he simply saw it as a threat to his rule. He comes from a family where you do as you're told with no IAOB(ifs ands or buts). He also comes from a family where family comes first before all things, and spanking a child (common referred to by family as an ass beating) is okay. To this day he doesn't understand why I apparently don't listen to him, or accept his logic as my own. I simply can't. I don't know if I developed my own set of rules while young, or I'm just being difficult. But his ideas, concepts...his entire manner of thinking seems impossible to live/deal with. If something happens, I like to think why/how it did. To an extent he does too, but it's just different. I like to think about every possible possibility. One situation was where he told me to cut the grass (knowing that I absolutely hate yard-work, and would much rather wash dishes), and I said ok. A few hours later, he prepares to beat me. When I asked him why (which made me in the wrong again), he said it was because I didn't do as I was told. To me, he said cut the grass, but didn't specify a timeframe in which I was to do it. So, I planned on doing it when it wasn't quite so hot outside. To him, this was rebellion. I didn't know that he wanted it done that very minute. This was the case with all kinds of things. Like taking out the garbage. He'll get on my case for not getting the garbage out before it gets too dark. I prefer to get the garbage out in the morning. Sure, I have to get up early to do it, but I'm an early person, not a night person. Besides, the point is to have the garbage out, right? So as long as it gets put out, what harm is done? Maybe I'm totally in the wrong...maybe I'm not.

I remember being about 6 or 7 and him being home one particular night. I forget what we were arguing about, but it ended with him telling me that I was nothing...not a damn thing...not shit. He said "who are you" "Who the FUCK are you?" I was 6-7 and didn't know how to take that. He's never shown affection, but I know he means well. It's just difficult to deal with him. My mother is hardly any better. She only stayed with him to ensure that we would have a decent up-brining, but I regret her doing it. I'm not mad at her for staying with him, but I am upset with her because of her ways. She used to stand by and watch him fuck with our heads. I never understand how should could play the role ally to the enemy, and then attempt to befriend us.

She isn't without her own problems. She's usually busy running some organization, or planning some benefit...always busy. I think it's because he would always get on her case about not cleaning the house, and cooking all the time. He believes that women should play a certain role, and that the man should be most respected. I believe that she busies herself to not fall into his little belief. But as a result, nothing ever got/gets done in our home. He would never fix anything unless it was a terrible emergency, and she would rarely do anything for trying to prove herself. Maybe I have it all wrong. I spent a great deal of time by myself just thinking about things...all sorts of things.

My family is very spiritual. I have members of the clergy on both sides....so I've had my fair share of dealing with spirits. When I was about 11, I used to see dark spirits all the time at our house. I used to never sleep at night, because I could see them in my room waiting for me to sleep. When I did, I could see them(don't as how) move to my bedside, and then hold me down. When they did, I would feel very weird, and I would begin to loose control. It was like my body would start to shut down, and the only way to stop this hellish occurrence was to pray. Only then did it stop.

This when on for about two years. Even before and well after those terrible nights, I could hear things. I could hear someone calling me, but whenever I would ask my family if they were the ones, they always hadn't been. Perhaps it was all in my head....or maybe I suffered from some sort of psychological disorder. I don't know. I'm not too religious, but I do believe in a great being in control of everything. I do, however, claim the christian faith.

As it stands, I pretty much cannot stand to be with these people. I'll be moving out in about a month or less. Things just aren't working out.....in all honesty...they never were. I suppose I should say that we've reached critical mass. My family tells me that I'm very rude and mean to them. They wonder how other people react to me. The truth is, that other people see to love me. I get along fine with people outside of home. I can't say that I have any real friends, but I guess I attract people. I'm currently pursuing a relationship with an army girl. Right now she's at some sort of AIT training program in Missourii. I don't think she is really interested in me as a bf, but for some reason, I can't get her out of my head. haha but that's for another thread! I just hope that my history won't come to negatively affect me in the future...I don't think it has so far. I know that I just need to get out of here. It's weird because I hate asking for (their) help. If I can do something on my own, then I try to do it. They don't know that I'm taking out a loan to pay case for a car, and pay for school. It's like I want nothing to do with them. Does this make me ungrateful? I don't really care how it looks, but I just need to get out.

I'm really sorry for just kinda spilling my guts all over this nice clean forum, but I really need to vent. I really don't have anyone to talk to around here, good ol' &T seemed like a good place. Sorry again.

Ho-ly Shit. Summarize some shit man. Only a select few will read that, I'm usually one of them but fuck man I don't want to read a whole novel.

What you need is a good book by a good philosophy writer. I suggest you read Demian by Herman Hesse. That book helped shape my path, I'm sure you'll get something useful to help you face your spiritual/psychological predicament. Or just take a day off for yourself and meditate on it.

You believe in doing things for yourself? Then do this too. Feel free to vent on us anytime, but don't expect a decent answer out of us. Only you can find that.

Ah, sorry about that. I had just had another blowout with the folks, and decided that enough is enough. I just kinda needed to put it all down someplace. I'll try to edit it in the morning though. Thanks anyways.

Doesn't make you ungrateful, man. Just makes you, you. Of course you're going to think different from them, you might be a part of them, but you aren't them. You might want to try and get help from them financially while you can, but thats really up to you, it just might make it easier on yourself. Sounds like you have a plan though and a damn good one at that.

And it sounds like you're a free-thinker and pretty much formed your own views. Pretty much how I went about it, and it's definitely a good way to go. Shame that you haven't had someone around thats supportive about it though.

You need your freedom.
You dont have to think like your parents..

wow dude, forgive me for the language, but fuck some of that shit was strange.

anyways, the dark spirits stuff was pretty scary, and made me feel a little paranoid, especially because it's 3:27 here and the lights in my room are all closed. so it feels like anything could creep up on me. you have your own views and opinions, your parents seem very old fashioned, and you certainly described a person who would normally be home schooled. I think what you need is a little courage, courage to meet people and let them in. You'll probably feel so different when you have friends that accept and understand you.

oh yes, if you tell anyone else on totse, that i was being nice, i'll cut you.

Wow... I found that to be a really interesting read. It actually made me respect you a lot. The fact that you want to be independent of your parents, and are actually willing to DO something about it is fairly rare among young people I think. I'm 21 and am still so dependent on my folks to pay so much of my university fees; it bugs me (mostly because I feel guilty), but seemingly not enough to actually make me take action.

Despite the fact that you don't really get on with your parents, you seem to have a fairly healthy, mature attitude towards them. None of the usual "Rah rah rah, I fucking hate my parents, they're so mean to me" rubbish. It seems you've accepted the fact that you see life differently to them (your dad does sound completely unreasonable in the examples you've given) and are moving on. You're not being ungrateful.

As for all the friendship stuff, I think now that you're older it'll start to get easier. Kids do tend to shy away from people that are different to them, especially those so much more academically gifted. You seem like an interesting person with a good mindset; If I met you, I think I'd want to get to know you.