I just need to write... so it'll be long... don't care for those of you who didn't read. As long as maybe just one person does, my feelings can be heard

I broke up with my secret lesbian girlfriend. I can't talk to anyone about it.

She started seeing another guy that I introduced her to and now she likes him more than she likes me. Apparently she says she still loves me though, we will just never have a sexual relationship ever again. She says she is 'done with girls' she is the one who seduced me. Told me she was gay. Told me her feelings. If she had not said a word I wouldn't have turned myself into an impurity for a year and a half. I don't care though. In theory I don't regret it because I love her to death and am glad we reached that level of intimacy.

We fight a lot. I've cried every day for over a month. I want to die. We have been trying to be friends and sometimes it is good but then we get into fights. She is hot to me one minute, cold the next.

I want closure but she won't give me any. When I ask why didn't she give our sexual relationship another chance she just says I don't know. I ask if she feels bad for what she has done she says I don't know. I ask do you care if we are still friends she says I don't know (she's thrown some no's in that one too but later says it wasn't true). Always I don't know. Always.

She isn't trying for us. Today we had a talk and I asked her if it was worth fighting. One friend who I talk to about her and I thinks it's purely a platonic relationship but he says I should quit her. That she's a drug. This may be true, but I want to fight. Anyways she said she doesn't know and that it is up to me. She won't tell me she wants to be my friend. That it is worth the bullshit. She says she is inbetween never wanting to talk to me again and her listening to me.

Today she told me I was stupid. That if I think that she doesn't mourn the loss of our relationship that I am stupid. She doesn't show it. She doesn't show that she misses me. She is off in her new relationship. She choose someone over me and she can't understand all the hurt.

To be honest I don't know if I will ever be able to trust her with my feelings anymore. Even just as friend. She has stepped all over my heart and doesn't think our love is worth it.

I told her she never loved me. She hates that I say this. Says I am wrong. But I don't think love just stops. I still care for my other ex. I love him to death. I never stopped loving him. I cried when I broke up with him. I haven't seen her shed one tear over me. She disagrees that love is everlasting. She thinks it can exist and stop. I just so disagree. If I love someone and make that statement I mean it and I will never stop caring for them ever.

I would like to be friends with her. This was bound to happen. It's just I wish she didn't break my heart and just leave me for someone else and tells me she doesn't care about me anymore. She has been cruel. She apologizes and says she didn't like the boy so much but she does. Well fuck her right. She likes him more than she loves me. That is her choice.

She says she would like to be friends. Best friends even. Wants us to be fine and hang out and not fight because me and her are great friends, were before all the sexual shit...... but she doesn't seem to keen to put any of the work into it.

It is as if it is up to me and it doesn't matter to her. If I never called she wouldn't call me. She doesn't care. Which hurts me to death, but I think... why should I give her a friend who will love her for always, when she didn't extend that curtosey to me.

Anyways. I would really like to try to be friends, but has anyone gone through this type of thing? Will I always have anomosity towards her that she didn't want to fight for me? Or will that fade in time like my feelings for her will?

I have tried being friends with ex girlfriends, it almost never works. Good luck though.

she doesn't want you, and she has made that painfully clear. it sucks. eat some ice cream, cry, mope, and get over it. don't talk to her for a few months (or at least a month at the very least), then if you still want to be friends with her, try it.

A month... that would be so painful. I could try.. but even that I cannot do. I'm rushing for sororities in less than a month and I will have to go into her sororities room and I will see her... i'd rather push through the awk and be friends then like want to cry the second I see her in that room.. which also wouldn't be good for my cause of getting to know new people and well being a normal person..cause normal people don't cry for in those situations... i guess I wouldn't actually cry, but I think I'd act weird if I hadn't talked to her

Oh, and we are going to have to see pictures.

then stay on the other side of the room and don't talk to her. it can be done.

Can you have a friendship with an ex when there is so much anomosity still there?

No.

It is impossible.

Get some distance. Best thing.

I want to forgive her. I want to not be angry. I guess that happens in time. It's just I want to talk to her and see her for the hope that she'll apologize.

She treats me like i'm an idiot for being so hurt... but she cheated on me. Lied. Broke my heart. And told me I'm not worth the time.

It just hurts.

All of that makes sense you know. But I don't want to not love her anymore but yeah. Distance.

She's my best friend.

Imagine breaking up with your best friend and lover at the same time.

I feel like I have no one now. No friends. No one who loves me.

She didn't really have anyone before this guy but she gets to put off her misery by fucking someone and missing someone and liking someone.

That's what I hate the most. Like it was a cop out. A mother fucking cop out. She couldn't even take a month to go out with someone else. She had to jump right in. That above all us I think is unforgiveable. That she loves me, but doesn't care enough.

She's her own person. I understand that. If she likes someone she shouldn't have to factor her ex in... but she started seeing him before she broke up with me.

Also when we were going out I asked her if she was guilty for kissing him. Fucking him in his car as she was walking him there while I waited in her room so we sleep together. She said no. Had no guilt.

Later I asked her if she would be guilty kissing me now. She said yes. She is his. She didn't love me enough to be guilty... but apparently likes him enough to be.

OMG OMG secret lesbian girlfriend!


Sounds kinda like a superhero.


Being friends with Ex's rarely works. There's too much bullshit.

As a student of psychiatry, I recommend therapy.

You can do it anonymously, and it would help in your situation a lot.

Going it alone is the worst possible thing that you can do. You need someone to help you realize that life is not lost, and that there are so many things left to experience. It's in the cases when this reassurance doesn't occur that bad things happen (violence, etc.)

Hope all works out. If you need help with any specific feelings you have, be sure to post them. My girl friend is going to be a relationship specialist, so I'm sure she can relay some advice via me.

I'm actually quite interested in psychology... unfortunantly I'm a crazy... so yea

Anyways...

I know none of you know me and who I am.. but from what I am saying...

I'm I too optimistic... or to go further... am I egotistical?

I have a feeling that she wants to get through this and that our love was special and it'll make us be great friends. Is this optimism... or am I egotistical that I cannot admit or see that maybe someone who I love just doesn't love me back and just doesn't care about me.

The thing that is different about us is I was miserable with her and miserable without her. I had quite a lot of issues with being a bi sexual. My family is very religious so this was an issue. I was paranoid all the time and hated myself at times and was depressed. I think maybe we are just meant to be friends but there was something so special about our love.

Even though I was sad some of the time it was worth it for her. I loved her. And I thought I'd grow out the depression. I really thought that it was a possiblity that I might come out one day and shout my love for her. I thought I would get over these issues and be happy one day.

So I love her. I do. But I guess everyone would be happier if we were friends, the way it was done just was very harsh and makes me feel rejected.

She tells me to just get over her. It's just like I was changing my life for her and I feel like I'm stuck alone in a place i've never been. I cannot revert back to who I was because then I've wasted 2 years of my life. But I have no guide to continue on. I feel scared and I feel hopeless.

I have no want to move. I have to sexual appetite anymore. To be honest no hunger appetite either. I just want to wake up happy.

School is starting in a couple weeks. I hope to meet new friends and start over... meet some guys. But waiting for the summer to be over is dreadful.

I never thought I would hate summer so much

Oh also... I won't trust the therapist.

I will never say the words I am gay or bisexual... ever.

I couldn't sit there and say that to anyone. I would be too paranoid it would get around. I know confidentiality. I just would be too paranoid. I couldn't trust anyone with this secret.

The only one who knows doesn't give a fuck.

Ok, I am now going to try and dissect how you are feeling using the knowledge I have so far (of behavioral science, that is). I hope that this helps.

1). You ask if your view about a "great friendship" is egotistical, or optimistic. The answer is: it is neither. Well, in a way it is optimism, but not in the regular sense of the term. It is human instinct to adapt to slow environmental changes, but to resist quick ones. For example, animals can adapt to temperature changes (via evolution) or large spans of time. They cannot, however, adapt to a sudden, drastic change in climate. Therefore, thousands of years of evolution have programmed your brain to resist changes that threaten (what you perceive as) your survival. This way, your brain knows to get out of a situation that could kill you. Although this may help you if you're suddenly in a "Day After Tomorrow" situation, all it does is cause problems in social crises.

For the past two years your world has (probably) centered on your lover. She has become a part of your daily environment. So, since she is suddenly not there, your brain is trying to cope by imagining a world where she still is there. From what I know, this is just a step in a LONG process of healing. The same thing happens when there is a death in the family. Those closest to the departed "cannot believe" that he/she is no longer there. They keep thinking that they will just walk in the door, as if nothing had ever happened.

One experiment conducted on this matter concerned what it's like to lose a spouse (through death, or other events). In the end, the following equation was made: “For every year a relationship lasts, it takes 2-5 months to get over the absence of the other member of the party.” So, basically, this feeling should diminish with time.

Whether you can still be friends or not does not depend solely on you; that can only be determined by you and your lover TOGETHER.

2). You talked some about how you were "miserable with her, and also without her." If you were truly "miserable" when you were dating her, but still "loved her" (assuming that being miserable is not due to your paranoia of being found out) then being miserable was just a form of self-loathing. All you need to do is look around at the media to see that homosexual relationships are not entirely acceptable in society. This is wrong, and although we are heading toward the track of tolerance, it will be a long time before gays can express their feelings without fear of rejection.

Also, you say that your family is religious. That can make the loathing even worse. So, I think it is safe to say that you do "love her", and any feelings of being "miserable" were just a form of self-anger. It's hard doing something that you have been taught is "wrong" your entire life without feeling bad about it.

However, you shouldn't feel bad. Don't listen to people who say that you should just be friends. It doesn't matter what makes THEM happy, what matters is what makes YOU happy. Most recent studies show that homosexual feelings aren’t that abnormal. In fact, some say that everyone has them, it’s just a matter of extent. If you need more clarification on this matter, I can type it out. However, the theory behind it is fairly complicated, so I’m not going to waste your reading time doing it right now.

3). You mentioned that moving on would be a “waste of my life.” It’s very easy to think this way, so it is normal to do so. You’re not weird for feeling like your relationship was a waste of time, because that’s what most people do. However, just because most people do it DOES NOT make it right. You need to think of life as a road. When you were born you began travelling down the road, and at the end of that road is when life ends. If all we ever thought about is the destination, no one would ever accomplish anything.

Instead, you need to think of everything that happens to you as an experience. Those two years helped shape your very existence. They are a part of you, and although they may seem useless now, they helped form your personality. You need to think of all the happy times that you had together. No one can EVER take those times away from you. No matter how far and distant they may seem now.

In conclusion, the only choice you have is to move forward. If you think that you can truly handle a friendship with your ex right now, then ask what she thinks about it. Otherwise, just move forward. Treasure the times that you had together, and remember, you have a lot of road ahead of you. You mentioned that you are still in school, so that probably means that you have AT LEAST a good 50 years left in life. Imagine, if those 2 years felt like so long, what will 50 feel like? If you move on now, you can live the rest of your life just how you want to. Hard times help us to appreciate the good times even more.
PS: I know that therapy seems hard, but it may be the right thing to do. Not wanting to eat is a sign of depression, and that NEEDS to be treated. Especially considering that you feel alone in this mess. Depression is best treated by a good support system, and you need one.

Hope that this helps.

It does, ZX Diet Pepsi. You're a good guy. Thanks.

I'm taking everything you say to the heart. You're right that it is a decision her and I will have to make later on.

I'm just such an in the moment person. If in two months we are friends i'll be kinda annoyed that I wasted two months not talking to her... but I am rational, and I understand that I need to recover.

I'm not getting any better talking to her. I just get worse. I get hope and then she shatters it... a lot of the time not even by her own fault, because of my over-sensitivity.

It's good that you realize these things.

Many people look at psychiatry the wrong way. They think that we can prescribe you some "miracle" anti-depresant, and everything will go away. Although in some cases (like with bi-polar disorder) medicine can dissolve the issue completely, most times it is not so. We can point you in the right direction, but it is YOUR mind. We can tell you what we "think" needs to be done, but you have to explore the problem and conform the solution to your situation.

From this post it seems like you are well on your way to doing so. You know, better than anyone else, how your own mind works. So, listen to the things I've said previously, and trust your instincts from here on out. No difficulty is too hard to conquer, as long as you set your mind to it.

I wish you the best of luck.

*did not read thread because it would make him stupiderer*

Yeah, but why the fuck would you want to? Even if you've got kids its a stupid idea.

Yeah, I really want to be friends with my ex but I still like him so I am going to not talk and break away from him for a while because I will never get over him, which I really really really need to do, hes just not the right guy for me, well right now anyway, I went on a trip to TN and it really changed my feelings for him I guess, I just realized how he acted towards me this whole year of us being apart, and its just not what I want, I dont want to be with someone who gets mad and flips out at me, I know there are so many other guys out there that wont do that to me, I need to be away from him so I can find one. Annd if you read this I am sorry.

Maybe he can change... maybe he flips out cause he loves you so much...

Maybe that's the whole point eh... if he flips out maybe you both need time to be defamiliarized and become more respectful with eachother..

Sorry, I've stolen all of your thunder and applied it to my life to gain a little clarity

cut off all contact. its the best, easiest and fastest way...i just went through a break up that really sucked....i wanted to keep something with my ex...but knew it wasn't realistic, and i was just prolonging the pain by staying in touch with her....
you've just got to end it. totally....

It's never worked fo rme.

So my other ex is my best friend now... so I don't listen to the "it never works" cause he and i went out for 2 years and now are fantastic friends.

Anyways. Yea I see your point.

I am not going to fight with her anymore. I told her if I do she can kick me to the curb.

The thing is. I cry right. I am sad. If I love her maybe not dragging her down with me would do that. Talking it out which annoys her/frustrates her I guess makes us both miserable. Maybe I should just be the bigger person and one of us could be happy... and eventually maybe i'll catch up.

It doesn't usually work. Speaking of animosity, when my cheating ex tried the whole "let's be friends!" bit, I told her that if she ever talked to me again they wouldn't find her body. So that's how I feel about it.

I didn't all the responses but to anyone who asks for pics, please don't. That really, truly, won't help this girl.

My best advise is the hardest, don't see or talk to her for at least a month, preferably 4. Then after that amount of time, judge your feeling and see if you could consider her as a friend. Hang out at the mall or something.

I'm sorry this is so hard, I just broke up yesterday and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it too :(

Good luck nameless stranger, good luck :)

oc6, I wanted to ask you something.

So yes I've realized all this about pissing her off. I asked her once why she doesn't like me and she said I don't know. Then after some fighting she was like, "Because every time we see each other this happens. I cannot stand you."

So yea I've come around. The thing is you didn't want to try and talk it out right. Did you still want to be friends with her. My issue is that I feel like her lack of trying means she doesn't care which gets me right back to the issue of why should i try i shoudl just hate her and forget about her.

But I realize some people just want not to be stressed. Maybe they wish it was all worked and they would be happy. Maybe she really does want to be friends but I just don't get why it should be all on me.

We're at a stand still. I want it to be worked and that takes work but she doesn't want to be guilted/talk about it.

Why should she get her way? Why should I make the effort?

It just gets back to it that she doesn't care if we are friends because if it's too hard than it's not worth it.... but I should be worth it to her.

Not being so makes me regret everything I have ever done for her. I'll never have a relationship like this again, because it is just so not worth it. I have just realized you cannot trust anyone with your heart because some people are just stupid fuckers.

In my immediate experience I'm going through the exact same thing. I broke up with my girlfriend who was also my best friend. There was just such an intimate connection on all levels. I often find myself daydreaming about her...

Just force yourself to stop doing it. Stop obsessing. It doesn't help you any.

The best thing you can do right now is do something for yourself. Self-improvement all the way. I wasn't exactly in the best shape of my life, so I started going to the gym and work all of my anger out that way. Put yourself first right now, because that's the only one who matters here.

Trust me. It's been only two months for me (out of a five-year relationship) and it hurts every day. But I've had those minutes of lucidity where I briefly forget about her missing from my life. You'll get to the same point.

Just give it time, and (most importantly) find something to do that makes YOU feel better in some way. (exercise is never a bad thing)

-Dust