Let's see... where to begin?

A year ago I was offered the chance to do a student exchange to Germany. I took it right away because I love German and I planned on taking more. From America there were tons of guys who wanted to go, and from Germany there were tons of girls who wanted to go. This resulted in some guys getting guy partners, some girls getting girl partners, and a lot of guys getting girls partners. I was one of the guys with a girl partner. Now, let me just say this: I didn't expect to go to Germany and fall in love. I really didn't. It just happened for a few reasons which I will cover later.

I was sifting through the applications with some friends during class and I came across one application that caught my eye. She was pretty, but she also seemed like a girl who wasn't prissy or anything. Her name was Kristina. I started reading through her application and she sounded like just the kind of girl that I would like to stay with. She liked to shop (which I do), she liked to play PS2 from time to time (which I do as well), and she was very close to her friends. I immediately concluded that this girl was to be my partner. I handed the application to my teacher who would be going on the exchange and she gave me Kristina's email. Naturally I was to start emailing her asap.

The Germans came here in October of '06. They stayed for 3 weeks. Now, I feel comfortable in saying that it's pretty natural for most people to feel shy around someone they have just met. Her flight, along with all the other students, was supposed to get in the airport at about 9PM. We ended up leaving at about 10:45PM because of delays and waited at the terminal with the rest of the Americans until about 12:30AM. At this point we just got her luggage when she arrived and drove straight to my house. We showed her around the main floor and the basement, where her room was. After that we all went to bed because it was about 1:30AM by then. It was an awkward ride to my house since I didn't quite know what to say. However this was about the extent of it.

I won't say much about the 3 weeks that followed since they're *mostly* irrelevant. I will say a few things however that probably contributed to my feelings for her. I live very close to my high school (about 5 minutes walking), so I walked with her to school every day. Germans are very close people and have a smaller bubble of space than Americans. While walking she would frequently brush her hand against mine or the equivalent. Also, I got up and ate breakfast with her and did all the stuff for her that she didn't know how to do... it's hard to explain. I just felt like I was taking care of her while she was here, and it felt good for me because I've never had a girlfriend before. It was nice, taking care of her and stuff.

The day the Germans left was November 4th. Unfortunately, I had to take a *practice* ACT test with a bunch of the American exchange students that day and I couldn't see Kristina off to her plane. This made me very sad. It resulted in me having to wake up very early that morning to take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and say goodbye to her. I knocked on her door at about 6:30AM and slowly opened it as she turned her light on. I thanked her for being such a good guest and that I couldn't wait to come to Germany in June of '07. I felt my eyes tear up as I hugged her goodbye in her pajamas. I left the room as I said goodbye and shut the door. I walked upstairs solemnly and left at 6:45AM for the test. I couldn't concentrate the entire time.

So now comes the end of school. I leave for Germany on June 11th. School ends June 6th. I have 5 days to relax and get all packed. I'm excited as hell and so is everyone else. So I'm skipping the plane flight, the 2 days in Rothenburg and skipping right to the exchange. The moment we arrive at the school in a big-ass tour bus, I know I'm where I belong. We unload all of our luggage from the bottom and I stumble through all of the people as a friend says he found my cell phone on the floor. Damn I owe him. So I finally stumble through everyone, and there she is. She's looking right at me with a big smile wearing the AE shirt she bought here (which looks great on her btw). I get my luggage on the other side of the bus and greet her and her mom. We all exchange hugs and go to the car where we ride on over to her house, about 5 minutes away. They ask me how the plane flight was, etc etc. All of this is in English, even though I could've said all of it in German. So we get to the house and I drop my suitcase and backpack next to the stairs. I see my exchange dad and he looks just as funny as ever. I give him a big 'ol bear hug and grin, almost crying with happiness.

The entire 3 weeks were filled with bliss. I have never been happier in my entire life. I was always busy, always seeing new stuff, always hanging with friends. Kristina was always there smiling too. She took care of me like I took care of her in America. I helped around the house, I did what I could to change to their customs and stuff. I tried not to act like an American and get everything dirty- but it's fucking hard not to get a tablecloth dirty when you eat toast, amirite? So anyway I did my best. I even conquered one of my "fears"- I have really bad acne on my upper back/shoulders and on my chest and I don't take my shirt off when I swim. However, through persuasion by a few pretty hot german exchange girls, I took my shirt off after giving them fair warning. I am overweight, sure, but I can live with people seeing that. I wouldn't care one bit if I was just fat. It's the acne though. I don't want people to have to see that. But ANYWAY, I kinda conquered that fear.

I changed while I was in Germany. I became a person who doesn't complain about heat or sweat or smell, a person who's more tolerant of insects, a person who can just enjoy life more. Everything and everyone in the exchange helped contribute to that and I can't even think of how I can thank them. Back to the story..

The second weekend in Germany, we took a trip to Salzburg (all the Americans and like 11 Germans). The night before we left was a bad night. In fact, the worse night of my life. I was having a great time chatting with a bunch of people in their room about random stuff. Then a friend of mine knocks on the door, says he needs to talk to me. We think it's a joke, so I make him get against the wall on the other side so he can't barge his way into the room. He complies and I ask him to come to the door. He tells me very quietly, "hey justin listen.. I don't know what happened but somehow Jojo (another exchange student, friend of Kristina's) found out that you like Kristina." I tell him thanks and I shut the door and lock it again. I go back to my other friends and they're like yo justin what's up? At first I blew it off since I didn't know what to make of it, but I slowly realized: if Jojo knows, Kristina knows. And if Kristina knows, then everything I've worked for, my entire relationship with her is fucked. I became exponentially depressed, meaning that at first I was kinda down, the next minute I was depressed, the next minute I was ready to die. Almost every one of my friends in the room knew how I felt about her, so I told them what Dan (the guy who told me) told me. A friend, Bethany, was like "oh man justin, I'm so sorry." She climbs down off the top bunk on the other side and comes over to me. She sits really close and puts her head on my shoulder and starts saying all this nice, sentimental stuff and how like "jojo can go fuck herself" and all this shit. Keep in mind she has a boyfriend so I'm not feeling turned on or anything stupid. I just sit there with my hands through my hair, thinking, and I start hearing sobs coming from Bethany. Eventually I see her wiping her tears and sniffling a lot while Bryan and Mike sit and watch with sympathy. Ashley comes over and comforts Bethany and I say I'm sorry and I leave the room. I'm going to my room and one of my roommates, Chris, goes JUSTIN! GET IN HERE QUICK! I cheer up for about half a second and then realize that in the pitch blackness of the room, there are about 8 people, and 2 of those 8 were Kristina and Jojo. I mumbled "fuck" and walked down the hallway holding my sandals in my right hand. I slumped against the wall after reaching the end of the hallway and fell to floor, almost in tears. I couldn't believe what was happening. Now, I can't quite recall why I felt so shitty, but believe me- I literally wanted to die. I've felt suicidal before, but this was the real deal.

Skipping forward a day, it was kinda awkward. I avoided Kristina. I was by myself for half of the entire day. Later I realized that avoiding her wasn't going to do me any good and I became more active with my friends during the day, having a good time and stuff. After getting back to her home town and getting away from her friends, I felt much better. One night's sleep completely fixed it for me.

On the night before I left, I gave her a long (see: 15-min) speech about how I felt about German and Germany and just how nice her family has been to me. She didn't say much. I was nearly driven to tears and choked up about 5 times during the speech. I had to calm myself down to avoid crying in front of her. After I was done, I thanked her for everything and gave her a big hug. I went to bed and woke up the next morning not wanting to leave. We met at the school with the big tour bus to take us away. We loaded our luggage and went to hang out with our friends until we had to leave. I cried twice during that 15-minute period in front of a lot of people. I gave her a final hug goodbye and she told me "you have to come back. you promised." I told her I would and walked away to the bus, not looking back. I got on and sat down in my seat and stared out the window as tear started flowing freely from my eyes. As the bus pulled away I started to cry harder, muffling my cries with my backpack. I didn't want to leave her. I just didnt.

She had been my world for 3 weeks. My entire world. I love her. I love her so much. I love her more than anything I can imagine.

After I got back, I got an email about 3 days later. I will copy and paste the part about my feelings:

"Well, I wanna thank you for the songlyrics you've written for me. Nobody ever in my life has done something like this for me. I was really surprised but also very flattered. But I don't feel the same way that you seem to feel. You're like a second brother to me, like Torsten. I'm sorry!! I hope we're still good friends and don't be too sad. Someday another girl will come your way and then you will have forgotten me." (for the songlyrics, I just took 'hey there delilah' and replaced a few words.)

I was crushed by this email. It brought me down a lot and I was pretty damn sad as I wrote my response, which is irrelevant. Needless to say, she doesn't feel the same way as me. I know that when I go back none of this will make for any awkwardness, but I want to make things better. I love her so much, and I will never stop loving her. She's amazing. She's everything I could ever want in a girl. Picture is below for reference, but shouldn't be needed to know how I feel.

This took a long time to write and with that time came a lot of feelings. If my tone ever changes, it's because I took a break in writing it.

I still can't express how much I love her. I can't express how I feel at all. None of my friends know except for one, and that's his girlfriend. My situation is worse, however. It's a girl that if I want enough, I can change myself enough to make myself a candidate for her. I just need to lose 30lbs and add on a bit more as muscle and I'm good. Wouldn't hurt for the acne to go away either. But enough of that.

I don't know what to do. Do I continue to go for a girl that makes me feel happy, the one girl, the one PERSON who makes me feel like I matter? The one person who makes me feel like I'm good at something (German)? Or do I leave it be and be excellent friends with her for the rest of my life? I plan on moving to Germany 1-2 years after college, so seeing her wouldn't be that much of a problem.

I love her. :(

me in salzburg: http://a137.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/66/l_1b4af732e601c3a66a7a57e442325d60.jpg

kristina (on the left): http://i19.tinypic.com/4v2xnxf.jpg

tl/but I still read it ;)

First, sorry about you having your soul crushed with that "love you like a brother" shit.

Second, if she thinks of you as a brother, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that. She will not magically get all hot and bothered by incest. So it's time to face the fact that you will never be in a romantic relationship with her. Ever. So just completely remove that thought from your head right now.

However, you can love her without being in a romantic relationship. Nothing is stopping you from being friends. Normally in these situations, when the feelings aren't reciprocal the friendship dies. Tragically, disastrously, and in a ball of flames. In this case, though, it looks like you can still (hopefully) salvage your friendship.

So you can either continue to pine for someone you will never ever in a million years be with and drive yourself batshit insane, or you can accept the fact that there won't be anything more than a friendship and enjoy the time that you'll get to spend together.

I mean, wouldn't you rather have her in your life as just a friend than not in your life at all?

Thirdly, don't cry in public. Fat people don't look good when they cry.

And lastly, that picture is taking way too long to load, so I'm going to just assume she's hot. In which case, she may have turned you down, but do you mind passing her email this-a-way, partner?

Thanks for reading, robinhoody. I know it's long.

so yeah i can accept defeat, sounds fine. i still want to be really good friends with her and when she gets married i better be getting an invite so i can tell the guy how lucky he is.

and dont cry in public? dude its the first time since i was 8, gimme a fuckin break.

and no email for you, even though i like you. and try not to be so assholeish/sg-ish when posting in these forums, cause people like me pour their fuckin hearts out for feedback.

You sound like a big pussy.

She found out you like her? Big deal. I tell every girl I see "I want to fuck you". It's just simpler this way. They'll either laugh, slap me, or fuck me. Either way, I get fucked, who cares.

You acted like a total pussy though.

Crying over a girl? You're what, 16? 17 at best? You don't know love boy. You don't know love until you've been married 3 years and she rips your heart out telling you the engagement's off and telling you to go fuck yourself.

As long as you man up, you can meet 10 new chicks of equal hotness this week alone. So get out there, don't feel sorry for yourself, and go on with your life.

Get moving or GTFO (by that I mean suicide). Seriously.

EDIT: I'll add this. Your fatness or acne wasn't any part in how much pussy you (didn't) get. Seriously. I've gone out with people 10x worse looking than me, and they'll end up with more chicks. It's ALL about confidence.

You're just passionate now. Give it a minute, go down a couple of beers with your friends, and you'll be saying "kristina who". Seriously, it's your first "love" (You aren't in love with her, trust me, you're just lonely). You'll feel like this again and again until it just wanes and you have no more feeling left in your soul.

Also, searching for "that one" is stupid. Go out, get laid, if you find a chick who's a good fuck, good looking, and also intelligent, keep her around. If not, keep fucking girls until you do find one.

Lastly: She's like a 7/10 at best. Seriously. If you lived near me I'd take you out and get you laid with a much hotter chick, of your choosing even. Don't sweat it kid.

and try not to be so assholeish/sg-ish when posting in these forums, cause people like me pour their fuckin hearts out for feedback.I think we have a misunderstanding. I was not trying to be an asshole...

Whatever dude, it's your choice to be all "confident" and upfront about your desires. And for the record, I am 16.

Whatever dude, it's your choice to be all "confident" and upfront about your desires. And for the record, I am 16.

I have to agree with ROFL.

Don't be an emo. By your choice of song "Hey there Delilah" I can only assume it's too late. There are two types of people in this world:

1) Those who step up when life gets hard. Change themselves, get 100 girlfriends, make the bitch jealous, and then turn her down and cause her to cry.

OR

2) EMOs who just go and cry about their problems.

It's not a choice to be confident. It's a fucking necessity if you want to be successful in any of life's games. Not having confidence leaves you jacking off to her picture, while she's getting plowed by 12 Germans in a German Bukkake film.

THOSE ARE YOUR CHOICES, I'VE MADE IT CLEAR.

She doesn't like you now. What are you going to do about it?

Plagiarizing crappy emo songs won't get you pussy. If you want sucess you have to man up for your actions. Let me spell it out for you.

She came to your house, and you "fell in love" with her. The confident man would have told her how he felt. If she didn't like it, he'd have handed her a vibrator and told her to go fuck herself, and then went out drinking.

YOU on the other hand listened to shitty music, cried about it, and prayed to the stars that she'd fall in love with you to. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT GOING TO GET YOU LAID? Seriously, think about it. You WANT to get laid, but are willing to do NOTHING about it. I understand you're young and inexperienced, but how the fuck did you expect this to turn out? Like a fucking movie? She's not gonna fuck you, she'll fuck that asshole who treats her like shit and furthers her low self esteem.

The worst part is you still think you have a chance. What the fuck kid? I just told you it's over. LITERALLY! DONE DEAL! There's nothing you can do. And why would you still be friends with her? So she can have you wrapped around her finger and you'll do anything for her just for the chance of a nipple slip?

Get the fuck out of here kid. I seriously hope this has pushed you over the suicide edge, because your weak sperm doesn't deserve to float around with the likes of mine. Not that you'll ever get to shoot off a load except for into a tissue. Get the fuck out of here.

Though the above post was a bit too harsh, he has a point.

You aren't going to win girls with Emo ideas. You're going to have to stand up for yourself kid. I used to be like you, taking everything to heart, avoiding girls when they knew I liked them and what I realized is not to fall too hard too fast.

You need a course of self improvement, start exercising to give you energy, a better shape and testosterone. Crying isn't gonna help.

You seem intelligent but you're thinking too much with your heart, not with your balls.

I love how everyone here thinks that if a guy likes a girl, all he wants is to fuck her. That's not the case here. While I would not mind fucking her, it's not my ultimate goal. And I've already been bashed for it, but I'm gonna say it anyway: I love her for who she is, and not just so I can bang her.

Alright, I'll get over it. But you assholes who say I'm emo.. fuck off. Seriously. I USED to be like that. I'm not anymore. If you had a shred of taste or knowledge in/about music you would know that Hey There Delilah is not emo but a love song.

Lawl, you honestly think that post would make me want to commit suicide? I may be a pussy when it comes to girls but an asshole posting his opinion is not enough to send me over the edge.

ohhh mate, i ussually stop reading long posts after the third line but this one was different...

i've felt the same way as you, and all i can say is... let her slip out of your mind. When i was in highschool there was a gilr i used to hang out a lot with, hell, we would even hold each other's hand at every oportunity we had, but when i decided to tell her how i fetl about her she reacted with the same "i love you like a brother" shit...

Argggh, ok, its just they dont feel the same way and i can understand that, but then... why dont they give btter signals so we can stop wasting our times chasing them??

I read it all. Good story, made me tear up. Other than that, I have nothing:(

Dammit. You hadn't replied for a while so I assumed you died and told some friends I pushed an emo kid over the edge. Now I'll have to tell them the truth I guess, but I won't sound nearly as HARDCORE!!!!!

Let's break it down shall we? Women don't want sensitive men. If all you care is about companionship, get a fucking dog. Yes, a Golden Retriever makes a much better companion than any chick, and with enough peanut butter, they'll suck your dick whenever you like. I'll also tell you again. YOU DO NOT LOVE HER. My dad, who's been married for 25+ years, LOVES my mom. You don't LOVE a girl you've know for 6 weeks. Seriously, unless those 6 weeks were in an Italian villa while you defused bombs and she took care of a dying spy, it's not love. Hell, since you don't want to fuck her, it's not even lust. And why don't you want to fuck her anyway, winky too small?

But at least you admit to being a pussy. Too bad you're not taking any steps to change that. I can only assume you like being a pussy, in which case, good for you, maybe Krystal is a lesbian and will want to experiment one of these days. After she's done fucking Hans the German.

Also, your taste in music is atrocious. If you want to learn something about love from music, look up the Beatles, Oasis, Ray Charles, or my personal favourite song about love, DELILAH (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2x-3nl5jM_w).

wow.

i ACTUALLY read the entire thing.

you missed your chance mate.
thats all i can say

Your situation, although shitty, is not as bad as they get.

You are thousands of miles away from her. You will not see her every day.

You can find someone else, Im sure she is doing the same.

Cool thread!

Alright guys. I think I've hit my peak of advice intake and anything else said will just redundant. Go ahead and comment, I don't care.

And I'm glad I'm not the only one that this has happened to, even if it wasn't a long ways away. Thanks for the non-bashing comments guys. :]

I can't believe I actually read all that...

I can see why you disagree with Rykoshet because your personality is obviously polar opposite of his, but seriously, man up.

Don't you have a father figure in your life?