because the wife refuses to be away from our son,its has really gotten to the point where she is obsessive over him,i love him to,but mommy and daddy need some alone time,i tried to get her to let him sleep in his own bed,a crib that i paid alot of money for and he has yet to sleep in,instead he sleeps in our bed,our anniversery was a while back...guess what we did?,stayed at home with the baby,we had several good babysitters,family members that would take him so that we could have some alone time,she wouldnt hear of it,she wouldnt even let him stay with her mother long enough for us to go to the movies,but the biggest thing that bothers me is when i complain about the lack of sex,she says its my fault because i have a problem with the baby being in the bed while we do it....im sorry i know he is only 5 months old i know he dosent know whats happening,i know he is asleep most of the time...but i just cant do it,but she acts like its the end of the world if i even suggest putting him in his crib while we do it......please someone give me some useful advice...i know im Bitching and Moaning...but im posting this here so that maybe i can get some help...

she wants to do it with him in bed??????

wow, she's really creepy. i really don't have any advice to give other than get her some help.

ive told her that its creepy...she dosent think so....what im really worried about though is the long run...if she keeps this up he is going to be one very fucked up kid,she isnt going to let him do anything even remotely risky...i wouldnt be surprised if she wants him homeschooled because she dosent want him away from her,i mentioned that he would be a good football player....no no no he might get hurt...she is going to turn my son into a wussy,she has even gone as far as to try to make me get rid of my motorcycles because she dosent ever want him to want to ride,and if he sees daddy riding he may want to....when he is older of course

You're in a tough spot.

It's only natural that a kid as young as he is would bring out the protective instinct within her. Hopefully you two have good communication. Try to see things from her perspective and see if you can compromise. It's a bit early, but she will probably loosen up as the kid gets older - work with her in the meantime. On the other hand, stand your ground. From one motorcyclist to another, it's not her place for her to decide whether or not you can ride.

Besides, he's going to want to ride when he's of age, regardless :)

hell he has to ride...ive already decided to give him one of mine. im really hoping she will chill out as he gets older...but im worried that she just isnt going to let him be a boy,,,you know what im saying,be rough play in the dirt dig worms that kinda thing...

does she work?

Just think, at least the kid will learn about sex-ed from an early age.
<3

Divorce.

If all else fails.

does she work?

yes, she is a X-Ray Technician, i keep the baby during the day...i own my own business and dont have to be there until after she gets home,but from the time she gets home till the time she goes to bed..she is holding the baby..and on weekends(she dosent work fri-sun) she dosent put him down...i have seriously seen her hold him and him sleep for 7 hrs at a time

you really need to sit her down and talk to her. perhaps talk to her mother and have her tell her that its not healthy. perhaps coming from someone she sees as an 'expert' she will see it as the truth.

otherwise: therapy.

First off, having sex infront of your sleeping baby is in no way wrong, unnatural nor will it adversely effect his development.

Sleeping with a baby in your bed however is extremely dangerous and babies still die from being smothered by their parents rolling over in their sleep etc.

All mothers are (or should be) protective of their new borns but it sounds like your wife is verging on the neurotic or even mentally ill.

Happens.

More than you think.

My suggestion: Put his crib in his room and put a camp bed/sleeping bag next to it and also a 'baby phone' .

Then say to your wife something along these lines.

"Hon, you're a fantastic mother to our child and its right you want to watch over him all the time.

But

As of tonight he sleeps in his room. If you want then of course you can sleep next to him but from now on our bed is our bed."

No matter how she reacts , stick to your guns. Be firm but gentle and don't budge.

She'll almost certainly spend the first few nights in the childs room.

If her reaction to this commandment (and it needs to be one) are extreme then you need to get her to a doctor asap.

Tell her stuff like this destroys marriages and there is the chance she could smother the baby. If she is as protective as she seems she might put him back in the crib.

Maybe if your son got smacked up a little you wife might realize he isn't made of glass and loosen up. I'm not telling you to beat up your son by any means. Your son being hurt is inevitable, getting hurt is what children do.

really i think thats the problem....her mother, she wasnt and still isnt very motherly..she kinda acts like her kids are burdens,she is a very self-involved person...i think my wife having grown up with her as a mother is just over doing it out of fear she will be the same.....but she dosent know what a strain she is putting on our marriage,,she dosent know,but i have told her,she just thinks im being silly

btw giving in to her about the bikes was a major mistake and may well cost you your marriage.

I could give you a long lecture about why but the simple truth is you let her emasculate you. You let her chop your balls off. She fell in love with and married a man not a boy and certianly not an eunuch.

It'd be different if you agreed with her about it setting a bad example but you obviously don't.


You're falling into the trap a lot of young fathers fall into and you need to learn to lead again.

Giving a Mother advice on how to mother their child.

I wish you the best of luck.

My only thought is to ask her to talk to her friends about it. See what they think about it. Sometimes it means more coming from a trusted outside source.

You should be firm on the matter. You want your son to be a son, not a baby bird waiting for mommy bird to swoop down and feed him.

Her own mother is the last person she'll listen to.

I think everyone is overreacting.

When my daughter was a baby I couldn't bear the thought of being away from her....I literally held her all of the time, because if she was away from me I was worried she would feel lonley or sad and I wouldn't know. She slept in our bed until she was like 8 months old because I had to nurse her during the night.

You guys have to understand...When a woman has a baby there is suddenly this ENORMOUS feeling of responsibility and protectiveness that comes over her. Also, the love a woman feels for her baby is stronger and more all consuming than anything she's ever felt before. It can be scary and it takes a while to get used to.

Your wife will gradually get better about letting your baby be left with a sitter and sleep in his own room. He's only 5 months old! Give her some time to get used to being a mother and to the idea that he'll be fine without her for a couple of hours. As for sex...It really won't damage him to see you do it. My husband and I had sex in front of our daughter until she was like 2 1/2 and she never noticed or cared what we were up to. We just threw on a blanket, put her in her crib with some toys and tried to hurry!:P Welcome to parenthood, my friend.:D

I don't think moving the baby into another room is good idea right now jack. She could very well go with it.


That was indeed the point. Of course she'll go with it.

Not every woman is "obedient", jack. He really has to know his woman before doing that.

He needs to know whether or not this is normal fresh-mother concern (as Xiao champions) or something more serious. Her reaction to this 'ultimatum' is a quick and easy way of finding out.

Outcast is right.

It's hard for a man to understand...As much as my husband loves our daughter...It's just not the way I do.

I don't know, jack. I just don't know.

Me neither, at this distance its always a best guess. And maybe i'm just old fashioned. I'm pretty much of a view that as of 3 months a baby sleeps in its own room alone (all other things being equal of course) as much for the mother's sake as anything else.

Oh we understand alright, we're the ones who have to suffer or pick up the pieces when it goes wrong.

...Your situation is unique, Jackketch.

I'm not trying to minimize what's happened in your family, I'm just trying to say that it's not what's happening to the OP.

Actually, for once, i wasn't refering to my own situation. Its all too common that mothers go over to the dark side because they 'love' their baby too much.

How many mothers insecret hate their son's wife and want him back for themselves? I've known several. How many woman ignore their other children because the baby takes all their love? Happens. How many marriages go wrong after the oh-so-wished-for-baby ? And its not always due to sleepless nights and sudden lack of money and sex.

Part of being a husband and father is stopping the wife 'over-loving' (for want of a better word).

Sometimes even that love and feeling of needing to protect sends women to kill their children to protect them. Its not always (as in my case) due to Post Partum Pyschosis.

Euda, at five months old, that's what they are. :D

Of course, but it seems that the Goat King is worried about it carrying over till the age of 20. I've seen mothers like that. I know one woman that helped her son wipe his bottom until he was 10. That is not healthy for the growth of a young person.

dont bring up the goats Euda,now your just being mean :)
i've already told her that i was going to make the baby sleep in his own bed,she said she would sleep in the floor in his room.she knows i feel that she is obsessive over him,but she says she cant help it,i dont want any of this to sound like i am just being a asshole that wants my wife all to myself again,thats not the case at all, i love my son,when im not at work i spend all my spare time with him,i just feel that every once in a while, my wife and i should be able to spare a few moments for us,she dosent feel that way,she accuses(sp) me of not loving our son enough,which really pisses me off,says i dont love him the same way she does,she is right in a way,i didnt carry him for 9 months ,i wont ever have that extra closeness with him that she does,but she needs to realize that he isnt made of glass,he wont break if she isnt with him every second,and that we as a couple need time for ourselves,not a lot, just a few hours every other week,but she refuses. to be honest im really tired of fighting with her over this

It takes time. When we had our first kid, everytime he sneezed we called the paramedics. It wasn't til he nearly died a couple of times that we both loosened up a lot.

Long as he's screaming then he's alive and breathing, its when they go quiet you need to panic.


Yeah I know you know that but it'll take time for your wife to accept it.

Do as you said, let her sleep on his bedroom floor.

this isnt my first child, it is hers though,ive been thru it all before,my ex wife was/is a very good mother,but she isnt half as insane over the baby as this one is....she wont even let me take him out of the house unless she is with us...i do anyways,but she hates it.i had a dentist appointment the other day,she had to work,so she couldnt stay with the baby,after i refused to reschedule(i have a shop to run)she wanted me to take him with me to the dentist instead of having her grandmother come over to sit with him for a few hrs.when i told her she was out of her mind,she once again tells me i dont love the baby and calls her work to tell them she was going to be late, i cant begin to tell you how this is affecting our marriage,i will leave, she knows this and it scares her, she tells me all the time how she cant bear not being with me, but i dont want what was a pretty good marriage to fall apart because she cant get a grip.i dont know...maybe its ME blowing this all out of proportion.ok im threw complaining,i just needed to talk to someone who wouldnt tell me i dont love my son...you guys fit the bill...well except for Euda,you goat stealing miscreant

No it isn't you blowing it out of proportion (and I did say earlier how exactly this kind of thing ruins marriages).

You gotta lead, ain't no other way.

she says she can't bear to be without you, but does she realize that she already is? it seems that all you are to her at this point is someone she can trust with the child, not her partner, not the man she loves. clearly i do not know what it is like to be a mother, but just because she now is a mother doesnt mean she has to stop being a wife.

i really don't think this is just you. she has some issues she needs to work through. i know you have talked to her repeatedly, but i guess persistance is key? as jack said, just stick to your guns. this really seems to be wearing you down, and understandably so, but if you really want to work this out and stay together you have to keep trying.

Tatued, I hear your story and am thinking of "good news, bad news".

First the bad news.......Yeah, there is a good chance if she CONTINUES this clingy behavior, your kid could grow up to be quite neurotic. I've seen it firsthand with kids in amongst my friends and family. The baby that was never let down is often clinging to Mommy's side still at 4 or 5 during BBQ's, parties etc. Sure there are always exceptions, but it is true that babies need to learn about independence very early on. She isn't allowing him any sense of "comfort level" on his own, and IF her behavior continues she is setting a precedent that could carry on later in life.

The good news......It seems to me you spend more hands on time with your son than probably 95% of most dads. Add to the fact that most kids grow up emulating/mimicking the same sex parent, then since you have this much time with him means you have a GREAT chance to influence him. What is really scary is when you wake up 3 years from now and you see a little midget clone of yourself acting TOO much like yourself! : ) Trust me, I'm living that right now as my son is 4.

As for the sex thing, I gotta admit this......I'm probably hornier and more perverted than you are, but I would never have fucked my wife with a baby in the same bed. Sure same room with him in the crib....we've done that plenty. I'm not saying anyone that could/would is some kind of sicko, I myself just can't be THAT close to kid and have erotic thoughts. Who knows....maybe you and I are just having better sex than everyone else that would.....because the way I fuck, there is no WAY that kid would stay asleep from all the noise, jostling, and bodily fluids flying. Nah, I wouldn't want him in the firing range either.....I don't blame ya.

As for giving you any advice, I really don't think any of us have enough details to totally understand the dynamic between you and your wife. I will however try to give you a ray of optimism which will probably make sense. Your "role" of dad is going to greatly change in the next couple of years. Once he starts to talk, walk, go outside and actually "play" (rather than just be handed off from person to person in whatever environment he is in).......THOSE are the real formative years. You'll get your chance to mold him in the months and years to come. Pick your battles wisely. If you and the wife have certain disagreements in child rearing issues, know when to pull back after really weighing the depth/importance of that squabble. Hell, give in and let her have her way with the petty shit the next 19 times in a row. Then # 20, when it DOES mean something significant you'll have more weight and leverage to get your point across. An example of that would be....for now let her have her Disney fantasy theme in the bedroom. But don't you dare let her talk you out of getting him that Harley Davidson electric bike when he turns 2.

While I am concerned at how neurotic and uncomprimising your wife is being, I still have hope your kid will be OK. As long as you continue to have this much influence around him on a regular basis, he'll have so many traits of yours you'll actually WISH their were some of the negative ones he didn't pick up.

As for you and the wife, again I don't know what to say without hearing more details. But what you describe is quite common for many parents having kids for the first time, and usually it works itself out with patience and communication.

Oral Fixation,you have hit it on the button,i dont feel like a husband,lover or even friend anymore,i feel like a babysitter,she, believe it or not actually gets mad when the baby prefers to come to me,good example today i was playing with the baby,and i do the goofy baby talk thing ,i was saying to my son...daddy loves his baby daddy loves his baby just kinda cooing it to him,and he was laughing and pinching my face,when my wife comes in and im not lying,says mommy loves the baby more,it almost like its a contest to her,she told me the other day to not say daddy to him as much as i do, because she wants his first word to be mommy.....said she would be really upset if he said daddy first.....GOD im getting pissed off just thinking about it now....fuck she is driving me in-fucking-sane

then start saying 'mommy' more often...followed by 'is a crazy bitch' :)

i seriously vote for therapy, having an outsider there to listen and guide conversations can be very, very helpful.

when my wife comes in and im not lying,says mommy loves the baby more,it almost like its a contest to her,she told me the other day to not say daddy to him as much as i do, because she wants his first word to be mommy.....said she would be really upset if he said daddy first

Yeah, she definitely needs some kind of help. This shouldn't be a contest of any sort, instead it should be the most fun loving journey ever, bonding the two of you closer. Watching your offspring grow and develop right before your eyes. It seems to me she should have been in therapy years ago for "mommy issues" of her own....and now she is trying to somehow fix her bad childhood by redoing it through your son. You do have a long road ahead of you as far as you and the wife is concerned.

Having just read his last post , I find myself agreeing with you about the therapy...and everyone knows how seldom I think therapy a good idea.

Although I don't think a therapist will actually help much but they will be able to assess her mental state incase there is something more serious there.

Okay now she's starting to sound like MY mother.

Personally, I suspect that she's using the baby as an excuse to avoid dealing with problems in your relationship. She has a problem with you and that's what you need to address instead of talking about her obsession with the baby. She clings to that baby to avoid talking to you, to avoid sleeping with you and she gets pissed if the baby loves you? This is definitely a marital problem.

How old is your wife tatued30?

she is 31,she will be 32 next month

after spending several hours talking to her trying to get her to see how insane she is being(maybe thats a bad choice of words)nothing has changed...well except that she thinks we need some time apart,her words not mine.so me being the nice level headed guy i am,i packed up some of my shit and left.i dont know whats going on.we had a great relationship before the baby was born,im not blaming this on him,i wouldnt change that we had him for anything in the world,but it just dosent make any sence to me,in 3 years the only thing we ever fought about was my smoking,i have quit,...well until about 10.00 last night anyways,we have always been able to talk to each other,something else is going on,i just dont know what it is, i dont think she is cheating,something just isnt right,and i need to fix it before i lose my family,jesus christ!!! this is all fucked up

I'm sorry to hear it.

I'm wishing you the very best of luck. You've always seemed like a good guy. You don't deserve to be going through this sort of thing.

I'd suggest contacting a therapist with a specialization in child development. Ask if she's willing to talk to them with you and the baby.

, i dont think she is cheating,something just isnt right,and i need to fix it before i lose my family,jesus christ!!! this is all fucked up

I'll go out on a limb and bet money she isn't cheating on you. That doesn't fit.

I'd go for what euda suggests above me. Thats about your best option at the moment.

But be warned

As soon as she hears the word 'therapist' she is going to assume that you're trying to get her commited/seize custody of the child.


Sorry but the honest truth is you fucked up real bad and yes you may well lose your family over this one.

Sorry but the honest truth is you fucked up real bad and yes you may well lose your family over this one.

I don't see how he fucked up here.

Having a first baby is a strain on any couple. I think you should try to make up with your wife and suggest some couples counseling. I'm telling you there's a problem in your marraige that has nothing to do with that baby.

Sorry but the honest truth is you fucked up real bad and yes you may well lose your family over this one.

how did i fuck up? all i've done is love her and try to take care of my family

dude, your wife soooo needs help...
she's a bit nutty... =/

how did i fuck up? all i've done is love her and try to take care of my family

*guesses that jack thinks you weren't controlling and manly enough*

Lots of guys would consider leaving when asked to be a fuck up. I'm not one of them; if you think it was the right thing to do, then it was the right thing.

how did i fuck up? all i've done is love her and try to take care of my family

Because right now the ONLY sane person in that household is YOU! So basically you have bailed on your kid, and left him in the care of a psycho. Put your ego in check and focus on the well being of the kid. THAT is what matters at this point, and everything else comes a far second. If you don't get the point that your baby's needs comes way before yours for many many years to come......then you had no business having a kid in the first place.

Bad move. Get your shit and go back asap. The legal ramifications can be very bad, not to mention that people don't work things out by separating, or at least it is quite rare. Separate rooms maybe, not separate houses.

QFMT!!!!

If the OP has to get into the court system for any custody fights in the future, his leaving like he just did is only setting up a precedent of "stability" in the eyes of the courts. You would have had more leverage if you would have changed the locks on her while she was at work, and let HER go through the courts to get custody.

ok first of all,i didnt "bail" on my kid, i went less than 5 min.drive time down the road,im with my son right now,i came over this morning to take care of him while she is at work, just as i always do.i left last night so that i wouldnt strangle the living shit out of her or say something i regretted,it was the right thing to do,she asked me to come back when i got back home this morning,she has called several times today to tell me she is sorry, she knows she is over-mothering him,and it bothers her as much as it bothers me,but she says she cant help it,we are going to get shit back on track,and i will do whatever i need to do to make my marriage work,and Jack while i do respect your opinion, i just dont see the need for me to boss her around,marriage IS a partnership,it takes both to make it work,me being the boss and forcing her to do what i want is not the way to live,and i know she sounds loony..and right now she is,but this isnt the the woman i married,the woman i married is solid as a rock,the most dependable, loving caring person i"ve ever known,i guess just being a new mother is making her batty,i will figure out a way to make things right again...i have to,im not going to lose my family.

maybe slowdown could learn a thing or two from your wife

You say she can't help herself , ie control her self, her emotions? Then who do you think can/can help her?

Thats your job. To be strong for her when she can't.

Nothing 'bossy' about it. You're there to lead her out of the slough of new-mommy-going-apeshit-feelings.

To put it simply and melodramatically , your attitude shouldn't be one of 'DO what I say" but "if you want to live , take my hand"...capish?

You say she can't help herself , ie control her self, her emotions? Then who do you think can/can help her?

Thats your job. To be strong for her when she can't.

Nothing 'bossy' about it. You're there to lead her out of the slough of new-mommy-going-apeshit-feelings.

To put it simply and melodramatically , your attitude shouldn't be one of 'DO what I say" but "if you want to live , take my hand"...capish?

Capish....and believe me im trying

Congratulations, you've convinced me to never have kids. If the little bugger's screeching doesn't drive me to suicide, my significant other's sudden insanity will.

I hear you Rocko, I just read through this whole thread and it is really tripping me out. I eventually want to get married, have a few kids, but this shit is fucking with me. I don't want my wife to go all psycho overprotective on my kids, especially if I end up having boys. Maybe it would be best to have a daughter first, so she can overmother her, and then be more sane with any sons I might have, but even that would suck since I want strong, independent children no matter what their gender.

Hmmm, and my brother and his wife live in my house, and are going to have a baby in less than a month, we(my whole family, who live in this house) are all looking forward to it so I'll see how it goes with my brother and his wife.

On an unrelated note, after having me and my whole family looking forward to this baby, buying her bed and crib and stuff, referring to the baby in my sister-in-law by her first name, etc. I can really see how devastating something like a stillbirth could be. I never quite understood what the big fuss was about until all this with my brother and his wife, it all makes sense, with how even me, the girl's uncle would be devastated by something like that, I can't imagine how it would be for the father and especially mother.

Its called not marrying a bitch after knowing her for a year.

Dear god, my mom was very overprotective when I was little, but never to that extent... And I still had issues because of it. I was painfully shy until I was about 16, and I'm still not great with people.

Get her some help. And learn to use the space bar after periods and commas.

sorry for the long delay in my replying, i had to leave town, my mother had a stroke, i just got back in town today.
well so far so good,i took the baby with me when i left town, she almost lost her mind , but there was no other choice, she called me every few hours to begin with, then when i think she was satisfied that he was safe she began to calm down. when i got home this afternoon, she was of course thrilled to see us and hugged the baby until he almost turned blue(exageration). but she said she thinks that not having had him around for a few days was good for her.she was able to do non-baby things, she went and got her hair done and her nails...girly things that she hasnt done since way before he was born.and also said that she is willing to let him sleep in his bassinet in our room. its not what i want, but it is a step towards it. i really think that she has realized just how insane she was becoming over the baby, hopefully things will get back to normal, she is always going to be overprotective,i can live with that, i just dont want her being crazy about it. But then again this may all be her just saying or doing what she thinks i want,so that i wont leave again.. i dont know, all i do know is i want my marriage to work, and as i have said this is the first real fight we have gotten into in close to 4 years.

I'm really glad things are looking up a bit, I wish you the best of luck and that it will continue so

Glad to hear it. I'm happy that things are working out well.

Yet, your goats are mine.

Whoa I just read the first page and I'm really having second thoughts about ever getting married. But to help you I guess you need to just sit down and talk to her and get professional help. I know thats preety much the obvious thing to do but I think that it has a pretty good chance of helping. It's like shes addicted to the kid.


EDIT: Never mind, it's seems as though things are going to get better. And I'm sorry to hear about your mom I hope shes ok.

Good move taking the baby with you, she needed to see that a few days away from baby isn't Armageddon.

Holy shit she wants it with him in bad?! Just added a new fetish i didnt know of :)

Its called not marrying a bitch after knowing her for a year.

what are you on about? i knew her a lot longer than a year, and she has been the most stable person i knew until all of this.. but it looks like we are getting things back on track