So I've been babysitting for a couple of weeks and it's been going pretrty well! The only problem is my husband HATES it. I mean he bitches about it for like an hour a DAY. He says it's inconvenient and that we don't need the money and that the kids are brats and a host of other complaints. Now I mostly watch the kids when he's at work and even when he's home, I don't ask him to help me. I mean I'll ask him to do stuff with OUR daughter, but she's his kid too and so he SHOULD help me with her! I seriously don't know what his problem is. He always talks about how my job is "stupid" and "worthless" which hurts my feelings, because I feel like I'm making a real financial contribution! I mean I'm saving all of the money I make for our daughter, so it's not like I'm buying stuff for myself with it!

Thoughts?

The answer is EAS, now what was the question?:P

Ok, seriously oc6 is probably right and yes he is being an ass. He has no right to say those kind of things.

Is he worried that if word gets out it will damage his standing in the military? I know service men are touchy about what their wives do. Ie its fine for you take a course in flower arranging but not earn money in a job beneath his pay grade.

Also, knowing you, i'd guess you didnt ask his permission before getting this job? Yes I know you're his partner and not his wife but even the most modern of men can be old fashioned and reactionary over some things.

He's an ass?


That.


And, if he's this much of a prick now, imagine how insufferable he's going to be in a few years.

I suggest you work your ass off making monies and then get the fuck away from him with your daughter.

The words 'stupid' and 'worthless' when said by a man to his wife are unforgiveable. He should be punished.


I really, really want to hurt your husband. He's so pathetic.

The answer is EAS, now what was the question?:P

Ok, seriously oc6 is probably right and yes he is being an ass. He has no right to say those kind of things.

QFT; But you're still a pretentious Brit, old man. :P

He's not a bad guy, he can just be difficult at times. He just gets these ideas in his head and then he's impossible to reason with! I keep telling him that I'm not trying to knock his earning power or anything...I just want to make sure we have enough money for all of the stuff we want to do as well as need to do. I mean my earnings as a babysitter are like 1/10 of what he makes...But it's still something above and beyond what we can save from his pay. I don't know...I'm hoping he gets used to it after a while. He often reacts badly to change.

I was under the impression your job was partially a way to keep you occupied through the day?

He's an ass?

He doesn't like other people's kids, I take it. When he's home, take them to the park or somewhere else, maybe.

A man likes his home to be his, not overrun with other people's kids even if you control them well...it makes him feel invaded. Or, at least that's what I suspect is the problem.

It's true, I think that does bug him.

He's not a bad guy, he can just be difficult at times. He just gets these ideas in his head and then he's impossible to reason with!

There the root of your problem right there. Anytime a woman claims a man is 'impossible to reason with' then we know the truth...

No, I really just want to make money.

There the root of your problem right there. Anytime a woman claims a man is 'impossible to reason with' then we know the truth...
Sexist, sexist reasoned out only like a man would.:P

Yet another negative by-product of feminism. You've been brainwashed since a little girl of the bogus message that you aren't "doing anything" unless you have a career/job. So keeping up a nice, serene and stable house isn't "contributing"? Raising your daughter to the best of your ability isn't "contributing"? Trying to keep your husband sane, and giving him a nice haven to wind down after a hard day's work isn't "contributing"?

His "problem" is that if he has to bump into these kids for even 5 minutes it is a MAJOR annoyance. I totally get it. They are not HIS kids, he doesn't understand a need for the money (and lets face it, we are probably talking about less than $50 a day here...not exactly life altering money) and every little nuance about these brats is like a thorn in his side.

Even if he doesn't ever see them, it is STILL taking a toll on his household/marriage. There is no way you can tell us you have the same energy level now, as you did before you decided to babysit. So who knows, maybe its a handjob a week he is missing out on because you are too tired. Or you are just throwing hotdogs at him for dinner, instead of pork chops with all of the trimmings.....because the other kids made you fall behind. Or you couldn't get to that one load of wash an now HE is doing it instead of falling in his chair to watch the ballgame, all because the other kids had you tied up.

I guess at this point you have to weigh exactly how much $$$$ you are bringing in and what "use" you are getting out of that extra cash. Compare that to the added chaos in the house, along with your energy and stress level, his angst, and these arguments you are getting into with him. Is it really "worth" it?

And most importantly....is your "contribution" REALLY bettering your household or just bringing it down? My bet is, if you really analyze this situation deeply without your own personal bias you'll see that the only thing being helped here is your own self esteem and ego, and the bigger picture of your whole family is what is suffering because of it.

Many guys are like this with children and their wife having a job. I don't understand it, so I've asked many people to explain it to me over the years.

He thinks that your efforts will make his efforts appear worth less. Those words will never come up, but that's what all the bluster and unintentional insults actually mean. He's insecure over how he'll look in his daughter's eyes.

Also, I'm sure that having kids around is a nuisance to him. He would much rather have you focused on him, or on your daughter. Guys can be immature like that on a regular basis, as if you didn't know. It always surprises me that guys can be jealous of children.

Stressing the fact that you're doing it for the money is a bit cold. You're basically telling him that you don't think he can handle supporting the family. But that all depends on your approach to talking to him about it.

Personally, I think that contributing is a good thing; there are a million ways to contribute in a marriage outside of monetary means. I'm sure he's worried that all the great things you contribute will be thrown to the wind in order to focus on money and these new children.

I'm really trying to look at it from his perspective.

I still cant understand why he'd be so fucking rude to you, saying shit like 'worthless'.
But I could imagine he might be a bit..scared?

Scared that you might have secret plans to leave. Or perhaps he's scared that you've some sort of power now.
Perhaps he's scared that now you're less reliant on him you wont love him so much because you dont need him so much?



I dunno, I guess you could sit on his lap and tell him that nothings changed, that you dont love or repsect him any less and all that trite men love to beleive.



I'd also reccomend lying about how much you earn.

Many guys are like this with children and their wife having a job. I don't understand it, so I've asked many people to explain it to me over the years.

He thinks that your efforts will make his efforts appear worth less. Those words will never come up, but that's what all the bluster and unintentional insults actually mean. He's insecure over how he'll look in his daughter's eyes.

Also, I'm sure that having kids around is a nuisance to him. He would much rather have you focused on him, or on your daughter. Guys can be immature like that on a regular basis, as if you didn't know. It always surprises me that guys can be jealous of children.


I just gotta ask......is your little theory here something that was actually told to you by the men in the scenarios you described, and this is legitimately how they feel? Or is this just some psycho babble from a Dr. Phil show (or something similar).... as some outlandish "explanation" trying to read more into what it really is?

I just gotta ask......is your little theory here something that was actually told to you by the men in the scenarios you described, and this is legitimately how they feel? Or is this just some psycho babble from a Dr. Phil show (or something similar).... as some outlandish "explanation" trying to read more into what it really is?

Explained to me by a wide variety of men in many different situations. There's no theory involved, it's just what I've been told. Personally, I don't understand the attitudes involved.

I don't watch that sort of TV.

Explained to me by a wide variety of men in many different situations.

I don't watch that sort of TV.

So a man said to you outright......"I feel threatened by other children, and it makes me feel like less of a person/contributor to my household." ???????

If so, I find it quite astounding that a man would so willingly open up about a weakness/fear about such an innocuous situation.

I know service men are touchy about what their wives do. Ie its fine for you take a course in flower arranging but not earn money in a job beneath his pay grade.

My dad was never like that.

So a man said to you outright......"I feel threatened by other children, and it makes me feel like less of a person/contributor to my household." ???????

If so, I find it quite astounding that a man would so willingly open up about a weakness/fear about such an innocuous situation.

Lots of people are quite open, if you're willing to ask questions. When someone has something on their mind, they usually want to talk about it and resist.

You'll notice that I didn't use the word "threatened" and I didn't use the phrase "feel like less of a person/contributor to my household". Why didn't I word it that way? Because that's not the way anybody worded it.

Lots of people are quite open, if you're willing to ask questions. When someone has something on their mind, they usually want to talk about it and resist.

You'll notice that I didn't use the word "threatened" and I didn't use the phrase "feel like less of a person/contributor to my household". Why didn't I word it that way? Because that's not the way anybody worded it.


Yet here are your own words in your first response on this thread....

"Many guys are like this with children and their wife having a job. I don't understand it, so I've asked many people to explain it to me over the years.

He thinks that your efforts will make his efforts appear worth less. Those words will never come up, but that's what all the bluster and unintentional insults actually mean. He's insecure over how he'll look in his daughter's eyes."

So which is it? Did those words actually come up in conversation with you, or was it just your interpretation of something else they said?

Xiao, I know you can't stand me and will probably ignore my views on this....but really and truly think of how men USUALLY converse and act. Do they usually talk in parables, have hidden agendas, and beat around the bush when discussing things? Or do they just tell you how it is from their perspective most of the time?

You can ignore my advice and listen to everyone else about all the hidden meanings of his actions and words. But I'd be willing to bet a month's salary that all this merely is....is EXACTLY what he is telling you. When you guys are arguing, are you hearing from HIS lips about "fears, insecurity, being a prick" blah, blah, fucking blah? Just listen to what his complaints are, and don't try to play Freud and interpret something that isn't there.

I'd be willing to bet if you were honest, most of his complaints are very similar or at least in the ballpark of what I originally discussed in my first post in this thread. I realize you'd hate to ever admit that I'm right, but seriously girl.....all this psycho babble is just minimizing what the real message is. And that is EXACTLY what he is telling you or complaining about.

Edit: Go ahead Xiao, have him read this thread....and ask him which poster is closest to his line of thinking. I dare ya to.

Yes, that's the jist of what people have had to say on the subject. I'm not quoting, but I'm not adding things in to make it sound better.

I don't disagree with what you said, my posts are in complete agreement. If you were to cut out the examples and your personal attitudes on feminism and brainwashing, we're saying the same thing.

The difference is that you think she should stop and I think she should make her own choice on the matter after getting some extra input.

I'm making about $500 per month and I'm saving it for my daughter's braces and for her college education. Her orthodontist told me that her teeth are EXTREMELY crowded and that within the next two years she will need about $6000 worth of treatments and this is BEFORE she ever even gets braces! My teeth were the same way and I know that my parents ended up paying around $20,000 for my smile and that was like 12 years ago so prices have only gone up. My husband makes a good living, but if we paid for her teeth, our IRAs ($8,000 per year until 2015) and her college fund(2,000 per year) out of his pay...We'd have nothing left for our personal savings! I'll make about $6,000 per year doing this and that's $6,000 more we don't have to spend out of his pay!

It's very important to me for my daughter to have all of the opportunities that I was lucky enough to have. Despite my bad relationship with my parents, one thing I never had to hear growing up was, "We don't have enough money."

And I don't see how he could be threatened by a mere $500 per month...He makes over $5,000 per month!

Where did I say she should stop? Its funny you got that out of my posts. All I've said to her is to try to weigh the money she is making vs. the chaos she has brought to her house coupled with her husband's stress level. And the ONLY reason I even posted on this thread was after witnessing multiple people coming up with all of these pseudo psychological reasons trying to put more of a "reason" why the man is annoyed that the dynamic of his household has been altered for a relative pittance amount of money.

Here again you have read something more into what someone is saying. I guess you believing I said she should "stop babysitting" is similar to how well you listen to other folks IRL, and then come to us with your report of how those people are "really meaning this or that" even though those never words cross their lips? Thanks for the clarity.

He isn't "threatened" by your income, just annoyed at the environment you have turned your house into. Again, what is he TELLING YOU in the heat of the moment during these arguments? That is his problem, not these other theories.

Have you told your daughter why you're working this job?

Where did I say she should stop? Its funny you got that out of my posts. All I've said to her is to try to weigh the money she is making vs. the chaos she has brought to her house coupled with her husband's stress level. And the ONLY reason I even posted on this thread was after witnessing multiple people coming up with all of these pseudo psychological reasons trying to put more of a "reason" why the man is annoyed that the dynamic of his household has been altered for a relative pittance amount of money.

Here again you have read something more into what someone is saying. I guess you believing I said she should "stop babysitting" is similar to how well you listen to other folks IRL, and then come to us with your report of how those people are "really meaning this or that" even though those never words cross their lips? Thanks for the clarity.

I can't control your disbelief, so enjoy it.

Your thoughts are all aimed towards her efforts being a waste. That she would be better off focusing on serving her husband and raising her daughter. Your post is an arguement against her choice to work. Try reading it.

I can't control your disbelief, so enjoy it.

Your thoughts are all aimed towards her efforts being a waste. That she would be better off focusing on serving her husband and raising her daughter. Your post is an arguement against her choice to work. Try reading it.

hmm I didn't take that out of what he said. But I'll say it clearly: She would be better off serving her husband and raising her daughter.

But I'm just a sexist pig.

I mean I still do all of the stuff I used to do before...The only difference is that on the days I watch the twins, I cook dinner in the crock pot and I try to get all my cleaning done in the morning. I don't ask him to help me clean or anything.

I can't control your disbelief, so enjoy it.

Your thoughts are all aimed towards her efforts being a waste. That she would be better off focusing on serving her husband and raising her daughter. Your post is an arguement against her choice to work. Try reading it.

ROFLMFAO! Yeah suuuurrrreeeeeeee....that is what I said.

No Euda, what I MEANT is exactly what the words were that I typed. No hidden meaning, or other mystery behind it. I'm all for women working, and don't think they should just be subserviant twits waiting on men hand and foot.

The whole purpose to my posting on this thread was to give a guy's perspective that is also married with kids and fully understands these kind of situations and how they can get blown out of proportion. Now while many posters just wanted to stroke Xiao's emotions and validate why "she is right and hubby is wrong"..... whereas I was trying to cut through all the "interpretations" of what he has said and is doing, and just calling a spade a spade. Now granted, it may not be what she or her friend's wanted to here.....but I still maintain if she listened to the simplicity of his angst (what he IS saying), instead of trying to read more into it or seek validation to be proven "right"...... this whole thing could be worked out in a constructive manner.

The only thing I've seen hubby do "wrong" in this scenario is his comments about it being "worthless". But I've been there before, and totally understand his frustration. Chances are this is NOT how he thinks of Xiao, but just something that slipped out in the heat of the moment when his nerves were frazzled because of all of this chaos. Hell, I've said worse to my wife then that. AND, I've seen how things said in haste can be completely twisted to mean something else. But we talked about it, got past it, and are trying our best to live in harmony. This isn't a battle between me vs. her, nor does it matter who is "right".

I guess it all boils down to whats more important....Xiao being "right" and having her friends validate her stance on this topic......or peace, tranquility, and happiness in her household?

Of course.

First of all, those kids don't create chaos in my house. I know how to handle a couple of babies and they hardly cry at all! They can't walk or crawl yet or anything, so they just kind of hang out and make baby noises at each other. The only time it gets tough is when they both are hungry and need to be changed, but even then it's not THAT bad and I deal with it.

I didn't post this for "validation" or to be "right." I posted this to get other people's advice and opinions and yes to rant a little.

That is not always a bad thing for a child to know or to hear.

I don't mean we buy her any toy she wants.:P I just know a lot of people (my husband included) who never got their teeth fixed and who never had music lessons or went to girl scouts or got to do anything, because their families didn't have enough money. I'm not looking down on poor people...I just want my daughter to have the best life possible.

Which is what I did, post an opinion that just happened to be contrary to everyone else that was "interpretting" his actions.

Maybe to add some clarity to this, and give us a better understanding of what he ACTUALLY is saying.....what ARE his complaints?

He hates the mother of the kids (she's actually very nice and he's spoken to her ONCE.)

He thinks the kids are brats and that they disrupt our schedule.

He thinks I'm not getting paid enough for the amount of work I'm doing.

He thinks we don't need the money.

I didn't see where you addressed this question. Was it a mutual decision for you to take on this work?
I just decided to do it.

So pretty much basically everything I've been describing in this whole thread. I think what the problem is at this point is what happens in most marriages, and is the backbone to many of the disputes.....

Women are emotional creatures that often act on emotion to satiate whatever need they have or think their family has. Its all over this thread. You discuss about wanting to "contribute". You talk about wanting to "provide" things for your daughter. Your foundation for wanting to do all these things are admirable, but again its mostly backed by emotion.

Men on the other hand usually act out of logic or reason. He is witnessing finite evidence of the changes/hassles in his household and questioning the "reward" in all of this chaos.

And that is where the problem lies. Two people coming to the table with two separate stances.......emotion vs. logic. Again, neither of you are "wrong"......and if you look past the details of most arguments between spouses, foundationally it usually goes right to this aspect.

I just decided to do it.

and he's the one who won't listen to reason?

I rest my case.

He doesn't ask my "permission" before making changes in his job.

Just stop babysitting, I hate kids myself as well. But yea I could not hate my OWN. Doesnt make sense does it? But its true.

Kids are just annoying. Just get rid of them. Problem solved.

Stop wasting your life seriously...

you get to live for 100 years in a infinity of time continuum and you babysit? What the hell?

Basically, if your baby-sitting for money, STOP.
If your babysitting because you just love kids, Work at a Baby care center. End.

No man would like random kids in his house.

Xiao, your husband is a USAF commissioned officer, right? Why the hell isn't Dental taking care of your daughter's mouth? If I remember right, dependants are given full access to facilities. There might be some co-pays, but you shouldn't be paying tens of thousands of dollars..

I can see why he's upset though. I don't like kids myself, and I'd be upset if I were living with my girlfriend and she was babysitting other's kids at our house.

But, you've made threads before about his obnoxious and over-reactive behavior, so he probably is just being a dick again. It must suck to have to carefully weigh the benefits and risks on everything you do, because one insignificant slip and BAM! Someone freaks for a week.

Why is it wrong to try to think of a reason that Xiaos husband may have a reason to be pisssed?

Would it not be even worse to assume he was getting all assholish about the issue 'just cause' ?

I don't know who you were replying to, but it isn't wrong to think of a reason. It could be a multitude of anything, the board is just brainstorming and consoling Xiao.

We all know of her husband's knee-jerk nature though. It could just be nothing.

I don't know who you were replying to, but it isn't wrong to think of a reason. It could be a multitude of anything, the board is just brainstorming and consoling Xiao.

We all know of her husband's knee-jerk nature though. It could just be nothing.

Nah I was more refering to people previous in the thread.

Xiao, do you really relish the thought of having to tread on thin ice and do absolutely EVERYTHING he says and demands for the rest of your life?

Well he changed his job and as a consequence we moved from California to Georgia! I was okay with it, though, because he was changing jobs to something he liked better. And I didn't mean I just one day had strange kids at the house!:P I told him I wanted to start babysitting and he didn't seem to have a problerm with it until I actually started working./shrug

Sorry, I don't mean to be difficult.:P

I mean he just doesn't really tell me what he's doing with his job...We'll talk about plans for the future, but he ultimately decides what he's going to do.

We didn't know the family before I started babysitting for them. All I knew is that it would be twin boys and that the mother was in the air force, but not in his chain of command. Since she's enlisted, I couldn't babysit for her if she was in the same unit as him.

To be honest, I kind of like talking to her. She and I are close to the same age and she's not all caught up in the military caste system. Most of the women I know identify themselves by their husband's rank and they are EXTREMELY competetive. Heh, babysitting for those kids gives me a great excuse to avoid my meddlesome neighbors!:P

My husband doesn't understand how refreshing it is for me to have my own job...However small it is. It makes me feel more capable in other areas of my life. Like I get everything done before they come over, so the rest of the day is less stressful and I feel like I'm really keeping on top of things. It's hard to explain, but before I always felt scattered and off track, but now I feel more focused and like everything fits better. And best of all the days they don't come seem so easy and free!:P

Seeing my parents and those of my friends and neighbors go through this, I'll sum up my theory:

Since he didn't have a say or really know about this change, which is obviously pretty big to him and you, he feels his role and connection to you is lessened, you're moving away by starting and doing your own thing. He's compromised as both the head of household (these kids 'invading it' without his approval or knowledge) and as a husband to you since you went and made this decision on your own instead of as a unit. You undermined him in a few ways and his disapproval now is his retaliation to it.

If she lives near by would it solve the problem if you babysat at thier home?

I identify myself by what I do or don't do. I mean, I'm proud of my husband...He's very brave and he has a dangerous, exciting job, but it's him and not me who's doing it. I define myself by being the best I can at what I do. Those women are all just these...Harpies who compete with each other using their husbands and children. I'm more than just "The major's" wife, you know?

And the class starts in September!

I have explained it to him...But he doesn't get it.