When I was eight, my little brother fell 25 feet onto concrete, leaving him paralyzed and unable to speak at only five years old. I always kind of blamed myself for it. My cousins wanted to play hide and seek, but I didn't want to. I didn't say anything and played regardless. After 2 minutes I decided to give up and walked back upstairs again. I saw my brother hiding behind the curtain and didn't think anything of it. I went into the room beside and told my cousin I didn't want to play anymore. We heard a scream. My brother had leaned back against the window and it flew open, causing him to fall 4 stories onto concrete. I always thought that had I just spoke up or told my brother to move when I seen him, he'd still be alright.

After this, I began to eat a lot as a way of coping, and got very fat. I was also the smartest person in my school. This combination left me getting bullied a lot in school. I became rather violent and would get into a lot of fights.

High school came along, and we were forced to play rugby in the first year. I played it, and turned out to be rather good. Within a few years of playing, I had lost most of the fat I gained in my youth.

When I was 14 my brother took a turn for the worse. I was woken up by my dad one night, telling me to come say goodbye to my brother. I had not been told that he was getting sicker, but there and then I was told that he wasn't going to make it through the night. My big brother, my parents and I all gave a final goodbye to my little brother, one by one. My dad then took us downstairs, and said "we wanted to tell you since his accident that he wouldn't live a long life, but we couldn't do it." It was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. Seeing my dad cry, and knowing my brother was dying tore me apart emotionally. The whole night is implanted into my head and makes me cry every time I think about it. The worst thing was, my brother thankfully somehow survived the night, but we had to go through saying goodbye again the next day. My dad said that night, crying once again, “Don’t put yourself through all this pain just for us, please. If it hurts too much to hold on then don’t do it just for us.” Both nights I cried myself to sleep. Somehow, my brother survived and still lives to this day.

All of this happening in my youth screwed me up somewhat. In dealing with the accident, I missed out on all of the social interaction with members of the opposite sex. I had a handful of friends, but I would never tell them my thoughts or secrets. In fact, I’ve never trusted anyone with my thoughts or feelings. By my third year in high school, I had become popular through rugby. I wasn’t like the other players – I was kind, polite and had a child-like nature about me. My friends said I was ‘like a little kid’.

Just as I felt I was finally happy, my mum and aunt developed cancer within 2 weeks of each other. My mum was the one that looked after my disabled little brother, so we all had to step up and help where we could. One of my best friends had an abortion a month later. Another one of my best friends then took a terrible bout of sickness and had to stay at home for months and was always crying, so I visited her nearly every day.

All of this happening so close together really shook me up. My confidence took a complete hit. I haven’t told anyone this entire story before. I’ve told different parts to different people, and they all just feel sorry for me or tip toe over everything they say to me. I don’t want pity, I want friendship.

The girl that had the abortion began to get very hostile with me lately, but I kept forgiving her until she said to me two weeks ago, out of the blue, “You’re shit now. All of your friends have talked about it, and they don’t even like you.” She hasn’t spoken to me since. I thought she was just angry and making stuff up, but recently it seems like people have been talking to me less, being a little ruder towards me and generally acting different. My big brother is moving out of the house and my friends seem to be getting further away from me. To be honest, I don’t recall ever feeling so alone and confused. I don’t even know if I’m imagining it or if everyone really is leaving me.

This probably doesn’t even make much sense to anyone. I needed to let out what was on my mind. It’s all been piling up in my head and I feel ready to explode. Does anyone have any advice?

china is on line 2. they want their wall back

I don't know hot to say this in english. Perhaps some could translate. But for me, Er kommt vom Hundertsten ins Tausendste.

edit: Perhaps we are just supposed to read. I read.

That sucks. A lot.

It isn't your fault.

Perhaps you should consider therapy. Therapy isn't just for crazies (I want to be a psychologist so maybe that can be my slogan)

You pretty much need to start over in my opinion and if you can't do that, fall in love, it will numb the pain for a while.

The Lord God himself doesn't intend to judge us til the very End Of Time. Don't condemn yourself before he does.

stop giving him false hope

...wow...

I'd seriously reccomend talking to a therapist.

I dont even know what else to say...

You will make real friends as you get older. You may go through some lonely years, it's true.

And really, wouldnt you rather know as you do that your friends dont really like you than carry on oblivious to the fact like a little fool?

As for your disabled brother, regardless of his quality of life you need to live yours.
Are you scared of him dying? ..or living?


Email me sometime, if you like. I cant help and wont try, but you sound pretty cool and like someone I'd be interested in talking to.

Why do you expect people to let you get close to them if you don't let them get close to you?

I don't know how to say this in english. Perhaps some could translate. But for me, Er kommt vom Hundertsten ins Tausendste.

Translation:
'Comes of the hundredth in the thousandth.'

You're doing extremely well from what I can tell mate. That is a shit load of grief to deal with and, unlike many people in such a terrible situation, you've taken a path of productivity i.e. lowering the eating and taking part in sport, keeping fit, looking after sick family etc.

First off, I wouldn't say that it's your fault your brother is in his state now. I'm not going to ellaborate. Just accept it.

Don't worry about the people being rude, not talking to you or whatever. That's life mate.

You'll have friends here mate as long as you don't talk shit like so many of the other n00bs.

Keep your chin up buddy and you'll be okay.

Welcome to TOTSE.

I read all of that...
Sorry to hear it.

But life is ups and down, last year all my friends were distancing themselfs from me and I got incredibly depressed about everything.
Then I found these selfhelp sites on the web (which all say the same thing basically, 'go out and talk to people, practice makes perfect') and now life is returning to normal.
Theres no quickfix but I feel my social skills are slowly improving.

Youll be fine dude...no, really, you will be fine.

*sighhhh*

Look dude, life throws fastballs at you. The best thing to do is to roll with it. Sure you've got some pretty nasty problems, but if you let them get to you than you're no better than a no good bitch. Pick your head up and go volunteer. Take your anger, your pain, your frustration and do something good with it. Is all this sitting on your thumbs helping you? C'mon, man, you can do better.

I reccomend you get a hobby.

No matter how lame or silly it is to other people, if it makes you happy and keeps you busy,distracts you from crap and keeps you sane, then it's worth it.

I know people laugh at me for my guinea pig obsession, but really, I've got ten guinea pigs, and they keep me so busy and distracted I realise I've been..living. Without bitching about it, or finding that it's dragging.
Also, staying alive so I can earn enough money to feed the little fuckers is a great motivation.

What do you enjoy apart from rugby? Can you not take that to a professional level?

Your guinea pigs are fucking adorable.

What I am about to write may not be the correct thing to say to someone in your situation, but its something I believe is important to realize when life is against you.

This might be the least tactful way possible to make the point, but:

The last handful of words here basically express what I want to say. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoIH3E0KEjI)

'...be an island, you are born alone, you damn sure die alone...'

Seriously. Don't ever expect to lean on anyone, because at any point, for whatever reason, they could no longer be there to lean on. The only person you can trust to always be there for you is you, so learn to rely on, and only on, yourself.

Your friends leaving or hating you is fucking shitty, but regardless, just keep trucking. To be dead honest, you didn't need them anyway. You have seen more of 'life' than any of they have, and if anything, they should need you. Don't hate them if they abandon you, don't miss them, don't chase after them. If they choose to go, let them go. If all else fails, be a loner, at least until you meet some better people.

I find that some people in life are just better, as people, than others. And I don't mean they put volunteer time in for charities. They are just more 'real'. They have seen more of life (you certainly have), they are more mature, they appreciate things and they learn to think with their heads. If your friends are going to abandon you that easily, they are not one of these 'real' people. You don't need them.