I suffer from anxiety issues.......the first time i EVER had sex i couldnt keep it up.


a 16 yr old with erection problems....NOW THAT SUCKED

my first time, bitch sucks my cock right up to exploding point, i thought i would cum there and then.

She fucking jumps on me, and I lasted like, 2 seconds..fucking bitch, that really made me wanna donkey punch her in the back of the head everyone was like "so, he's a crap shag?"

..didn't give me a second chance or anything, she just expected me to not cum at all

whore

Well, I fucked someone with one of my friends in the room. I didn't know about that...

I, ah, fucked a girl in my car once and got a standing ovation as I was getting out.

Yeah, I'll tell that story:

We were out and about and looking for a place to fuck. I was driving my car around downtown and finally I decided I had to do something. So, I parked in an empty parking lot and pulled down her panties. I remember her saying "Here? Are you serious?" Well, I was serious and soon we were fucking. Her chair was leaned way back and I was fucking her for the fifteen minute powerride.

So, we finish and get out of the car. There is about twenty people staring at my car.

"Oh, shit." She says, clutching onto my arm. Then, it happened. One person in the crowd started to clap. Soon, everyone was clapping and I just kept my stride, picked my head up and walked to the town coffee shop for a cup o' joe.

I got handcuffed once and the bitch wouldnt take them off. I was like seriously...fuck off I'm not playing I hate handcuffs, (I punched a security guard who tried to put me in them once) . She clearly did not care. When she startedd riding me I started enjoying it until I realized the cuffs were sticky. Then my mind started wandering to what could have made them sticky (Jam evidently) but it being red I was thinking blood. Anyways, afterwords I told her I should chain her to the rack for what she just did.

Karma paid her a visit though a little while later.

"Oh, shit." She says, clutching onto my arm. Then, it happened. One person in the crowd started to clap. Soon, everyone was clapping and I just kept my stride, picked my head up and walked to the town coffee shop for a cup o' joe.

Hahaha, awesome. +Rep to you.

you sir... are a better man than i

I came too early. 3 times in one night. First two times during forplay and the final time doing it. I kinda felt like the American pie kid.

first time i took it up the A...we had been having sex 'regularly' and then he switched and all the air in my pussy got pushed out and made a terrible fart noise...really disrupted the mood. oh and the first time i got banged we got walked in on, that royally sucked.

first time i went to go finger a girl, im 50% sure i put it in her butt. :)

same thing happened to me to. theres no way you can swing that situation into somthing good...

Common.

Not being able to take a bra off sucks.

Not being able to take a bra off sucks.

Why were you wearing one?

:P

So, we finish and get out of the car. There is about twenty people staring at my car.

"Oh, shit." She says, clutching onto my arm. Then, it happened. One person in the crowd started to clap. Soon, everyone was clapping and I just kept my stride, picked my head up and walked to the town coffee shop for a cup o' joe.

You are a liar.

Common.

Not being able to take a bra off sucks.

Go buy one, or use your mom's/sister's etc. if you're comfortable with that. Put it on a pillow and take 10 minutes to learn how to take it off. You'll never have a problem again.

Common.

Not being able to take a bra off sucks.


Use a machete.

You are a liar.

I'm guessing you're saying this because you don't have any good experiences, huh?

Common.

Not being able to take a bra off sucks.

lol, that reminds me of when I was at a party and my friend who was in a drunken state said "HA! Joe (me) wouldn't know how to take a bra off in one go!"

and I retorted with "watch, prick"

and I went up to a rather easy looking girl, the one who wouldn't give a fuck and I did it. I actually pinched the connecting thingies on the back of the bra and undid it.
I told her and she was like "liar", and continued suckling on her WKD

...so she left it, until someone pulled her top down

they were some gnarly boobies, i'll tell you that

Okay, this one time I was at this party, blitzed as shit, then this drunk bitch started rubbing on me, so we started making out, then we go to fuck, and we are sitting there, banging away (this is when the power was off cuz dude got drugs instead of paying the power bill), and then her purse tips over, so me (being drunk), picks up her wallet and looks for money and am like "Damn slut, I fuck you AND get payed!!", and then the light from my bic runs across her ID, and I realize she was my COUSIN!

I pull the lighter down, and look at her face, and sure enough!

I'm like "HOLY SHIT, YOUR MY COUSIN!!!", and she was like "Nu uh!" and I light my face, and all of the sudden she has the biggest orgasm ever....

Then I cum.....

Then she is like "NO one needs to know about this... I'll reward you if you want..... You weren't half bad ;)"

Then a few weeks later, find out shes pregnant, and I'm like "Damnit...."

Cousinfucker.

That is the biggest troll peice of shit story I have ever read. Hmmm I'd post my storys but they would sound to much like they were out of movies..... Man my life is fucked up.

Let's just say it involved period blood and my fingers.
And being seen by someone at my college when my girl and i were in the toilets together.

What's the moral of the story?
neglecting your power bills lead to incest

Mehh, first night I spent with this girl, she'd never eaten a girl out before. And she was really nervous about it, and I was like, "If you don't want to do it, don't" but she tried anyway.
Or, somewhat tried.
She got down there, my pants and underwear are off and all, and she sits there.
Head in my crotch, just... sits there!
Too scared to do it.

well I make this goofy noise with my mouth, and during a 'make out session' [jackketch]... I made a fart noise, almost as if I was a lil kid doing it with his hands

wasn't that great.. but the girl was cool about it, and nothing bad happened








this isn't really sexual, but it was during me trying to get into her pants period.. the girls parents were right there, and it was after watching a movie with her all night, I think she wanted a kiss goodbye but.. I was like 'fuck it' and gave her a high five

my friends never let me live it down, therefore it's embarassing but funny

HAHAHAHAHHA High five! I'm gonna do that after sex. Fuck it after everything I do.

Queefs.
I thought it was hilarious, the chick thought it was embarassing as fuck.

The elevators at my university have no stop buttons... The door opened and there we are, my pants around my ankles, her bent over with her skirt up. I look up and of all the freaking people in the world, it's one of my lecturers. She looked very confused for a moment then crapped herself laughing. we stood there without moving until the doors closed. I pressed the button for the ground floor, we got dressed while it descended and bailed.

Every time I go to that lecture now I get a very amused look.

LOL

But I'm 'evil'. If I had been your lecturer i would have calmly enquired " Mr Kyoki , might I ask when that assignment on the 'tonal nasal qualities in 13 century bohemian literature will be handed in?"

Y'know? Make you squirm a bit?

LOL

But I'm 'evil'. If I had been your lecturer i would have calmly enquired " Mr Kyoki , might I ask when that assignment on the 'tonal nasal qualities in 13 century bohemian literature will be handed in?"

Y'know? Make you squirm a bit?

Haha, thankfully this lecturer is pretty cool. She never says anything, but you can tell she's struggling not to laugh occasionally. She definitely knows me by sight, as I'm one of two people, in a class of 80 or so, willing to argue against her (something she's in favour of), but I don't think she knows my name.

Funny that you picked "tonal nasal qualities", I'm doing linguistics lol.

Oh man, I have so many.. My life is like a fucking movie- I'm writing a book, so you'll all know soon enough..

Bar none, my most awkward sexual situation came at a bit of a transitional point in my life.. It was just before I left for the Air Force, I was working at a pool as a lifeguard. Well, I lived in a small mountain town, full of bored housewives. They bring their kids to the pool, I seduce, I bang.

They were all easy- don't get that confused, the problem lies in that these three ladies all regularly converse with my parents. Like come over and shit.

The day before I left for the Air Force, we had a party, and all three of them were invited. Can you imagine three horny housewives trying to grab your ass when your parents are RIGHT THERE, and none of them know about the other? Man that was a fucked up situation..

Sorry if it wasn't as interesting as I made it sound- I'll think about this topic more and come back with something a bit more entertaining..

~Saint947

I've had a couple times I couldn't get up (while 17/18 mind you). Hell, I was getting head from this girl I'd just started dating who I really liked and lost wood while she was sucking me. Then another time I was fucking the same girl while she's on her period, in the den downstairs. We're going for like 25 minutes, when her mom opens the door and I just rear back onto my knees and like freeze. I guess I was hoping she was like a t rex and if i was really really still she wouldn't see me. She had a conversation with my girlfriend while I'm just kind of kneeling there, and she doesn't even look at me. Her mom thinks I'm the first person that fucked her, too.

The worst is coming in like 2 minutes, all can say is like "uhh, sorry?"

I remember this girl in my p.e class got out of the pool and was acting all hot when we realized there was some red dripping down her leg. My pwn really though, cuz I had to swim in it *throws up*

Well this one time I was having sex with Dakota Fanning. All the sudden I looked to my right and there he is. Tim Hanson with Dateline NBA. He says, "You wanna tell me what your doing here?".

This is more of a prank than anything else, but I figure it was kind of embarrasing. My friend's little brother took some NyQuil and he fell asleep at the computer with his hands in his pants. We just put itching powder made from insulation in his undies a few hours earlier and he got out of the shower half an hour before. He was doing his homework, but we decided to switch the screen to fat chick porn so when his parents came home, we started giggling.

His mom started asking what is going on while his dad went to the computer room to hang up his coat. He burst out laughing at his son and the kid woke up and started crying when he saw the screen. It was hilarious. I wish I had taken a picture.

thats fucking priceless

Well, both of my REALLY shitty ones happened when I was drunk...so it's forgivable.

1) I made out like mad with this fat chick but didn't sex her cuz we were in public, and she was emo too :(

2) I was masturbating and the dog walked into the room, I was so close I didn't want to stop so I just finished but the dog ran over and started licking my dick, I was like "arghhhhhh f'ing dumbass dog!" It was really a bad thing :(.

Don't wanna spend too much time explaining, so...


I accidentally shit on her chest.

While tittyfucking.

Yeah...:(

[S_E]

i guess i have been lucky with the fact that i havent had any embarassing sex stories...the only one was losing my virginity...couldnt stay that hard and took me three hours to go...poor girl...when i dropped her off she couldnt even walk.

Man that's gold. I wish I was there. Afterwords were you like, "you wanted a steamer right? Cuz that's what I heard....No, well make up your mind" and play it off.

You, sir, are now obligated to explain how your shit ended up on her chest.

As for me, my only embarrassing story involves drunken/stoned sex. I was laying with my current girlfriend (before she had even broken up with her boyfriend of a year and a half, no less) and my friend Bundy had passed out in the bed next to us, drunk as hell. Well we get to fucking and she um.. well, she starts screaming and riding me really hard, however I was so into it I didn't realize Bundy was right freaking there. Only in the morning did it occur to me that he was snoring before the sex broke out, but not afterwards.

lucky bugger, for me it was like, 10 seconds lol

i wanted to kill myself, but it was her fault, as explained previously

Didn't go to the bathroom before a sexpartner of mine performed fellatio on me. She insisted that I should come in her mouth, and I thought that was cool as usual. But when I did come she kept my cock in her mouth, and the thrilling feeling of rubbing your head after ejaculation made me pee... yup...in her mouth. Not much though, and it prolly didn't smell/taste anything, but still a frightening experience. ^^
We still have great sex on a regular basis though, we never talk about what happened... only a lot of laughing. hehe

Farting during sex is also embarassing...

We're going for like 25 minutes, when her mom opens the door and I just rear back onto my knees and like freeze. I guess I was hoping she was like a t-rex and if i was really really still she wouldn't see me.

Hahahahhaah oh jesus that's funny

I like the way that guy up there fucked up Chris Hansen's name.

69 with me on top.

I dripped on his nose and he inhaled it and started choking.

i love this thread

i love this thread

Well, this thread loves you.

butt

(bring up this thread), better than bump

69ing in the backseat of his car, and I had a cold - so my nose started to run; thick, green boogers. I wiped my nose with my freehand, and rubbed the snot all over his balls. He didn't notice a thing, but then I queefed in his face. :(

Good for you girl.

Good for you girl.

I lul'd heartily.

Good thread, got quite a few laughs out of it.

ditto! :D

Well since I havent posted in this topic since post #1, I feel the need to add another story.

I had gotten kicked out of my house and I had nowhere to stay. I live in a rather rural setting with only 3 cops on duty at any given time. So I thought it wouldn't be too risky to camp out in an abandoned house. So I drop my duffelbag in this house and then hitchike to town.

In town I accidentally let it slip that I'm staying in an abandoned house to one of my friends... he tells a few other people and I suddenly have a crowd of people following me home.

that night about 7 people stayed in the house only 2 of which actually slept

2nd night there were a couple more people there, we were getting pretty established in this house. we had actually cleaned it up pretty good, chopped up a closet door into firewood, and were heating the house up with the wood stove.

but we had no smokes. so me and one of my friends decide to go for a "walk"

we got about a mile away from the abandoned house and start carshopping... in hopes of finding cigarettes. we find a cigar in a car, it also had it's keys in it. So we shift the car into neutral and roll it back out of the driveway and 50 meters away from it. Start it up and decide that we're gonna rob a convenience store. So we do that. and ditch/wipe down the car. and walk back to the house with 120 packs of smokes.

we were praised as kings when we got back and emptied the backpacks out on the coffee table.

and then I went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of people chopping wood. everybody was drunk... but we had no alcohol. So I suspected people of getting into my benzo stash. but that was untouched. It seems that after I fell asleep a few guys went out and knocked over the liquor store. So I got drunk too. and it was great to be able to smoke as much as I wanted without having to worry about running out.

we all just sat around the house that day, bullshitting, drinking, smoking, coking, etc, etc.

then at around 7 that night about 15 more people showed up. a few of the chicks were smoking hot. so we got everybody drunk, and that's all i remember up until I woke up to find 2 cops going through my pockets, I say "what are you doing?" and they say "well if it isn't sleeping beauty, stand up *name disclosed* you're under arrest" so i look under the blankets and realize...i'm naked, but not completely... I'm still wearing a rubber. then the cops say "you too naomi"

I look to my left and theres a girl there, the cops knew her.. but I didnt. we were both naked and I haven't seen her since

I'm a funny guy. Sometimes, I make jokes during sex, which make my girlfriend laugh - that sort of laugh which grows and grows and doesn't stop. It's fairly embarrassing, in hindsight, to be fucking a girl and for her to be laughing uncontrollably.

I MUST hear some of these jokes.

One of the first totse threads I ever saw was somebody explain how he diarhead on his girlfriends chest

I've only got one really:

I was fucking my gf, we're both lying on the bed with no covers on. I'm about to shoot off into her when all of a sudden the door swings open and my mate is standing there holding a carton of beer saying something like "Hey mate door was open, and I wanted to know if... <looks at what we're doing> Oh shit, sorry. <He walks out>

I too make jokes.
Sometimes I try to keep fucking her while shes laughing hysterically but I always end up killing myself laughing.

I always get the image in my head of a guy trying to be serious with this serious look on his face who's fucking a girl laughing. Gets me laughing every time.

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!

I look to my left and theres a girl there, the cops knew her.. but I didnt. we were both naked and I haven't seen her since

What happened with the cops?
Why you get kicked out of your house?

hahaha.i have another one! me and my girlfriend were having sex,and i was on top,i got into this weird position where i was pounding the shit out of her,thing was,me and her were on the far side of my bed,when all of a sudden it felt like i tore my achilles tendon! so i roll off of her because of the agonising pain,but i rolled off her onto the wrong side and fell OFF my bed straight onto my back! i had a subwoofer on the ground and i fucking nearly ripped it in half because my hand smakced into it.


that was a little bit of a broken ego on that occasion.

oh,so many times i have been scared i was gonna fart/accidentally piss instead of cum but i have strong muscles.

oh,so many times i have been scared i was gonna fart/accidentally piss instead of cum but i have strong muscles.


:)
El em ay oh.

An ex-gf of mine and I were talking about putting it in the butt, and I successfully persuaded her into doing it.

She had bunk-beds, and she bent over with her hands on the lower bunk-bed and her feet spread on the ground. I got some massage oil (thats all I had) and spread it on her anus. Stuck it and slowly started to move. I was in her ass for about two minutes and I was about to let hell's dogs unleash on her until we hear a car coming down the driveway...

...its her mother. I get pissed off, and I take it out of her ass, but of course something went wrong. I dont know if the oil mixed with her shit and became complete liquid, or she simply had diarrhea, but it went everywhere; down her legs, on the floor, on my penor, soaked into her socks. It was horrible. Plus her mother was walking into the house, and we knew she was gonna come straight to her bedroom because she asked her mom to buy her something when she was out. Needless to say we cleaned up with a towel, and we threw everything into a plastic bag quickly and threw it in the burning pit and burned everything.

Best part was when her mom came into her bedroom, she said..."it really smells like poop in here...is the cat in here?" I lost it after that!

Best part was when her mom came into her bedroom, she said..."it really smells like poop in here...is the cat in here?" I lost it after that!Brilliant! Most people blame it on the dog. That's the first time I've heard of someone blaming it on the cat ;)

But I have to think that a shit covered cock would kind of ruin sex for me for a while...

But I have to think that a shit covered cock would kind of ruin sex for me for a while...

What did God give her a mouth for?

I had a new bed delivered a few weeks ago. I had my old bed out of my room and everything to the sides to allow the delivery men room to manouvre.

As I was showing them into my room, I noticed a smirk on one of their faces. He nods his head towards my TV, and the other guy bursts out laughing.

There, plonked on top of my TV, I saw a pink vibrator and set of furry handcuffs. In hindsite, I should have been more thorough when checking my room as my girlfriend and I had been joking about them seeing certain sights when walking into the room.

hahahhahaah just thinking of the delivery dudes face made me die laughing!!!

this thread gave me mor lawls than the joke thread a few months back

hmm not too many posts on this one, Ill try some but they werent that bad...
a few weekends ago me and my girlfriend were cruising and she was giving me roadhead on a country road and im driving like 12 mph not seeing anyone, so I pass a barn and as i get past it i see a van & truck parked and a man and a woman standing there talking about 5 feet from the road. We all made eye contact and the lady turned away disgusted and the guy was laughing and clapping, kinda funny/creepy but i laughed it off and didnt tell my girlfriend until afterwards.Nothing else really good, except my little brother walked in on her riding me.....she laid down, threw the cover over us and acted like we were cuddling.

I was fornicating missionary style with my lady, and I had a cold or something at the time and I was pretty into sekzing her I didn't realize that a big droplet of snot had just dropped onto her chest. It was rather awkward for a few seconds, but she laughed and I continued fucking her. That's why you have sex with the one you love, so you can laugh at that sort of stuff. -_-

There was this one time the first time i fisted a butthole way back when i kept trying to stick my fist into her butthole but it kepts being slurped back out now ol fisting freddy isnt one to give up so i kept punching and punching eventually i got it in but then i thought how do i get it out? that is how ol fisting freddy ripped his first butthole

I was on my knees on the pillows of the bed, with my man-person-thing making happy sensations to me from behind.
I had my elbows on the window sill, and had my head kinda half way out the window, not making any effort to quiet my pleasure sounds.

It was about ten seconds later that I notice his flat mates - sister and cousin - sitting on the porch steps smoking, about five metres away directly to my right.

They pretended they hadn't heard me. It was so bizarre cause it wasn't really ignorable.

Come to my house, fellow female kiwi.

Okay!
Where you live ho?

I are in the auckland.

I'm new here... and this is pretty much the first thread I read.

I fucking love it here.

Too bad I have no stories... because... I... awkwardly... have never actually... you know.

I...

Alright, somebody's gonna have to pick up the slack... because I... have put myself in a corner with no escape.

because... I... awkwardly... have never actually... you know

You, you, you've never had an embarassing sexual experience?! :o

Yeah, you pretty much just painted a big red sign with an arrow pointing at your forehead saying NEWBIE. I wouldn't have noticed the new arrival tag under your name if you hadn't made it so perfectly clear.

Get a room with your blow-up doll.

Too bad I have no stories... because... I... awkwardly... have never actually... you know.

I...



never had an erection?

Look around a bit, heaps of virgins, myself included. This thread just makes us look experienced cause no ones going to post saying i have no story.

This girl really wanted to sleep with me cause she was drunk and Im all gorgeous.
But im stupid in my head so I kicked her out.

Thus...no embarassing sexual experience for Bean.
Just an embarassing experience.

Take this advice from me; if you EVER have a chance to get some, then get some!
/wanks

Hmm.

1. fall asleep in room at party, very stoned. Wake up to find my friend sucking this bloke off right in front of me with the lights on. She looks at me, stops, then carries on. I fall asleep again.

2. At uni, I fuck girl in the shower. When we finish, we walk out and there are about 6 people in a circle around the door, who slowly start clapping

3. The second (and third - same night) times I had sex I came in about 30 seconds. Hey, I was young.

4. Having to ask for a chlamydia test from the pharmacist

5. Handing in my chlamydia test sample to the pharmacist

6. Going back to the pharmacist to pick up drugs for chlamydia

This just happened a couple of weeks ago.

Had sex with her, went to the bathroom after to piss, cat jumps out from behind the shower curtain in the tub Sam Fisher-like and interrupts my urine stream with its head.

I'm drunk but I kick the curious little fucker away, it immediately comes back to peer over the toilet bowl, and of course I piss on it again. I just say fuck it not worth the trouble so I flush, turn to the sink, and then the cat shake itself dry. On me. So I have piss all over me just like the cat.

I go back to the bed, slight urine stains on me, and the cat immediately jumps on us both. At this point, with the mental picture of me pissing on the cat, I can't stop laughing. But I don't want to tell her. She keeps asking. Then realizes me and the cat are both wet and smell like piss. Yet she starts bitching at me for not cleaning the cat off, like it's my fucking fault the dumb little fucker interrupted me voiding my bladder.

She kicks me out of the bed, her place, and probably her vagina for at least a month.

Still makes me smile when I think about it, though.

It was my second time, in a state I've never been to, at a college I've never been to, on my second day visiting. I lasted about 15 seconds, she was on her period and I got blood all over my dick. I didn't notice until she told me. I was so young and stupid that I didn't even notice the blood on my own penis. After she told me I "can go wipe it off now", I then ran to the co-ed bathroom in a towel around my waist, with bad breath and greasy hair. I passed three girls who giggled, but at the same time were confused because they didn't know who I was (It was one of those dorm halls where everyone literally knows everyone and their friends/family). I ran into the shower and started wiping it off. It was at that moment, that I thought to myself, "Holy shit. This is both one of the worst moments of my life, as well as one of the best. I am in a foreign co-ed college shower, washing my pseudo-girlfriend's blood off my penis. It is cloudy outside. This is a once in a lifetime experience." Fortunately, the next night, I had the second best sex I've ever had in my life.

I'm definitely telling that one to the grandkids.

Yeah, girls who still want to fuck on their periods ftl. I cringe to this day.

Nothing wrong with a little blood.

Half of my problems involve jizzing way too fast.

Others involve being too drunk and it being dark.

I said to this girl I was shagging once

"Can we put the light on or something because it's dark, I'm pissed and can't see very well? I might put it in the wrong hole.."

"Oh that's alright, I quite like that.."

I was not for having anal sex on my bed. Maybe hers. So I just got her to go on top.

Another girl once went "Are you one of these guys that can't come when they're drunk?"

"Well actually I kind of blew my load a long time ago, I'm riding you with a semi."

i last got laid near christmas, and at the time, I was really into cliff richard, in a sort of sarcastic way..but everyone knew i had a bit of a thing for his music

then right as i was about to cum, his song "chriiistmas time, mistletoe and wine" comes on the radio, and i was laughing so bad and nearly crying and my girlfriend at the time was a bit worried/confused

needless to say, we broke up after that

oh, and i still have that little bit of cliff on my door, in the form of a calendar

Say hello, cliff :) (http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=6hdco3s)

*****

edit - i was with a girl today and a few things happened. Let me just say that she knows how obsessed I am with &T

1) I have hayfever, and when i was licking her out, i ended up tasting my own snot. Yummy
2) I kept on thinking in my head "DO A FUCKING BARREL ROLL", or "stick it in her pooper lol"
3) she just looked at me and said "why do you keep having that empty look in your eyes? what are you thinking of?"
4) I hummed Rick Astleys "never gonna give you up" while fornicating

yes, today was a bit, erm, shit

oh and after having sex, she was using her vibrator and i was fingering her and freaked out when she was coming and I thought the liquid was my spooge, so i was like "OH SHI- you didn't tell me the condom broke?"..noob, eh?

We were both on E and in a car, I was on top but smacked my head on the roof and moved my head downward with too much force and accidentally made her nose bleed. Luckily, since we were both on E she completely understood and wasn't pissed and we made sure she was fine then went and had a nice time.

Still embarrassing as hell for me to remember though.