So. I kinda fucked up. I haven't been taking my depression medication, so I've become my naturally flaky, impulsive, and volatile self. Small things set me off when I'm in this state. Small things set me off and then I smolder for a while. My girlfriend (with whom I had a complicated, unhealthy, and loving relationship) said something that shouldn't have set me off, were i a healthier individual. She asked if it would upset me if she hung out with someone whom had once been a mutual friend, before they'd started fucking (we weren't together-there was a lot of drama behind it nonetheless). I flipped out. I left and didn't speak to her until the next morning, except to wish her luck on her AP test (she's a senior, I graduated last year). In that time, I brooded. I contemplated how poisonous our relationship was, let it build-the fact that I still had some serious issues with the past that I probably can't change. I talked to her the next day, after the test. Things started slowly, somber. Unfortunately, I hadn't made up my mind to necessarily break up, but that's what ended up coming out. She cried, I held her for a bit, she left. She asked me not to call her after I said I wanted to take it back (of course, I did at the time--I still do, but that doesn't mean I don't think it might have been a good idea). I was at a barbeque at a beach, later that night, with pretty much all of my friends that came back from college. Of course, she eventually shows up with the kid who was once my best friend, and in a fit of immature wrath, I storm off, later to verbally abuse her. Really, I want her back. But at this point, I think I've gone too far. This has happened before, though usually it just results in fantastic make up sex. It's occurred to me, however, that perhaps I am emotionally abusive. I usually tend to do this several times over the course of a relationship before it actually ends (when I'm unmedicated). I take out personal issues on the person I care most about. I feel like the third-person villain from "Face Down." Now, I feel drenched in regret and self loathing. And it seems, in one fell swoop, I've alienated myself from a large portion of my friends for my overly melodramatic action. Great way to start a summer, eh?

I suppose my point is this: do you think I am being emotionally abusive, or is it something I can just chalk up to impulsivity and my own emotional issues?
I don't think you'll really get the effect to answer my question without reading, so if you don't want to read, then waste your time on another thread.

Ok, WHY exactly have you stopped taking your meds? If you KNOW you act different, more moody, generally are just more of an ass without them....... then why put yourself through this?????

I suppose my point is this: do you think I am being emotionally abusive, or is it something I can just chalk up to impulsivity and my own emotional issues?

Even if you can chalk it up to those, it doesn't change how you're acting and how she'll take your actions.

this has suddenly become more complicated to analyze.. for whatever its worth: no, i wouldn't bet, based on the reading, that you are being emotionally abusive. however, maybe you are being stupid and weak in various ways..

My meds make me feel fake-happy. And I'd take authentic depression over that any day.

Well then....spend the rest of your life mistakenly believing that your current circumstances/outlook on life is better than if you are on meds and just deal with the issues that YOU have caused. Ya reap what you sow....its that simple.

I'm not always depressed, off of meds. It comes and goes.

I still don't get it.....if off the meds you have a CHANCE of say 30 minutes a day doing something aggresive, dumb, or volatile....why put yourself in that situation? And exactly what is "fake happy"? Are you happy or not? Or is this some kind of mind fuck you are giving yourself mistakenly thinking....."well if I was more of a man/more mature/a better person in general I would be able to handle life better without meds".

Seriously dude, there is nothing wrong or embarrasing about being on anti-depressants. Millions and millions of people are on them living productive lives. There are countless studies why folks are more depressed and stressed today than they were 30 years ago. I could go into some of the reasons why, but won't right now because I don't think you want to hear them.

Happiness (however you achieve it) > depression

i would argue that if your pseudo happiness is growing your depression somehow.. then it might not be a great thing to allow for yourself. if thats the case then you should ease off more and find the out what the biggest issue you have is, and from there start to fight that shit. i dont really understand your girl situation.. she must be pretty great or something.. either that or you live in the laguna beach of my nightmares.. haha just joshin..

Eh she was one of the few people that's ever made me really feel loved... whether on meds or not i'm a really paranoid person and need constant childish reassurance that i'm loved.
Whenever I'm on anti-depression meds, i just feel really flattened out. And I always wanna get off them... so I stop for a while and then shit goes down and I start again and I'm sick of it.