This is something I wrote late last night. It's a pretty personal story about my transformation from an angsty teen to a self rightous whore. I looking for your opinions and I hope to reach a few people in similar situations...

First I'll set off by describing myself. I'm 17, I'm young and I'm curious. I'm a fairly intelligent bloke, and I'm not bad looking. I'm pretty sociable but find myself to be loud sometimes. All and all I'm a pretty mediocre person.

When I was younger, I was a reasonably funny guy but I didn't attract women, I didn't really befriend them either. I got my first kiss aged 13, felt a breast at 14 before jumping into puberty at 14 and a half, somewhat later then my classmates.

A series of disastrous dates occurred when I was 15 and I sank into a light depression of loneliness. The world seemed pretty dull to me, every time I'd turn on a porno I felt my heart explode. Anxiety followed. I grew my hair into an untamed, greasy bob and became hostile to most people around me. I spent more time lying about the house and I distanced myself from more and more friends. I went out one night feeling pretty low, desperate and lonely. I slumped across the streets of Manchester following a friend all night, before hitting a new low. I stared across the street into a bus with three attractive girls on. I smiled and got nothing in return but a gleaming FU sign. Its funny now, but I remember not being able to rationalise any of this. I couldn't understand why.

Shortly after, I left secondary school a 16 year old idealist. I'd look at couples and say to myself "That's what I want" and various other "Average Fustrated Chump" visions. I was pretty much a stereotypical loser. I remember returning home from a similar outing to Manchester on a train once and seeing a couple. I even remember the smell of the train. Piss. But seeing this couple. Man... I was such a loser. Anything I would have done to be like that. It soon changed though.

I read the basics of feeling better out yourself, the basics of a system known as "The Mystery Method" during an uneventful summer, and it did, to some degree work. I met two girls within two weeks of each other and got my first blow job on a holiday in Spain. I delved deeper into the seduction community to find something known as the M3 model. Its almost a script on "How to get a girl to sleep with you". At the time, its all I wanted.

So learn about negs and to learn about "inner game". Time soon rolled around and I applied to college. I was beginning to feel better about myself. I got a haircut half a wardrobe full of clothes before starting.

I was social! I mixed in with as many people as possible and acted like a funny, nice guy. I piped up to girls I liked and and in return girls piped up to me. Several girls flirted with me, and I got a few numbers, as-well as a few emails. Then I started to change. I began to read various works on hedonism on elitism. Read about narcissists. It intrigued me. Then a girl landed on my lap, but I made nothing of it. I kissed her and pushed her off on her merry way. Another. Girls started smiling at me in town. I felt so amazing. Not long after a girl I liked expressed her interest in me and I snapped her up. heavy foreplay first night, oral the second. It was crazy. By the week it was over.

Next, another girl expresses interest. I play on it. I push her. I make her kill herself trying to chat me up. And I don't feel bad about it. I play on her esteem and a get high off it. Next, it happens again. I get a number from a girl in college but I don't ring it. I just got it to impress the chumps I was with. I'm vocal about it. And I do it again. I play with more girls. I read some Nietzsche. I play with more. I experiment with them. "How far will they let me push them?". I read some more Nietzsche. Repeat. I haven't had this power for 15 years. I call a girl fat. I rip her to shreds. Then I get her to come back. Read Nietzsche. Repeat.

More come along, one from the past. One that rejected me in my moment of need. But I don't wanna be with her anymore. In my mind, I just wanna play her. So I do. I talk about politics and conspiracy theories with her. How long will she put up with it, just to keep my attention? Another one comes. I game her. She likes me. But I make her say it. I push her again. I get her to tell me secrets. And I feel exhilarated. I wanna go on and on.

And then today comes along.

I'm walking down the road that's plastered with shops and takeaways. I don't even consciously recognize the girls around be anymore. I'm a robot. A girl I know walks up-to me, and she starts talking. Then I blurt out: "DON'T EVER TALK TO ME WHEN I'M WITH MY FRIENDS EVER AGAIN!!" It's hostile and it's sick. I smile after I say it. I ignore her and continue. I don't even realise the implications.

I'm on msn later and she logs on. She tells me how nasty it was. "YAAWNN". Is what I'm thinking. I apologize and and make a witty remark of the makeup we're going to have. But guilt hits, the Nietzsche in my head tells me to let go of the guilt and the Mystery in my head tells run some qualification on the bitch. And I do. "Easy tiger, you still haven't won me over yet first tell me how adventurous you are..." But I excuse myself and take a bath before things escalate.

I ponder what the fuck is going on while I soak in my own dirt. I look at my floating dick in the water. The Game is all I can think of. But shit...Im sterile. Emotionally, Im sterile. So I flatten a wet towel over my face and the implications of every thing I've done over the last 6 months hits me like a 14 foot wave. And how this personality isn't me. And how I could be with one of at least 5 girls right now. And how my intentions have changed with just a few compliments from just a few girls. And how I have exams this week and the most important thing on my agenda is getting a girl to let me fuck her in the ass. Fuck. I get a cold shiver.

I climbed out of the bath and I then looked in the mirror. I deflated my ego. I think about my life over the past six months and come to the conclusion that I've become the male equivelent of the girl I got an unpleasant sign from. I'm protected by a unhealthy amount of narcissism and lack of guilt or empathy. Fuck. I called a girl Fat. I'm evil

_______________


It's morning now, the next day. I feel better, I've hurt some people but knowing that I can still see things from their perspective is assuring. I'm going to be a nicer guy I guess, before I end up being a Bigot. First step is too say sorry to those I hurt. Sincre apolagises.

You're a douche, but that was well written.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

I hope you can get this toxic, poisonous thinking out of your head.

You can play them like a fiddle without resorting to insults. By God's man, active disinterest, not emotion crushing remarks.

Taking a step back is good and it sounds like you're doing it... you'll be able to look at yourself, realise that concrete inner game is raw confidence and surety rather than toolishness and then find someone worthwhile. You've got a skillset that helps you realise the amazing fact that 'Most women are common, average and not worth the time of anyone with value', don't throw it away = )

Why can't people just be people? Why do you have to have a mindset about women being common and average, and why do people feel the need to control everything and manipulate people around them?

Can't anyone just live, or is everyone a cold, calculating computer on the inside?

Can't anyone just live, or is everyone a cold, calculating computer on the inside?

More like a warm, biological computer.

I'm just hitting that stage of first starting on the narcisism. My ego has become huge recently and it's having consequences on my life. Well written as your text is i don't think it's enough to change the way i'm acting and will no doubt continue to act. Thanks for the warning, but i want to be that person who gives the metaphorical fuck you sign at the bus stop.

You're a pussy.

Try to be a better person mate. Women have feelings too.

I know how it feels to be empowered and take things out on others because of the crap you recieved by girls from your past. Believe me I do. I did some of what you've done and while it felt good at the time, I still look back and want to kick myself for being such an arsehole.

Just realise that you have the ability to get women now. But what you have to also realise is that what you're doing is wrong.
Sooner or later you'll meet a girl who'll make it better and the shit you went through with girls hurting your feelings won't even matter anymore. But you won't meet her with your current ways.

All the best to you mate.

P.S: They were Mank birds...That's what they do if you ain't wearing Burberry, Adidas, etc! Keep your chin up mate.

Most women are common, average and not worth the time of anyone with value

Unfortunately so are most men.
Then the two get together and multiply, breeding more worthless human beings. But hey, who are we to pass judgment on others?

It seems as though I am using women as a tool to ultimately feel better about myself. Once I have a received enough from one girl I move on. And do the same again. I'm not quite sure what my goal is; A massive ego or a love life.

Women to me, are rendered useless once they've caved in. Once they show interest in me I'm suddenly not interested in them anymore. They become generic and boring. Uninteresting and dull. Unworthy of my time.

It seems that as soon as they show me interest I interpret it as a sign of weakness.

I love getting the girl, but once shes there, well the shes of no non-sexual use to me.

If that's true then I'm impressed by what you became and what you are capable of in both the emotionless and the social contexts.

If that's not true them I'm impressed by your writing - it's very good.

Failing that, good for becoming good again.

DUDE WHAT THE FUCK????

YOU ARE ME.

Seriously everything you said iv'e gone through, im still feeling great about being better than everyone and my game isn't on quite the same level but wow man, so much stuff.

The rise, Mystery, Nietzsche (beyond good and evil ftw) blowing girls off the power rush. The new clothes and hair and attitude. I love the freedom i get from all of it. Like no-ones rules apply to me except myself. I am free to create my own reality and liek Whatever...i do what i want.oh an living in the "british isles" an being 17.

Few differences though, i've done a lot of work on being a "strong" guy. I look after my m8s, always. I've been in fights for people, waited in emergency rooms and taken hour long taxi rides to make sure people are safe. This includes girls. I do what i think is right now. This is important, being an alpha male means do ing what YOU think is best ALWAYS and not caring what others think.

I love the power too, and you can step on a few toes to get there and certainly do thinks that the sheep don't, but when you truly feel it is wrong you must examine why you do it.

I don't hate women, sure i think they aren't as powerful in the way i used to. I mean i basically have the sexual edge over them. And as a rule i think men are better at most stuff than women anyway BUT some of my best friends are women.

The game has actually made me a nicer person. I am not bitter, from understanding docial dynamics i no longer resent rich or popular or good looking people. I've stopped being racist(which i learned here, thnx totse) and i no longer hate women.

I think people like you are cool man. i think we are very alike. I could really identify with so much you were saying. I think of myself in many of the same ways as you.

Have you read any of the "new" rsd stuff? Imho the "game" advice is fairly suspect but the whole like self actualisation stuff is great. It really helped me not become callous after learning game. It would fit quite well into the whole nietzche ideas too. They talk alot about not seeking validation from women (seems to be a big downfall in the whole PUA scene) but getting it from inside. This isnt like active disentresst eith or even outcome dependance, it's deep.

Anyway man i'd love to talk 2 you, you seem really on the same page as me. i'm gonna add u on MSN.

laters.

Bumping this.

Good essay, I identify with this a bit. I'm pretty self absorbed and arrogent.

One time a girl was over at my place who wanted to fuck me. She was pretty good looking and had a really fuckable body but I just wasn't that interested. I didnt really spit much game just did my coke. Then she's lying down in my bed telling me to fuck her blah blah blah. I said I'd rather do more coke and she goes "well you might not be able to fuck me again." I said "I bet bitch, you're a dime a dozen." She was like waaaaa and I left my room and did a bunch more coke.

I fucked her a couple days later. Then she got my number and started calling me til I told her to fuck off. I probably lowered her self esteem unintentionally.

Cocaine's a helluva drug.

+1 rep from me.

Im similar to you , the only difference is a live in another side of the world and havent progressed as further as yourself. This might sound foolish of me but is the ''The Game'' some kind of book your reffering to or a phrase. It sounded to me like a book thats why I ask. The philosophies seem intresting , if it is who is the author? If not could you give me the source of where you aquired this information?

- Lobo

The Game is both a book and it also refers to the game of getting women.

Google the game by Neil Strauss.

The Game is a book referring to the game you play in getting girls.


Despite ideals and philosophy, a process begins that bears unquestionable similarity to a game. The prize is not trifling: reciprocation produces ecstasy. Whether it will be won, whether it will be shared, and what the final outcome may be depends on the effectiveness of actions and those of the limerent object; indeed on skill. Deviations from straightforward honesty become essential limerent strategies.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerance#The_Game


Personally, I view all of life like this.

Recently hit this low again.

I need new advice, so bump.

WTF is Nietzsche?

y ai wanna know to i need to learn to think more like this.........

I honestly feel enlightened after reading that, although I don't know why.

HEY! whats neizche!

1. Go to Google.com
2. Type "Nietzsche"
3. Hit Enter
4. ?????
5. Profit.

You're the man, but that was well written.

Fixed. ;-)

I idolize what you turned yourself into, but for different reasons. In my mind, (and I don't care if anyone chooses to flame me for my personal opinion, which seems to be a favorite pastime of the Totseans) most women are whores that don't deserve my attention and should only be toyed with.

I can only hope I become what you are <3

Fixed. ;-)

I idolize what you turned yourself into, but for different reasons. In my mind, (and I don't care if anyone chooses to flame me for my personal opinion, which seems to be a favorite pastime of the Totseans) most women are whores that don't deserve my attention and should only be toyed with.

I can only hope I become what you are <3

Toyed with? Lol, you are pathetic. As if a person should feel power by torturing animals, you are trying to gain power by torturing women. When in reality, to everyone you are unimportant, and even though you might control an extremely minuscule portion of the female populace. You're a petty human being who is going to end up dying, and not having shit to show for it.