It happened about three, maybe four months ago to my 15 year old girlfriend (I'm 17). Before her and I became an item. You would never know unless she told you. We're a fine couple until we lie down to sleep together. Then she'll have flashbacks and shake and cry during the night. It goes on for hours

I used to hold the classic, talk about it and you'll feel better opinion. Not anymore though. I've realised that the flashbacks occur everynight, and even if she does talk one flashback away with me, they'll always come back the next night. She's very closed about the whole matter because it hurts too much to speak about it.

The man was a close friend of her family, that she used to work with. He was working on her for months before it happened, trying to be her best buddy. Whenever she was too drunk to get home, or needed a shoulder to cry on, he was there. She ended up developing a school girl crush on this married man, twice her age. Because of that she has an imense sense of betrayal, and a small sense of guilt that she may have led him on and brought it upon herself.

I have told her that I'll hold off on sex until she tells me she's ready, and I'm there for her everytime things get rough. I've gotten into the habbit of just lying with her when she has a flashback and just holding her until she goes to sleep, because I know nothing I can say can erase whats been and done, and all that I can really do is just be there for her while she manages to battle through this herself. If she decides she wants to say something when we're lying there, then I'll just sit and listen.

I dunno I'm really looking for advice on how I can help her without forcing her to open up. Well really I'd prefer any feedback from anyone who has been in hers, or my position

Is she seeing a therapist? If she isn't, that'd probably be the best thing to do. Rape's harsh, I've seen too many people end up with emotional scarring because of it. I wish you guys luck, for whatever it's worth.

I think your doing the right thing. Hopefully in time of holding her close to you while she cries, she will feel comfortable enough to talk to you about it, and yous can discuss it.

I had a gf that was raped from a young age. She didn't cry at night, but she'd flinch if you touched her too fast or without her expecting it, while other girls would sort of.. embrace your touch, she would sort of fear that I was going to push her on the ground and tear her clothes off.

We'd always talk about it though. And I'd always say I was sorry, but she never ended up comfortable with it, and she was always jumpy.

The only real thing yous can do is talk about it, the mental and physical damage has already been done. She will never go back to the way she was, and it will stay with her always.. Shes probably hoping you will be to.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things. Like you said, all you can really do is be there for her.

out of curiosity did she ever press charges or get him back or anything?

At the risk of sounding insensitive, you being all modern man and 'lovey-dovey' about it probably isn't helping, she can get that from a girl friend.

You need to be clear that she is allowing it to ruin both her life and yours.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but its the truth. Been there too many times.

What she needs from you is leadership and guidance not hand holding.

What shape the leadership should take I can't say from here. But dealing with her feelings of guilt head on tends to be good move. She isn't guilty and do not tolerate her saying so. If she starts saying things like 'but i must have led him on...' then you need tell her that she is talking crap and boy, you must sound convinced.

Your strength will pull her though this not her own.

Maybe you should ask yourself the hard question:

Should she be in a relationship right now?

Jackketch is correct about finding a leader for guidance. It's apparent she has had some serious trauma in her life recently.

You two being together may just be too much for her to handle right now. Take a step back, let her know that you're there for her, in every way possible... Even if she needs to only worry about herself right now.

It's so hard to devote yourself only to her while you're together. Eventually you'll want something back... that she just can't give right now, or even worse, she'll feel guilty that she can't return the "love" (using that term loosely).

I just find it hard to be a leader to someone while you're with them. You're only 17, and odds are you'll break up... No matter what you think at the current moment. That being said, all the progress you would of made by "leading" and "guiding" her would be potentialy compromised.

That's just my opinion, I really don't know you two well enough to make this statement factual.

It seems like everyone's girlfriend has been raped at least once.

If you werent from NZ, I would of lol'd. You have my sympathy.

Let me begin by expressing my utter dismay to hear what has happended to your girlfriend, rape is a despicable and cruel crime, a violation of the very act of sex. Rape is by its nature, not about sex, but rather about domination, power, control through the humiliation and degradation of the victim be it male or female.

The reason i state this, is you obviously sound like a decent person, with some traces of morality, and whilst rape is an act borne out of hate, like all things wicked, it can be conquered with love. It must be painful to feel powerless to help your girlfriend in her hour of need, but sadly whilst you can proivde limited support, this is an issue that she will have to work through by herself, painful as it maybe. Id recommend really spoiling her, lots of affection, hugs and cuddles and kisses, special treats, picnics and things like that, really make her feel valued and cherised (which btw, reading from your post I garner she already is :)

I have a family member who was raped, and I know for a long time, that I would gladly have thrown my law career away to watch him like bleed like a stuck pig, so I appreciate your rage. No-one ever deserves rape, ever. Whilst this is a repugnant thing that has happended to your girlfriend, hopefully she can triumph from it with the support of you and close friends.

I wish you and your girlfriend every happiness and success in overcoming this difficult time, and I shall pray for you both.

... Slap her. It might work. But then again she's only 15. She doesn't know what the fuck is going on. A way for her to get over it is for her to have a goal, but as I've said, she's 15. Why. 15 year old are selfish. They can't have a goal that's bigger than themselves, something they will sacrifice for.

Being nice won't make her get over it, it'll just give her a reason to cry on your shoulder.

Is she seeing a therapist? If she isn't, that'd probably be the best thing to do.

It's definitely the best thing to do, they're trained to help people in exactly this kind of situation and I've personally seen therapy work wonders for people who have been through traumatic experiences.

Put the idea across to her. Don't be insistent but make sure she knows how much good it can do. Offer to do everything for her; finding the therapist, setting it all up, basically not making her have to do anything. Make it all as easy as possible for her. It's definitely the best course of action, really.

Offer to do everything for her; finding the therapist, setting it all up, basically not making her have to do anything. Make it all as easy as possible for her. It's definitely the best course of action, really.

That's a good sentiment though not really practical in New Zealand.

OP If she goes to a doctor she will be able to get a refferal for free counselling and most likely therapy.

I for one would like a "Jackketch guide to girls who've been raped".

I was originally going to post that you should rape her again so she learns to expect it...

...but, unfortunately, when I started reading, it began to look like it was, in fact, not a troll thread. ~shrug~ Well, spoiled my fun, but shit... this deserves better than that.

It happened about three, maybe four months ago to my 15 year old girlfriend (I'm 17). Before her and I became an item. You would never know unless she told you. We're a fine couple until we lie down to sleep together. Then she'll have flashbacks and shake and cry during the night. It goes on for hours

Yes...

...why the night, exactly?

I mean, I'm not a qualified therapist or anything, but seeing as it appears to be a pretty classic PTSD response, I'm somewhat wondering exactly which part of circadian neurochemistry triggers suceptibility.

Also... while sleeping, or while drifting to sleep?

I used to hold the classic, talk about it and you'll feel better opinion. Not anymore though. I've realised that the flashbacks occur everynight, and even if she does talk one flashback away with me, they'll always come back the next night. She's very closed about the whole matter because it hurts too much to speak about it.

Pretty standard. If she's like everyone else, there's a whole lot more than 'hurts too much to speak about it,' including not wanting to be infantalized as some permanently-damaged person with no further mind or humanity.

The man was a close friend of her family, that she used to work with. He was working on her for months before it happened, trying to be her best buddy. Whenever she was too drunk to get home, or needed a shoulder to cry on, he was there. She ended up developing a school girl crush on this married man, twice her age. Because of that she has an imense sense of betrayal, and a small sense of guilt that she may have led him on and brought it upon herself.

Feel free to tell her that some random guy on the net assures her that it doesn't matter if she did lead him on, not in the slightest - her body is still solely her property, and her say is all that matters as to what happened to it.

As to betrayal, well... ye'r fucked, buddy. :p

I have told her that I'll hold off on sex until she tells me she's ready, and I'm there for her everytime things get rough. I've gotten into the habbit of just lying with her when she has a flashback and just holding her until she goes to sleep, because I know nothing I can say can erase whats been and done, and all that I can really do is just be there for her while she manages to battle through this herself. If she decides she wants to say something when we're lying there, then I'll just sit and listen.

Congratulations, you seem to know exactly what you're doing. Seirously.

I dunno I'm really looking for advice on how I can help her without forcing her to open up. Well really I'd prefer any feedback from anyone who has been in hers, or my position

Uhh... let's see...

1) patience.

2) MDMA

3) benzodiazapenes.

...all of these are seperate options. The latter deals with the neurochemistry of PTSD. Annoying little feedback loop, really. nor/adrenaline triggers memory. Memory triggers nor/adrenaline. Nor/adrenaline reinforces memory. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Again, you might wanna figure out what it is about circadian biochemistry which precipitates. Probably important.

The first, of course, is based on an overwhelming sense of realism. Not only is she not going to magickally be all perfectly happy all the time overnight...

...I was dating this girl, once... she was about 3 and a half, and her mother moved me in to live on her couch because her daughter had a crush on me.

Somewhere across the course of several months, she just casually mentioned a couple of her mother's ex-boyfriends. Most of her knowledge or care of her mother's past boyfriends tended to involve them beating the fuck out of her mother, creeping into her room, or both.

She was a lot luckier than your girlfriend, in that she just figured that, well, there didn't exist any adult that gave a fuck about her wishes, so she really didn't have betrayal issues to work with... but the point of the whole rant is that if I'd panicked, or started interrogating her, or any such... I would've become just another person trying to force things from her that she didn't want, and probably would've given her a whole lot of additional worry about past events as well. She had to share her life - and deal with her life - on her terms. It's just how humans are.

Patience... tolerance... unconditioal love... non-judgemental acceptance. These are about the only things you can give anyone. For them to make use of it is, and always will be, up to them, and for those who have lived in a world which is much less than it should be - trust me, I've loved a lot of them, romantically and platonically, from 2 to 72 years of age and a few in dog-years besides - there will be a lot more testing of acceptance, love, and patience, than there will be accepting it.

When you think about it, that isn't even surprising. This man isn't the first person to fail her, otherwise she wouldn't be questioning whether she had the right to say no, and she wouldn't be afraid to talk about things that held great emotional weight for her. Instead, he just failed her more acutely than everyone else she's known.

Good luck.

...otoh... you seem to be coming from a pretty good place in your heart and mind to be there for her, and I commend you for that. Nothing will be easy, and your life will mostly consist of waiting, watching, and lovingly accepting whatever unfolds, whatever it may be.

I hope you can pull it off.

Why the fuck is a 15 year old (maybe even 14) getting too drunk to go home? And then decide its better to go spend the night with a guy twice her age?

Rape is always wrong, but that doesnt make her any less stupid.

And sometimes, girls lie about being raped. If she was crushing on him anyways, he wouldnt have needed to rape her. She probably just felt guilty afterwards, and needed to find a way of looking at it that didnt make her a filthy whore.

Okay two things.

Listen to me.

There's a big gap in the story:

"She ended up developing a school girl crush on this married man, twice her age. Because of that she has an imense sense of betrayal, and a small sense of guilt that she may have led him on"

I guess the rape happened in there. I know you might now more details about exactly when... but the way you put it dude, it's something she might have wanted.

Was she forced or did she simply not put up a fight?

Now. The second thing is, you're asking us how to have sex with this girl. Fuck you.

Not only is she not going to magickally .

I was taking your advice seriously upto that point. :p

Just be there for her, whatever it takes.

It sounds strongly like ptsd and perhaps she should try talking to a therapist of some sort.

My best wishes go with you for the future.

That's a good sentiment though not really practical in New Zealand.

OP If she goes to a doctor she will be able to get a refferal for free counselling and most likely therapy.

Ah, darn. Well, if she goes to a doctor for the referral like you said (still by far the best course of action), be sure to make sure she knows it's all completely confidential. Nobody except the doctor and therapist will have to know.

yeah, mine was but... She was younger, and she really doesn't have like, stress much from it?

-_-
To be insensitive; every 15 y/o girl who sprung for the first little boy to blow in her ear and tell her he loved her...seems to have been raped.

Its such a tired tune, whether she was raped or not. I've seen so many people use it as this shitty excuse for their behavior and actions. I've got no sympathy for it.

These are all really great pieces of advice. I only managed to get through the first page before I started to write this. This thread is delivering, allready its given me opinions and advice from all angles. I havent been replying because I went to bed to sleep, but after I get back from school I'll put in some decent replies and thank yous.

I will say before I go though, that this is a genuine rape case, and the police are involved. The final court date is sometime next month, I've seen the police letter. He didnt steal her virginity, so this isn't the regret of a 15 year girl who wishes she hadn't had sex. It was a genuine rape.

And yes she has seen a psychiatrist and I think she has had one session with a therapist. She is going go on a trial period of some anti depressant to help cheer her up too.

I fucking raped her and it was good. her pussy was super tight, too bad i ruined her for you fag boy

drugsrbad

"I fucking raped her and it was good. her pussy was super tight, too bad i ruined her for you fag boy"

You are one low piece of shit. I feel sorry for your mother, the fact that she squired such a nasty, vile, twisted and degernate fuck that would actually mock a girl for having to endure one of the must excruiating and reprehensible crimes that can be committed.

Well, you reap what you sow. I am tempted in the heat of the moment to curse you and your family and that you yourself find yourself the unofrtunate victim of rape, but I wont, i wouldnt wish that upon anyone even a little stunted shit like yourself.

I really dont mean to pontificate but that is just fucking low, even by totsean standards. JAcktech please, ban this little shit.

Ive been in your position, and to be honest, there really isnt much that you can do. You can be there for her, and you can support her. And if i were you- i would try to get her to see a therapist.

I would also caution you not to become too much of a figure in her life. Dont allow yourself to compromise yourself and your life/friends/family just to help her out. You cant take all that responsibility upon yourself.

sorry i don't belive what little bullshit 15 year olds do. why was she with a 30 year old man? he brought her back from parties when she was wasted? that doesnt make sense at all. she also had a crush on him. so basically they fucked and she didn't stop him. he decided that it was a bad idea to do this and she got pissed about it and then called the cops on him becasue she wouldn't be with him. basically she is a filthy whore ....period. a filthy whore that uses our bullshit backwards ass criminal justice system to fuck a guy that had a life and fucked a girl that wanted it. end of fukcing thred.

You should probably rape her until she gets used to it.

I for one would like a "Jackketch guide to girls who've been raped".

Srsly.

Srsly.

Don't know if I'd want to write a guide to that but I will say this.

The key to successfully raping a woman or sexually abusing a child is to make the victim into the villain. You have to get the victim to 'carry the can' emotionally.

Get it right and the victim will almost absolve you the rapist/abuser of guilt, thus making it unlikely that they'll testify or if they do that their testimony seems 'unsafe'.

Why am I explaining the mechanics of rape?

Well you need to be able to emphasise with the victim.

BTW NEVER sympathise. Sympathy is a totally selfish negative emotion and kills. Sympathy means you get down in that hole and throw a Pity Party with her.

As a man you tend to think 'well if I go and kill/maim the guy who did it' ie make him 'small' ,that'll help her cos it sure as fuck helps you deal with it.

But it doesn't. The trick is not to make the the rapist small but to make her big.

Don't know if I'm expressing this well, probably not.

I shall think some more on what I'm trying to say here.

Its late, I haven't had my daily dose of oc6, I've spent most of the day trying to understand the difference between a 'hub' and a 'switch' and I'm cranky!

I was taking your advice seriously upto that point. :p

You're just jealous that I alone have had the strength of mind do deny the power of magick in this thread so far. :p Nya...

...well... 'cept specialmagickbuttsekhs. 'cause no one can deny the power of specialmagickbuttsekhs... but that's different.

rape her up the fucking butthole and be done with it.

cause that's all you really want eh?

sorry i don't belive what little bullshit 15 year olds do.

A similar principle is why no one gives your posts any credit.

why was she with a 30 year old man?

Because she has the right to associate with whomever she wishes.

He brought her back from parties when she was wasted? that doesnt make sense at all.

It makes perfect sense if your drunk ass doesn't want to wake your parents at 3 in the morning.

she also had a crush on him.

Did you admire your father when you were younger?

so basically they fucked and she didn't stop him.

...so... you're saying you get assfucked by your dad alot? Post pics.

he decided that it was a bad idea to do this

No 30yo married man in his right mind thinks that nailing barely-budding strange is "a bad idea," no matter what the fuck they tell their wife.

and she got pissed about it and then called the cops on him becasue...

...she was bleeding and needed her rapist to get a forcible STD check?

she wouldn't be with him.

Now she's leaving him? Make up your mind...

basically she is a filthy whore ....period. a filthy whore that uses our bullshit backwards ass criminal justice system to fuck a guy that had a life and fucked a girl that wanted it. end of fukcing thred.

You have a lot of conflicting feelings about fucking your father, don't you?

Look. I can admire trolling... but in this, as all things - you phail.

See the guy above who said "rape her 'till she gets used to it?" It's short. It's concise. It's socially-destructive advocacy carefully posed innocently as constructive advice.

You, otoh, had to drag your issues about fucking your father all over this board, and waste a lot of time... and speaking of wasting time, remember - 5wpm penalty for every spelling mistake.

If you want to talk about taking your dad's cock, start a new thread. Quit trolling this one.

If you want to troll, learn how to do it right.

'nuff said.

i wasn't really trolling i just think this thread is a joke. your father jokes are lame. all my comments make sense to why this girl is a filthy little lieing whore. she wanted to fuck the 30 year old, she did once(if at all and it wasn't made up) he stopped it and she got pissed and made up a bullshit story. the boyfriend needs to get a new gf becuase the one he has now is fucked in the head.

Yeah dude - time for a new girlfriend I think.

You know what they say about us 30 year olds - we fuck real goooood. She'll fuck you once, then realise what she could have had.....

You need to be clear that she is allowing it to ruin both her life and yours.

...
What she needs from you is leadership and guidance not hand holding...dealing with her feelings of guilt head on tends to be good move. She isn't guilty and do not tolerate her saying so.[/i].

Thanks for that angle Jack. I don't see it ruining US in a relationship sense, if thats where you're coming from. I do want to try and get her to realise that , yes it was horrible, but she can't allow it to dictate her life.

Also I am working on the feelings of guilt. I haven't gained the whole story, but bits and pieces are slowly coming out, but it will be a long time before she will let me know enough about the subject. I can, and I have, tell her that its not her fault. But I know she'll disregard it because I dont know the full story

That's a good sentiment though not really practical in New Zealand.

OP If she goes to a doctor she will be able to get a refferal for free counselling and most likely therapy.

Actually the courts and ACC have organised free therapy for her, its just she has a "I'm crazy, and its embarrassing" mentallity even though she does know and accept that it's a smart idea.


Yes...

...why the night, exactly?

I mean, I'm not a qualified therapist or anything, but seeing as it appears to be a pretty classic PTSD response, I'm somewhat wondering exactly which part of circadian neurochemistry triggers suceptibility.

Also... while sleeping, or while drifting to sleep?



Pretty standard. If she's like everyone else, there's a whole lot more than 'hurts too much to speak about it,' including not wanting to be infantalized as some permanently-damaged person with no further mind or humanity.[/b]

When you think about it, that isn't even surprising. This man isn't the first person to fail her, otherwise she wouldn't be questioning whether she had the right to say no, and she wouldn't be afraid to talk about things that held great emotional weight for her. Instead, he just failed her more acutely than everyone else she's known.


That was a great post man, really helpfull. I've picked these few points out all that you wrote because nobody else has covered them yet, and they're things that really made me think.

Its while she's drifting to sleep. I thought it was as simple as being alone with her thoughts, no distractions. Just silence and dakness. Well no distractions other than having me in bed with her, but I don't try anything at night anyway because I know how the night-time affects her. I learnt that long before our relationship became sexual. I'll try and learn a bit about what you mentioned and see if you're on to something there.

And I see exactly where you're coming from with the second point. I'm trying not to make her feel like she has a disease and has to be treated, I want to treat her like theres nothing wrong and she's just like everybody else. But that conflicts with the fact that what happened to her can't just be ignored, she has had a serious emotional trauma. And leaving her alone will just leave everything as it is. I don't know what else I can say but I hope I got what I was trying to say through, because the point that you raised has been bugging me like hell.


Listen to me.

There's a big gap in the story:

"She ended up developing a school girl crush on this married man, twice her age. Because of that she has an imense sense of betrayal, and a small sense of guilt that she may have led him on"

I guess the rape happened in there. I know you might now more details about exactly when... but the way you put it dude, it's something she might have wanted.

Was she forced or did she simply not put up a fight?


I think she may have liked the idea in a romantic sense, because "the fact that a married man his age was interested, was kind of flattering in the beginning". I don't know EXACTLY what her feelings were towards it but I do know if she were wanting to have sex with the man, she's the type to go in for a relationship first.

And yes he forced himself upon her. It's not a case of the girl having regrets and coming up with a cover up story incase word got out.

Why the fuck is a 15 year old (maybe even 14) getting too drunk to go home? And then decide its better to go spend the night with a guy twice her age?

Rape is always wrong, but that doesnt make her any less stupid.

And sometimes, girls lie about being raped. If she was crushing on him anyways, he wouldnt have needed to rape her. She probably just felt guilty afterwards, and needed to find a way of looking at it that didnt make her a filthy whore.

Not far off 16. I'm guessing you didn't start drinking until you were legally allowed to. If I'm right, then that would explain why you can't understand that getting home from a party, in the small hours of the morning, without letting your parents find out, on your own, is hard.

Why she chose him? I don't know. I know he got more friendly with a 15 year old girl than he should. I'm talking actual friendship. He made her feel that he was as good a friend as any of her close mates, and I guess the fact that he was twice her age made her look up to him as a reliable and responsible person.

He did rape her. You can't fake the complexities of the story, and emotions on the spot. And if you could see the look on her face when she does cry, you'd know they're real tears too. There's no lying here about anything.


The key to successfully raping a woman or sexually abusing a child is to make the victim into the villain. You have to get the victim to 'carry the can' emotionally.

Get it right and the victim will almost absolve you the rapist/abuser of guilt, thus making it unlikely that they'll testify or if they do that their testimony seems 'unsafe'.


I will think about this one. It's really quite relevant since the court case is next month. She does feel like its her fault and needs to understand that its not

That was a great post man, really helpfull. I've picked these few points out all that you wrote because nobody else has covered them yet, and they're things that really made me think.

:) Thanks! Glad I can be of help!

Its while she's drifting to sleep. I thought it was as simple as being alone with her thoughts, no distractions. Just silence and dakness.

Ahhhh....

Well... oddly enough, the fact that it's at this time, rather than constant nightmares, actually strikes me as a positive sign. Admittedly, this should probably be in the neuroscience section of headshrinkers, buuutt...

...the few hours of crossover between alertness and sleep is an interesting, and chaotic, time. Among the things that are common... perfectly non-schizophrenic people become much more prone to auditory hallucinations of a characteristic type, usually out-of-context snippets of ordinary conversation, maddening in their ability to make perfect sense yet with a complete absence of context and thus meaning. People with no tendancy towards seizure or convulsion can get myoclonic jerks; a leg or some such will just twitch all of a sudden, when normally this does not happen. Visual hallucinations are quite common in this strange, nodding-out space between sleep and wakefulness...

...and people with absolutely no trauma are, at this time, prone to being jerked awake by a bolt of sheer terror, unconnected with anything, when this is uncommon for both their waking and sleeping lives.

If she was having constant flashbacks while awake, I'd guess that she was a severely damaged piece of work who would need a lot of help before becoming merely highly neurotic. If she was constantly having nightmares, I'd say it was weighing pretty heavily on her mind...

...but this space between has strange and volatile properties. In the luxuriance of nodding out, visual hallucinations, strange daydreams, and assorted random monkeywrenchings are quite common. It's one of the most chemically-complex times in the human mind, drenching the system in melatonin, serotonin, dopamine, adrenaline, various methyltryptamines, and much, much more in phenomenal quantities.

Decreasing the richness of her diet in tryptophan, tyrosine, and phenylalanine can make that whole span of consciousness go away; your girlfriend almost certainly has very, very good nutrition, if she's nodding-and-tripping nightly, without external drugs, like the human body was meant to.

Of course, cutting back her diet like that would also have other side effects - she'd be emotionally neutral, rather than generally happy, while awake, and she'd stop dreaming. For most people, it'd be a drop in the quality of life that I wouldn't reccomend... but it might make things easier in the short term while figuring out a more feasible way to keep acute flashbacks from intruding on her life... which will probably involve a low-impact antiadrenal agent at bedtime.

Speaking of which, you might want to consider hops or valerian tea before drifting off to sleep. It's a potent, yet low-impact, antianxiety agent. Considering the conditions, I'm guessing that if you block the adrenaline, you'll block the flashback entirely, rather than just getting flashbacks without anxiety.

...might wanna give it a try. It's OTC, and hops is FDA approved as safe, though nothing in this post has been evaluated by the FDA to diagnose, treat, or cure any disease. ;)

Well no distractions other than having me in bed with her, but I don't try anything at night anyway because I know how the night-time affects her. I learnt that long before our relationship became sexual. I'll try and learn a bit about what you mentioned and see if you're on to something there.

If I might ask... during the night, does being touched/held cause terror or comfort?

And I see exactly where you're coming from with the second point. I'm trying not to make her feel like she has a disease and has to be treated, I want to treat her like theres nothing wrong and she's just like everybody else.

Yup!

But that conflicts with the fact that what happened to her can't just be ignored, she has had a serious emotional trauma. And leaving her alone will just leave everything as it is.

Yup!

I don't know what else I can say but I hope I got what I was trying to say through, because the point that you raised has been bugging me like hell.

Tough balance to resolve, isn't it?

Some say that we are just the product of the circumstances which make up our lives. So, yes... she is, in part, a horrific experience which never should have happened. She is also baking cookies with her grandmother, her first dance recital, the basketball game last week, the first kiss the two of you shared, and more besides. Invalidate all these other things to focus on the former, and she'll lose any foundation to build a happy life and dwell forever in one terrible moment... yet ignore any one thing, and it's still there, applying pressure towards the surface.

Jerking back to consciousness from terror is a part of her life... but so is happiness. Let her have these moments of happiness; like a wildfire, it is these moments of new growth which will bring back life to the burnt places. Have faith in her. Follow her lead.... let her be happy when she is happy. Offer what humble love and comfort you can when she is scared. Listen when she wants to speak, be honest above all else when she asks your input, be silent when she wants you to hold her in silence... but, too, do not fear to let it go and live when that is where her heart and life take her. Follow her lead, and you can do no wrong.

...and odd as it is... I have faith in you. :) I think you'll do just fine, and honestly, it warms my heart a little to know that somewhere across this great universe, you two have found each other. I think it's a good thing.

Relationships with the raped are never going to get out of the "Your the sympathetic lover." She won't have sex with you due to the trauma and she isn't going to get better unless she sees a therapist.

you could always beat her

She knows the asshole that did this to her, yet she's doing nothing about it?!

What the FUCK!!!!!!


Give her a slap. Drag her to the police station, by her hair if nescessary, and get the girl to fucking sort her shit out about it all.
Crying to her boyfriend each night is one thing, but it seems she's doing nothing to try and put it behind her.


Respect to you for doing your best in such a situation.
Just make sure you dont turn into a doormat.
I've heard horrible stories where a guy has cared for his girlfriend and done nothing but love and protect her, and he stands by her after a rape and expects nothing, and gets nothing. Then he finds out the bitch has been fucking his best friend for the last three weeks.

Dont be that duped blind poor guy.
I can respect the fact she's upset, but you're important too.










If that were me, I'd possibly be a bit insulted that she thought sex with me would be anything like being brutally raped by some horrible monster.

um did you say turn into a doormat? the kid ios a doormat he is listening to his girlfriend cry about some old guy she fucked and makes believe its raped. she doesn't do anything aobut it and for all he knows she probably has a school girl crush on his own father because she is a whore bag!!!!!!!!!!!!

Same thing happened to me, dude. Back about five years ago. Had to basically throw a good chunk of my life away to pull her out of it.

But it was worth it, because now we're fast friends as well as possible life-long lovers.

But it's a hard, nasty, horrible road to go down that nobody in their right mind would choose. It's one of those things thrust up on you, and, well, here you are.

My best advice, given that I've been through this exact same situation:

-Console her as much as she needs to be.

-Therapy is invaluable, both for her and for you. If she hasn't been yet, get her to a rape crisis center or something like that, and have her start therapy. It'll be hard for her, but much better for her in the long run.

-Therapy for youself as well. It's the best thing in the world to have an impartial, neutral party to talk to in order to help sort your thoughts out.

-Expect about a year or two before getting sexually involved. There's a lot of raw emotion and fear there. And start slowly. In my case, it took about six months of kissing/holding and moderate touching before we really got anywhere. It's therapy as anything.

-DO NOT put your own life on hold/give up. That's what the therapy for you is for.

-Understand that she's unstable and will be for quite some time. It takes years and years to get over something like that. Five years on and my girl is still feeling some effects.

-Get some mutual friends who can help you both out. I'd be even more of a wreck if I didn't have my friends to rely on.

Nobody should ever, ever be in this situation. Keep a positive attitude, a sense of humor, and remember that greatness never was a thing given to people.

Good luck. I'll be around to offer advice if you need it.

-Dust

Drinking might calm her down about it, you never know

but honestly youre doing the right thing, i respect you for that.

Same thing happened with me, and I'd recommend the same.

My gf's first and only other sexual encounter besides myself happened with her first quasi-serious boyfriend. They went to his house and she sort of led him on but didn't intend to have sex. He forced himself on her and she just sort of went along with it because she couldn't stop him. The asshole didn't even use protection and it was her first time. It makes me sick to even think about how someone could hurt the person I love so badly.

When she first told me she broke down and burst into tears, that was probably the hardest part for me to handle. The only other person she had ever told was her mother and even then it was just becuase she was afraid she might get pregnant. She was too ashamed or afriad maybe to tell her mother the truth about the situation.

Over all, it took her months and a lot of heartache to get over. But through it all I stayed by her. You have to let your girlfriend know that you're there to protect her and that something like what happened will never, ever happen to her again. Love her and comfort her, thats the best advice I can give. Bottomline, remember that you will be the best therapist she can have. She'll get past it, it will just take time.

Rape is the most sickening, pathetic thing one person can do to another. Good luck and I hope it works out. If nothing else it makes me wonder how many other people this has happened too.

As a closing statement, every rapist should be thrown in prison, fucked by a greasy, bulky, AIDS oozing inmate and then castrated and tourtured with a shank before being left to drown in their own blood. Thoughts like that get me through the day anymore :) (that and the hope that there is in fact a hell, where those faggots can burn)

After reading all these posts I still stand by my words:

Fuck therapy, get a gun.

Find The Bastard, Then Pile On!

Fuck therapy, get a gun.

I agree with this.

Find The Bastard, Then Pile On!


And that.


It does seem that a scary amount of totseans girlfriends claim to have been raped.