To swing things into the affection side of the forum; I wish to inquire to you about the great and painful losses you've had in life, whether it be by death, or by a disagreement that snowballed into goodbye, what instances have left you without words and lost?

Today marks the year anniversary of my daughter's death. During her birth her umbilical cord had wrapped about her neck while she descended through the birth canal and she was stillborn. To me there is no greater loss than that of your own child, but I have learned to cope with it this past year, having not only lost her but her mother as well; three monthes after the incident she severed all ties with me saying "it was just too painful to be around me"

What has caused you anguish, and how have you dealt with it?

Nice to see a serious post on &t for once...assuming you arent messing around I think my most painful experience was having to watch my great gran slowly fall to pieces with lung cancer. She started off healthy, lost weight, lost everything and when I saw her for the last time she looked like she was already dead - it hit me pretty hard, I was only 16.

on the 14th it made a year since one of my friends died. she died in a car accident on her birthday, the seatbelt was what killed her. its not easy to deal with death but I guess time helps you cope with it. I lost another friend to a car accident 4 months after the other so it just made things harder for me and my other friends. The only way I know how to deal with it is by keeping myself busy and always remembering the good times I had with those 2 friends

What a bitch...

That's only the half of it really. Last week I found out she had also gotten pregnant again around that time at a party she was at.
I'll be going to visit my daughter's grave today to place flowers for her there. I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that I might see my ex there, nearly full-term pregnant again, and have all the vivid memories from a year ago overwhelm me.

I agree that time is the greatest healer of these pains, although they never really heal; we merely find a place to hold them to help remind us of the frailty of our lives.

It somehow makes you appreciate everything a little deeper, perhaps the bittersweet gift of loss.

I'm afraid i'm about to lose a girl quite special to me due to lack of trust. She thinks i've been lying about the shit i used to do and to be honest i don't blame her. Some of it does sound like bullshit and i have no way of proving it. I think we might end up being just good mates.

I kinda know how you feel on that one. So far Ive had a really colourful life...Ive done a lot of crazy and odd things - when I hear myself telling people about them, they seem so farfetched sometimes!

there are so many people who have tributes for their babies' graves at my work, it's really sad and lots of the relatives still get teary.

i've never had a bad loss, so i suppose i'm quite lucky. my best friend's dad died on my tenth birthday when me and my friends went to pick up my best friend's pijamas for a sleepover. it was really crazy, he just dropped down dead on the stairs for no apparent reason. i guess that's the worst. i didn't know the guy that well but it totally screwed and changed my friend and the whole family, which was just really hard and upseting.

QFMFT!

First, my thoughts, prayers and condolences go out to you. And my apologies if this gets long, but as you'll soon discover we are somewhat in the same boat (minus the wife ordeal).

In Oct 05' my wife and I had our second son pass away from SIDS, just a couple days shy of being 4 months old. For those that don't know, SIDS is also known as crib death, and basically you put the baby down to sleep and they never wake up. Its a diagnosis of exclusion after an investigation and autopsy, when no other verifiable reason can be determined to why the baby dies.

This has altered me for life, and in most ways negative. It has challenged my spirituality, my friendships, my priorities....everything that I'm "about". Within the first month or so, you really begin to see who the people are in your life.....those that stepped up to the plate to be supportive for you and others that treated (and still do) you like a pariah because they don't know how to deal with the situation. That in itself is a minor blessing, since you get a better essence of people in your darkest hour.....and now not have to waste valuable time and effort for the rest of your life on those that left you hanging high and dry.

While I somewhat agree with the words above how you say you don't take things for granted, I also find it is a curse as well. My problem is I am CONSTANTLY focusing on death, my family's well being, and my own mortality. I was always protective of my family to begin with.....but this has sent this all to an exponential level. I know for a fact that if something were to happen to my wife and remaining son, I would eventually crack up and probably go postal or something. They are the ONLY thing that has gotten me through this.

Which brings me to your situation. Forgive me if I take a few shots at your wife, but she is a lowlife in my eyes. What happened to the "for better or for worse" part of your vows? And to think she bailed after just 3 months is astounding to me. And NOW pregnant with someone else's kid???? Gimme a break! Granted, there really is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve.....but just because someone has endured traumatic hardships (even as tragic as this) it does not give people license to ignore their commitments and take a shit on the rest of the world.

Truthfully, I don't know how you do it dude.....without your wife in the picture I mean. In the 1 1/2 years since it happened, we have been each other's rock. Some days are bad for her, and I'm there to support her. Others its vice versa. On many levels this has actually STRENGTHENED our marriage, because after this its all child's play from here. Once you hold your own dead baby in your arms, all of life's other issues is just so petty. I've done the research and sadly the fact that you and your wife have separated is actually in the MAJORITY. I think its something like 55% of couples split up after the death of a young child....mainly because men and women grieve and deal with all of this so differently.

I myself find it very difficult to focus on anything in the near future....I'm pretty much living for this day, this hour. I just don't have the gumption to plan things weeks or months from now....or even begin to think about longer term goals and dreams. What the fuck is the point ya know? The fragility of life is something I'm just disgusted with, and it pains me to hear stories such as your's and mine. I've never been a very emotional person, but now in regard to "death" when its people I've admired or like such as celebrities....its just breaks me down. As stupid as it sounds, Stever Irwin's death had me upset for many days. Here was a guy that did so much for the world, lived life to the fullest with such zest and a constant smile....and POOF.....just GONE! I can't say enough how the fragility of life just consumes me.

I do try and take some solace in certain aspects of all of this. The fact my son didn't suffer (and yours didn't either) gives me some comfort. And in a weird way, I'm glad that if I DID have to lose my son that it happened then.....rather than a month, week year or 10 years later. The reason being is the longer they are alive the more memories you have, and it makes the survivor's grief that much harder to endure and get over. And in a weird way I'm grateful that because he didn't become an adult he himself didn't have to suffer all the trials, tribulations, heartahces and disappointments that this ugly life many times throws at us.

I've found that therapy has worked....to a certain extent. I was hesitant in going at first and didn't finally take the plunge until about 8 months after he died. My thought was....."the guy didn't know me before my loss, what the hell can he do for me now". What is nice is you have another ear to vent to, as well as a very objective opinion.....someone who isn't going to tapdance around your feelings and just tell you the logical perceptions without all of those emotions involved (the way friends, family and others in your life would). We are actually about to start some group therapy tomorrow, and I'm intrigued by this because it is a specialized group made up ONLY of people that have lost their kids. If you and I are still discussing this in the weeks ahead, I'll report how that is going for us.

As much as time has healed much, and therapy has assisted us, and the incredible support system we have in place.....I'm fearful to report I feel as if I'm tainted for life. I've had anger issues in the past, but now it is like a brewing rage. I'm just so sick of the injustice of this world and all the hypocrisy in it. It could be anything stupid.... like why do the hard workers of the company get all the bullshit, whereas the lazy ass kissers get all the promotions? More specifically....why did you and I have to lose our sons in such a manner when there was such a loving and stable environment for them? Yet every day you read about parents neglecting their kids, abusing their kids, killing their kids. Parents that don't give a rats ass about anything in regard to their children, instead focusing on me, me, me......yet their kids will grow up and be healthy and vital. WHY WHY WHY????????

At this point, I'm almost like a tea kettle that is about to explode. I've had road rage issues for years...and all of this has just compounded it. When people get into a ton of steel and drive so carelessly with their heads up their asses, it is such a wanton disregard for human life. And occasionally I get into heated disputes or have had people follow me after I did whatever after their assinine driving behavior. Luckily, I have yet to actually get into a physical encounter and am able to maintain my control not to initiate it. But if/when the day comes someone takes it to that level and takes a swing at me or threatens myself or my family in any way.....I know I'm going to hurt them, and I'm gonna hurt them bad. I'm just about to the point of joining a boxing league or something, because I almost WANT that day to come.

I doubt if any of this has helped you in any way, and I'm sorry if any of my story has dragged you further into your own darkness. Please feel free to continue this discussion and ask me any questions you'd like. As you can tell I'm more than willing to talk about it.....and perhaps in a sense its part of the healing process for me (and maybe you too).

Godspeed to ya my friend........

I just reread your original post and realized my error. Sorry for referring to your daughter as your son. My very bad! : (