I shit myself in phys-ed class. I was doing some jumping jacks and it just popped out and the next thing I knew, I was slipping backwards on a turd.

The remainders of the feces that weren't smeared over the floor flew up and hit a guy who was in front of me and he had to change his t-shirt because it was stained with my produce.

What's worse, is on the same day I had a date. We went to a restaurant. The whole way, I noticed a peculiar smell and so did she. A smell I was well familiar with. The smell of, how can I put it... my "home cooking."

When we were at the restaurant, she managed to escape to the lavatory under the premise that she needed to relieve herself. Obviously, she was lying. It was the smell.

During her absense I took the liberty of locating the source of the smell. It was to my dismay that the smell did indeed come from me. It was a smear of brown over the back of my shorts and even on my leg! Perhaps in retrospect, I should have washed up after the gym incident.

Anyway, desperately looking to clean myself, with not only the lavatory now occupied, I found myself self-conscious to get up again before cleaning the stains from myself because she might have seen it!

I grabbed the napkins off the table and wiped the shit off of my clothes and my body but then she came back to dinner. Quickly I dropped the napkins. She sat down and noted how the smell was now gone and things went back to normal... at least for a while.

As she ate, she needed to wipe her face so naturally, she took up some napkins from our table and... "I had forgotten to dispose of the vile things!" I thought to myself but when that had occured to me, it was already too late.

The next day, the poor chap from gym class came after me. He and his friends made me shit myself again by literally beating the shit out of me.

Please dear friends, colleagues, sympathisers and empathisers alike, tell me how I may rid myself of this curse. Could it be that my rectum is possessed by unclean, vengeful spirits? If that is the case, then by all means move this thread to PD. If not, then please teach me a practical way to tame the beast that spews brown.

Thanks,

Pavel Yakovlev, Student

Hilarious, but quite obviously fake.

I wish I was making this up, friend.

Please, I need advice. How do I fix things?

==>RY